How do they fit in your heart?

Kirby - posted on 03/13/2010

thank you everyone for your comments - its greatto know that i'm not alone in my feelings, and good to hear differences of opinion. i spend a lot of one-on-one time with my stepson, like taking him to the park and stuff, and i hope that he will never know the way i love him is different to the way i love my own twin boys. my twins were the making of me, then everything went crazy when they were born prem and had to stay in hospital for just over a month, and every day i want to spend as much time as possible with them. but i always make room for my SS, but its still just a little bit different....

Christina - posted on 03/12/2010

We have a family therapist due to my son's behavioral/mental health issues. Her and I were discussing this just last week... I don't care who you are, lol, it is never the same :-/ I love my ss's, but they grate on my nerves a lil more than my own son does and the same w/ my husband. It is not a bad thing, it is just human :-/ I don't feel the need to kid myself or anyone else...

My ss's live w/ us and as much as I *want* everyone to be treated equally by each parent, it is just not going to happen... there is just something about giving birth to a child that you just can't compare to anything or anyone else.

The therapist was so glad to hear this...she said that she sees it so much but no one is willing to say it aloud. It is just human nature and *nothing* can change that...don't feel bad, you are only human :D

Loreen - posted on 03/12/2010

it seems like that if you had girls and ended up with a SS, or vice versa its easier to accept then in your life as like the missing piece. Weather we like to admit it or not boys and girls get raised different so treating them a little different is ok and easily over looked. However when you already have say boys(i have 4 boys, one is not biological) the way you raise yours and the way the ex raises hers might be very different making it hard to connect. i have never been accused by my husband of not loving my stepson, but know he noticed the difference 2 years ago when both his ex and him told me i wasnt his mother and to but out. by the way i had just spent 3 years having my SS 80% of the time so his mother could get ahead in her carrer and travel the world with her boyfriend. i was hurt mostly that my husband diddnt even back me up. so i stopped. i still treat him the same when hes here, but its hard to cause im torn with what i was told verses how id been acting, its definatly not the same. your kids are yours and therefore just easier to be with.

Laura - posted on 03/07/2010

im in the same position as you, and its hard i know! like u feel guilty for loving your own child more than your step child. i know this doesnt help u but just thought id say ur not alone! and its good to know im not the only one!!

Sabina - posted on 03/06/2010

I think the children's age that you came into their life plays a factor, my SS was 2 when I got together this his Dad and so he has only really known me with his Dad. I always tried to treat/love him as I would a child of my own but his own Mum didn't like this and told me to wait until I had my own children. Sadly she has caused many problems which although I didn't want it to, it has affected the way that I feel about him. I try to often spend time with him and my own daughter (now 21mths) without Daddy around and we all get on really well. I have been accused by Hubby of favouring my own daughter but I have explained that I love them both equally but in different ways. My daughter grew in me for 9 months but my SS has grown his own place in my heart in different ways as we have grown together. Its alway a hard situation which I don't think anyone else could understand unless they were in this position themselves.

Sharon - posted on 03/06/2010

I too find it hard, I have 3 girls, 1 to my finance. He also has an almost 18 year old step daughter, she was 12 when we started going out. I found it really hard when I moved in with them to build a relationship with her, I tried everything I could think of.. About 2 years ago she moved out to live with her Mum as her and I did not get on and I think she was jealous of my girls. I still try all I can to think of her as my own but do find it hard as Im sure it is hard for her too. Yet my girls get on really well with my finace, so i really dont know weither it is a girl thing or what I am doing wrong?

Nikola - posted on 03/05/2010

I so agree... being a Step Mom is so very difficult. For me it is not that I dont love or cant lov my SS's as much as I down my own, its more like I'm afraid to show that I do because their mother would then feel like I'm trying to take over her place. So, I've had to stop myself from loving them like a mom which is super hard for me, because just like Brittanie I can not help but lov them like they are my own. I do however agree that the love you feel for your Step children is different than the love you feel for your own biological child. Expecially if you because a step parent when the kids are older.

Janice - posted on 03/05/2010

I would have to say that being a step mom has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I would encourage you to not let yourself feel condemned by your feelings, but also, don't accept that you'll always feel that way. I think most step parents do love their step children differently, and fostering a great relationship with a step child definitely takes more work because it doesn't come as naturally as it does with your biological kids. Dr. Kevin Leman has a great video series on Bringing Peace and Harmony to the Blended Family (no, I don't sell them!!!) I love his common sense approach in his books and videos - I know they've helped me make sense of my feelings as well as reassured me that I'm not alone in feeling challenged!

Tracy - posted on 03/03/2010

You really cannot compare your feelings to those of others. I think it is good that you recognize your feelings and can discuss this with your partner. Keep that line of communication open and don't close the door on having those feelings for your SS, it may come in time. Try spending time alone with your SS once in a while, it will certainly strengthen your bond whether your feelings grow or not.

I dearly love both of my SD, just as much as I love my son - but I came into their lives when they were young and their hearts were open to me.

Take care.

Brittanie - posted on 03/02/2010

I love my SD as in the same way as I love my three sons but that is my nature. I actually feel as though you're in the majority. Many people that I know do not understand the way I feel about my SD or assume that I feel differently for her than my boys. We do have a different realtionship since my boys live with me all of the time and my SD is only with us on school breaks, but when she is here she is treated the exact same as her brothers! I don't think there is anything you can do about the way that you feel though one way or the other, and you just have to do what comes naturally to you.