Jessica - posted on 03/31/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )
I NEVER speak badly about my SD's biomom in front of my SD, and often twist stories so that Mommy doesn't look so bad.
The only time I have sided against "Mommy" was when BM was smoking in front of my SD while seven months pregnant with her second child. My SD, who was six at the time, said to her mom that she saw on a commercial that it was harmful for the baby and for the mommy to smoke when you are pregnant, and mommy's shouldn't do that. My SD got scolded for her "attitude" and then was sent to her room. I told my SD that she shouldn't have gotten in trouble because she was only saying it because she loves her mommy and baby brother so much. I also explained that Mommy was probably just pretty embarrassed because quitting smoking is very hard, and she hasn't been able to.
Recently, my SD came home (we have custody thank god) from a weekend visit with her mom, with a rash all over her pelvic area. I asked her if she had been wearing clean undies everyday, and she said that all of her clothes were dirty, even the ones in the drawers, so she just kept pulling underwear out of the hamper. We have been through this MANY times before. BM does not do laundry and actually puts dirty clothes back in the drawer (she did this when my husband and her were still together; he would find clothes with spit up and urine in the dresser drawer all the time). We contacted BM and told her that my SD had been taking dirty underwear out of the hamper to wear, and that maybe she could "keep an eye on it" and make sure that she takes clean ones out of the dresser (we've tried all out confronting her, and she just lies and then blames my SD). At the next pick-up, her BM called my SD out in front of me and called her a liar for saying that she had no clean clothes. My SEVEN YEAR OLD stuck to her guns, and looked shocked at what was going on. When BM threatened her with a severe punishment, my SD went quiet and just said sorry. When she came home the next day, the first thing that she said was, "I did NOT lie, and I don't know why Mommy is saying that. I didn't want to get in trouble for something I didn't do!" My husband and I decided that we were going to sit her down and tell her we believed her. We again explained that, maybe mommy was embarrassed that she made a mistake, and didn't want to talk about it. Of course, my SD was furious and said, "She's an adult, and should know better than to lie. Especially when it gets me in trouble for no reason!" We told her that it might not be right, but what happened happened, and we will just move on. From now on SHE has to be responsible for putting on clean underwear everyday, and if she can't find any she needs to talk to Mommy. We also told her that we are going to teach her how to do some laundry just in case.
BM announced that her boyfriend of two years and father of her second child left her. Not exactly what happened.... She has been bringing one of her exes around the kids for about two months now, and has told her family that she is leaving her current man for her ex. Again, she has done this before; she cheated on my husband and left, and has cheated on every single boyfriend since (we know this because she moves from one house right into the next with the new guy, and we hear about it ahead of time through certain members of her family). She has told her current boyfriend that she just need some space, and wants to work things out, so he moved in with his parents for what he thinks is a "temporary separation." Meanwhile, the new guy is over at the house (that is paid for entirely by her boyfriend) every single day. It is obviously just a matter of time before the break-up becomes official to EVERYONE, and I am struggling with what we are going to tell my SD. We have already decided to say that it was a mutual decision, and that both Mommy and *John* tried really hard but decided that they were better off as friends.
What do we say when the ex moves back in?!?!?!?!?! Chances are it will be almost immediately, and we want my SD to know that this is VERY wrong, but aren't sure how to get that point across without saying negative things about her mother. She is already realizing what kind of person her BM is, but I want to make sure that she knows that this is NOT what you do in a relationship, EVER, especially when there are children involved!