I need advice... My ex believes that it is better to keep the two "lives" seperate...

Megan - posted on 07/21/2009

I don't understand why you can't go to meet the teacher night. Or go to the kids events? You don't need permission from the principal to do this. Just go. Look on the website for the event dates. I'm sorry, am I not understanding something?

Barbara - posted on 07/21/2009

I live about 40 minutes from their school, and I am currently in college myself. It makes it very difficult to arrange for transportation back and forth to school at the moment. My ex has stated that if I were to move back into the county then we could go back to 50/50 custody, and a week to week arrangement could work. But that is impossible right now, not to mention the reason I left the town was because his family made it impossible for me to be there (it's a VERY small town, and rumors began to fly the day we sepparated). I have gone to the school counselor and the principal as well, and they told me that "for legal reasons" they could not help me, and that I would have to get my information through him. I've never heard of such a thing, esp since there is no court order, or anything in the court papers stating that I could not have access. The children have been begging me and their father to come and live here, and he doesn't even give them a straight answer. It's always "We'll talk about it later", but later never comes. They are getting frustrated with his "indecision", and I have to tell them to just hang in there. I know it won't be much longer and they will have the legal right to make the decision themselves, but they don't understand. For financial reasons court is out of the question. We don't have the money to hire a lawyer to fight our case. I have talked to him about the information issue time and time again. Sometimes we come to an arrangement, that lasts about a month, others I get the same answer the kids do "We'll talk about it". I'm just at my witts end here. And it doesn't help matters any that my husband has 2 ex-wives of his own, and children with them. So we have it coming from all directions. I'm sooooo lost right now.

Tami - posted on 07/20/2009

How far away do you live from him? Would it be feesible for you to be able to take kids to school as well if the opportunity presented itself? When the kids were about 9, we decided to go week to week with our 50/50 custody. This has been the best arrangement ever! It gives each parent the opportunity to be involved in the everyday tasks such as homework, sports, etc... We plan vacations on our week, and family functions, etc.... it gives each parent equal time and is great. I have heard that some courts frown upon this because they want the kids to have one place they call home, but really, at your kids ages, it works great! They want to be able to be a part of mom and dad still. As far as the school though, you might want to talk to someone, maybe the principal, because I do not think that they can withhold info from you - you are their mother as well as legal guardian, and unless your ex has paperwork that states he has sole custody, they are in the wrong. You can fill out a new emergency card and list you as an alternate and sign up to get emails of grades and upcoming events, etc.. That is what we do so that nobody drops the ball. You have every RIGHT to attend events as much as your ex does. He is doing things all wrong and ultimately it is the children that are suffering. That is what he seems to be forgetting. And as far as his parents.... well, they need to but out and let you have the role that you are entitled too. I understand that he lives with them(that says a lot...hmmm) but they still need to respect that their grandchildren have a mother also! I don't know if you can go to the court and ask for a mediator, and talk to them, see what rights you have and how you can change things. Obviously it can't hurt anymore than it does right now. Good Luck!

Amy - posted on 07/20/2009

maybe it time to take him back in to court and get the kids home with you maybe if the shoe on the other foot maybe he will think how he treat you

Georgia - posted on 07/20/2009

It may be time to make some custody changes.... you can ask the court to order him to notify you of these things. I don't know how your children are suppose to keep lives seperate because you and your ex are their lives. Sounds really unfair to the kids. Wish divorce parents would always put their children's needs first, this would solve all these problems without any thought at all. Hang in there!!!!

Megan - posted on 07/20/2009

Oftentimes schools don't want to be involved in the business of divorce. Yes, you must make the school website a "favorite" and check it frequently. Upcoming schoolwide events, carnivals, spelling bees are anounced on the site. Parent Teacher conference dates are also listed, as are when report cards come out. If he isn't going to work with you then I think you just start showing up. Make sure you go to Meet the Teacher night that happens at the beginning of the year. So you can, yes, meet the teacher. At this event you get a lot of info. about how the class will be run. Emergency contact paperwork is often also filled out at this time. One year my husband got the contact sheet for his sons and not only was he not listed as a contact for his children but there were people listed who he had never heard of.



