How do you deal with the stepkids mom???

Christine - posted on 01/09/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have 3 boys of my own and my boyfriend (of 5 years) has 2 boys. The sb are great, I treated them like my own, we do family things together all the time, well when the ex-wife lets us. I am an ex wife and I don't do have the stuff she does.
My problem is how to show the sb that I love them just aw much as my own kids. Every time I plan or try to plan a family trip, holiday, dinner, event, the ex wife says NO the kids have Hockey you can't take them. even though it is our weekend. So I end up having to plan stuff on the weekend we don't have them so that my kids can go away, and sb think that I don't care about them. Help what do I do??? The sb are 11 and 9 and I don't want to tell them that we go away without them(sometimes my kids will tell) and I don't want them to feel left out . I am torn.
Any ideas what to do??

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Kat - posted on 01/11/2009

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My husband had similar issues with his ex and his daughters. We went back to court and were told that when it is his weekend it is his, she has no say in what we do with the children. We never tell her what we are doing we just pick up the kids and do what we want after. The same applies for her, we have no say in what she does with the girls although we are fine with that unless of course there is a safety or moral issue. We were also told that we were not responsible for taking the children to the activities that she has scheduled on our weekends. This became an issue when sports started and Sunday school. We live about an hour and a half from the girls so we do not take them to those activities at this time. Of course they are only 6 now and I am sure things will change but as per the court we do not have to take them. At this point we are pretty amicable but it was a long road. We do make concessions when the need arises but it is always our choice. Not sure if this helps or not.

Christine - posted on 01/11/2009

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Thank you everyone. it is nice to know I am not alone.



My bf has a court order for everyother weekend, not specified yet to which weekend) we are taking her back to court for that. I ask her for the kids hockey schedule of games, I go on line everyweekend to check practice schedules and even email to ask if there are any parties or school dances that are coming up. I do everything to make sure I am covered. THEN at last minute she emails to say "THE BOYS WON"T BE COMING...THEY HAVE...." which is what I asked for earlier in the week. ARRGGGGG! We have gone to pickup the kids at Tim Horton's (the usual place for kid exchange) and if she doesn't show there is always a police man around to file a complant with.  Since we do not have the weekends specified the officers can't so anything, but take a report. So again we drove 30 mins out of the way to sit for 30 mins and wait for her not to show up. We have watched her drive by with the kids, as she waves.....GRRRR, but unless I want to run her off the road I can't do anything.



It breaks our hearts. The ride home is the worse, no kids, the anger and the disappointment. I wish she would just let the kids come. We have offered ( and already have) taken them to bday party's , dances, practices, friends home, just sometimes she doesn't want us too. We talk to the parents were we go (we don't hide in the corner) and we socalize, we don't talk about her at all that is one of our rules. No bad talk about the ex's. It somehow always get back and just causes more fighting.



I do not know how many weekend I have spent in an arena watching kids play hockey, dragging my kids along to support the SB, because mom said that "THE TEAM WITH FORFIET IF THEY DON"T SHOW UP"...we have heard that soooo many times. It happens all the time. We leave it up to the kids, if it is a practice then it is there choice, if it is a game then they have to go, that is our rules.  BUT IF ther e is not game on our weekend, we should be allowed to go away. not have to ask her. She is the kids coaches for hockey, so she brings the equipment too...if we don't tell her the kids aren't coming to a practice ...she calls the house, the cells all day looking for us with the I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN AN ACCIDENT.......CRAPP.



 



Sorry for ranting. It's nice to know I am not alone in this battle.



P.s. I have an ex too, and he see's our kids everyother weekend, and I plan my kids acitivites around the time they spend with him. So it can be done.

Jeanine - posted on 01/09/2009

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Christine, I can relate to the feelings that you have about wanting to include your entire family in planned events! I too used to try to make excuses for the bio mother. This caused me alot of anger and frustration because you want to scream the real reasons that the bio mother makes the choices she does, but that would just hurt alot of people and mostly my SD. So I started to think about the biomother's choices as just that, her choices and I should not have to live with the consequences, and neither should my SD!



The boys are old enough to understand that you are not planning these trips without them. I would explain to them that their bio mom was asked if they could come and she said that they couldn't. You are not bad mouthing her or lying to them. You are telling them just what has happened. I made excuses for my SD's mother's actions for a long time. My SD is now 10 and about two years ago I came to the realization that I don't have to protect my SD from her own mother's choices to keep her away from our family's events/celebrations or explain why her mother wasn't attending my SD's sporting events on a regular basis. I simply told my SD that her mother said she(my SD) isn't able to come to this event or do that with dad & I or that I didn't know why her mother missed swimming, skating, gymnastics, etc...This may sound harsh or cruel to flat out say what is really going on. Many of the mother's decisions were spitful and hurtful to my husband & I. It breaks my heart to see her cry after she has to miss out on something fun that we did as a family or that her mother missed a sporting event. She looks to us for explaination but I feel that it is not my place to say why her mother makes the coices she does.  I always told my SD that she is loved very much by all of her family and that she is never to blame for any of the choices that her mom is making. I have also talked to my SD about talking to her mother about this stuff. To flat out ask her why she made that choice or why she had to miss something. There is no reason that at this age my SD has to be left in the dark about these sorts of choices. They all directly involve her emotional well-being and life with both sides of her family. 



All we can do as Step-moms is support our step-kids in any way that we can. I think that being  loving, caring and open and honest with my SD is the best I can do for her.



 

Erin - posted on 01/09/2009

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I agree with karen and Elizabeth, dad needs to make sure of the details of his weekends  and make sure the court alows him to take them out of town and then tell mom to go @#$% herself (not in so many words) but to make sure she understands this is part of the custody agrement and it is in the boys best iterest to be able to go and have fun with their dad. And even though mom is obviously JELOUS there isn't much she can do about it! :)

Elizabeth - posted on 01/09/2009

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Unfortuantely it is a control issue for their mom. If your boyfriend has a court order that is specific about visitation then I would stick with it to the letter regardless of whether the kids have hockey or not. If they have a game or practice on your weekend then it should be dad's decision if they participate that week or if they could miss it to go on a family trip. I would find out their extra curricular schedule, that way you will know if they have something coming up on your weekend and I wouldn't let mom know your plans until the very last minute so that she can't come up with an excuse not to let them come. It's all a power trip. Sorry you have to deal with that. I do too.

Karen - posted on 01/09/2009

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Has your boyfriend ever addressed this issue with her?  Is there a custudy order? If those are "your" weeknds, she shouldnt have say... 

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I know with my step kids we never can seem to make plans either.......I don't have any great suggestions. But know you aren't alone

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