How do you refer to your stepkids?

Renee - posted on 02/18/2010 ( 44 moms have responded )

19

7

2

I have been blessed with 3 wonderful boys. Two are biologically mine, one is my stepson. I have helped raise him for 10 years 50% of the time. When I refer to him, I call him my son, or one of my boys. He does not call me Mom, for fear of his Mother's VERY negative reaction. That's fine. He and I have no problems with that. Just wondering how you refer to your stepkids, and has it caused any problems?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Deborah - posted on 03/04/2010

34

11

3

I refer to my SK's as my kids. I always have, By calling them my step kids I feel its only giving them 50% of my love. I'm sure its differant for each person but that is how I feel. My husband and I are raising his kids the BM has supervised contact once a month, so I'm all they know as a mother. They have called me mom since after their dad and I got engaged. the BM is not happy they call me mom but my husband told he they made that choice they she wasnt taking it away from them. My daughters(SD) call me mommy and the BM "mother" they understand they have 2 mommys and they love it. our son doesnt understand it all yet since he was 2 months old when he was taken from him BM. He calls his BM mother just liket he girls do, but we figure he does hat to copy the girls.

[deleted account]

I have two biological children myself and I could never call my stepson "son". I only refer to him as my stepson, or as my son's brother. As they are quite close in age (stepson is 2 in July, its my twins 1st bday today), people often comment to me that it must be hard work with three sons so young, and I always say how the eldest is my stepson, but it would be no shame to me if he was my own. I think his mother has earned the right to have her child referred to as her son, no one elses.

Britany - posted on 02/21/2010

2

32

0

My scenario is almost identical to yours....Great to hear that I'm not the only one who does this...and that we're maybe even a little "normal". Whatever that means! I refer to my SS as my son, and if someone starts asking questions I just say, "I didn't give birth to him, but I love him and claim him as my own."...Which is the truth. :) He called me mom once...and I could tell it made him uncomfortable. I never want him to feel like I'm trying to replace her, or be her. You only have one mom.....no matter how I feel, she's still his "mom" and always will be. I'm just a "another mom" to him....and I think he sees it that way too.

Erika - posted on 02/19/2010

7

13

0

I also refer to my sd as my daughter. Even her bio mom refers to her as one of my kids. Not everyone takes that approach nor does every child feel that close. I think a lot has to depend on how the relationship started, age, time together, the exes, and if your husband forms a united front with you. She does not, however, refer to me as her mom, she calls me by my fist name. That part of being a step mom has not caused problems, but there have been plenty of other issues that have.

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2010

5

11

2

Renee;



It is really good that you have decided to not make an issue that your SS doesnt cal you mom. I refer to my SS as one of my boys, as well. I have an 11 y/o (SS) , a daughter (21 months) and a son (8 months). My SS calls me by my first name, on occassion, he has called me mom, but that was a few years ago when he was younger.



hope this helps

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

44 Comments

View replies by

Amber - posted on 03/12/2010

4

2

0

I have not ever thought about this issue. My step daughter is 3 years. I have been with her dad for a year. She calls me mom but she also calls daddy mom half the time. I tell everyone that she is mine because everyone seems to assume that she belongs to me. I also have a 2 year old boy who's biological dad is not around so he calls my new man his daddy.

Beth - posted on 03/06/2010

13

24

0

I refer to both of my stepsons as "my son". The youngest one has called me "mom" on occassion, but usually just calls me "Mrs. ". The oldest one who is now 19yrs old also calls me that. I have been in their lives going on 4 years, married to their dad going on 3 years. I figure it isn't my place to tell them what they should or shouldn't call me. If they want to ever call me "mom" that will be their choice when they feel ready to. I don't really ever expect the oldest to call me "Mom" because he is older and I don't expect the youngest one to call me "Mom" because of the very negative attitude his BM has about me. She blames me for my husband winning custody of the youngest and has told him he is never allowed to call me "Mom". So I don't expect it. But to me, they are still my "sons". My husband and I don't have any kids of our own (yet), but I feel like I love them just as I would love one of my own.

Kellie - posted on 03/05/2010

47

68

2

I refer to my step daughters as my bonus kids. I don't call them my daughters in front of them because they are very close with their own mommy and I highly respect her. We were at a baseball game over the summer and my own daughters were with my ex-husband. I was walking with my eldest bonus daughter and someone referred to her as my daughter. I don't make a big deal out if it. I just go with the flow.

