I feel like my step son's bio!!! But she throws a fit!!!

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Ok so i posted part of this as a response and realized that I needed advice so anything is welcome. My case: When my husband and I first got together my step son didn't do his home work, screamed at people because he had no respect because he was never taught it ( which is just as much my husbands fault as his mothers), was to shy to do anything, told his father what to do, and back talked. When I started dating his father we had a huge talk about how I would not allow any child of mine, step or bio, to act like this. It honestly was a wake up call for someone from the outside to say something. My SS now says yes sir no sir please and thank you, his grades are all 96% and above, is involved in football, basketball, soon to be tennis, boyscouts, and church two times a week...and he loves it and it has made him blossom. He is such an out going child now. His mom when we told her that he was doing sports told us she wouldn't only let him play on her weekends if we came and got him and brought him back because her husband wanted nothing to do with us and knew that we would be there. She has told my husband mutiple times that I have no right to have anything to do with her son, yet she never does anything with him. I (not my husband, not his mom) go to parent teacher conferences, meet your teacher, I help with boyscouts. I'm am actually baking 12 dozen cookies right now for the PTO bake sale and volunteering four hours of my saturday to help run it. I eat lunch with him every friday, every week he has a note in his school folder from me telling him how proud I am and how much he has grown up. The nurse calls me before she calls his mom or dad because HE asks them to. When something is wrong he waits till his dad leaves for work and crawls up on my lap and cries and talks to me. I take him out of school occasionally and we have a stepson - stepmom day and hang out and catch a movie and lunch (his pick). He called me mom for the longest time but his bio told him that I would get mad and leave so he got scared and quit. But she says I am the bad person and I have no right to discipline him or have anything to do with him. It is somehow my fault when she doesn't know about things. I used to text her and send letters to her house on her weekends but she got ticked off one time and said she would no longer "deal" with me. Why is it that I am so involved and get the $hit end of the stick? I tried really hard to get along with her but al she does is cause problems. His mom does everything she can to split us up. She calls the bio her daughter and the bio currently lives with her(we don't speak to his mother), which causes problems not only because of the obvious, but it confuses my step son. She has had at least 10 live in boyfriends since my husband and I met. She was married in July of last year and divorced by October. My stepson wasn't allowed to say good bye to his stepdad (She had us come get him) and he has cried mutiple times about it. She is a good person (i guess, she'll do anything for anyone no matter how it effects her son)just a very crappy mother. He knows that I love him like my own(my husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old and we treat them the same according to their ages) I don't have a problem with him it's his mom. We keep a journal but it's really nothing that we can take her to court over it's just things to annoy us. Guess I'm just looking for support and if anyone has anything to say.

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Shell - posted on 06/23/2012

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There is so much I could say... We just recently ended a custody battle. Got joint but not physical. The BM moved an hour away or I think we may have gotten that. She is a horrible mother that the court noted lacked "empathy and sympathy". She is EXTREMELY selfish. When she heard that we wanted joint legal and physical her immediate response was "they just don't want to pay me child support". OK it never occurred that we might want more than 8 days a month with the child. Anyway I tried being friends too and am just sick and tired of getting kicked in the teeth... everything is on her terms or we can't get any xtra time with the child. I guess I'm just venting and I'm SOOOO angry. And the hubby doesn't like talking about it so I have nobody to vent to. The saddest part is... the child is so detached from his own BM... he doesn't miss her or run and hug her or ask to call her or give her a hug or kiss when we do the drop (unless she makes him)... IT's been like that since he was 2 years old. So to sum up Heather.... keep doing what you're doing. That is all we can do. Just be very glad and proud of yourself that YOU are making such a HUGE difference in that childs life. He is very lucky to have you. It's something they won't truly appreciate (comprehend) until they are like 20 =) but they will. So much. Keep up the great work. Thanks for letting me vent.

Laurie - posted on 06/13/2012

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i know how you feel about the whole crappy bio i deal with one and the same except with a much more limited communications. its hard to watch her ruin her relationship with her son, working on just your side of things i would say just keep telling him you love him and reinforce that relationship (and the one with his dad) and tell him that he can call you what ever he wants to be it mom, heather, or any variation, my 3yr ss calls me mama laurie occasionally mommy but hes 3 and still unsure of himself. if you really are interested in the family counseling i would say that your first step would be to find a counselor or psychologist who specializes in mixed families and go on your own for a bit then bring it up to your husband and then the bio, if she doesn't want to go and you feel that it would help your ss then talk to a lawyer about what you can do legally and you could possibly get court ordered sessions (if she doesn't comply then she goes to jail) but i would save this as the last resort, start with asking and remind her that her/your son is unhappy and in order for him to be raised happy and healthy the two homes have to be in harmony or there has to be only one home.

