How do you deal with a child who does not want to go back to bio-mom's house?

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

One of the twins (8 yr old girls), cries almost every time it's time to take them back to mom's house. She begs to live with daddy and I. Doesn't know why she just can't live with us and visit mom like she does us. It breaks my heart. And I really don't know what to do. I try and comfort her and let her know how much we love her, that she can always call daddy anytime, and we'll see her in 2 weeks.

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[deleted account]

Thanks. I think the girls think of me as more of mom, then BM. They tell me everything. I know that drives her nuts. But I can't help it.

Angele - posted on 08/22/2009

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I have two stepson's (14 and 11)who until recently both lived with thier biomom. The older told his mother in the spring that he wanted to live with us. She thought about it for a month or so, thinking of every excuse of why he could not live with us. Thier relationship was very rocky. She came to realize that at his age maybe he needs his dad. She gave us several stipulations if not followed he would have to go back to her house. This I thought was unfair but went along with. He has been living with us for almost three months. Now the younger one wants to live over here also but does not know how to tell his mother. He is afraid she will get mad at him. It is not that we are better than she is. The boys just want to be with thier father. They have always lived with thier mother and now want to be with thier dad. So, I know your pain because you want to make everything alright. Do a web search for free legal help and make an appt. Best of luck

[deleted account]

Brandy - that is horrible. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I know how important it is for children, especially autistic children, to have a set routine. I wish you the best of luck.

Brandy - posted on 08/19/2009

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I have an autistic stepson who is 11 now. I have video tapes of him fighting his mother not to go with her. We have costudy. She get's him every other weekend. My father-in-law video taped an exchange with him kicking, screaming, crying, biting and hitting her. It took her almost a half hour to get him in her car. My husband pulls in and walks away crying. She gets mad because she thinks he should wrestle him into her car. The cop told us that it was are responsibility to get him there the rest was hers. When she finally got him in her car, she called a few hours later and wants us to come get him. I don't understand why we have to put him through that? Why force him to go? The courts say we have to make him.

Morgan - posted on 08/19/2009

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my step son cries and gets upset everytime we have to send him to his bio mom and we really just try to explain to him that

1. we wish he could stay to. we love being with him and we love him and we cant wait till he gets back. we even gave him a calendar for his extended visists so he could x off each day until he came back.

2. that even though we want to keep him his mommy wants to see him too. she loves him just like we do even though shes not quite as good as showing it.

3. we used to give him one of his dads bussiness cards (now he has the number memorized) so that any time he wanted to talk he could call and we would be there.



unfortunatly im not sure what more u can do but good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

[deleted account]

We don't have the money for court fees. I know how it sounds but its the truth. Plus biomom knows how to work the system! We are insisting to getting them every other weekend. To help with consistency and letting them know we are there for them. We go to all their school events and such.

Betty - posted on 08/17/2009

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Maybe he should try going back to court for more custody. That way you can tell her that daddy tried. Let her know that you try to see her as often as you possibly can.

[deleted account]

Thanks for all the posts. Their mom refuses to meet me, let alone talk to me. The girls have asked if I would be friends with their mom, I said yes. K came back and reported that "Mom has enough friends, she doesn't need anymore. And she still hates you." I know that the girls enjoy being with us because they don't have to fight for attention. At moms they have 2 older half brothers. And they don't get along with one of the boys very well. He can be a handful.



We have tried to explain that this is the way it has to be right now and that maybe when they get older it can change. K responds "well when am I old enough to tell a judge I'm living with YOU!" We try to explain it so she understands. But once she has something in her head, it's pretty hard to change her mind.

Judy - posted on 08/14/2009

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Just be supportive and understanding, make it clear she lives with her mother, not with u but u r there for her. Make her time with as good as u can. Also I think u should reach out to the Mother and try be become friends so she doesn't drill the kid for information about u. Let her ask u questions maybe a more open relationship with the Mother will help your daughter.

Estella - posted on 08/14/2009

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Well you need to find out what is going on at the biomoms home and if need be have social services pop in just explain to them there must be somethign going on because the child is so distress over going back home there maybe an underlining problem there

Megan - posted on 08/13/2009

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We are a SS who is 7 years old and asks the same thing all the time..."I want to live with Daddy and visit mom." I just keep reassuring him that at this point in time, this is what daddy and mommy have worked out and we are trying to do whats in the best interest for you. You need to spend time with both families and if one day in the future you still feel this way, we can try to figure it out if thats what is in the best interest for you. We would love you here as much as possible but for now this is what works.

Thats all you really can say! When there are teens the courts will let them choose if the household is good.

Jenna - posted on 08/13/2009

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this is one of the hardest things about being a step mum or parent, but all you can realy do is just let her know that you love her and daddy loves her to. there is one thing if its not already been done, take it to a lawer and find out where you stand. they might be able to help

Misty - posted on 08/13/2009

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I know where you are coming from I have a 12 yr daughter, that doesn't like to go back to moms. She wants to live here and go to schooldown here at daddy house. She miss her baby bither and daddy and I all the time. Her mom drills her for information and tells her that the courts gave her and her sister to her and thats where she needs to stay. I will pray for you and your situation as it hits right at home.

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