Keya - posted on 03/05/2010

13

31

1

when my dad remarried my little bro who was seven at the time did not want to betray his mother and my Dad and Stepmom let him come up with a name he could call her.. a respectful nick name or mom, or teacher or another name in a different language may help... I too have step kids and I gave them nick names one in particular never calls me Mom but oneday when I sat outside of school waiting for her to come out...one of her friends came up to my car and said "Are you mimi's mom she told me to tell you she'll be out in 5 minutes... so whether she says it or not that's how she thinks of me

Amy - posted on 03/05/2010

76

29

8

I have 3 kids my oldest son is my step son and he 8. my daughter is 8 they are 21days apart. My youngest is 16 mos. by law my husband is the father of all 3 kid. no matter what he is yours. you can in-steel good morals in him I don't be-leave in step anything. as a child when you are from a divorced family you are blessed with 2 moms and 2 dads if they both remarry. It has taken me a long time to realize this. Before I married my husband I want to the ex and told her all I know how to do is be a mom not a step-mom she told me to be a mom to our son as I would be to my daughter and it has worked out very well. don't get me wrong we are 2 different moms and have had our far share of heated talks.sorry for the rambling

Kathy - posted on 03/05/2010

5

0

0

I have 4 kids, 3 step. Been married to their dad for almost 12 years. Oldest is 21, middle is almost 19, youngest 15 1/2. Mine is 19. I refer to them all as my children and pretty much have since day 1 - I don't want to separate "Oh, this is my son, and these are my step children" - it automatically insinuates a difference in how I see and relate to them. I went & still go to all their activities/functions - I've told them when I married their dad, I knew they were part of the 'package' and I consider them my kids. With the exception of spanking when they were younger (I handled mine, he handled his), the discipline was the same. My son fits in between his 2 older boys, age-wise, so they've pretty much grown up together (I have had to explain from time to time how I have a 19-year-old and a 18 1/2-year-old, since they're 5 months apart). SC call me by my first name, which I don't mind.

Stefanie - posted on 03/04/2010

29

9

1

My daughter and stepdaugher are 6mos apart (3 and 3 1/2). I usually say my girls, but explain that we are a blended family when asked about their ages. If I am referring to her alone, I say step or bonus. She did call me mama sometimes, but I think that her mom drilled it into her that I am not her mom. She only calls me te-te now (she can't pronounce Stefanie. I have only been in her life for 10 months and married to her dad for 5, so it hasn't been that long. My daughter calls my husband daddy and Paul, her father passed away, so he is daddy for all intents and purposes which adds a little confusion to the little ones minds.

Bridgette - posted on 03/04/2010

3

38

0

I simply say WE have four children or refer to them as OUR kids. I have 2 ss and 2 bio. My oldest two have been with me full time since they were 2 and 4 (they are now 13 and 16). They call me mom and the bio by her first name except when talking her when she came back in the picture 2 years ago.

Heidi - posted on 03/03/2010

1,347

130

174

I have 2 biological boys and one stepson, but when I refer to my family I have always said I have 3 boys. I am proud to be a mother of 3 boys!!! My stepson has always called me by my first name, but when he introduces me to friends and coworkers he says "this is my mom" makes me proud that he can consider me a mother figure!

Karen - posted on 02/26/2010

36

27

3

I have one stepson and one stepdaughter. I do not have any biological children. I have been with my husband now for 3 years and married for almost 8 months. I refer to my stepchildren and my kids. I do not refer to them as my stepchildren. Our son lives with us and our daughter lives with her birth mom. They do have the same bio mom. However, she is a horrible horrible person. She willingly gave her son to my husband and said that he can keep him full time. She sees our son every other weekend. My son is 8 years old and he does not have any nice things to say about his bio mom. He calls me mom. Our daughter calls me mom when she is with us too. We see her every other weekend. I do not understand how a mom can choose between her two kids and keep one and give the other to the father. How do you make a choice like that? My son refers to her by her first name. He never calls her mom. I am sure he calls her mom while he is with her 4 days out of every month. He even told me the other day that he hopes she dies before he has kids. Poor boy. It breaks my heart that he hates his biological mother and the pain she puts him through. She recently tried to get full custody of our son. The Motion was denied by the Judge. Our boy stays with us.

