Given up

Misty - posted on 03/19/2009

I just did the same thing!  The only difference is that my step son (11) lives with us full time.  BM doesn't pay child support, get  him 2 weekends a month and every other Thursday.  She throws a fit everytime my ss tells a terrible lie, even when she knows he's lying.  I quit doing anything for him!  He has a LD and I spend 3-4 hours a night making flash cards, doing homework and typing tests.  I'm done!  I'm the REAL mom here and all I catch is grief!  I agree if he needs me, he can I ask and I'm here...but as long as he's telling ugly lies and I'm dealing with her BS, I'm gonna let my hubby and her take on the responsibility of taking care of him.  My hubby is going out of town for the entire week next week and he wants to stay here with me and my kids, but I'm making BM keep him and take care of him.  It's about time she sees what it is like to spend hours doing homework and getting him to and from school.  She might have a whole new respect for what I do!  He may start to respect me when he sees that he has to go somewhere else when dad is gone - even when he don't want to!

Debbie - posted on 03/19/2009

Me and my Sk have always had a great relationship, they respected me and I them....I guess it helpped that my hubby had my back and they knew this. But I never disrespected them or thier mother, and untill recently that has worked fine....my 20 yr old has been won over by the BM but we will bide our time and she will come back

Megan - posted on 03/19/2009

I think it all comes down to the relationship between you and your husband. He has to allow you to be his partner in raising the kids. I have a friend of family my mother's age who had a lot of strife in her second marriage because she wasn't given the authority to deal with and discipline her SS even when he lived with them full time as a teenager! We talked about this before I married my husband. I agree strongly with Jessica above. Steps must be given the okay to discipline SK and be truly engaged in their lives or it is like two families living under one roof. I find this unacceptable. I refuse to be uncomfortable in the home I have created for my family (including SS). It all begins with the husband. If he considers them "his" children only then this is the root of the problem. If he isn't stating clearly about who is in charge while he is away then that is the root as well.

Sherri - posted on 03/18/2009

I'm not sure what the answer is.  I have a great relationship with my step kids despite their mom's constant histrionics!  It's been really really hard, but I treat them in my home the way i would want  my son to be treated by his step mom.  My husband has set the ground work by stating to his children that when he's not home, I am in charge, and anything I say goes.  The BM is certifiable - seriously - she's one step away from the padded cell - which makes her incredibly difficult to work with as she is constantly texting and phoning (and I do mean every single day) with accusations, crying, etc.  The kids are under constant stress and do act badly at times - however, every single child does - including my own!  As step moms we need to seperate the kids from the adult and plug away every single day to make it work.  My own son went through some serious problems and was so incredibly difficult, and my husband stepped up to the plate, never threw his behaviour in my face, was always supportive, and tried to keep everyone calm.  Our husbands deserve the same in return.

Di - posted on 03/18/2009

Jessica, whilst I agree with you and would have it in my home if I could, what do you do when you don't get the back up by the husband? So many times I tried to bring discipline into my sd's time with us. Just things that as a parent I want my bio children to adhere to. Such as using manners, tidying up after themselves, contributing to keeping the house clean without payment, picking up plates and putting them in the sink, placing rubbish in the bin, list could go on. Everytime I tried to get my sd's to have the same standards on them as my bio children, my husband, by having the last say, went totally against what I was trying to do. In effect, I was wasting my time trying so I don't bother now. What drove me insane and still does is the double standard. When it came to doing nice things for my sons I was supposed to do a bit more for the girls so they would think that I wasn't favouring my children over them. Aparently when it comes to being a sm I can spoil them, but not discipline them, as well as having to put up with disrespect in my own home. Just like you I get crazy when ppl say things that it should be this way, in a perfect world it would be, but the truth is so many dads out there are scared of losing their kids, so let the responsibility of parenting slide, and these children are more often then not, being spoilt and being rewarded for abysmal behaviour. The other side of the coin is that instead of the bm's putting aside their own feelings and working together with the sm's, they almost encourage their children's nasty behaviour towards the sm. Sorry, I am having another spit. In reality I am totally frustrated and don't see any solution to changing my situation so if I have offended you by what I have said.....sorry.

