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How did I become the Wicked Stepmother???

Molly - posted on 04/20/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

I am so frustrated! Last night, my DH and SS (15) got into an argument about use of the computer. SS became extremely angry with his dad and called BM to come and pick him up, which she did. Once he got to his mom's house, SS sent his dad a texted list of demands that he said we must follow or he will not return. These included changing dinner time till 7pm, allowing him to drive the old truck when he gets his license in 3 months, (not safe) changing the carpet in his room, taking away all his chores and lots of other things. DH called him back, and without discussing any of this with me, started negotiating. The more he placated, the more rude, demanding and disrespectful SS became. Suddenly it became MY fault that we had any rules! DH did not defend me or back me up. When he got off the phone, I approached him gently realizing that he was upset, but he became angry with me too. I have a daughter too, who is expected to follow the rules, and does so. SS allowed his dad to go and get him around midnight, but neither he nor DH has spoken to me since. DH and I discussed and set out the house rules together, these were based on common sense and not some arbitrary thing that I came up with. But when I tried to talk to DH about it, he just yelled at me that I was breaking up his family! ME? I wasn't even involved! Any suggestions???

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Jacqui - posted on 04/25/2009

Always remeber one thing: your husband's children will always want him and their mom together. No matter how nice you are to them - in their minds, you are the reason that theor mom and dad are not together. I have two step sons and it was really difficult, until I began to make them understand that this is MY home and MY rules apply, whether they, or their father like it or not. You have to inform your husband that this is how it is, because it's not going to work otherwise, you will always be on the "outside" looking in a getting blamed for things that you shouldn't be! Your husband needs to support you and there needs to be rules that he backs you up and supports. Tell him how you feel. You cannot allow children to get in the middle of your relationship. You are the adults and you need to take control! The kids may take a while to fit in,but they and your husband will see that if you are happy, when they follow your rules, everyone will be happy. It's not easy and it takes persitance. Your husband will literally have to choose that your needs are more important than those of his children. Make him understand that you want to suport him in parenting his children, but require him to support you first. If he cannot do this, then you will have problem forever. The step kids don't have to love you like ther mother, they don't even have to like you, but they need to be made to understand, by their father, that you are very important in his life and in your home, your rules are important and if they don't follow your rules there will be consequences. If the two of you are strong, the family will be strong and your step children will respect you! Understand, if they want to believe that you are the wicked step mother, you know that you are not, but that's their choice. Stand up for yourself!

Alichia - posted on 04/24/2009

Do these women really have nothing else to do with thier time. These BM's seem to really get off by doing thier best to destroy their ex's life (and that includes sm by default).

Alichia - posted on 04/24/2009

We gave ss a choice to stop the bad behavior, or stay with his mom. He chose to stay with his mother. His mom had to bring this up in court, so now ss is back in our lives. But since he has to visit, he has to live by the rules of the house.

Tori - posted on 04/22/2009

WTF!!! You know what...........that's ridicolous! Im sorry, but the hell with that! There is no way that a child, where I work everyday and pay my bills going to tell me what's going to happen in my house! He is a child and needs to be put in a child's place. Our purpose is to prepare these children for adulthood and he is really setting his son up for failure! I may be a little harsh, but the reply text wouldve been to stay ur a$$ at ur mums! U aint running nothing over here, especially if your daughter is exspected to abide by the rules, its going to create conflict amongst them. That sounds like a whole lot of extra drama that you shouldn't have to deal with, especially with your hubby siding with his son on some ridicolous crap like that....your going to be uncomfortable in your own home and if you can't even address that pettiness, then you won't be able to stand your ground on anything. Im sorry, but at the end of the day, your the adult, it's your house, if any of the kids cant abide by ur rules...sounds like they need to get jobs, buy they own computer, truck, etc. then they can do as they please.

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

1,488

First off, if BM came and picked up SS during Dh parenting time all Dh had to do was go and pick up SS, yes he probably would have needed some assistance with the police but it could have been done. Second, your breaking up his family? WTF?!!?!?!?!?! Im sorry but I would have said fine, then pack your shit and go live with her if shes your family, because last I checked the ring is on your finger not hers. But again, Im a b*tch and dont stand for crap. Sounds like DH needs a huge reality check and a serious ass kicking.