Tamara - posted on 02/25/2010

8

5

0

I refer to my SD as "my girls" ...when I came into the picture they were 9 and 6...They are now 19 and 16, and though they don't necessarily agree with it sometimes, they don't argue. As the BM was also a SM for years, she understands falling in love with your SK. I explained how I felt about the girls to her years ago, and in the last 5 years, she and I have had no real problems. When asked I tell everyone I have 5 kids. She has even stepped back in the last few years, and now is letting me plan and throw a baby shower for one of girls, who is expecting in April! C and M are "my girls"...the BM calls them "our girls" when referring to them with me and or their father around. I am blessed with this situation we are in now, as for the first five years we had some horrible moments (mainly "my girls" trying to play both ends against the middle).

Rachael - posted on 02/25/2010

26

50

2

I have to step daughters one is 3 and the other is 7 and I have 2 from a previous marriage 11yr boy and 7yr old girl and then we have one of our own that is 8months and its been 2yrs now my children dont see there own father I have sole cust and he has no visitation my son always calls my husband dave and my daughter calls him both dave and dad and when his girls come over for the 4days we have them they call me both Rachael and mom and I just accept whatever they want for my kids do the same they go back and forth and our baby says mom and dad with no problems so far best of luck to you it will work itself out

User - posted on 02/24/2010

6

19

0

I also have 3 boys...one technically a stepson. I call him my son. He has been since he was two and has not heard from his mother since about a year after I met my husband. He is 8 now and our other boys are 4 and 2. He recently found out that I am NOT his biological mom and was told he could call me what he likes, but he still calls me Mom. ♥

Stacie - posted on 02/24/2010

5

10

1

my 7 yr old step daughter has told me she is not my daughter so i call her my sd.

Marion - posted on 02/23/2010

16

9

2

In our house we call all 5 of our kids our daughters. The only time that changes is if people want to know more, or in legal matters. We have 5 girls, I gave birth to three and husband came with the other two. They are ages 18,17,16,14,13. So we get the look of shock when we say the ages and many people say "boy you two have been busy". lol The 14 and 16 year old are my husbands and they call me mom or mom marion. My older two daughters have a step mom and they call both of us mom, but we have asked them that when talking to others to try and say mom marion or mom renee so others can get the picture. My youngest has always called my husband Dad.

Ashley - posted on 02/23/2010

216

25

32

I have two step-kids and one bio-kid. I often refer to them as a group as my "kids" but, in most circumstances I call the step-kids my step-daughter and step-son. The kids are with us nearly full time (well, one is in college now) and I think it reinforces their relationship with their BM. Regardless of the "SM feelings", ALL kids desperately need some semblance of a relationship with BOTH of their bio-parents in order to grow up healthy and balanced. They call me by my first name, which I encourage as well.

All that said, the kids see me as "another mom". I have been there for them when they needed a mom the most and their BM couldn't be there. And, this is my house. My husband and I run it together. As such, I am "the mom" in this house. Recently, their BM has started joking about "both mom's ganging up on them" :) So, we all see eye to eye.

Interestingly, I've been reading the comments about babies and how people feel about the new bio-kid being born into the blended family and being "confused" as to what to call mom. My bio-daughter is 3 years old. She sees BM regularly at drop offs and pick ups. She has sat with her at baseball games and school events. She went through a very brief period of confusion about 6 months ago when she actually articulated that my SS had "two mommies". She has occasionally called me by my first name. It bothered me initially but now I know that she does it mostly to get attention, so I just correct her and not make a big deal about it. Kids, even little ones, can understand the dynamics of a blended family. Give them more credit :)

IMO, this type of thing only causes problems in your blended family if you get overly sensitive about it and focus on your own feelings and not what is healthy for the kids...

Sandra - posted on 02/23/2010

31

30

4

My step sons were older-14 and 17-when I married their Dad. They were my first children. I call them my sons because to me, calling them my step-sons implies some sort of disownership. They call me a number of names, all sweet. Mostly, tho, by my first name with a Miss in front. My youngest ss has called my Mom a time or two, but I don't insist. I have worried at times that my calling them my sons would offend them because I am not their "real" mom, but as far as I can tell it's never bothered them. Maybe it makes them feel as good as one of them calling me Mom makes me feel. I might add that they lived with us, so I was doing all the Mom stuff for them which made them more mine in my eyes.

