How to handle the relationship the bio-father and bio-mother have

Arielle - posted on 06/22/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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my boyfriend and i have been together for only 9 months and i am 8 months pregnant. to say that things happend really fast is an understatement! but it has been so incredibly amazing that i know that it was meant to be! we are sO happy together and super in love! ... however ... he has 3 kids of his own 9, 7, and 11/2. technically i knew this going into our 'relationship' but getting pregnant in a month and becoming a step mom all at once wasn't something i was ready to deal with. i guess i felt i'm not ready to be a mom let alone a step mom. now i am very happy! super excited and i love his kids! and thank god they love me too! its all happened so fast! but now its like i tell him i want him to have a good relationship with his ex he needs that for the kids sake! but they text EVERYDAY all day! like 6 messages a piece! and half the time its not even about the kids its her asking him about random things or nothing at all! and it makes me feel so disrespected! i know he would never cheat on me and that he absolutely doesn't have those feelings for her anymore and he tells me all the time that he loves me and it bothers him that bothers me so much ... guess just need suggestions or opinions on the situation! please help need to know if i read to far into this or if my argument has validity

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Di - posted on 06/25/2009

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Been there, done that. For some reason this seems to be a common thing. If they can get on so friendly then why aren't they still together? It seems that the idea that Mum and Dad get on is being mistakenly bandied about as Mum and Dad need to be friends and taken to an extreme that I don't believe is healthy for anyone involved, especially the kids. Mum and Dad need to be civil. No more no less. Chat about the kids, no more no less. What Mum is doing isn't any of Dad's business and vice versa. The women seem to encourage it in the name of the kids. But the truth is that they cant let go. Its only through good counselling that my husband was able to get the boundaries right. The marriage comes first. This intimate relationship that the ex and your husband are sharing is a direct attack on your relationship. You have a right to have that exclusively. And like everyone else when my husband suddenly cut contact back to what concerns the kids only, my bm got bitter too. So if you get him to see how he is damaging your relationship with this behaviour, better get yourself a good set of armour. The knives will come out.

Francesca - posted on 06/23/2009

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this was the same thing which happened with my husbands ex. although she did want him back, and she tried very hard to get him, she would hug him and he would back when they saw each other, i was so angry and at first he couldn't see why, but i sat him down and explained why and didnt like what he was doing and how it made me feel. it all got better for us when he ralised what he was doing, but got worse because she wasn't winning.

my advice, sit him down and talk, talking and being open is the best thing you can do. i can see how it is annoying you. you seem in love and im sure he will respect you enough when he knows how you feel.goodluck.

Betty - posted on 06/22/2009

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Just tell him to cut back a bit. If he is on good terms with his ex than that's a great thing for the kids. He should'nt ignore her texts as long as they aren't inapropriate. I think it's weird that they are still friends like that but it is what it is. This would make me super uneasy and your husband needs to respect your feelings.

Denise - posted on 06/22/2009

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I would just keep a close eye on things. If he very loves you that he should only take about the kids. Anything else is none of her business anymore. Stand your ground and stay strong. GOOD LUCK

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Brandy - posted on 07/08/2009

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Guys can be naive. My husband was the same way and I didn't allow it. I felt that his ex still wanted him and then when I finally had our first child she threatened to kill herself. I was right. Trust your gut.

Arielle - posted on 06/26/2009

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Quoting Tamara:

My husband has two children and we go through the same thing. Either he is fighting with their mothers or it seems they are too buddy-buddy. Its a hard line to set, but tell him how you feel, that the only communication that needs to be done is regarding the children, at least for now. Have you tried to befriend the ex? I've tried and it didnt go anywhere, but I dont get upset when she sends messages to my husband. The most important thing is for him to remain open with you and not to feel like he has to hide the communications. I dont think theres a right answer or any answer to this, but I can tell you that having them on good terms is much much better than having them on bad terms. Good luck, and if you find something that works for you, please share! =]



you're right the most important thing is for the two of them to be on good terms! i completely agree, and yes me and her have shared a few moments together where we've tried to befriend one another but i regret it ... well it didn't go the way i thought it would have. she is currently living with and in a relationship with biofathers best friend! and the time that we talked to one another (he wasn't present) you know i was trying really hard to sympathisize with her and wish her well in her new relationship and that i understood how hard it is breaking up with your long term boyfriend and stuff like that you know stuff women  all understand! and in return she gave me a very dull or dark hope for the future that we would have (bio father and i) by saying things like oh yeah mike is very needy and affectionate but after the baby comes he become very jealous of the attention focused on them or as quickly as he becomes attached to you is as quickly as he becomes detatched! and just stuff like that so i don't even know if us being friends or whatever is the best idea either .... i am just so unbelievebly confused on how to handle the situation right now we've talked about it! and it makes me feel better when we talk about it but at the same time i just feel like its going to be a never ending battle and one i fear i'll lose and just end up putting up with or settling on :(            all of the input has been very much appreciated!! thank you all so much for the support!!!

