I love my step daughter but...

Sue - posted on 12/06/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

Hi

Can anybody help please. My step daughter has just gone 13, she is a lovely girl who is no trouble. She works hard at school and is good at ours so whats my problem hey I wish I knew!!

We have had pretty much shared care with her mum but officially she lives with her , my h pays maintenance and ever since they split we have always provided for her whilst in our care. (her mum never sent her with any clothes, nappys etc) we have treated her like our own, but only helped if things were not done ie waited for her mum to take her to dentist, cut her nails things like that. We do talk to her mum but never really say what gets us annoyed and I think its the same with her, she doesn't want to do any thing to upset her Mike, my h!! (they never married she just decided she wanted a baby they wern't together very long)

We have had some ups and downs but really things have gone ok when I look back. So can anyone please tell me while I feel so used, like I said we do most things for her I don't understa her mum she does care but it only seems like when she wants. the recent example should do.

SD bday was on a Fri her masked if she could come to us for the whole of the w'nd so she could decorate her room for her b'd. we agreed and organised for our family to come up for a tea, we organised a bowling party for her friends on the sat. then on the weekend before when I was picking her and her sister up (not my hubbies) to stay for the day so she could go xmas shopping! she told me my sd was going for fish and chips with her great auntie who she hardly ever sees for the xmas light switch on but not with her mum. We could hardly believe it, any way sd did after a big argument she did come to us and we had a great weekend but did she do her room no, why??? she got her two cds and a clock for her bedroom, now I know it isn't howmuch you spend but her mum said she couldnt gives us anything towards her party cos she wanted to do her room!!! We pay her money but also have to pay for things like parties, if she organsied it but said she needed help then fine but she didn't organise anything for her and then didnt do her room. They don't have a great relationship , it has been discussed that she lives with us , god it has been said loads of times even in front of SD! but when it comes down to it she wont let her come! I have never tried to be a mum just there when she needs it. But I can't do it any more I have to switch on and off the mum feelings when it suits her. Her other daughter has had a birthday party for the last 3 yrs, but she doesn't get any money from her ex for it why give to one and not the other?? i do think she is closer to her than my sd, so why not let her go. I do believ they would have a better relationship.

So anyway my sd has told her mum she wants to live with us but doesnot want to hurt her mum which I do understand she is her mum after all. But she doesn't treat her right, we do! why wont she just stand up to her mum and tell her the truth. It is easier for her to just leave things as they are!!! but I am now feeling used everything I have done has not been appreciated and not just buying her toys parties, but cutting her fringe when its in her eyes dealing with the bugs she had in her hair, things the natural mum the parent with care should be doing.

All I can say to explain is I feel used, I feel uncomfortable in a room with her and I don't like it this is going to ruin the relationship we did have.
Please help!