Nikki - posted on 05/29/2012

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It sounds like you are doing everything right just having to deal with a crazy ex! Hopefully she will grow up and see that you are only doing what is best for the child involved.

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You are doing a wonderful job as a step-mom! Not many are like you! And I like what Heather said above me, "if it irks her then it's just bonus points. :)"!!!!

Heather - posted on 02/18/2009

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I think that as step-moms we all have similar situations. It's hard to parent anyone else's child but especially hard when we want so badly for there to be a positive and loving outcome. Your SS needs to know that he has a stable foundation in you. Obviously he's not getting it from her. Cherish the relationship that you do have with him and if it irks her then it's just bonus points. :)

Heather - posted on 02/06/2009

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Oh yeah love him dearly but he is a people pleaser and lets people walk all over him. I've even caught myself taking advantage of him. His motto is if it's not physically hurting anyone then don't start a war. I finally got him to get over this with his mother because it was ending our relationship. I just wish he would do this for his son instead of us.

Megan - posted on 02/06/2009

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It sounds like you would probably not be able to get her to go.  Can you get your husband to put his foot down with her so that she only has him for the court appointed times-whatever that is-every weekend? Every other weekend? It seems like your husband could maybe step up a little with reinforcing the visitation?

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Ok I didn't exactly make what I was saying clear sorry guys. I meant have you been able to actually get everyone to go to counseling? I don't even think we could get her to go. And i know if we did she would demand that we pay the entire bill. My husband and her were court ordered to take divorce parenting workshops during their custody battle and she didn't even do that. My husband made a stupid promise when A was born that they would never take my step son away from each other. While I really admire and love my husband for being a man of his word, I do think that she should have very limited visitations because of the way she parents. She refuses to go by the court order. He is supposed to be home by 9 on the nights she has him because she doesn't make him go to bed on time. During the summer we let her have him for 4-5 days at a time. He comes home in the same clothes he went in not washed, and hasn't taken a shower the entire time. I finally had to go buy a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash because she wouldn't buy him one. We found out that he hadn't had this stuff at her house in over two years. We had to get a court order for her to not be able to take him out of state because she threatened to move to New Orleans a month after Katrina hit because her newest fling had a daughter there and they didn't like her not seeing her father most of the time. (you know because then it would be taking my step sone away from his father but she did't care about that.) That was a long story to explain my worry about even getting her to go to counseling!! lol

Sandy - posted on 02/05/2009

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Anything...even counceling...that brings parents together so children can have everyone in their lives who care about them in a healthy way is worth trying!

Dawn - posted on 02/05/2009

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I tried to include ALL adults in counseling - but was shot down quickly.




I think its a great idea.  As a step and bio mom, I would be willing to do whatever I could to help the strained relationships.  Not everyone thinks like that.

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Has anyone tried counseling with the bios and the steps? I have heard of this but wondered if it really had any hold to it? At this point (and I feel bad about this) I don't know if I would rather she stay like she is, become a mom ( I would feel like she would be overstepping my bounds since I have been doing this for so long), or just disappear all together. Any thoughts?

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heather, you sound like an amazing women/mother. Dealing with ex's is a very hard task. Just remember that little boy will grow into a great young man because of the help and support you give him.

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Thank you everyone I really appreciate the support!! Megan don't you just love that about the kids? He always talks about what God wants him to do and what would upset God. Until things went sour, the bio mom let us have him on her sundays so that he could go to church with us. Then, after she was angry with us, she text us and I quote, "I will have plans every Sunday from now on so you can't Have A____ anymore" She is just crazy and I don't no what to do with her anymore.

Debbie - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heather, You would have to be the ideal Step mum!!! Well done sounds like you have done an awesome job and it's taken alot of time and energy on your part....

The bio parents of your SS should bow down to you and kiss the ground you walk on for caring so much about thier child and doing all that you have done!!!! He obviously knows who loves him!!!! YOU

Megan - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heather - Sounds like you are doing a great job!  I almost could have written your post word for word, except that I do "get along" with the ex-wife and she would prefer to communicate with me over my husband. 



It sounds to me like your husband's ex-wife is jealous of you.  Would he be able to talk to her about it & ask her to grow up?  It is not right of her to say anything negative about you to her son-she really needs to think of him and put him first, not her green emotions.  



It made me smile that you SS said that Hooter's isn't a place he'd like to go because God wouldn't like it.  I've had my step-son's mother complain to me that they were in the emergency room one time and Cops was on TV and he asked her to have the channel turned because the show is inappropriate for kids (they were in a pediatric ER).  It made me feel great to hear that!

