How can I better control my anger towards my children?
Sarah - posted on 10/17/2009
Okay, add me to the list! I am a yeller too. We are a blended family; 3 stepkids aged 13,7,& 8, and our twins aged 17 mos.
I think I subconsiously resent the fact that I can't focus all of my time and attention on the babies.
Things are so crazy at times, there isn't a lot of consistency with how the children are disciplined. I think that may be why they still push the limits on what they should or should not be doing, and whether or not they choose to follow directions.
Consistency and predictability are key factors in keeping control of your children.
Still investigating this theory...
Since there are so many of us, we should start a 'Stepmothers Who Yell' support group! ;-)
Kristy - posted on 10/16/2009
I too was a yeller. WAS! My kids are now 9, 13, and 20. Take it from me, it is not worth it. I have had to deal with a 13 year old who from my own actions has become a yeller! Try St. John's Wart. It is sold with the vitamins, and really helps take the edge off. Seriously they get so used to the yelling they just tune you out.
1. Don't disguss any situation until you have cooled off. at least a half hour.
2. Do not hand out discipline when you are mad. When youa re mad you tend to go over, then are unable to follow through with the discipline which just makes their behaviors worse.
3. Don't fret the little things. We all have breaking points! It is how you handlethose which will mold how these children will handle theirs when they get older.
Becky - posted on 10/16/2009
I have to admit it I am a yeller too!!! Also instead of 3 kids coming at me I have 6 all ranging from the ages 3-8 and 5 girls. Man our household gets a little caotic sometimes. But good for he most part. If Dad is not home I tell them they need to sit in thier rooms for a bit and I go outside have a ciggerette and think over the situation that made me upset. THen I go back in calmly and we are fine. Sometimes I still yell. I go back and apologize to them and if Dad is home he will just grab me up and tell me its okay hes got it. What a wonderful man. But I am glad to hear I am not the only one. Good luck I know it is frusterating
Carrie - posted on 10/16/2009
I agree with a lot of things peeople are saying, yet I am also going through the same thing, but I think it might be worse...lol. I have 2 step kids, one has been violent in the past, is better other than listening and some other issues, but he's not the problem. The stepson who lives with us all the time is the issue, he smarts off, WILL NOT LISTEN, lies to me, lies about me, lies about his dad, lies about teachers, is mean to the baby and other children. And if you talk to him about it calm, he's 3 times as bad the next day. He has told his mom that I told him he couldn't call her mom andymore he had to call me mom, which is not true, most the time I wouldn't consider even knowing him. He waits for me to do something wrong so he can tell on me to his dad. I ask him to do something he tells me no, cries about it, as soon as dad get's home it all dries up, and acts as though he's doing what I asked. People I know date guys with kids, I'm like don't do, being a stepmother is HELL. It doesn't always work that way but I think about 80% of the time it's horrid. We've even done counseling together, and still NOTHING
Dailey - posted on 10/15/2009
I think the biggest thing is not to get them to understand why you are angry but for you to understand your boundaries and what pushes them and when they are being pushed you need to remove yourself from the situation. As the adult you need to reckognise when it's time to walk away. During this time you can enlist the help of others to change the situation. I used to be a yeller but when I divorce my ex I quickly learned that I was only a yeller when I was stressed. Remove the stress, change my ways was what I had to do. Also, I love the parenting with love and logic series. It has given me great tools to allow my kids and step kids to deal with the consequences of their actions naturally. You can probably get the tapes/cd's from the local library.