Jessica - posted on 03/12/2009

I think everyone should take a minute and think about what they would do if this were a disapproving mother-in-law instead of a disapproving ex-wife.  Yes, she is the mother but clearly they (your husband and his ex) had issues they couldn't work through so obviously no one in the situation always deals perfectly in relationship matters, right?

I believe, especially if the children are in your home most of the time, that you have not only a right but a responsibility to discipline.  Sure if your husband doesn't agree he should probably take last say as the biological parent (although you may need to discuss parenting styles on your own to try to come to decisions there) but the most important thing is to teach your children that adults are to be respected.  PARENTS - whether biological or step - are to be respected!  They are authority figures and not enough children respect authority these days and perhaps that is partly because there are so many blended families afraid to be seen as "evil step parents".  This is just my (very strong) opinion, of course.  However, I really believe that it's important to focus on the end-game in parenting.  How do you want your children to act towards others and situations?  I think everyone would agree that respect is important.  You can't teach respect if you don't expect to get it.  You also can't expect to get it if you don't have at least some suport from your husband - so you might need to start there...

That all sounded kinda harsh, but everytime I see some tv psychologist or something implying that step-parents should take a backseat role it drives me crazy - what are we really showing those kids?  "Gee, she didn't go through labour so you shouldn't bother listening to her"? HELLO - neither did their teachers, doctors, pastors, police officers, etc.!!!  An adult is an adult, especially one in a position of authority.  No one would tell an adoptive parent to back of because they are not the biological parent. 

Ok, now I'm getting mad and that wasn't intended - I hope everyone can hear my point and apply it properly to their situation because of course you should also not try to be taking over - it's a very fine line isn't it?

Toughest job - Good Luck Everyone!!

Alexis - posted on 03/12/2009

Quoting Di:

Gee ladies, isn't it frightening just how many homes this goes on it. Why do we sm's get pushed to the point where we just want to give up? Been there, have done it, went back, done it again, went back, etc etc, the cycle goes on. As the the bm, I don't care what she thinks, so I don't bother listening to her or rather her through my sd. When are these women gonna realise that far from being the awful women portrayed in fairy tales, we are actually just ordinary people, facing extraordinary situations and our response is different to theirs. We aren't perfect, never have been, never will be, but here's something for you to consider bm's, neither are you and you don't have someone else standing on the sidelines judging you and telling you all the time what a poor job you are doing. Had my little spit so I am over it now. (lol) Good for you Heather, I hope that it works out for you. I wish it would for me.

Well Said Di!

Di - posted on 03/12/2009

Gee ladies, isn't it frightening just how many homes this goes on it. Why do we sm's get pushed to the point where we just want to give up? Been there, have done it, went back, done it again, went back, etc etc, the cycle goes on. As the the bm, I don't care what she thinks, so I don't bother listening to her or rather her through my sd. When are these women gonna realise that far from being the awful women portrayed in fairy tales, we are actually just ordinary people, facing extraordinary situations and our response is different to theirs. We aren't perfect, never have been, never will be, but here's something for you to consider bm's, neither are you and you don't have someone else standing on the sidelines judging you and telling you all the time what a poor job you are doing. Had my little spit so I am over it now. (lol) Good for you Heather, I hope that it works out for you. I wish it would for me.

Leslie - posted on 03/12/2009

I think I live in a similar universe.  I have a step son, now 13, and we aren't close because of the same reason, we get close then the BM steps in.  (I think she feels jealous) I can't discipline, not that step mothers should, but when I'm the only adult, and usually for the sake of my own children, I will tell him when he has done something wrong, then I am being too mean, and overly strict.  I have backed off of all contact, except when he's in our home, or we're at one of his sporting events.  It has made things simpler at our home, but I can't help but feel that maybe he thinks I'm not interested in him.  I don't want him to grow up and not know me.  I've been married to his father for 6 years, and he's a bit of a stranger.

I think there is a fine line to walk, and every situation needs an adjustment in the route.