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2009

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your step-son is very lucky to have you as a step-mom.  And your his mother should be so thankful that you love him like he is your own.  I can somewhat relate to you and your situation. I have a very close relationship with my step-son and I think it bothered his mother how close we were. But she is the type of women is more self-fish and her son does not always come first. I have always tired to make my SS apart of our lives. She has custody of him (in the courts eye) but it really is a joint situaiton, we have him 4-5 times during the week.  I get along with his mother, but we have had our fights because she thought I was crossing the line on how much I would do for him... I did the same thing a wrote a journal of all the times she would pawn him off on other people, wouldnt pick him up from school when he was sick, etc. but it's not going to make any difference.  Just go on a love you SS, and Freak her... in the end he will remember all you have done for him...

Sandy - posted on 02/05/2009

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Sometimes....adults could learn alot from kids...they look at things far differently then we do thank god

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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My husband does deal with her for the most part because she refuses to talk to me. But when my husband is at work and something comes up I will text her(she ignores my calls and i send the text mutiple times to get her to answer) because whether she likes it or not we do have to communicate at least occasionally when my husband isn't around. I jusat don't get the whole hating each other thing. Although I have been nice to here and even tried to be her friend through her break ups (we had lunch together I PAID lol and helped her find a new place to live) I don't think we could ever get to that point again because of the things she has done. Sure I would love for communication to be opened again. She always ignores our calls but if we don't answer hers she call over and over until we do. She goes from man to man and just drags my step son through it. Like I said she was just divorced in the end of october/ beginning of November and by the end of November they were staying the night at her new boyfriends house (who happens to be old enough to be her dad) He has three kids himself and all four of them share a room that is about 10 x 10. They told my step son that for his birthday they were taking him to Hooters because thats what the boyfriend does for his three sons. My step son is only 9 and his response made me soooo proud. He told them that Hooters isn't a place he would like to go because God wouldn't like it and it would make his father and I sad!!! Got to love the kids!! He is nine years old and wise beyond his age. He just can't handle the things that go on emotionally

Dawn - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heather, what you have done for that child is just beautiful. 



You should not be unappreciated by his bio mom.  None of us should (but it seems we all are).  She sounds like a real winner.  One thing you will have to remember is that SHE not you, is the one with the problems.  I don't know if its insecurity, jealously, anger or just plain mental illness - but she has the issue NOT YOU. As hard as it is, you just have to ignore her and keep doing what you're doing.  Does the Dad deal with her ?  He should. 



I've been thru some of the same crap with my huband's BM.  Making an effort for the sake of the child and getting "spit in the face".   Sadly, for our situation, she doesn't give my husband a chance to have any involvement in the kid's life.  At least in your situation, her laziness as a mom is only benifitting your SS.



Chin up.  You're an amazing mom doing wonderful and amazing things for this child.  Ignore that woman as much as you can.  You have found your place.  You really should be so proud of what you have done.

Sandy - posted on 02/04/2009

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I know exactly how you feel.  I have taken over the role of day to day mom for my SD.  Her mom as come right out and told me that she does not like being a full time mom.  She has 3 daughters ranging in age from 13 ( my step daughter ) to 21 and has not raised any of them.  She has complained in the past she is not allowed to be a mom to her youngest daughter and that we stop her or get in the way ( despite our invites to school functions and other activities ).  She has not taken her daughter to the doctor, dentist, or any other appointment since I came into the picture.  If she thinks the child needs anything health wise she tells her to make sure to get on our case about it instead of doing anything herself.  She never calls the schools, gets involved in extra curricular activities, or seeks any kind of input on her own as to how my SD is doing or what she is involved in.  Both the bio mom and my spouse leave it all up to me because I am a stay at home mom and because I want that role.  The bio mom and my spouse cannot get along well enough for even a normal conversation and her hate for us stops her from pursuing a relationship for her daughter because that would mean she would have to see us, talk to us on the phone, make plans through us, etc.



I am the one over the past 3 years that has continuously tried to make sure that my SD and her mom get to see each other and have a relationship, but she continues to blame me things I have no part of and has even made up terrible lies about me that she tells people and intends to tell my SD when she thinks she is " old enough to know the truth ".



She even has herself believing that I was seeing her husband before they split and thats what broke them up ( I didn't even know him when they were together ).  She is a compulsive liar and believes everything she says and spreads the lies to others.



There is so much more I could type for hours.  Anyway...you are not alone : ) Its almost enough to make someone crazy but I am learning to be strong in my convictions and confident in myself as a parent.  This shall not break me!! lol



 

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