I WANT MY STEP KIDS TO CALL ME MOM HOW DO I COME ABOUT THIS SITUATION?

LISA - posted on 08/11/2009

I tell them i love them everyday an they know that...I would do anything an everything for them...i love them more then anything in this world....

Barby - posted on 08/11/2009

if their bio mom isn't around then let them know that you love them and it would make you happy, when they're ready, if they would like to call you mom. they'll do it when they're ready but knowing they are welcome too could make all teh differance! good luck

LISA - posted on 08/11/2009

I think when the kids are ready they will. Im handling the same thing...my bf has custody of his kids he has 4...a 16 yr, 12 yr, 7 yr an a 5 yr old...The 2 lil ones call me mom but the older ones dont..i think when it time they will..They know you r the one there for them and they respect you for that...dont rush it cause then its gonna cause drama for you an your husband an you dont want that...My bf kids mom doesnt really know how 2 be a mother 2 them so that where i had 2 step in..His daughter started her monthly and she didnt know what to do she was scared, her mom never explain anything to her, I didnt and dont ask them to call me mom, I think its up to them.

Sabrina - posted on 08/11/2009

I have been on both sides of this situation. First off I don't think you should tell your step kids to call you mom it is their choice (obviously lol). I think you should all sit down together and let the kids know that it is their choice to call you mom if they feel comfortable with it. maybe they don't know that you think it is ok, or maybe they feel that it will hurt their mom's feelings. we had this conversation with my step daughter and she has called me mom for the last 5 years. The first time she did call me mom I asked her if she was comfortable with it and she obviously was.
now the other had of this situation. My parents separated when I was 15, my parents both remarried. My mom's husband I never felt like he was a father so I only considered him to be my mom's husband and nothing more. my father's wife on the other hand, I feel as had a hand in raising me, I go to her for advice and I consider her to be my step-mom. I personally would never call her mom, I don't feel comfortable calling her mom, and it's not because I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings. I consider her to be a very important part of my life, in my wedding when my father was asked who gives this bride away, he said her mother, stepmother and I. My mom was ok with this and my stepmom was flattered.

so long story short, let them know you think it's ok, but also let them know that either way you love them the same whether they call you mom or not.

On a side note, my lil brother (who is actually my step brother I just consider him my brother) does not call my dad, dad, even though he has been around him since he was 2. Instead he calls my dad, buddy, because he was his big buddy as he was growing up and he is now 15 and still calls my dad buddy. maybe your kids can give you a kind of "pet" name.

Cidalia - posted on 08/10/2009

Quoting Mel:

... But if the bm is even remotely involved in their child's life then it is not a title you deserve AT ALL.

For the most part, I agree with Mel; however, this last line... not quite.

My stepkids' mom is very remotely involved in their lives.  They don't live with her.  Her parents are raising them (hubby lost in court, but has not given up on getting his children back).  She has no interest in getting them back.  She has essentially moved on and is raising two other children.  She is still in their lives but no more than a distant aunt that you see once in a blue moon. 

As my stepson himself said the other night in his own words: his mom is selfish, doesn't care about anyone but herself, uses people - even her own kids, doesn't share anything with her children, doesn't hug them ever, doesn't comfort him when he's upset, doesn't call to talk to them, doesn't invite them over to her place except for the oldest one and it's only so she can use her for babysitting, pushes him away and ignores him when he tries to talk to her, and when she does come to their grandparents' place, it's not to visit her kids but to dump off her other two kids (he said she leaves right away and only comes back to pick up the babies then leaves).  He was also angry that she caused a stink on his oldest sister's graduation day and "made my nana cry."  The BM basically stated she wasn't showing up for her daughter's graduation because she found out I would be there (my stepdaughter had insisted that I go).  The kids' grandmother cried because BM was willing to hurt her own daughter to get things her way.  My stepdaughter was torn wanting both of us there (this poor child is still holding out hope of some attention from mom and will take anything even if it's to be used for babysitting).  I gracefully backed out and let my stepdaughter know I wouldn't be upset with her.  So BM went to her graduation.  My stepson is so angry with her.  He said that when he graduates, he's going to tell his mom not to come because he wants someone else there (me) because she's never been there for him anyway.

That's remotely involved. 

My stepson wants to call me mom, and I'm going to let him because his mom has done nothing for this child aside from giving birth, and I know it would hurt him to tell him he couldn't call me mom (he's very sensitive).  His feelings are more important than hers.  She shirked her responsibilities as a mother, so she can't stake a claim to the name simply by virtue of giving birth and lurking in the background.

