Has anyone agreed to follow the bio-mom to a new state?

Betty - posted on 05/18/2010

So far BM seems to think we don't have to go to court anymore. We will let her think that as long as she likes since she seems to be extra mean before hearings and mediations. We still need to fix some co parenting issues before we move and I hope we can do this privatly and just present the changes we agree on to the judge. We will see...

BethAnn - posted on 05/13/2010

Best of luck Betty. I hope the BM doesnt do a "dance" around the whole situation. All of us SM's are right behind you :)

Betty - posted on 05/13/2010

Well, my husband decided to just tell her in an e-mail last Sunday.

BM has not responded yet. I think BM might be waiting to talk with her lawyer about the matter. We'll just have to wait and see.

We are going to SD's preschool graduation tomorrow. I'm sure BM will be there to make it slightly akward for us since she hasn't responded yet. We're all so proud of SD and I know it will make her glow to see all 4 of her parents supporting her.

We are all going to meet with the therapist anyway, but now it's just so we can discuss SD's issuses.

Soon as we get a response I will let you all know. It should be interesting. Does she have the guts to back out on moving now that her escape plan is foiled? We shall see...

BethAnn - posted on 05/13/2010

Nicely put Alicia... ""All we ever do is defend ourselves against her wrongful accusations and do our best to defuse every situation. We even acknowledge the good things BM does for SD and tell SD how nice those things are so SD knows we don't hate everything about her mother." We don't talk bad about their BM, we try to keep information that is inflammatory away from the little ones - unfortunately, the favor is not returned. I wish you luck." I feel like I am alone in that battle!

Alicia - posted on 05/13/2010

Betty - please be sure to keep us posted in the BM reaction in the session. We are planning on moving into the same school district as the BM - but we had to wait until she closed on the house she was buying so that we could be sure she wouldn't just up and move. Sometimes, it's hard to know what is right to do in a situation. I can so relate to this: "All we ever do is defend ourselves against her wrongful accusations and do our best to defuse every situation. We even acknowledge the good things BM does for SD and tell SD how nice those things are so SD knows we don't hate everything about her mother." We don't talk bad about their BM, we try to keep information that is inflammatory away from the little ones - unfortunately, the favor is not returned. I wish you luck.

Holly - posted on 05/07/2010

I think you have it exactly right Betty. I applaud you guys for thinking of your sd first and foremost and trying to do what is best for her. :)

Betty - posted on 05/07/2010

Most of the drama is done through e-mails and lawyers. 99% of the transfers are drama free, the drama starts after BM believes every story SD tells her(she's great at telling stories lol) and by then we're miles away from her. SD just needs to feel safe and loved. She isn't going to feel that way if she knows that her parents aren't even willing to live in the same zip code for her.
What if your child had cancer? Would you veto treatment because of the drama it creates? Chemo isn't healthy either but it's something that might fix the problem a little.
We're just trying to fix SD's situation as much as we possibly can. It isn't SD's fault that her parents split up. When she's sick and just want's her mommy she should be able to see her. When she's hurt and just wants her daddy he should be able to go and pick her up. If we live two states away this isn't possible. When she's old enough to understand that we were willing to move just so we could be with her I think that will sound way better than telling her we never stopped fighting with BM because SD loves her BM and always will. When we fight with BM that's a direct hit to SD even if BM fully deserves it. Fighting with BM about things will only alienate us from SD. We do our best to keep peace, we don't call up BM every time we think her parenting could use a little coaching and we don't argue over where we meet for transfers. All we ever do is defend ourselves against her wrongful accusations and do our best to defuse every situation. We even acknowledge the good things BM does for SD and tell SD how nice those things are so SD knows we don't hate everything about her mother.

BethAnn - posted on 05/06/2010

Betty- I would strongly suggest getting a second opinion. My mother is a Dr in Psychology and a psychotherapist and has the exact opposite opinion. Between the BM controlling your life and the harm it could do to your SD keeping the drama of the interaction is not healthy as well.

Holly - posted on 05/06/2010

I think you guys made the right decision Betty, I really really do. In the end, it's not where we are, but who we are with. Good luck hun!!!

Betty - posted on 05/06/2010

Well, BM doesn't know we are planning this yet but it's been decided. Today DH had a meeting with SD's therapist and told her about us planning on moving. The therapist was very impressed that we would do this for SD and told DH it would be a good idea all of us(me, my husband, bm, and the step dad) to meet with her and tell BM during the meeting. She said it would be a great way to see if BM is just trying to get SD away from him. I know for a fact that if the courts gave us primary custody BM would just decide that moving isn't worth it after all and just continue taking us to court(every 6 months) until given her way. This is going to get very interesting but honestly, the drama is never going to go away no matter what we do so we might as well get over it and do what's best for SD. DH is planning on doing school there, we can get into low income housing, and I'm really good at getting new jobs.

Alicia - posted on 05/06/2010

You said that if you get primary custody because BM moved, then the daughter would be flying back and forth every month. If you get primary custody, you could base the flying around school schedules so BM has SD for alternating extended holidays and summers. I have seen it done that way for the kids benefit many times. Your relationship with the BM is strained and not on good terms. Following her out there will be giving her a sense of power - even if you think she will hate the fact.

I also know what you mean about the BM making you look bad to people. Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to curtail this evil behavior. If you find a way - let me know.