Tamara - posted on 06/26/2009

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My husband has two children and we go through the same thing. Either he is fighting with their mothers or it seems they are too buddy-buddy. Its a hard line to set, but tell him how you feel, that the only communication that needs to be done is regarding the children, at least for now. Have you tried to befriend the ex? I've tried and it didnt go anywhere, but I dont get upset when she sends messages to my husband. The most important thing is for him to remain open with you and not to feel like he has to hide the communications. I dont think theres a right answer or any answer to this, but I can tell you that having them on good terms is much much better than having them on bad terms. Good luck, and if you find something that works for you, please share! =]

Rhonda - posted on 06/24/2009

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Sounds alot like my situation, My hubby and I have been married for 4 years now with two kids together and dated a year before that. Everything was ok betwen BM and my hubby before we got married and I asked that he focus on his marrage and not the issue of the day with BM. Now mind you I had no problem with him talking with her if the issue was the kids, they are his kids and he needs to know what is going on...But he was hearing about the problems she was having with her new hubby and so on. It was so out of hand. Once he put his foot down It turned ugly. to say the least. Now it is all put on me and she trys to make me the bad person in every way shape and form. But I am strong enough to handle it as long as I know he is by my side. We had to put some boundry on the phone calls. He can talk to her only if it is about the kids. If it turns to anything about her he hangs up, which dose upset her alot but he has warned her. As of now she has gotten better with keeping it about the kids.

Hope everything works out. GOOD LUCK

Francesca - posted on 06/24/2009

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i would also say be warned!!! not nice thing but once the texts stop and he puts his foot down everything changes. the bittness comes out of the ex.

has he tried not replying to the annoying stuff??

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BM obviously still has feelings for your boyfriend and hasn't let go yet. Definitely sit down with him and explain how it makes you feel. Even say to him that what if the roles were reversed and your ex was texting you random stuff 5-6 times a day and you were texting him back, how would that make him feel? You can even throw in what if you and your ex had three kids and this was happening. Men are sometimes slow and need to visualize 'what if' situations! Lol! I know it works with my hubby. And in my opinion, if the texts have nothing to do with the kids then maybe just ask him not to respond to them. She probably thinks he still cares about her and may even secretly hope he'll leave you and come back to her, after all she has three of his kids. BM will only continue this behavior unless HE stops it. But be careful because she may not like his rejection and try to use the kids as a pawn, as BM my way did when hubby stopped a romantic relationship with her. Now we are fighting her to have any kind of relationship with SD.

Arielle - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Francesca:

this was the same thing which happened with my husbands ex. although she did want him back, and she tried very hard to get him, she would hug him and he would back when they saw each other, i was so angry and at first he couldn't see why, but i sat him down and explained why and didnt like what he was doing and how it made me feel. it all got better for us when he ralised what he was doing, but got worse because she wasn't winning.
my advice, sit him down and talk, talking and being open is the best thing you can do. i can see how it is annoying you. you seem in love and im sure he will respect you enough when he knows how you feel.goodluck.



It sounds like you know exactly what i am going through. and you are right talking about it does really help bc we have talked about and he is really understanding and its like if i'm around he doesn't do it, but its just so weird for me bc i am not a jealous person but never in my life have been forced to deal with an ex! and i just really don't know how to not let it bother me so much! bc your right the whole hugging thing (which i've never seen but it could still happen) and just the constant communication about nothing. his whole argument is that he doesn't care one way or another if they talk everyday but if thats what she wants and thats whats going to continue her sending him pics and videos and updates on his children then hes willing to put up with what he calls the annoying "do you remember our principals name?" type conversations that they have. but for me i can't stand it! do you have any further advice?

Arielle - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Francesca:

this was the same thing which happened with my husbands ex. although she did want him back, and she tried very hard to get him, she would hug him and he would back when they saw each other, i was so angry and at first he couldn't see why, but i sat him down and explained why and didnt like what he was doing and how it made me feel. it all got better for us when he ralised what he was doing, but got worse because she wasn't winning.
my advice, sit him down and talk, talking and being open is the best thing you can do. i can see how it is annoying you. you seem in love and im sure he will respect you enough when he knows how you feel.goodluck.



It sounds like you know exactly what i am going through. and you are right talking about it does really help bc we have talked about and he is really understanding and its like if i'm around he doesn't do it, but its just so weird for me bc i am not a jealous person but never in my life have been forced to deal with an ex! and i just really don't know how to not let it bother me so much! bc your right the whole hugging thing (which i've never seen but it could still happen) and just the constant communication about nothing. his whole argument is that he doesn't care one way or another if they talk everyday but if thats what she wants and thats whats going to continue her sending him pics and videos and updates on his children then hes willing to put up with what he calls the annoying "do you remember our principals name?" type conversations that they have. but for me i can't stand it! do you have any further advice?

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