How do I convince her to get the paternity test?

Barbara - posted on 06/03/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been in a constant struggle to see his daughter from a previous relationship. His daughters mom refuses to let us see her and he's a great dad. We think partially because it might not be his kid. We decided to get a paternity test...only we really don't have the money to hire and attorney to take her to get it court ordered. I know she wont just cooperate and take the little girl in for the test, which if she had nothing to hide, why wouldnt she? Soooo...what she we tell her to get her to cooperate? I was thinking we can tell her that my husband is NOT signing away his rights, he wants a paternity test...and if she doesnt cooperate we WILL get an attorney and she will have to pay for one also, which I know she doesnt have the money for. But how should we word it all?

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Don't be fooled into thinking she won't be able to afford an attorney. We thought the same thing and got totally screwed when she showed up with a real SOB. Do yourself a favor and do whatever it takes to get an attorney if you plan on going to court. If you have visitation rights and they are spelled out in black and white in a court order, you can have the sheriffs department go with you to pick up the child during your scheduled visitation. They will uphold the court order and you can take the child from the home. Then while you have her, file for full custody and get the parternity test done. If she turns out to be his, the custody process will already be started and if she isn't, it will not matter anyway. If the BM is trying to support other children on limited income, you have a very good argument for taking the child away from her (especially given her behavior as far as visitation and lack of motivation to work). Be proactive and take as much control out of her hands as you can.

Barbara - posted on 06/03/2009

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These are mostly helpful answers, but she refuses to let us see the child so we can't just go take her in...we are going to just ask her to take the child and if not, than we will take her to court, attorney or not...most likely not, because she wont be able to afford one herself.

Kimi - posted on 06/03/2009

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Well... I think there are paternaty testing kits that you can do at home. Just swab and swab then mail it to the lab and wait for a letter or phone call. I heard it on the news once and I think you can get the kits at some pharmacies. If you can just go do it without BM having to get involved than it will be alot easier.

Are you willing to eccept the outcome? If SD is not his than he will never see her again. Another reason a privatly done test would be a better choice because you can decide weather or not to share the results with BM.

Jamie - posted on 06/03/2009

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you dont need an attorney to draw up papers. All you have to do is go to your local court and they have standard forms you can fill out. Thus you wont need an attorney. Like i said people always think they need an attorney and dont move ahead with doing the right thing because of it. its a child and that child should mean the world to herparents and step parents. to me using the excuse i cant afford an attorney is lame and shows a lack of interest. Please tell me how i managed a divorce, and a paternity case both seperate with out an attorney? I did the research myself, i filed my own papers, i prepared my self. why because they are my children and I want whats best for them. So call your local court ask how to get the forms, file them out and move forward. Stop procrastinating.

Jennifer - posted on 06/03/2009

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how old is the child? my husband, his family, and myself often question whether he is actually the father of his 2 children, but they are 10 and 9 now, and it would break their hearts to find out that he isn't their dad. on top of i don't think BM would know who it was either.

[deleted account]

I agree with Jamie. As her father, he has the right to take his daughter and get the test done without the moms approval. It does not need to be court ordered and I am pretty sure it can be done in a pediatricians office with a cheek swab. As long as he is her dad and there is no reason that he would not be able to see his daughter, she can not prevent him from seeing her. You do, however, need to meet with a family law attorney (usually consults are free) and draw up some paperwork that makes the visitation and support legal and binding. You could also file for custody by saying that she is withholding his lawful visitation rights. A lot of this does not need to be done through an attorney. Check with your local department of child services...

Jamie - posted on 06/03/2009

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You dont need an attorney to file the papers and get a paternity test. I did it and didnt have an attorney. I think people always think they need an attorney and they dont. And you dont need mom to get the paternity test. Next time you have the child go get one done. You can get a cheap on that isnt court approved and find out if its his child. If so then file iwth the court and get the test done the correct way. The child and the dad deserve to know.

Heidi - posted on 06/03/2009

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Well your husband obviously has reason to doubt that he is the dad of this little girl, so he has every right to know for sure. If it were my husband I would tell him to have a talk with the daughters mom and be completely honest with her. He should say that he has his doubts and he wants to know for sure. If in fact he is the dad then really shouldn't have a problem with it at all. Now if she has some doubts she may cause problems, so then you won't have a choice but to get a lawyer. I would do whatever it takes to find out for sure, before to much time is invested into this whole situation. Even if he is not the dad, he is probably the only dad she knows, so he could always be a part of her life if he wanted to without the responsibility of paying for child support. A friend of mine is in your situation and although he found out he is not the dad of his daughter, he still goes to visit her and take her on outings as if he was an uncle. Mind you he was paying child support for his so called daughter for 5 years, before he found out. But you bounded with this little girl and couldn't let her go so now that she is 9 and has a better understanding of things she is happy to spend time with her uncle. He just wants to be a part of her life and although he is not her dad, he wants to be a good role model for her.

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