BethAnn - posted on 05/06/2010

Hi Betty- I would NEVER follow the BM and her drama. There is a reason your husband is NOT with the BM so why torture yourself and your husband by doing this. Your SD might not have a choice but when she gets older she will understand how you all fought to keep her close. The BM wouldnt sign their divorce paperwork if my husband (not at the time) would not sign a move away for the future! So when they moved 5 years after the divorce, my oldest SD wanted to stay and it caused WWIII. My SD said forget it, I will go and save my life the drama. We are suppose to see them 3 times a year. BM didnt send for spring break but we had to fight tooth and nail for summer. She is the most dramatic, mentally unstable woman but in CA the courts dont give a flying fit. Doesnt matter whi is fit as a parent. So Let them go and pray that when your SD is older you can relay to her how much you tried and loved her. Dont sacrafice your life. Your husband already sacrificed enough being married to BM.

Betty - posted on 04/30/2010

We don't care if we're poor, or what kind of jobs we have but we want the best for SD. That's what concerns us most about this move. SD needs stability and she wouldn't get that by moving with BM since we were told they only want to live there for 2 years. Where do they want to live next and how long would they want to stay there? If we could become the dominant household she would be able to graduate with the same group of kids she starts kindergarten with and that would be really good for her you know? SD also has some medical issues and sees two different specialists, they both seem to be giving her the treatments that work best but what will happen if she gets new doctors? Will they insist in starting from scratch? I don't want to risk my SD's health now that she is showing improvements.
But on the flip side BM is a stay at home mom, we both work. SD has a half sister at BM's and another on the way, we will likely wait for an accident. BM participates with therapy and DH does not. BM cooks organic foods DH does not. BM has a degree in child development DH does not. BM has has had 70% custody of SD for the last 2 years DH has not. So, even though school and doctors are good cards for us to pull she has her own and is very good at making people she hates look like garbage I must add.
Just pray for us.

Betty - posted on 04/30/2010

BM is taking DH back to court for this. She isn't just picking up and moving. We are going to propose a new parenting plan that would have SD living with us in her home town. BM's plan is to live there for two years and then move back so we really want her to start school here. If she is unable to stay here for school anyway we will just move up there. I think BM started looking for a reason to move in an attempt to get away from us because she hates us. So if she knows we will just follow her she might agree to our proposal if it's generous enough. It would be hard on SD for the parenting plan to change like this but in the long run she will enjoy being able to grow up with the same group of friends at school. She will need to wait an extra year to even start school if she moves because of the different cut-off dates(she's a September baby) and she's ready for school now. It's pointless to try to enforce her having to pay all travel expenses because she'll refuse anyway. If we could just eliminate child support and call it a wash I would be happy with that though. Gosh it's stressful having to deal with uncertainty like this. I'll be happy when it's all done with no matter what the outcome is.

Tonya - posted on 04/30/2010

We have been through this. Check your court papers. Most of them have a clause that they can not move out of state without prior consent of the court. Which means she has to have a good reason for moving. In our case, she moved from us she had to pay all travel expenses for our visitation....

Betty - posted on 04/29/2010

BM would be PISSED if we decided to move out there too. We may be able to use that as a bargaining chip.

Sandy - posted on 04/29/2010

I wouldn't suggest doing this unless it were absolutely necessary as it may give BM a false sense of power over you and may cause you difficulty in the future.

Holly - posted on 04/29/2010

I can see where you're coming from Betty. At the age of 4, doing the back and forth thing between states isn't bad, but when she starts school it will be a whole different story.



I would wait and see how court goes. If the court says she can move, then I would seriously look into your own options. I would start looking at jobs and such in the place the bm is moving to as well as housing and how the two compare (such as: could you get a good house and a good job? Could the job pay for a house out there? etc...). I would also do your research on cost of living in the new location and such.



If the move would be relatively easy (you could get jobs and support yourselves) then I would seriously look into it. If you are afraid of leaving family (and therefore your support system), then I would weigh the pros and cons of each scenario.



There's no question about the fact that if the bm gets majority custody and takes your sd, then you guys will get way less time than you get now. You have to think long and hard about whether you and your hubby can handle that separation, because I think that will be the most influential thing in this whole ordeal.



I wish you the best of luck in all this! Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Jessica - posted on 04/28/2010

Whats her reason for moving? Why are ya'lls chances of winning slim? As of now Do you live in the same town as you sd? If you do then it would be a better chance that she would stay with you since she wouldn't have to leave everything and move. Im not trying to be rude or mean but eventually she is going to have to go more than days without seeing one parent, I know she is young to start but maybe its time...

Betty - posted on 04/28/2010

I know what you mean. I was kinda wishing we could just keep her here but we can't afford our lawyer and our chances of winning custody are very slim even with a lawyer. It's complicated. Also, my SD hasn't gone longer than 10 days away from either parent and she's only 4.

Jessica - posted on 04/28/2010

I have not done this. I'm not for sure what state you live in but I live in Texas. Everystate is different if its laws but in Texas the non-custodail parent can only take the custodail parent to court for changes once a year. I would look into something like that. I would NOT move to a new state just for the bm. If she wants to move let her... thats just less drama in ya'll life that you would have to deal with. If you don't want your sd on a plane every month. Im sure that is going to be costly. Make the bm come get your sd and ya'll go get her of ya'll can meet half way. I would not pick up everything I have and move to a different state just to make the bm happy.