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How do you let kids know whta their BM is doing is wrong, without speaking badly about them?

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

250

I NEVER speak badly about my SD's biomom in front of my SD, and often twist stories so that Mommy doesn't look so bad.

The only time I have sided against "Mommy" was when BM was smoking in front of my SD while seven months pregnant with her second child. My SD, who was six at the time, said to her mom that she saw on a commercial that it was harmful for the baby and for the mommy to smoke when you are pregnant, and mommy's shouldn't do that. My SD got scolded for her "attitude" and then was sent to her room. I told my SD that she shouldn't have gotten in trouble because she was only saying it because she loves her mommy and baby brother so much. I also explained that Mommy was probably just pretty embarrassed because quitting smoking is very hard, and she hasn't been able to.

Recently, my SD came home (we have custody thank god) from a weekend visit with her mom, with a rash all over her pelvic area. I asked her if she had been wearing clean undies everyday, and she said that all of her clothes were dirty, even the ones in the drawers, so she just kept pulling underwear out of the hamper. We have been through this MANY times before. BM does not do laundry and actually puts dirty clothes back in the drawer (she did this when my husband and her were still together; he would find clothes with spit up and urine in the dresser drawer all the time). We contacted BM and told her that my SD had been taking dirty underwear out of the hamper to wear, and that maybe she could "keep an eye on it" and make sure that she takes clean ones out of the dresser (we've tried all out confronting her, and she just lies and then blames my SD). At the next pick-up, her BM called my SD out in front of me and called her a liar for saying that she had no clean clothes. My SEVEN YEAR OLD stuck to her guns, and looked shocked at what was going on. When BM threatened her with a severe punishment, my SD went quiet and just said sorry. When she came home the next day, the first thing that she said was, "I did NOT lie, and I don't know why Mommy is saying that. I didn't want to get in trouble for something I didn't do!" My husband and I decided that we were going to sit her down and tell her we believed her. We again explained that, maybe mommy was embarrassed that she made a mistake, and didn't want to talk about it. Of course, my SD was furious and said, "She's an adult, and should know better than to lie. Especially when it gets me in trouble for no reason!" We told her that it might not be right, but what happened happened, and we will just move on. From now on SHE has to be responsible for putting on clean underwear everyday, and if she can't find any she needs to talk to Mommy. We also told her that we are going to teach her how to do some laundry just in case.

NOW....

BM announced that her boyfriend of two years and father of her second child left her. Not exactly what happened.... She has been bringing one of her exes around the kids for about two months now, and has told her family that she is leaving her current man for her ex. Again, she has done this before; she cheated on my husband and left, and has cheated on every single boyfriend since (we know this because she moves from one house right into the next with the new guy, and we hear about it ahead of time through certain members of her family). She has told her current boyfriend that she just need some space, and wants to work things out, so he moved in with his parents for what he thinks is a "temporary separation." Meanwhile, the new guy is over at the house (that is paid for entirely by her boyfriend) every single day. It is obviously just a matter of time before the break-up becomes official to EVERYONE, and I am struggling with what we are going to tell my SD. We have already decided to say that it was a mutual decision, and that both Mommy and *John* tried really hard but decided that they were better off as friends.

What do we say when the ex moves back in?!?!?!?!?! Chances are it will be almost immediately, and we want my SD to know that this is VERY wrong, but aren't sure how to get that point across without saying negative things about her mother. She is already realizing what kind of person her BM is, but I want to make sure that she knows that this is NOT what you do in a relationship, EVER, especially when there are children involved!

Any advice?

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Jessica - posted on 04/02/2009

250

Her BM asked us to be there when she told her. I give her credit for that because she knows my SD will need support and she has admitted that she isn't 100% sure what to say. I just wanted to be prepared because my SD tends to trust us ore with some of the tough questions. There have been many times where all I can say is, 'You'll have to ask Mommy that one, because I don't know." We would LOVE to only have day visits, as we don't know who is coming in and out of the house, but we have been told that unless my SD is being physically/sexually harmed, or something insane like that, we have no right to change the visitation schedule, as it is none of our business who her mother is in a relationship with. We have also been told that, even if the rashes are documented, she is old enough to start taking care of herself, and that it is not bad enough to change anything. Very unfortunate.