Heather - posted on 02/23/2010

58

25

7

When I say we have 4 kids, 1 mine, 1 his, and 2 ours. My SD lives with her mom 90% of the time. She has asked if she could call me mom, and I told her I didn't think it would be fair to her mother to call me that. I would be very hurt if my daughter called her stepmother "Mom", but she doesn't see her father.

Amber-lee - posted on 02/23/2010

18

18

2

i call my SD my daughter i am not aware of any reaction from her mother so i continue to do so. i am proud to call her my daughter even though she is not biologically mine. you should also be proud :)

Brittanie - posted on 02/22/2010

179

11

26

I call her my daughter and she calls me Brittanie, or Mommy to her brothers - she has called me Mom a handful of times but I think she's more comfortable with Brittanie. Her Mom would not approve of anything else and it's okay with me!

Belinda - posted on 02/22/2010

4

26

0

I know how you feel. I too am blessed with with four beautiful kids: two biological and two step. When I married my husband, I was afforded the opportunity to develop a good relationship with my stepson. I did not birth him but he was mine. Last year, we found out that my husband had a daughter. When we meet her, she was just as easy to love as my stepson.
So to answer your question, my husband and I have four kids. Two are my husbnad's height (bio mom was tall) and two are my height. We are a family...100%

Bonnie - posted on 02/22/2010

33

6

2

I call my step-daughter my daughter, especially when ppl say she looks like me out in public. She is only 20 months, so she calls me Mama, because thats what daddy calls me. I plan on telling her when she gets older that she can call me whatever she wants, and she should never fear what her mother is going to say

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2010

91

18

3

lena, if your baby grows up in a home with you other shildren calling you momma lena and baby calling you mum then that is what they will think is normal. My 22 month old calls me mum and she knows that my stp daughter calls me sarah and she just assumes its normal. if its what they grow up knowing than its not going to make any differance to thm or how they feel as its always been like that. kids are very adapable and babies even more so. I cant see it being a problem for you but good luck with getting pregnant and having your own family!

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2010

91

18

3

I simply tell people that my partner and I have 3 girls. its very true as one is his, one is mine (but calls him dad as hers isnt around-thank god) and one is ours. his daughter calls me by my first name as her mum probly wouldnt allow otherwise but thats fine with me. If paople want to know and ask questions I tell them thats shes my step daughter but I treat her as my own because I love her as if she was. The only problem Ive ecer had was an elderly lady at the super market who told me that she should either call me mum or mrs hollamby as a mark of respect, I just told her that I asked my step daughter to call me by my first name and that she respected me what ever she called me.

Natalie - posted on 02/22/2010

31

30

1

I let them choice whatever makes them comfortable!!! I was introduced to them by my name and they call me by my name. About a yr ago my ss wanted to call me mom i said thats fine you can if you want, and my sd got upset and said we have a mom call her step mom. I told her i never wanted to try nor will i ever take there mom place, but i feel he should call me what he wants. For one if i have a baby and it calls me mom do you think its fair i don't allow your brother to, he will feel i love him less. I told her she can call me whatever she wants.. Now shes been calling me mom and he back to calling me by my name.. Kids got to figure it out by themselves!!!

Lena - posted on 02/22/2010

12

43

0

I have four wonderful children. Sorry, I've never referred to them as "step" so I won't start here. They had decided to call me "Momma Lena" while they were with us over the summer. They thought of this on their own. I'm okay with them calling me whatever they feel comfortable with. Although I haven't been a step-mother for very long. I told them that I wanted to treat them as if they were my children. I asked if it would be okay if I treated them the way their mom does with them, as if they too were my sons and daughters. They are okay with this. I haven't had any problems with my kids, just the adults on their mother's side who are persistantly saying I am not their mom by any means.

My husband and I are trying to have a child of our own and I am concerned with this new child that they may end up referring to me what the other four call me. I think it would be easier, and I like for them to, if they just called me mom. How would I make the new child understand that I'm not their real mom? That their brothers and sisters don't call me mom or stay with us. Most of those will be easy to answer, except I haven't found a good enough explanation to explain why their brothers and sisters don't call me mom.

Any suggestions?

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

1

32

0

I have 2 stepsons and one of them calls be by my name for the very same reason as yours, the other one does both. I have raised both of them since they were 5 and 7 and now they are 16 and 18. I usually say they are my stepsons, but it depends on the situation.