Mel - posted on 08/08/2009

Quoting Amanda:

I agree that when bm is involved you are asking for nothing more than an argument. But whether you deserve the title has so much more to do with HOW bm is involved rather than just IF bm is involved. I can tell you that my sk's began calling me mom before bm left because I was more of a mommy to them than she had ever been. While she would neglect them, choose that weekends party over them, and put them in situations no child should ever be in I was tucking them in at night, teaching them their first words, and being there in every way I knew how. I am more than sure my amazing children I wasn't lucky enough to give birth to have been through things no child should because the woman who carried them for 9 months and gave birth to them did not love them like she should have. In my eyes she did not earn that title by just doing those biological things. I believe she has no right to that title because she has done basically nothing for them after their births. And to Melissa, I am sure you are a great mother and have earned every bit of the title we all covet so much, but not all have. There are times when being there is not all it takes.

Amanda I agree with you.  I guess that is the point I was trying to make in so many words.  Cuz in the end a real mom is the one who is up in the middle of the night with their child when they are sick, the one who loses days at work to stay home with them while they are sick.  The one who tucks them in at night.  And even if they say they hate you because you are doing something they don't like, you realize that your role is to be the bad guy sometimes to ensure they make the right choices in the future and grow into wonderful human beings. 

It is just a touchy subject though.  Because if the bio mom does to this then she has earned the title.  But if the step mom is playing this role then they deserve the title.

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2009

I agree that when bm is involved you are asking for nothing more than an argument. But whether you deserve the title has so much more to do with HOW bm is involved rather than just IF bm is involved. I can tell you that my sk's began calling me mom before bm left because I was more of a mommy to them than she had ever been. While she would neglect them, choose that weekends party over them, and put them in situations no child should ever be in I was tucking them in at night, teaching them their first words, and being there in every way I knew how. I am more than sure my amazing children I wasn't lucky enough to give birth to have been through things no child should because the woman who carried them for 9 months and gave birth to them did not love them like she should have. In my eyes she did not earn that title by just doing those biological things. I believe she has no right to that title because she has done basically nothing for them after their births. And to Melissa, I am sure you are a great mother and have earned every bit of the title we all covet so much, but not all have. There are times when being there is not all it takes.

PENNY - posted on 08/08/2009

When they want to call you Mom they will don't push it may be worst.

Mel - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Shalonda:

TO MELISSSA IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOME PERSONAL ISSUES GOING ON LIKE MAYBE YOUR CHILD CALLED HIS/HER STEP MOM MOMMY BUT TO EVERY ONE ELSE THANK YOU YOU HELPED ME OUT ALOT!

Hey Shalonda,

No my little one has not called her step-mom, mom that I know of.  She is only 18 months old.  But the thought of her calling anyone else mom other than me is gut-renching.  She is my world and I did give birth to her, and breast feed her,  i taught her to roll over and crawl all before her dad was ever involved in her life.  Her step mom is nice that I know of but still she is not her mother.  Though I am appreciative of the fact that she loves my little one, I truly am.  And I have no doubt there will be a connection there as my little one grows up.   But it is intimidating and a form of insecurity on a bm's part when it comes to the name thing.  (I really am not the only one that feels this way.  I have quite a few friends that feel the same who are single moms.)  You would just fore-go a never-ending argument (which is the case with many bm).  It is just best to know that you love the kids and go with that.  I am sure that when they grow up one day they will tell you thank you for being a mother figure to them.  And you can be that without the title.  But if you are the only mother they know and their bm is not involved in their life, then you deserve that title.  But if the bm is involved then just let it go. 

Mel - posted on 08/07/2009

Quoting Nyla:

I totally disagree with Melissa - no offense! If you act like a mother to a child and take care of it for several years of it's life and love that child like they were your own birth children, you have a right to be called any version of mom that you can think of!

When I was growing up, I was in foster care for three years, three different families. I called each of the parents Mom and Dad after some time of leaving with them (I was 7-10). Later in life, even while living with my own BM, I would call my best friends' parents Mom and Dad if they cared and loved me like a parent. I still have a friend's parents that I refer to as Mom and Dad, because they have helped me so much in my life time. It does take a village after all, right! There are cultures in the world that all the women in the tribe are refered to by the same name, meaning mom. And the same for the men or dads.

And if giving birth is what gives you the rights to called mom - what do you say about all those crack heads giving birth to babies and then dumping them in garbage cans? Are they still mom after all is said and done? And what about women that can't have children of their own and adopt? Are they not allowed to be called mom?? I think that that is the most unfair statement.