Heather - posted on 04/01/2009

I hate to say this, but I don't think that it's your place to tell your SD about the new or ex boyfriend. You can ask her what's up....see what she says.

I would be more inclined to talk about your SD's feelings about her mom's actions rather than have the judgement come from you and her father. She's old enough to feel one way or another, and it's perfectly ok for you to ask how she feels about mommy splitting up with her boyfriend, and to simply say that you don't know why.

If her mom is taking that poor care of her, (ie: clean clothes) then I would document everything. Take her to the doctors and have them document the rashes, and have the child tell them about the clean clothes or lack thereof.

If this woman is really more concerned about which boyfriend is going to pay her way next rather than her child, then perhaps your SD shouldn't be spending nights there at all, and should only be having day visits.....food for thought

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2009

I have always had a struggle with not saying anything bad about bm. She is living in different places all the time...has been kicked out of two stable living situations for not keeping up with them. She has an abusive boyfriend who lives with another woman. Oh yeah and the bm is older than us, so she should be more mature, right? Sometimes I really don't think it was worth it to get involved with this situation. And what is with these mothers who don't take care of their children and behave so badly!

Jessica - posted on 04/01/2009

250

Thanks to everyone. We actually have already been telling her "Everyone makes there own decisions, and even though that is not the choice I would have made, it is Mommy's right to choose for herself. Her choice is not necessarily wrong, it just isn't what we would choose." I was just a little worried that this was a round about way of talking "down" about her mother. It makes me feel better to know that most of you agree it's ok!

Christine - posted on 04/01/2009

109

My situation is almost identical to yours. My sd is 8 and just Monday (after her weekend visit with BM) she decided that she is finished going over there. Her mother was with a guy last march, moved out, got married over the summer, but that only lasted a month, and now she's living with another guy... She doesn't spend time with her, she punishes her for ridiculous things, and insults her intelligence by not realizing that at 8, a child knows right from wrong. At this point, my husband has made the decision that regardless of the court order, if my sd doesn't want to visit, he is not going to make her. Children are smart- smarter than we were when we were their age- and they are growing up way more quickly now-a-days... Especially when there is another example for them to compare situations to. In my home, there is one mom,one dad, and we all live happily together- at BM's house, it is obviously so different. It wasn't difficult for my sd to see the differences. It takes time for kids to be ready to separate though, and I'm sure that if the situation is weighing on your sd as it was mine, she will eventually decide what's best for herself- you don't have to do any work at all. Just keep on being a good influence, the positive mommy in her life, and in the end, what will be will be, but she will love you for you regardless of the relationship she shares with her bm. Roll with the punches- good luck!

Ashley - posted on 04/01/2009

211

Quoting Rebecca:

They both taught me to accept people as they are - and decide what was right for me. This has made me non-judgmental toward others, and has allowed me many friendships that may not have been if I had been a judgmental person. Everytime one of my parents did something that wasn't what would be expected or i was upset about something, both of these wonderful women responded with "I wouldn't do that, but everyone makes different choices". Generally, this would lead to what they would do, or how they would have acted in the same situation. Surprisingly simple, but , as I've grown I've known that it was surprisingly effective. It gave me the opportunity to see a different reaction, and develop my own choices. I use the same process with my bio-kids and their father, grandmothers, aunts, grandfathers, pretty much everyone. Good luck with your situation.....I'm sure it will all work out. Your SD sounds like she has a great, level head on her shoulders, and already knows right from wrong :)

My husband and I have always tried to set the best example that we can and let the kids "see it for themselves". Sounds like your SD is already "seeing it" at 7yrs old. My SD is 18 and is going through a rough time with her BM too. The difficult thing as the stepmom is trying to support the relationship between the SD and the BM while the child is so angry and frustrated. It is very easy to fall right down the hole of "I am right and she is wrong". But, that is not in the best interest of your SD. That said, when you can get past your own feelings of anger and frustration, it is simple to teach your SD acceptance and that's what I have turned to in order to try to help my SD through her feelings. Similar to Rebecca's comments above (which are great btw!)

