How to comfort step children and have positive discussion?

Sheila - posted on 01/24/2010

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. I have a 21 yr old, he has a 16 yr old, and we have a 4 yr old together. My husband has custody of his son who rarely sees his BM (her choice), even though she lives close. We have had some major battles in the past, but things are getting much better. I have refused to say anything negative about the BM if my stepson is even in the house. That will always be his mother, and he will always have a connection with her and feel protective towards her. Because of this, he has realized that the negative is all coming from her, and has decided his place of security is here and that he is loved. We are now beginning to develop a relationship, and is pulling away from his mother. I have always let him know I did not marry his dad to make his life hell, but to give him someone else that loves him. All of this advice given is awesome!! Just hang in there and make sure the girls know that you care about them, not about the drama from their mama.

Bobbie - posted on 01/23/2010

Thank you!!!! I agree so much! I think a lot of the advice would make a huge difference in our home!!!

Mandie - posted on 01/23/2010

I just wanted to say what good advice everyone has given you (and indirectly me) and it's refreshing to see this problem is not only mine and that you all have the same feelings about it. There's some really constructive stuff in here girls, thank you very much xoxoxo

Bobbie - posted on 01/23/2010

Yes it is evidence for my husband when we have a very repetitive conversation about guidelines for behavior in our home! It really helps when it comes from a third party source, not someone we know, not a close friend or relative, it proves what I've been saying to him all along and what it comes down to is me being the built in baby sitter and him being spineless to stand up to his ex afraid that a lawyer and court battle will be expensive! I understand his emotions there but I'm always ending up being the one being jabbed by the ex and kids. Thank you for the letter, it will definitely help next time we have, "The Fight!!" Thank you much!!! Bobbie

Candice - posted on 01/22/2010

Wow! Didn't realize how much of a novel I wrote. Hope it helps anyway!

Candice - posted on 01/22/2010

I've been a step mom for 8 years now, to a 12 and 14 year old. My husband and I also have three children together. My step children live with us for one week, and then with their mother for the next. We have gone through some of the same things as you described. The worst being that the 12 year old is very loyal to his mother, no matter what she has done or continues to do. Their mother said negative things about us quite often, and drove my step son into counseling. After a year, we are finally done with his therapy for now, and some of the most helpful things that we learned were:



What happens at her house stays at her house, what happens at our house stays at our house. We don't repeat what is said, the kids aren't allowed to repeat things the other parent says, don't talk about what happens in the other house, etc. If the child tries to bring anything up, the response is always "that needs to stay at your moms house, we aren't going to discuss it here."



The biological parents do not speak about the other family to the children. All communication goes directly between the biological parents.



The biological parents do not speak to each other unless in an emergency. All other communication should take place using e-mail, text messaging, or letters. This helps to keep emotion out of it, and is great evidence if it should be needed in court later.



Respect for each other is not an option. If the child is disrespectful or disobediant, they go directly to their room for 1 hour. No media, just reading and quiet time to think about it. No yelling or screaming, that is just the expected consequence. If they are ready to be a respectful part of the family after an hour, they may rejoin the family. My step son spent hours in his room the first few days, just testing us to see if we would really follow through. When he realized that we would, he learned very quickly to be respectful. His room got pretty boring.



Follow through! Very important. They need bounderies, and they must know what the expectations are and what happens when they don't follow them. They need to know where their place in the family is. Your house needs to be the stable place for them. They have chaos in their mothers house, and as soon as they realize that your house is stable, and know what your expectations are, they will enjoy being there much more.



Their father needs to be the parent, not you. I know if you are the parent home with them the most, as I am, it's really hard to do. But what I have done if they act up, is just say "ok, we need our detox time. Please go to your room for an hour. Your father can discuss this with you further when he gets home." This was a really hard one for me to swallow. I always tried to be the disciplinarian so that my husband could have fun time with the kids. I'm a stay at home mom, and he works until six, so I didn't know how well this would work. But it really has. But for it to work, your husband will have to really take up the role as the parent for them.



These changes that we made have worked wonders in our family. My step son still adores his mother, but the drama in our house is almost completely gone. I know now that I cannot expect to be on the same level with them as their mother is, but really I wouldn't want to. Their mother is not someone I would want to be, she's looney. I just want to be the stable female role model in their life that they can come to when they need someone, who has taken care of them and loved them even though I didn't birth them. You really need to talk to your husband, and make him step up to take the pressure off you. The kids will never respect you if your husband doesn't respect you enough to make them. Hope this helps.

Rebecca - posted on 01/22/2010

Time sister, Just give his daughter time. When is old enough to seperate her mother's thoughts from her own she will.

Brandy - posted on 01/21/2010

Wow, you gave us a lot of information! I'll try to cover what I can! First of all - let me just say that I am currently 29 years old and my husband is 46. My stepchildren are 15 and 17. We've been together for 10 years and married for 5 and a half. Been there, done that and here are a few things I've learned:

1) Kids are loyal to their parents. Until a relationship is firmly established they will ALWAYS choose their parents over you. Don't be angry and don't make a big deal over it, doing so will only widen the gap. Children love their parents - they want to make them happy - and they fear losing their love. Don't try to put yourself in the middle of that.