Meet the Teacher is also the night you sign up for PTA and start making contacts about how to be a classroom mom. If your schedule is flexible at all, I highly advise this. If you can be a part of the school, without involving the ex, then good. If he refuses to work with you then whoops, he made a bad decision. Noone, no judge would ever begrudge you your right to be a part of your child's education. This way you will be able to make friends with teacher and keep up with what the kids are learning when.



My husband always brings self addressed stamped envelopes to every parent teacher conference. The teachers have NEVER used these to send a newsletter, copy of the report card. Nothing. I make him do it every year though. So, he is making the effort.



Basically, I think that if you have joint custody then you can do this.

Linda - posted on 07/20/2009

Is there any way of arranging directly with school a copy of school reports /email the school newsletter etc-most schools seem to have websites too which are handy in situations like this. Just stay positive and as long as your children know you care and are interested .in their lives when they aren't in your care that will show through. Good luck and best wishes.

Di - posted on 07/20/2009

Hi Barbara. Not trying to be flippant but welcome to our world. The only recognition my husband gets from his daughters school is that it is ok for him to pay the bills. He is not informed about anything at all to do with their education. He doesn't get to see reports etc and has no idea apart from what the girls tell us what is happening. Same goes for doctors etc. My husbands brother is a dentist and has always looked after the girls teeth but suddenly they are going to a school dentist and never has he been asked for his permission. As far as the homework goes, maybe try doing some of it with them over the weekend. Thats what we used to do before with one of my sd's who was failing reading. No help was ever given at home. Your ex isn't doing the right thing by the children. I truly believe the adults lives should be kept seperate, but as far as kids go they should have 24/7 access to both parents. If you are willing to do homework over the phone then granny should butt out. He needs to grow up and get thicker skin. What is he going to do when they have one off occasions? As to what you can do about it, I don't think there is any answer except thru legal channels. If you wish to pursue this, then expect him to stretch it all to the limit. What we choose to do is keep communications as open as possible with the kids so that you might get told after the event but that you are still kept in the loop. The school issues we let go of and even finding out after the event, we still get angry at some things but don't show that to the girls. Its totally frustrating and if we could change it we would but the only way to do that would be legally and if we chose that path, the bm would become as vindictive as all get out. The kids would suffer and she still wouldn't pass on information anyway. Sometimes you just have to look at what you have instead of wishing for the impossible. At least you get your kids every weekend, our bm moved 1000km away so we only get to see ours every 10 weeks now. I hope I have helped, even if its that I understand how shitty a situation that your in. :-)

Manda - posted on 07/19/2009

Stay Strong, and talk to him, even if it takes going back to court as a last resort, the courts will tell him you have a right to know about your children's education, doctors, functions, etc because those are common baselines like I said that are essential for your children and both parties should be informed no matter what. (unless there is a restraining order etc, which they try to accommodate to but it doesn't sound like you in this case)

Manda - posted on 07/19/2009

I understand what boat you are on, my husband and I are going through the same thing. We are unaware of important events and she is still to small to call and tell us, dial a phone,etc. We don't know about doctors appts until she gets sick and we tell BM and shes like "o yea she went to the doctors for that."



There is a difference of keeping lives separate and total exclusion when it comes to that. You can keep your lives separate and still attend graduations, recitals, school functions etc. That is you just being apart of your kids lives in things that are IMPORTANT to them. The important things that they remember and they want EVERYONE who they love to be there. I am still trying to get to that step currently. It is completely ridiculous you have to miss half their childhood and activities. You sound sensible enough to know when you are stepping the line of "seperate lives" which means that you wouldnt just randomly show up there and help them with their homework.



If they aren't getting homework help, that is an essential thing they need to learn, let alone falling asleep in class, that should concern you. This is your children's lives, these are children you care about and they deserve to have a good life despite the unfortunate situation of you being separated. They deserve to have a good education and don't deserve to suffer because your ex is being selfish and trying to tell you helping with homework over the phone, or even in your own home is in their best interest. Getting is done is in their best interest and if no one is there to help them but you, he can go to hell as far as I'm concerned.





There is no "seperate lives" when it comes to big issues like school, doctors. You both love the children you both should be informed. You both should help them grow because you are on a common baseline with it he just wants him to be the only helper/provider/attendee. Which is extremely selfish and I would talk to him about it. It's not right its not like you are talking to the kids about random issues in your personal life which would be "keeping it seperate." I mean that's used at your discretion when you have your kids.



Hope this helps a little. I tried