How old is too old for a daughter and her mom to sleep together?

Elizabeth - posted on 11/27/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My SD's BM is visiting and even though we have a guest room and SD has her own room, she has been sleeping with her mom since her mom got here. My SD is 12 and 1/2 and I just don't think it is appropriate. I can understand if they were on vacation or if there was company and there wasn't room but there is no reason for it. My husband already had a discussion with her mom at the beginning of the year when SD was living with her and was sleeping with her mom because SD's bed was covered with clothes. My husband told SD's mom that it was inappropriate then and to be honest it makes me uncomfortable. Any thoughts?

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I can see your point, my youngest SS is 12 and lives with us and is quite clearly going through some changes in life and is no longer physically a little boy. But by the same token- as long as there is no clear abuse going on- I dont think there's anything wrong with it. Another sugesstion is what if she sleeps on a mattress int he room with her mom? My SS's were only little when hubby and I moved in together and wanted to sleep in our bed (as they were allowed to at BM's place) but for various reasons including fear of compalints being made against me I wasnt comfortable with that, so the boys were allowed to OCCASSIONALLY bring their mattresses into our room and sleep in the same room but not bed as us.

Sherri - posted on 11/30/2010

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Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it, but I think it all comes down to your opinion. BM is in your home and should respect your feelings on the matter. Based on the fact that BM is staying with you and your hubby, my best guess is that BM doesn't live in the area and mother/daughter quality time is at a minimum. If that's the case, it's most likely simply about spending as much time as possible with her BM. If BM isn't very steady and pops in and out of your SD's life, then it's probably a case of "if I'm here, she can't just bolt without me knowing". I think the reasoning for the sleeping arrangement is probably in the circumstances and relationship between your SD and BM. if you think there's something shady going on, I'd put a stop to it. If not, I'd advise that you look at all of the possible reasons behind it and see if you can maybe find a solution.

Hope that helps.

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Alison - posted on 12/07/2010

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I see nothing wrong with it. I would sleep with my mom when my dad went out of town on business even into my late teens! Some kids just need that extra bonding time and if she doesn't see her BM on a regular basis that need would be even more.

Blessing - posted on 12/06/2010

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as long as your SD doesnt mind i dont think its wrong im 20 years old and every now and then i sleep with mum.

Kimi - posted on 11/28/2010

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Nope. Nothing wrong with it. Every now and then growing up I would end up in my parent's bed, especially as a teenager and young adult whenever I was sick or upset about something. It made me feel better.

Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2010

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It's not inappropriate in m eyes.
The bond I feel with my son and daughter is awesome and we still will sleep together and we all love it.
It strengthens the bond already there and my son says it reminds him of when he was a baby and snuggled in with me all the time! When my first husband left and my son was about 4 yrs old, he slept with me fulltime for about a year. There's nothing inappropriate or sexual about it --- just closeness between a mother and child - in my mind that's the way things should be!

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You said SD's BM is just visiting? Does she live really far away? How often does your SD see her BM?

I would think, that if your SD doesn't see her BM she would want to spend as much time as possible with her, and yes that inculdes at night. I know it's weird with her age, but I can see where your SD is coming from because my oldest daughter's (my SD) BM also lives far away and when they see each other (2-3 times a year - tops) they sleep in the same bed the majority of the time. My daughter is only 8 right now, and it KILLS me that she is so forgiving of her BM for all she does (or should I say all she DOESN"T do), but at the same time I understand the need for closeness with someone you love, but can't be around for long periods of time.

Now, if this goes on into puberty, then it may be akward (and I don't know if your SD has hit puberty - I do remember 12 1/2 as an akward stage...), but I think maybe you guys need to talk to your SD about this at the same time that you talk to the BM. And don't word it in a negative manner. Just say something like "Your'e a big girl now - almost a young woman - and maybe it's time you sleep in your own bed." That may even open it all up for discussion to tell you guys WHY she wants to sleep in the same bed as her BM. It never hurts to listen and work from there :)

Good luck!

p.s. Good for you guys for letting the BM stay with you! For your sake, I hope it's a good relationship, because we let our daughter's BM stay with us twice and after that I REFUSE to let her stay in our house any more! My situation is complicated, but I do have to give you kudos for doing this small thing for your SD.

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