2) You deserve respect. Not only is it your job to demand that - it is your Hubby's job as well. The old rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" works best. Enforce it. Don't ALLOW them to degrade you, it doesn't matter if it is what they think or what their mother thinks - it can't be said. It's hard for him too, don't get me wrong, he probably doesn't want them to think he is choosing you over them - but a child shouldn't be disrespectful to ANY adult and as a parent, it's his job to teach them that lesson.

3) It's okay to be mad. It's okay to step back. There was a time that I felt as though I was being treated horribly by my stepkids. Hubby wasn't doing anything about it. I was angry and hurt. I chose to step aside. When the kids were there, I stepped out of the box. I didn't cook, clean up after them, take them places or buy them things. Actions have consequences - everyone, hubby included, has to learn that lesson. As stepmoms, we are often overlooked and imagined to be emotionless creatures. There are ways to show how unappreciated we are without complaining!

4) The Ex. Your husband needs to remove her from everything he isn't COURT ORDERED to include her in. The phone plan included. He has to set limits. Not just with her directly, but with the girls too. His relationship with their mom should NEVER be discussed with the girls aside from, "I won't discuss this with you." If he doesn't stand up to her, it will never work.

5) Be you! Let the girls know you care, but don't force yourself to feel like you have to "Love" them. It's a process. Just as you fell in love with your husband, you either will or won't fall in love with them, and them with you. Parents (for the most part) have a bond with their children from the moment they are born. Stepparents don't have that automatic bond. It's a process. Just as you learn to love any other stranger. Don't force it. As long as you aren't treating them poorly, don't feel guilty!

And lastly, COMMUNICATION! You have to communicate your feelings to your husband, GENTLY. Try not to sound accusing or jealous. Try to be logical and honest. Ask him what he thinks - what he'd like to see five years down the road and what he is willing to do to make it better. Work together. The girls need to see how much he loves you and you love him if you ever hope to give them any security!

Good luck and feel free to message me anytime!

Susan - posted on 01/21/2010

First of all, please know that I feel what their mother is doing to them is wrong. COMPLETELY wrong. You should never use your children like that. I also think it's wrong that your husband A) never told her about you (because they DO have children together) and B) um, why is she on the phone plan at all? Aren't they divorced? Maybe I missed something.

Second of all, you are more than likely never going to get her "approval" since it is obvious you are younger than she is, and she doesn't seem to be over her ex. (your hubby)

As harsh as this may sound, it's not about you. Imagine how the kids feel being used like this. They are confused, and troubled because they are at an age where they can make decisions on their own whether they like someone or not, and then they love their mother so much, they don't want to disappoint her. As kids (and even as adults) we are ALWAYS trying to get our parents' approval and to feel loved by them. If the kids act like they don't like you, their mother won't be upset. When they are with you, and acting out, they are only doing what they think their mother wants them to do. It has nothing to do with you. (mostly) They are confused, because they DO enjoy being with you and hanging out with you, which is great, and honestly, at some point they WILL figure it out. The best thing you can do (and hardest) is to be patient with them, and honestly, just ignore the mother.

Remember that they are CHILDREN. Whatever they say, they don't really truly understand that what they say is hurtful. Anytime they try to relay a message from their mother, have your husband tell them that he will discuss it with her only. If there is a message, he will get it from her directly. He needs to tell them he will not discuss his relationship with their mother with them, and that it is ok to tell their mother to stop discussing it with them. He needs to tell them that they need to stop relaying messages, period. (not in those words, but you know what I mean)

It's probably hard when the oldest child laughs at you when you are trying to explain things to her, especially when all you probably want to do is smack her. (not that you ever would, but believe me, it's nice to visualize sometimes) However, maybe you can try to tell her that it hurts your feelings when she talks to you like that. You haven't done anything to her, and would appreciate her not treating you like that. Then walk away. If she says anything, don't listen to her, since she is most likely trying to get your goat. Do not blame it on her mother, or father, or anyone. Make her see what her words are doing. (even though it comes from her mother) Maybe you can get through to her that way.

I am sorry this is so hard. I think I would have to scream a LOT or maybe take up drinking. :) You just can't let it drive a wedge between you and your husband. Then she wins. You don't want that. You are giving her way too much power over your relationship.

Bobbie - posted on 01/21/2010

Thank you! I really appreciate!

Connie - posted on 01/21/2010

You aren't going to get your point across by anything you SAY. That can only be done by your actions. But no matter what you DO...if you engage her mother with negativity and disapproval, you are going to lose ground. I've gone through this very thing. I grew to love my step-children and had a very close relationship with both of them. That is no longer the case w/ my step-daughter and I believe it is because of our sour relationship with her BM. In the end, it doesn't matter if you are right. It doesn't matter what the BM does. It only matters what you can do and what your husband does. Don't fight. That is the WRONG thing to do. It will get you nowhere. Women like that don't change, no matter what you do. What she is doing is clearly wrong, but it's simply just the way it is. You can't fix it. You can't change it. You can't make it better. You just have to learn to work with what you've got. I know that's bad news, but step-moms get jipped and that's a fact. Just one more reason for families to try to stay together! There is a "step-mom prayer" floating around in this group somewhere. Find it, you may find it helpful. Good luck to you. Stay strong. Stay happy!