Alexis - posted on 03/12/2009

Quoting Heather:  Tell the kids that unfortunatly why their father is gone, you'll have to be the "adult" and be funny about it.  Give them goals to look forward to like, ok, if we all get along and can do the chores around the house, or not get into a silly dissagreement then you'll cook their choice of dinner or take them out to eat.  Kids, even old kids, like to have a plan or look forward to a goal.  Do they play cards or have a favorite game you could join them in while dad is gone.  Mabye it could be as simple as telling them, ok, I if we can get through today without getting in each other's face and you do what I ask, i'll leave you alone for the rest of the evening.  Figure out what they would like.  Teenagers love being heard and feel like they have a say in the situation or goal setting.

Quoting Jessica:

Sounds like a good plan, but I have a question? What about when the dad isn't there all of the time that the SK are? Does that make sense? Like, I had come to basically the same situation as you ... let Dad do it all. But most Firday nights & Saturdays, my husband is gone ALL DAY! It seems SS acts out mostly when my husband is here.

I'm never home with the SKs alone. We tried that once when my husband was out of town overnight on business. She found out that they were with me and she came and picked them up at 10:00 at night. The thing that pissed me off about that was because she had known for a week that he was going to be out of town that night. She waited until after they had their homework done, had been fed and bathed before she came to get them. I was furious. Part of the problem (and a lot of the reason that I have backed off) is because the 11 year old is a "daddy's girl" and my husband is her enabler to her behavior and attitude. She acts like she is totally defenseless and she whines, pouts and talks like a baby. The 14 year old boy is rude, disrespectful, hateful and just all around mean. I found a CD that he had burned with some music on it in my van. Not knowing what it was I played it. I was totally shocked with what was on it. It had music with profanity (like the MF word) and about abusing and degrading women. I immediately told his dad and his dad just kind of blew it off. My husband said that he was going to talk to the BM about it but I know that he never did. The last time that SS was out at the house, I told him that he needed to keep the CD at his mom's house and that type of music was not allowed at our house. He just looked at me with that "Bitch go to hell" look. I have told my husband that I am tired of kissing their butts and that I won't do it anymore. They know that I am not going anywhere. They also know that our house is more secure and that the relationship between me and their father is solid. I do feel like a door matt a lot of the time but I am sitting back and just patiently waiting for the poop to hit the fan and then I will firmly take my place. Right now I just have a foot in the door.

Alexis - posted on 03/12/2009

The only person's opinion you need to worry about is your husband’s opinion.  As long as he is happy with the way you are with his children that's all that matters.  I definitely would not allow his ex to be an extra thought in your head during anytime of the day.  What you do on your time with his kids is none of her business and I definitely would not communicate with her until she becomes used to you being a part of their lives which will probably be never so don't get your hopes up.  It may be a little harder because your step kids are so much older however, you can also use that to your benefit.  They will be easier to reason with.  Do they know that you would take a bullet for them or do anything for them if you just ask?  Sit them down individually and have a good heart to heart or write them a note.  Tell them that you will back off for the sake of their happiness (meaning keeping their mother from complaining and putting them in the middle) but if they ever need anything that you would be there for them.  All they have to do is say the word.  That would probably mean a lot to them.

Heather - posted on 03/11/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Sounds like a good plan, but I have a question? What about when the dad isn't there all of the time that the SK are? Does that make sense? Like, I had come to basically the same situation as you ... let Dad do it all. But most Firday nights & Saturdays, my husband is gone ALL DAY! It seems SS acts out mostly when my husband is here.

I'm never home with the SKs alone. We tried that once when my husband was out of town overnight on business. She found out that they were with me and she came and picked them up at 10:00 at night. The thing that pissed me off about that was because she had known for a week that he was going to be out of town that night. She waited until after they had their homework done, had been fed and bathed before she came to get them. I was furious. Part of the problem (and a lot of the reason that I have backed off) is because the 11 year old is a "daddy's girl" and my husband is her enabler to her behavior and attitude. She acts like she is totally defenseless and she whines, pouts and talks like a baby. The 14 year old boy is rude, disrespectful, hateful and just all around mean. I found a CD that he had burned with some music on it in my van. Not knowing what it was I played it. I was totally shocked with what was on it. It had music with profanity (like the MF word) and about abusing and degrading women. I immediately told his dad and his dad just kind of blew it off. My husband said that he was going to talk to the BM about it but I know that he never did. The last time that SS was out at the house, I told him that he needed to keep the CD at his mom's house and that type of music was not allowed at our house. He just looked at me with that "Bitch go to hell" look. I have told my husband that I am tired of kissing their butts and that I won't do it anymore. They know that I am not going anywhere. They also know that our house is more secure and that the relationship between me and their father is solid. I do feel like a door matt a lot of the time but I am sitting back and just patiently waiting for the poop to hit the fan and then I will firmly take my place. Right now I just have a foot in the door.

Rebecca - posted on 02/20/2009

Oh I gave up for about a year when it came to dealing with my 12 year old SD. Only during that time she continued to lie, create more problems and act out. I put my foot down and demanded that my husband and I go to counseling. He realized that he was only using me when he needed me. I was either going to be apart of all decisions or none. He realized that he was allowing my SD to actually make all her decisions by manipulation. It wasn't until she started cutting herself that I finally put my foot down and started being apart of her life full time again. I realized that she relied on that constant stability that I provided that she wasn't getting from her Mom or Dad. My husband has been working on being more consistent. As for the nit picking trying giving the bio-mom want she wants. When we were first married I took my SD to get her hair cut, because her bio-mom didn't have the money to do it, but she complained that she didn't like the way it was cut and I hadn't asked her permission even though my husband had custody. So for about a week I called her before making any decisions, even as to what peanut butter to use on the PBJ sandwich. She got the picture, about how petty she was being. I can't say that we get along, but she is respectful of my position as step-mom even if she doesn't like it.

Sarah - posted on 02/19/2009

If this way is working for you and you are really truly happy this way (hubby and kids too) I'd say great. Stick to what is working and keeping the peace. However, I have been in a similar situation with my SS and dealings w/BM. And reversed with my hubby and my son from pre. marrage. That will make you crazy! (my kid ur kid syndrome) But  my prob with BM was like that till I got sick of being bossed around and got educated. You are married to her ex. She has to deal. Legally wife=legally parent. You have rights as the step parent, medical emergency or just chief cook and bottle washer, what you do with those kids when in your care is your buisness. I guess the only reason I didn't just back off like you is because of my child. If not for him I would have, but I wanted my husband to have a bond with my son and the thought of him keeping my little boy at arms length basicly, was heartbraking. If you want to be involved get in there!! What if the BM was gone? Now you are full time MOM. The rest of your life is a long time to be walked on and in the shadows of such a big part of your husbands life. Get educated on your rights and let the BM know that you are here to stay. Keep your cool with her and let her make an ass out of herself if she needs to. Sounds like she needs to grow up and start thinking about what is best for her children, (like how to respect adults, ie, you) and stop letting her personal feelings about you get in the way of their happiness. Is she re-married? Sounds like she might be Jealous of you being with "her man". Just because she is not with him (even if she wanted the split) does not mean he should move on and be happy. Most women want their ex to die misserable and alone. After they have paid child support, raised their kids, and put them through collage of corse. LOL. If you are good with it this way Keep it, but this will be with you the rest of your life. Be sure. Fighting for the right to love a child and be a GOOD parent (that means discipline too) is a hard job, but the pay out can be awesome. I speak from experiance. Good luck and God Bless!! :) Sarah, Proud Step-mom to Alex from age 4 to age 18 (Feb.17) and now Very Proud Step-Grandma to his daughter Adrianna. (sometimes being the B**CH has it's rewards!)

Laura - posted on 02/19/2009

If it continues, I suggest you go to counseling for the entire family.  See a therapist who specializes in step family issues.  My husband refused to take his kids to therapy.  I practically begged him to take them so we could have some peace in our home. I left 2 weeks ago because I could not take it anymore (our other issue was my husbands jealousy- that is another post!). The lies, manipulation, jealousy and nit-picking for all 5 years of our marriage.  My husband just joined in and blamed me for their actions.... I was asked to change what I said, how I said it, what I did and this changed constantly. So I did change, 2 years ago I too quit trying and had my husband did all of the yelling, discipline, etc...  Then my husband got mad at me because he had to do it all.  He would go against everything I said, did or suggested. 

Most people I have talked to do not understand.  I have been accused of throwing a skillet at my stepson, making them clean the entire house (while my kids did nothing), ruling over my husband, making too many rules, screaming all the time, letting my kids do whatever they want and on and on.  In a fit of anger I slammed a skillet in the sink (I was standing in front of it)  (my bad) but no where near or at my stepson, later my husband said he didn't remember and he must not have been there when it happened (a lie).  I was mad at my husband when I did it.  All of the kids were to pick up their own toys that often were scattered through the house.  If he got something out he would just deny that he played with it and blamed it on one of my kids.   Clean the entire house! Ha! He refused to take out the trash because it smelled!  He never touched anything that needed to be cleaned (except for his own laundry)!  We call for each other from another room- this is me screaming all the time.  The rules were normal rules bedtime hours, limited computer time, homework time, clean up after yourself, help clean up after dinner, do chores, etc... I even broke down and gave all the kids allowance for doing chores.  Chores were putting dishes in/out of dishwasher, taking out the trash, doing their laundry, etc... Stepsons excuse for not doing them was that he was not there to dirty anything so he didn't have to do it and my husband didn't make him do them.  He acted like he had a valid point!?! This caused resentment with my kids.  They did the chores and if they didn't they wouldn't get paid but stepson still got paid.  This is only a few things, I could go on and on! I think it would have been different if I had support from my husband. 

I don't feel like I can really blame my stepkids because their mom would encourage them. Telling them that their father never does anything for them.  She would tell them that we had all kinds of money and she was so poor.  So they would demand that their father do something for them or give them money for things that they wanted (not needed).   I mean like an Iphone, $100 pair of jeans or a car.  They would ask for money for needed things too but they didn't want him take them shopping and they needed to do it right now.   He did refuse to just give them money and did take them shopping when they needed something.

Just don't ignore things for too long if they are still continuing to go on.

Jaime - posted on 02/19/2009

I feel your pain Heather. I have given up trying as well. No one in my situation seems to want to make any compromises, and the visitation has turned into a long 7 months since we have seen my SS. I am tired of trying to push my husband into visitations, and tired of trying to help make that visitation possible. I have 3 girls of my own and I am focussing on them and no one else. I know I sound selfish but for once I am looking out for myself and my girls, everyone else can fend for themselves.

I would love for my SS to be more apart of our life, but that is not my job any longer. I am also tired of defending my husband and his fatherly skills. He is a grown man and can make his own choices.

Dawn - posted on 02/19/2009

Heather, sounds to me like you have the perfect attitude.  I am a bit envious!  :) 

Letting go the way you have is the best thing for you and your marriage. 

One thing you said  is you said you can't love the kids.  You do love the kids and you can.  Who cares what that woman thinks.   Also, you do have a right and a responsiblity to make sure that the kids don't get hurt or hurt someone else - and that requires some displine.  But I'm sure you know that.

You have a great attitude.  And I think you've got it all figured out!

Lisa - posted on 02/18/2009

I have felt the way you felt for many years now.  And the kids live with me!  She is always saying what I do wrong, this and that....But she is not even raising her own kids!  I get tired of kissing their mom's butt because my husband doesn't like to upset her.  I feel like I am the only one raising them and they are not my biological children.  I love them as if they were, but just as you said I feel like I am not allowed to truly care for them that way.  It's been a heartbreaking situation for 8+years now.  She is a sneaky person and makes her kids sneak around too. 

Kelli - posted on 02/18/2009

Sometimes you have to just step back like you are doing however I do not think this approach will always be best. These kids will always be in your life and you will eventually find a way to "get around" the current situation. The one thing I do not understand is how she can control the things you do within your own home, why can't you take them to dinner, etc. You cannot control her actions but you can control your reactions. You are in a bad spot. Sometimes we have to pick and choose our battles. Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 02/18/2009

Sounds like a good plan, but I have a question? What about when the dad isn't there all of the time that the SK are? Does that make sense? Like, I had come to basically the same situation as you ... let Dad do it all. But most Firday nights & Saturdays, my husband is gone ALL DAY! It seems SS acts out mostly when my husband is here.