Basically, your SD cannot change her mother's decisions. SD is right, her mother is an adult and is free to make whatever choices she likes.... and she has to live by the consequences of her decisions (just like your SD has to live by the consequences of her actions). I have tried to tell my SKs (SD in particular) that just because mom is making decisions that she might not agree with, that produce consequences that make her sad for her mom, it doesn't mean that mom doesn't love her or that my SD shouldn't love her mom. I try to tell her to always try to respond with love and understanding to every situation. Hate and discontent only breeds more hate and discontent.

In your situation, I wouldn't worry so much about being concerned that your SD doesn't know that what her mother is doing is wrong. She already knows that. You don't have to point that out. Just reinforce that by backing it with your own example in how you live your life and support her relationship with her mom. She needs that and it will strengthen her relationship with you.

Sandy - posted on 04/01/2009

What a difficult situation. I absolutely love love love Rebecca's advice. I would tell your SD that her mom is an adult and able to make her own decisions but that it is certainly not something that you would ever do, and then talk talk and more talk about what you think you would do in similar situations...don't direct anything toward her mom but instead address situations themselves and keep your lives of communications open and honest with your SD it already sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

Jamie - posted on 03/31/2009

1,488

I would seriously take her to court and get her on supervised visits. She is way to unstable with guys moving in a out and her moving around. How are you to know shes not moving in Chester the Molester? And not having clean underwear thats jsut nasty. I know you have physical custody but obviously there are heath issues here to be worried about.

Rebecca - posted on 03/31/2009

Hi Jessica.....I really feel for you (and your SD)...its always so difficult when lifestyles are so different. I am a bio mom of two older children (18 and 16), as well as a step mom of a great young lady (12). I am also a child of divorce. I had a step mother once who was amazing at balancing the different lifestyles and parenting styles of my bio mom and step dad and my dad and stepmom - her comments mimicked those of my grandmother - both of whom refused to "bad mouth" any of my parents. They both taught me to accept people as they are - and decide what was right for me. This has made me non-judgmental toward others, and has allowed me many friendships that may not have been if I had been a judgmental person. Everytime one of my parents did something that wasn't what would be expected or i was upset about something, both of these wonderful women responded with "I wouldn't do that, but everyone makes different choices". Generally, this would lead to what they would do, or how they would have acted in the same situation. Surprisingly simple, but , as I've grown I've known that it was surprisingly effective. It gave me the opportunity to see a different reaction, and develop my own choices. I use the same process with my bio-kids and their father, grandmothers, aunts, grandfathers, pretty much everyone. Good luck with your situation.....I'm sure it will all work out. Your SD sounds like she has a great, level head on her shoulders, and already knows right from wrong :)

Joanne - posted on 03/31/2009

Hi Jessica. My name is joanne. My husband and I have also made the stand of not saying anything bad about there mother to the clildren. Sometimes it is realy hard especialy when there mother fills there head ful of crap. But some times we just had to let the children make up there own decision about what mum or dad was doing and if they asked questions we answered them as honestley as we could. My stepdaughters are now 14 and 12, they were 7 and 9 when there father and I moved in together. It might be hard to do at the time and luckly our BM does not seem to be as bad as yours, but kids can decide what is right and what is wrong just try to lead by example it was the best way we could find to teach the girls the right way to handle a situation. We try or hardest to keep the peace between us and the BM and the girls realy do appresiate thisnow that they are older. Good luck with your situation I hope you can find some way to handle it.