i need help

Alex - posted on 02/26/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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i need help i need to know that it gets better.

i have 2 step daughters 7 and 9yrs old, their mother hates me , yells out at me in the street calling me a sl*t and b***h even if we are at the school for the kids, she makes up lies and tells the kids tat we dont love them and we love our son more, she constantly threatens my husband with the kids telling him she wants more money or she will take them away, it breaks his heart and i just dont know what to do. the kids come over every second weekend and will only listen to their dad not me cause their mother has told them that they dont have to listen to me PLEASE HELP TELL ME IT GETS BETTER....

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Alex - posted on 02/27/2009

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Hi Marilyn, no we dont have a court oder whe have to go through this mediation first then if nothing comes of it we go to court then.

Marilyn - posted on 02/27/2009

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Hi Alex - had the same problem with the not listening - but - my husband sat his son down (7) and taught him about respect and told him he had to listen to both of us while he is in our home. Is there a court order? We have it in the court order that no sides are to make remarks about the other parents (she still does it). But now she is being charged with contempt of court for this reason and a lot of other reasons. Start documenting everything - we have also had to call the police - it took five times plus it being placed in the court order for her not to call and harass us or threaten. She went from losing sole custody to joint custody last year and my husband represented himself. We are now going to court for sole custody. But your husband has to do most of the stopping with the threats and name calling and take control - call her bluff - she has to take him to court for more money and its based on his income. WHERE DO THESE WOMEN COME FROM!!!!

Angela - posted on 02/27/2009

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Listen to me, those kids know whats true and whats not! They know she's a crazy-B#@*! Just get tough, be loving and calm but do not allow any slack in their behavior. My stepdaughter 2 years old yells at her mother,whines, cries while she's on the phone but she doesn't do that here because she knows that there will be consequences. No tv, time out, ect... Hang in there draw a self respect line and don't allow anyone to cross it!

Debbie - posted on 02/26/2009

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I agree with Kerri, don't buy into it, just ignore her. that way when the kids are old enough to realise they will know that you never said/did anything back to thier mum. They cannot hate you for not doing anything....The minute you fight back they have something to shove back in your face, believe me they will use it too. Anyway ignoring my bio is the best way to piss her off....I get such a laugh out of the way she carrys on now, she starts i ignore she gets abit worse I ignore shes gets really nasty i still ingore then she goes away for a while till she finds something else to bring up. Trust me after 16yrs shes going insane trying to find stuff to piss me off...funny as

Alex - posted on 02/26/2009

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thanks girls. i just need to know that that it was going to get better u have all beena big help xxx

Sandy - posted on 02/26/2009

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It does get better!!!! I was in the same spot at one time and just keep telling yourself that the kids will get older and they will know that they were lied to. The kids need to understand that when they are at your house it your rules! No matter how much you feel that you aren't liked keep showing up and keep doing things with the girls, when they are old enough to realize it they will know that you were there for them no matter what.  The girls will hit an age where they can decide for themselves how they feel about you and the influence their Mom has on them now will no longer be there. Be strong and you will get through it!!!!

Kathleen - posted on 02/26/2009

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I feel for you. I'm in the same spot kinda. My step kids mom would spank the little boy for even saying my name. The dad had to step in and make sure it didn't happen again. After a couple of years of this nonsence I wrote the mom a letter, for one I could be sure to say what I wanted and two it would keep things from getting out of control and she would have it there to reread and think about what I said and I wouldn't be infront of her for her to cuss or down me. Like the other lady said, it is hard to excepted another lady in the mommy role for your kids and if your not motionaly stable it will get ugly. I didn't like the thought of my daughter with another women in her life. That was my daughter! But I grew up and was glad that the lady was there to help take care of her if  she had to be away from me because hey men are kind of clumsy  about taking care of kids ya know what I mean, theres nothing like a moms love and care. So anyway I wrote her a letter and told her such that I just wanted to help them when there in our care. I didn't want or nor did I ever think I could take her place. Told her theat I can see how much the kids adore her and they do know matter how much of a butt she is and they will but me telling her that I know that she loves her children and they loved her and I didn't want to do anything to upset that. I stated the facts that the kids are going to be in both places and you just want to be there friend and help and so on.....beleive it or not we are not bestfriends but it chilled her out not to fill so threatend.  Sorry to say it will take time with the kids....just love them thats all anyone can do.

Kerri - posted on 02/26/2009

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Hey Alex.  It sounds like maybe mom is insecure and acting out through attempting to demean you and control the children's feelings towards you.  Seeing your children accept another mother-figure in their lives can be hard and some women just are not emotionally mature enough to do it.  So, they try to control their children's reactions to you by telling them things like - don't mind her - you don't have to listen to her, etc.  The best way to deal with this is to let the dad do the majority of the parenting while the kids are there until you can build a stronger foundation with them.  Let him discipline and give out rules, etc.  And do not take any of that stuff personally.   Children are reliant on their parents to model behavior. They are simply mimicking her behavior.  Do not take it personally or react to it in any way.  Don't let them see you get your feelings hurt or see you get angry.  Just smile and be loving.  When they get older and gain more independence things will change.   



The name calling and yelling is simply immaturity.  I would simply ignore it.  Do not play into it or react to it at all.  Not even through facial expressions.  Do not play into any "mean step-mom" stereotype.  If you yell back or get catty then you validate what she is saying, both to her and to whoever is watching (the children, other people at the school, etc.).  As far as the "money for children" mindset that you said she has, ignore it.  There are regulations that control child support and how much needs to be paid and as long as you are within those guidelines there is nothing she can do.  She can threaten all she wants but as long as you guys are paying your childsupport, exercising your visitation and providing a safe, caring place for the child during that visitation, there is nothing she can do.  It is simply an effort to control your husband using his children.    



It can get better.  But only if you do not participate in all of the craziness.  The more you react, the worse it will get.    She might spend the rest of her life acting like a lunatic towards you bu as long as you do not participate you will have peace and sanity in your house and in your relationships with your husband and step-children.  The minute you start participating, you lose all of that and it becomes an issue about you and her!

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