Cynthia - posted on 10/15/2009
Thank you all for your support! Its nice to know Im not the only one who feels like this! I have tried just talking to my step kids, I have tried the whole rewards thing too, they just flat out dont respect people. I put my daughter up for adoption and its an open adoption so i get to see her every now and then, but now im not allowed to see her at all because her adoptive mother said that she fears for my daughter when she is at my house because of my step kids... It really sucks and I wish I could have a better relationship with them, but like one of you said, that probably wont happen until they are adults. Anyway thank you all
Debbie - posted on 10/08/2009
Hi im a yeller also! I have to say when I yell it is bloody deserved! I say things over and over and I am quite patient, but I can only say things so often before the kids piss me off! You know what? when I yell I get results, they actually do what I ask! Then it starts all over again, i ask nicely and I ask nicely and then I ignore and then I yell. I figure I would rather yell than smack or something. The kids do what they are yelled at! I know it's probably not the model parent thing to do but I am human and the kids shit me sometimes! I tell them if you dont like me yelling listen to me when I say things! It's their choice, they are warned
Dana - posted on 10/08/2009
Well I'll be damned! I don't feel so bad anymore...Hi..my name is Dana and I am a yeller too! I love all my kids, but Lord, can they work my nerves sometimes! And surprisingly it's not the major stuff that makes me yell...it's the minor, stupid little things that set me off..the bickering, the not picking up up after themselves, ect..... I have found that making a cup of tea or hot cocoa, retreating to the bedroom and jumping on the computer for an hour relaxes me...I tell hubby to handle the situation at hand while I calm down and collect my thoughts and usually everything is a-ok!!!! I apologize to them for being such a beast, they apologize for upsetting me and we once again are one big happy family!!!
Traci - posted on 10/02/2009
I am a yeller too, but you do have to step back and take a breathier. They are only kids and it is true they want understand until they have their own kids. I have noticed that if I walk away and come back I handle the situation better. Try coming to their level - talking at someone whether a child or adult never helps the situation. Good Luck!!
Kaye - posted on 10/01/2009
I feel the same way i have a 16,15,13,and a 7 year old step daughters and when they are at the house they get on my nerves. Only the 7 year old lives with us and when she makes me angry i just get on my knees and say its going to be ok and you are 7 i am 25 and you should not act that way or i just tell her to go to her room until her dad comes home. Your step kids are never going to understand i have been with my husband for 5 years and his kids still make me angry they play their moms against me and than be a friend to my face. Girl just tell them to go to their room and you need a night out. Good Luck.
Lisa - posted on 10/01/2009
I applaud you for being able to ask this question, Cynthia. I find it timely for me. I'm not a yeller, and my stepkids are really good kids (not that yours aren't) but because of a lowering in my medication, I've become really irritable and angry toward the 3 year old who I take care of during the day. Or if I have all 3 kids coming at me at once I get overwhelmed, etc.
I like the idea of counting to ten in your head and breathing, it really helps. And if Dad is around, have him deal with it and you take a breather upstairs or elsewhere. I like what Catrina had to say, too.
Best of luck to you.
Betty - posted on 10/01/2009
When you feel like you are about to yell just ask yourself, "Should this really be bothering me?"
If the answer is no than take a chill pill and if the answer is yes than... well... take a chill pill.
I have a drink of water and pretend that the water is washing away all my stress and/or anger. Than, I clamly let the kids know it's time to calm down and pop in a DVD for them.
They won't understand why you are getting angery till they are parents too so focus your energy on staying calm. Eventually you will learn how to block it out. Just hang in there till then.
Catrina - posted on 10/01/2009
Seperate yourself from them. If their dad is around have him watch them so you can remove yourself from the situation and evaluate it all. If they are getting you so angry the worst thing to do is immediately react. All they are going to see or hear is your anger. So nothing will be accomplished. How do you want the children to express their anger towards you? Everyone, even our children are angry with us and the choices we make. I don't wany my kids stomping off to their rooms, or screaming and yelling. I want to know what it is I did that make them angry and how we can change it or how I can help them understand why things happened.
Every emotion is acceptable. That's one thing you've got to really understand. Children will always do something to upset a parent. It's how they learn things. They test the waters. If you return to them and find yourself raising your voice again, take a moment and collect yourself. It's fine to raise your voice and be firm, but yelling and screaming - like I said won't get you anywhere. Keep your ground. If you make a decision stick to it. Unless it's earned back. The older children usually hype up the younger ones, and once you get one going they all start in. So it's overwhelming to be out numbered.
Still collect yourself and be able to directly address each action that was upsetting. Don't ignore them because you are too frustrated. Keep your head up. Once you are able to get things under control without loosing your cool completely - it will all start moving along easier.
Jaimi - posted on 10/01/2009
I am a yeller also. Sometimes it helps to remember that they are only children, and don't comprehend logic like we do. Try to remember when you were that age. I'm sure the only thing you were concerned with was having fun and playing :) Surprisingly, counting backwards from 10 actually helps me. Perhaps you could try that.
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