Nicole - posted on 02/21/2010

41

26

4

It kind of depends...I do not have any biological children. When my husband and I are talking, we both refer to the kids as "our kids." Close family members refer to them as my kids or "you and Jason's kids." I generally call them my sons and daughter to people that I know. I'm only technical when I need to be. For example, I just turned 22 (today actually) and my daughter will be 8 in April. So that is strange for people when they ask how old my kids are. Most of the time they look shocked enough when I say I have three. But I get that weird look when I say the oldest is 7. I don't care if they look at me that way though.

Vanessa - posted on 02/21/2010

754

31

134

I refer to my sd as my daughter - unless its around ppl who know the biomum too (as that just makes things awkward!) she calls me mum 99% of the time. This grates on bio-mums nerves!
My son calls his sd daddy - and his biodad is very happy with this - he was good enough to say - "nope, I don't have a problem with it - Brad is the dad figure in the household so it's only normal"

[deleted account]

I have 2 ss's and 2 biokids. When I am talking to others I refer to all the children as 'my kids', mainly because when the boys were little they didnt like having to explain that I was their stepmother and also b/c i dont like them to feel that I have less love for them than my biokids. Their mother doesnt like this but interestingly, she recently became a stepmother and apparently it's good enough for her to call her ss her own. My sk's have never called me mom b/c I'm not their mom and despite my personal feelings it would be disrespectful to their mother, although they have over the yrs asked to call me mom. When my daughter was old enough to talk, b/c the boys call me by my 1st name she began doing it too which I didnt like, I think I have earned the right to be called mummy by my own children. So we came up with another name for them to call me, which their mother doesnt like either, but it was never going to be a permanent thing, just til my daughter was old enough to get the logistics of our family. My daughter is now old enough to understand that they are not my biokids so we told they they can call me by my name but they have chosen to keep using the other name that we chose.

Mika - posted on 02/19/2010

30

12

3

ive been a SM for 8yrs,we have issues with their BM. we have custody of both my step-kids.they have always called me by my first name and that is fine with me.if we are ever questions on what i am to them it just has to do with the situation that we are in....mostly im considered the "bonus" mom.

Julie - posted on 02/19/2010

19

27

1

I always say WE have 3 wonderful kids but I can only take credit for the last two. I have a 16 year old stepson and have been with my husband since he was 2. I have never played "mommy" to my stepson and that is not to say I don't have thoughts and opinions regarding him, but as a step daughter myself I know there is a delicate balance to maintain between stepchildren and stepparents.

Petra - posted on 02/19/2010

533

16

22

I refer to mine as my stepson - he is only with us 4 days out of the month due to long travel times and his mother does not speak to us at all about these things. I figure he already has a mom, and he loves her very much, so there is no need for me to try to fill that role for him.

[deleted account]

I call my oldset (my sd) mine. I feel that if you don't already know, then why do I have to tell you ALL about my family and our genetic dynamics? I don't feel I have to. So, I just introduce her as one of mine and I get many raised eyebrows (I am 23 and she is 7, so a lot of people think I had her when I was 16, but I really don't care what they think), but everyone accepts it. I guess it helps that she does actually look a lot like me (our hair is pretty much exactly the same color) and she calls me "mom" (we have her 90% of the time, so she really feels I am mom and her bm is her "other mom").

[deleted account]

I have a long story, but to make it short, in the beginning when BM was kinda still around, I would refer to my daughter as my stepdaughter, but after she hadn't seen my daughter for a few months and now it's almost a year, I began calling her my daughter... In certain situations, she is my stepdaughter, but 95% of the time, she is my daughter... and within the next year or so, when my fiancee and I get married I will be adopting her and she will be my daughter legally :)

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2010

5

11

2

through experience, a SS or SD may not continue to call their SM "MOM" But I have not been in my SS life for as long as you have been in your SD life.

Tootie - posted on 02/18/2010

118

42

3

My SD was my daughter b4 I had my own kids and i've allways referd to her as my daughter, never a question, for 12 yrs, she'll be 3 this yr. She's ALLWAYS called me momma from day 1 and I didn't stop it. For a Brief period in time she called me by my name but when back to momma. and tats just how it's allways been. I have 2 daughters of my own, 4 and 1 and those are her sisters and i'm mom.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms