grandparents who just dont care :(

Melissa - posted on 02/08/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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about 6 months ago i made a massive decision to have my partner and SD find different living arrangments. after 3 years of constant put downs, threats and physical agression to my own girls ( nearly 3 and 1) id had enough, it was a fantastic idea- we all gave each other space but i still love my partner and so wanted him to move back home but SD didnt, all her behaviour turnt for the worst- stealing, fighting, lieing, swearing ect... i was use to it but her dad wasnt and he couldnt handle it, so his decesion was to hand her over to his parents. who are as equally wacky and toally obbsessive over her. the problem is im use to them always putting SD first but they havnt contacted or seen my kids in 6 months, they missed my youngest 1st birthday because SD needed a hiolday, so they took her to QLD. im at bioling piont!!!!!!! what would you do, speak out and let it be known that your kids are as important or just kick back and shrug it off. they only live 10mins away and they pass my house everyday to take SD to school. SD is only 8 yrs old and controls there life, if she said put your head in the tiolet, they would. if my kids said hello, they'd ignore them. its so frustrating, any advise will be sooooo helpful

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[deleted account]

Without getting into too much details, I'll just say my own parents don't claim my daughter and have just recently started seeing her more. I have a niece and she is the obvious favorite grandchild. They spoil her rotten and do all the 'grandparent'y stuff with her. IIs it frustrating that my own parents don't care at all about my child but love to death my sister's daughter? Yes! But as the other ladies said, you can't live your life pleasing everyone. You have to decide what is best for your family. My hubby and I have decided we will never keep our daughter away from her maternal grandparents. If they want to spend time with her, money on her, then great. If not, then they are the ones that will have to answer someday when she's old enough to question why they don't care give a darn about her.

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Sherri - posted on 02/20/2011

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I say cut them out.... don't even mention them to your kids. Act like they're dead. You have to protect your kids from getting hurt. It's bad enough when parents fly in and out of the picture... those are things that we can't control. But if the grandparents are going to make them feel "less than" or not be involved, I'd cut them out and save your kids the heartache.

I have a grandmother like that. She is involved in my step sisters life and my brothers life. She sends my neice and nephew cards and gifts during the holidays, but she doesn't speak to me because I refuse to have anyhting to do with my father (her son) and because when I was 14, I stopped visiting my very sick grandfather. He had altzeimers and it was very hard on me. I made the very tough decision that I wanted to remember him the way he WAS and that once he no longer remembered me or himself, the essence of who he once was, was gone so continuing to see him only effected me.... and negatively.

It was harder for me to suffer the rejection of me grandmother than it was my father. Grandparents (in my teenage mind) were the fun ones that spoiled you during visits and played with you and taught you things that parents couldn't.... to be punished by her because my father was an abusive jerk was difficult to swallow and still hurts to this day.

Hope that helps.

[deleted account]

My mother-in-law has never bothered with my 2 youngest. But when it comes to my sd totally different, in fact ebven my sd's brother and sisters from her bio moms side get more from her than my 2. Its sickening, but i madea decision that id had enough, and i very nicely told my mother-in-law that she no longer has a part in my childrens lives or mine. Id had enough of the unfair treatment from this woman, i knew she hated me, because everybody she spoke to told me as such, and i even overheard her myself a few times. I had enough of taking my children to viist her (she would never come here, even though she drives and i dont) and her ignoring them. I stand by my decision 100%. I'd rather in 10 years my kids thought i was mean for doing it, than for them to turn their confusion inwards..."why arent i good enough for nannie? why doesnt nannie love me?"
If they are no good and you really think its for the best, then just ignore them right back. x

Melissa - posted on 02/16/2011

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the last time i spoke up about them being unfair to all the grand children, she throw a glass outdoor table at me, i was 13 weeks pregnant and lost the baby :( it took a long time for me to forgive them and still inside i blame her. she told me that it wasnt meant to be, kodee didnt need another sister. and reading your advice, gave me a vote a confidence... no we dont need them, my kids dont need to know wacky people. just wanted to do the right thing and let them have the option of my girls knowing there grandparents!!! but there loss :) thanks rachael

[deleted account]

This is a tough one... But the question to ask yourself is are your kids really losing out by them not being totally in their lives? They are young enough now that they do not understand. But of course later they may wonder. Has anyone tried to get your SD help? Speaking your mind may help, but I do not know them and am guessing it would just make the situation worse. Maybe your partner could speak up since their his parents. Have you talked to him about it? And the SD being about to choose if she wanted to move back in does not sound good to me. She basically won that round. (I hope I am not sounding harsh here) It sounds like everyone needs to step up and set some rules for her now. Her getting everything she wants is not benefiting anyone, I think it is just hurting her, or at least it will in the long run. Though you do need to worry about the safety of your children... As for the grandparents, I really think for now the best thing would be ask yourself are your kids missing out? If they are have him speak up, or if you want to then you can.

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