help with my six year old step son

Crystal - posted on 01/25/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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my six year old step son has been babied and basically allowed to act and do whatever he wants by his father; who has custody of him. (the mother lives 2 states away and really hasnt ever had much to do with him exept holidays) I am much more strict. I have an 11 and 10 year old (they live with their father but i see them every week several days a week) and a 5 year old that lives with us. My 5 year old has her temper tantrums as every child does, but she knows how to behave and that i will not tolerate whining, fit throwing, hitting, throwing things, screaming, yelling at others basically disrespectful behavior. My step son whom i love, but am becoming overwhelmed with because he does not listen and is extremely disrespectful. his father (my husband) tells me to deal with him as i would my own, but it doesnt do anygood cuz then he turns to his dad and his dad doesnt stick to things; unless i make a fuss about it. if i am here my husband is better, but when im not here there's no strickness...the hardest part is that my husband will be gone for 30 days and i will have to deal with him by myself...help because i can not and will not tolerate this little boys disrespect!!!!

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Rachel - posted on 01/31/2010

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i have an 8 yr old step son who is babied by his mom, we see him every other weekend and my husband sees him as much as he can otherwise, but not as much as he would like bc he travels. the step son pulls the exact same thing, walks in the house and literally shoots daggers in my direction, wont talk to me, whining, crying, excessive emotion, just embellishment over absolutely nothing, when he has to do a chore or gets in trouble or doesnt get what he wants, etc. be consistent and make sure your husband understands how imperative it is he stands behind you and your rules (and in fact, discipline comes from him and is consistent with what you would do when hubby is there). my husband likes to take the easy way, and would gladly let me handle it all, but i've made it known that the only way his son will know that the rules are OURS not MINE is for him to also stand behind them bc i cannot have order with my 2 (8 and 11) if i am being inconsistent with stepson. expect slow progress, but it will come. good luck

Michelle - posted on 01/30/2010

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Oh ladies I feel your pain! I have a 6 yr old SS who has been with us full time over 3 yrs. Before then his grandmother was raising him as my husband contracted out of state during the week. I've been in his life since he was 2. He's always been my buddy but I'm having real issues with his fits, whinning & disrespect towards me & his father. I'm feeling like I'm to strict at times and not to mention 5 months
pregnant with our 2nd child I feel very overwhelmed! He's a very sweet boy don't get me wrong bit spoiled big time! Used to having his grandmothers undivided attn and
we have another child and it can't be like that in our household! I'm really struggling with him and have little patience. So ladies ur not alone!! Good luck!

Amy - posted on 01/28/2010

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I have the same problem! My step son is in split house holds though one week on one week off. I know his dad is so easy on him and lets him rule the house because he feels guilty about not having him all the time and wants his kid to have a good time when he is home. The good thing is I am a stay at home mom and when he is home w me any disrespect he goes in the corner for time out and if he doesn't stay in the corner he gets stuff taken away. I am constantly telling my husband (when ss can't hear) That he has to follow threw with my punishments and not let him have stuff back that I take away. It seems the only time my husband and I fight is when my ss is home. My husband is finally seeing when I tell ss to do something he does it and when he tells his kid to do something all he gets is a big fit lol.

Margaret - posted on 01/27/2010

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You need to have a serious "confab" with your hubby. He needs to understand the importance of a united front, and to reinforce your authority with his son. Be sure he will back you up if you discipline his son, and then simply tell this little guy that "we do not behave this way--and you do have to listen because I'm taking care of you." Then enforce the rules--and if you have to be a hard line, so be it. Treat him exactly as you do your daughter, and don't back down. Allowing him to misbehave is not doing him any favors and will create problems for you with your daughter if you do--the rules have to be uniform for all, or you'll have chaos. Good luck, sweetie!

Sara - posted on 01/26/2010

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The first time I ever had to take action with the behavior of both of my stepsons, I had a similar issue. Their dad saw NOTHING wrong with how they acted. They didn't have to say please or thank you. They made demands and if they acted out, there wasn't anything anyone could (according to him). The root of him allowing them to act like that was very simple. He was convinced that their growing up in a home of divorce was his fault and he was terrified that if he did anything to discipline them, they would hate him forever, and even worse, side with their mom and never love him again. I worked on changing the way they speak to and treat me first and eventually, they started to treat other people, including their dad, better. Kids want attention and they don't care if it is positive or negative. It is really hard, but I would try to make it clear that anyone who chooses not to speak to me like a civilized person is not getting anything from me. If he throws a fit, walk away. Eventually, he will get tired and give up. This is not instantaneous, but its the best advice I can think of. Ignore bad behavior and praise good behavior. Your husband does not have to be on board right away. Fix the way you are treated and reacted towards, eventually, everything will fall into place.

Crystal - posted on 01/26/2010

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it doesnt do much good hes looking through rose colored glasses...his sons actions simply aren't as bad as i see them to be...according to him...

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You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that unless he doesn't stand by you and be strict and follow with the things you are doing, things are not going to change and could get worse. Ask him if he wants his son to grow up and not listen to anyone and disrespect everyone around him and whine every time he doesn't get his way. I think he may get the idea.... good luck. You could also make a point to SS that your 5 yr old is younger than him and she acts like she is older than him... he might notice and get upset that he is acting more like a child than his younger stepsister...

Ashley - posted on 01/25/2010

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I have a 5 yr old step son who throws fits and cries when he doesnt get his way we send him to the bathroom(in our house) by himself until he can get himself together and then we discuss it with him as far as the behavior my husband is the same way he lets my SS get away with everything as long as it doesnt bother him I have yet to find anything that works.SS is very disrespectful to me and others hes violent with me and doesnt listen to a word I say. We have tried everything from time outs to grounding to taking things away nothing seems to phase him

Sara - posted on 01/25/2010

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I have a 6 year old step son...I can't wait til he has children lol!!! What I had to start doing was every time he would throw a fit or get whiny, my response became as follows "I'm sorry, but I can't understand what you are saying when you don't speak like a big boy". It seems to work. I actually got that advice from one of my childhood education professors who is also a mom of 3. Try that and see what happens.

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