He Gets Everything!!!

Kate - posted on 11/20/2009

We went through this, and we still go though it. no matter home much we buy for the kids for our home, they end up taking to their mothers and the next time they come over all I hear is how I have nothing for them to do at our house. this year I told them it is because they take it to their mothers and we never see it again, clothes, toys, bath items everything. Being that they are 16,15 and 13 they are old enough to know that just because they keep taking it home means that we are going to keep replacing it, so now if they forget to bring something with them that i have bought for them then they go with out. We have done everything to make this just as much their home, but the mother has spent the last few years telling them how much they are not apart of our family. She has gone as far as telling the kids that Dad has a new family and if he loved you then he would give you anything you want when you want, but when he says no she tells them its because he loves his new family more. for years we have heard her tell the kids "i don't know why you want to see them when you know you will have more fun with me" and yes that is word for word. That constant behavior has pushed the kids away from us. It is a tough situation and the more kids are manipulated and the longer it happens the more damaging it becomes. It comes down to different rules and role models can be con fussing for kids, if two parents can not communicate then the kids are going to have a hard time and the parent who is easier to live with, that they have more freedom with is always going to be the good guy and the other parent is going to be the bad guy. If her mother is going through a life change, a new relationship or something along those lines she could be saying things to the daughter to make her choose sides and then no matter what you do her daughter will only see her view.

Christine - posted on 11/15/2009

like mariah said it could be her starting to go threw puberty....we all know women have moodswings so maybe thats whats wrong with her right now. Do you spend one on one time with her when shes at your house? because maybe you and her need to have some girl time. do you think of her as your husbands daughter or as your step daughter? im not trying to offend you in anyway but in your thing it kind of sounds like you really arent into being this little girls "mother" figure, i know she has a biological mom but really you are also her mother "stepmom" to. if you dont really want to class her as yours as well then maybe she can sense that and it makes her feel unwanted, considering she sees how you are with your little guy. like i said before i am totally not trying to offend you or make you look bad or anything like that just asking because everyone is different when it comes to step children and myself personally i have a step son and i treat him as if he was my own, we do all kinds of things together when he is with us and he has even told him biological mom that we were best buds. i think she needs time with both of you appart to bond.
well i hope i could help. & sorry if it came across as mean or anything because it wasnt meant to.

Mariah - posted on 11/14/2009

She is getting to that hormonal age, the preteen years. So she does have her own room, she doesn't have to share? You said she has toys, clothes, phone and even cable tv. There are pictures of her up.

Does she get yelled at a lot? Is she acting out or misbehaving a lot to earn yelling? I'd make a list of the house rules and put them up in writing. That way she does break a rule and gets a consequence you can refer to the rule she broke, make sure you do the same for rules your son breaks. When she asks about the toys and clothes he gets, tell her that so and so got that for him and remind her that she has relatives that buy her gifts and they don't give gifts to your son. When she complains that there are no pictures of her up, point them out and say, yes you do, either that or make a point of dusting the pictures when she's there and make a comment about her picture "I really like this shirt you're wearing in this picture that we got for you"

That's why I'm glad I have boys, she might be having some of those PMS feelings of no one loves me and just plain bitchiness. When she complains, correct her nicely and then leave it at that, don't argue. If she continues to complain, tell her you're sorry if she feels that way, but that you feel good because you know you're treating her fairly and have given her a comfortable room with nice things in ti.

Kristi - posted on 11/13/2009

I think that you might have misunderstood me up above. We do have her every other weekend yes. She does have her own room, equipped with cable tv, and phone closets and dressers full of clothes and toys of her own. There is more pictures of her hanging around my house than there is of my bio son. But, she says i still that Austin gets everything (my bio son) he has more toys, there is more pictures of him in the house. (which there isn't) I just don't know what to do to show her that things are equal.

Heidi - posted on 11/13/2009

Kids will see things differently. I have a stepson that lives with us and doesn't see his mom anymore(mind you he is almost 19) but his mom hasn't seen him in almost 3 years now. It use to be years back my stepson would live with us one week and live with his mom one week. That changed though because it was affecting his grades, so when he was 12 he lived with us all the time and visited his mom every other weekend. Then slowly by surely his things started disappearing from his moms house. first it was video games, then his dresses and then his bed? Not sure why she would get rid of everything, but she did. We asked her why she did that and she said she wanted us to buy him new stuff for her house! Well that wasn't going to happen. My stepson had everything there that he needed and she sold it all. So my stepson stopped going there. Then when he started working she would call him for money. Get a job lady!

So with that being said...I also have to deal with a bio dad and a stepmom for my 10 year old(we are a blended family) and my son rarely sees his "other family", and he doesn't have his own room, he doesn't have toys there. I am not sure if they pictures of him around there house, but I assume they do since I send school pics every year. There is no need for me to go in there house. I have questioned why my son doens't have a bedroom and they say its because he rarely goes there to visit. My ex is entitled to see my son every other weekend, but chooses not to. So if my son did go there like he was suppose to then would they have a bedroom for him? I don't know.

Either way I am wondering why you guys don't have pics of her around the house? Why doesn't she have some things of her own there? If she comes everyother weekend then she should have some stuff of her own. I don't understand that at all.

So why not hang up her picture, and why not get her some things for herself? Mkae her feel at home rather then a stranger? She is part of your family right?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I am trying to understand thats all.