I feel cheated by my husbands EX sometimes...how should I feel

Keya - posted on 12/12/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My step daughter is my bio daughter to me. She has lived with my husband and I since she was two. He had her before we got married. I have a son who was one. Now the kids are 6 and 7. I have planned every B-day party, got her into ballet, a private school, I do her hair each night, i have stayed up with her when she's sick, . Mom doesn't live in the same state as us anymore but even when she did she rarely picked her daughter up, My step daughter calls me Momma when she was 5 she started to ask about BM and wonder why Mom never came or called.



It hurt my heart to see her feel rejected. My hub and I packed up the car at spring break and drove her and Mom other kids 8 hours out of state to see her... I think that may have been a mistake... she came back a little Sassy, " She would say I wish I lived with My momma when she got scolded for something or my other Mom doesn't punish me." Moms been in town 3 times since then she spends lots of cash (even though she never seems to have money to help us with any dental bills or school tuition or even back to school supplies), she buys polish and lip gloss they eat out, or go to a movie, and drops her off) We are left with a little monster who cries for Mom when ever she gets in trouble and withraws from me and will only hug/kiss or deal with my husband and be mean to our son. She will scream or cry if he even touches something Mom bought... Then my daughter will be the little girl we are raising and 3 months later Mom will call again or just show up and my SD school from out of town w/o warning and the cycle continues. She did this again just this week after we hadn't heard from her since August, Though I had a party planned for her B-day, she requested my SD and my husband felt my SD should go because it could be months before his EX surfaces again sooo I cancelled everything and for the first time in 5 years I am not there for my daughters b-day. I'm sad, I'm annoyed and I sometimes hate that I signed on to having my heart ripped out when ever this lady decides to show up. She and I have sat down before come up with arrangements we can all live with but she never keeps her word there are always an unforseen circumstance.. Am I wrong to feel this way,? We planned to spend Xmas in orlando this year because my SD never got to go the last time because Mom insisted on taking her to a family reunion, now after she drops her off this time we will have this naughty little girl on vacation who will talk about nothing but what she did with Mom and how she wishes she could be with her... My husband seems to think we should let my SD stay with her and she will see all that stuff her Mom ususally does can't happen on a daily basis..

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Melissa - posted on 12/13/2009

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Its hard for your SD. She knows in some way that shes missing out on something, with her bm being so part time, or even only in her life on an on call basis. I would suggest therapy for your SD. Because as she grows and goes into her teen yrs, its going to be more difficult for her to digest exactly how shes feeling. Some of the attitude you are getting from her sounds as if its her way of striking out and expressing her love for her bm, yet her dissapointment. And possibly in her mind shes thinking the grass is greener on the other side. You sound like a very good SM. I think you will do what you need to do in order to arm you SD with the tools for her to chew through her own emotions. Keep in mind if she starts striking out towards you, chances are its cuz she knows how great you are, but doesnt understand why her own bm doesnt act the same way. She may also feel if she distances herself from you that maybe she will get more bm time..There are just so many things that go through a childs head...and they all may not be accurate, but they are as the child sees them. PS..sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to let the child learn the truth about situations on their own, and just be ready for the fall out. Maybe you could bennefit from some counciling on the matter too. So youll be ready.

Betty - posted on 12/12/2009

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It sounds like SD needs more visits with BM. This seems like a normal response for a child in her situation. Try taking her to therapy if you can so a professional can discuss her behavior problems with her. I know it must be hard for you and you feel like SD if more your child than BM's. Just hang in there. My SD's BM has started doing alot of fun things with SD that we can no longer afford to do with her. I'm a bit jellos that we don't have as much time and means to do as many fun things but all that really matters is that SD is happy.

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Whitney - posted on 12/12/2009

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I disagree. I do not think this is because she wants to see her mom more. I think she is trying to make you and your husband feel guilty and spoil her like her BM does. I have a 4 yr old SS and is used to getting everything he wants. EVERYTHING! When he is at my house, and he wants something and I tell him no, he starts about how he wants his momma, grammy, ect. He has told me he gets everything he wants, and "ill die if I don't get it." "I just want to be happy." Blah blah blah. When she starts her rants, just don't pay it any attention. She will soon realize where your boundaries are. Good luck!

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