Sandy - posted on 04/21/2009

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I agree completely with all that has been said...in the process of loving and caring for everyone else just don't fail to also love and take care of and stick up for yourself! : )

Lori - posted on 04/21/2009

Hi Molly, I became a step-mother 21 years ago. My husband has 2 boys from his first marriage, I have 1 boy from my first marriage, and then we have 1 boy together. Im not going to tell you what to do and what not to do. Im just going to let you know that if you have patience and raise all the children with love and support, things will turn around. Its not easy having a blended family, at times its really hard. Especially if you have ex's in the picture that are trying to make you look bad. Just try to keep in mind, that they are children. Children push us as far as they can. I think it helps, if you let your husband discipline his kids, and you discipline yours., letting the kids know, that they must treat everyone respectfully. The most important thing here is to make sure that you and your husband stand united. The kids will try to divide and conquer, that is just human nature. If they see their parent and step parent standing together, on everything, it will be much easier for everyone. The children have been through a painful divorce and at first they look at us as the outsider. But as the years go by, they see who is there for them, and who loves them, unconditionally. They have already seen the arguing and all the nasty things that go along with a failing marriage. Let them see that their home is their soft place to fall. It may sound corny, but looking back, there are so many things I would have done differently. Its hard to look at things in the right prospective, when you are right in the middle of things. Life is complicated because people are complicated...especially when they arent mature adults yet. Good luck to you and your family.

Angela - posted on 04/21/2009

184

Hay Molly, that is not a good situation. I couldnt agree more with what has been said. Play by the rules or get out! You cant have 2 sets of rules. Unfair. To blame you is so wrong and painful for you and I can understand the fear that by standing up for yourself you could lose him! But you will lose YOU if you dont. I came close. Keep talking it out girl and stand your ground. Dont let a 15yr old run your life. And yes, we became wicked the minute we married men with children.

Di - posted on 04/20/2009

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One more thing, you became the wicked sm when you married. Courtesy of Cinderella and that Snow White bird.

Di - posted on 04/20/2009

521

Molly for me, that would be a deal breaker. The deal is broken for the child to return to your home until he agrees to live under the rules of the home and if DH doesn't like it, he can go with him. You both need to be one unit and as soon as there is a slight crack these kids just bust you apart. Just firmly stand your ground and say, 'I am not happy to welcome your son into our home unless he is prepared to respect our home by following our rules. He is 15 and I will not allow a 15 yr old to rule my home, who is the adult here?' Let them have visitation outside of the home until they are prepared to respect it. If DH objects then tell him don't let the door hit you on the backside on the way out. I realise that he is fearful of losing his child and that he thinks his child wont come back, but that would only be a short term thing. The ss would very quickly realise what he has lost and know that he had to conform. Not a good choice for your hubby to give into him but worse for him to blame you for it. Boy don't these men know how to wound us bigtime!

Amanda - posted on 04/20/2009

sounds like your step son has some ery selfish acts, and he was not given many boundaries or rules, i think that you and your husband should maybe go to counceling because if your guys are not on the same page it could be bad and that would not be good, when your daughter has one set of rules and the son can make his own rules it does not sound like that would be really fair, the step son is part of the family too when he is in the house and the house rules should apply to him as well. i flat out tell my step daughter that, i expect the same from her as i do from my girls and that how it's gotta be or it would create caos. well good luck and god bless.

Rebecca - posted on 04/20/2009

I have to totally agree with Sandy.

As my DH would tell me (tell SS) to 'Pull his head in & get over himself!' If you give in (or allow DH to) this once then SS is going to expect it next time & the time after & there is going to be real trouble when you do try to put boundries in place. Maybe try to get DH to do some AGREED negotiations, ie if you do the chores asked of you we will in return carpet your room. If you give us some respect then in return we will teach you how to drive (that doesn't mean giving him the keys & saying see you later). I don't know. You never know what sort of crap is being pushed in their heads when at home so it's hard to only blame SS.

Sandy - posted on 04/20/2009

165

I think your hubby really needs some councelling. If he thinks letting a 15 year old kid walk all over him is going to gain anyones respect he is mistaken. Instead he should of reacted to the texts with demands of his own. Demands like respect for everyone in the house, helping out by doing chores, proving he can be responsible enough to earn the right to drive a vehicle etc. All of these things just common sense. His son will never respect him for caving to these rediculous demands and this very childish, selfish behaviour. He is so afraid of losing his son that HE is breaking up his family ( the one he has with you ), and has lost all his backbone in the process. Sorry to sound so harsh but really I have never heard anything so silly as a child making those demands and a full grown man accepting them. Good luck