If I was in the situation where my children had a step mom, I would be happy if they called her mom or mommy ________! That would mean that they trust her as a mother of that household!

I did say if the biological mom "is" involved in their life then it was not acceptable but if they are the only mother the child knows then it is perfectly fine to call her mom. 

But you are not in the situation so you actually don't know how you would feel until you were actually put into a situation where your child whom you have raised decides to call another woman mother.  

I do think that a person who raises a child should be called mom but only if the bio-mom is not involved in that child's life.  Have your own kids (adopt even) and then have your children call you mom.  It is fantastic you love them as your own but they are not your own.   But if the bio-mom is fully involved in the child's life you have no right to that name, no matter how much you love them.  Because in the end you are not the mother. 

I have a situation where I was actually raised by my aunt most of my life and though I love her like a mother, I would never call her mom out of respect to my mother because I still love my mom.  And the relationship I have with both of them is completely different.

Javana - posted on 08/07/2009

I think you should wait it out let the kids make that move because it hard to get a kid of that age 8&9 to cal you mom, when they have a mom , I have two kids and that came in my life arounf the age of 5&8 and that's been a min now I am looking at a younglady and a youngman and my daughter call's me mom and has been calling me mom for a min. now and we have had that talk in regarding the name mom and we have worked it out my son calls me Javana and I understand that he is a mom's boy, so just wait for it please don't bring yourself any M.D. hold back .it okay as long as you and your hubby know that you are a mom to them it's all good ,let the kids come to you. good luck and hang in there.

Jackie - posted on 08/07/2009

I have a blended family. His, mine and ours and yes it does get confusing. Right now we have primary custody of all the kids but it's only been that way for the last 6 months. Their mom is still a big part of their lives. I agree with the other ladies and say don't push it. I'm also a step-child who has both a stepmom and stepdad and I've always called them by their first name but it does not mean that they didn't mean a lot to me or that I didn't see them as a parent. My step kids are wonderful and call me by my first name. My youngest stepchild was a year old when my husband and I got together. They refer to me as their other mom when talking about me. My daughter calls my husband by his first name and sometimes calls him daddy. We did talk to my ex first when she first started saying it and he had no issues with it. I honestly could care less what they call me. I know that I am important to them and I know my role in their lives. My daughter has a stepmom and it wouldn't bother me in the least if my dd called her mom. She doesn't but she does refer to her as her other mom or mom #2 when talking about her. I really feel that it depends on the whole family situation and the kids. I remember being a kid and having family members and my mom try and force me to call my stepdad "dad" and I could never do it and it actually made me angry and resentful. My advice is to tread lightly and let the kids decide for themselves.

Brianna - posted on 08/06/2009

I always felt cheated because my stepson would talk about his mom like she was an angel, but she is sooo far from it. For example, he has been with us all summer and she only txt'd my husband once "when r u bringing **** back and what does he need?" Not "how is he, is he alive, did he go to the orthodontist, has he been taking his medicine?" Let me tell you, I taught him to tie his shoes, I clip his nails, get his hair cut, buy school supplies, teach him to cook and do crafts, take him to church, and have loved him for 8 years now. But I don't ask him to call me mom. It's just a name. Yes, I have my own kids, and I love being their mommy. But, I will never be his mom, and it was hard for me to accept that. Instead, I am trying to build the best relationship possible and hope that he loves me back. It's better to have an excellent step-mom - step-son relationship than to just be called mom. In the end, he will realize I was there for him no matter what he called me. And just so you know, he refers to me as, "My Bri".

Glenda - posted on 08/06/2009

My husband has started saying things like 'ask your mom' when they ask to do something or 'or mom did such and such.' The girls just roll with it. They live with us and their bm only tries to be their 'buddy' and trash talks us. We, of coarse have taken the upper road and never mention anything about her to them. The results pay off tremendously because they know where the stability is. Sure, she gave birth to them, but she also abandoned them when the youngest just turned 3.

Melissa P has issues and is only acting like the bm I am speaking of. The person that takes care of them day in and day out should have no regrets about wanting to hear 'mom.' My girls just helped me order my Mothers Bracelet this morning!!

Good Luck and keep us posted!!

Tara - posted on 08/05/2009

Just let it come naturally, trust me it will. I have 2 children one step and one of my own, when you let it come naturally to the children just by being motherly to them soon they will start to call you mom, sometimes mom sometimes your first name. Then it will all be Mom.

Rachel - posted on 08/05/2009

i belive it should be the childrens choice and if you have a good relashionship with them it will come one day when there ready - growing up i had both a step mum and dad as i never called them mum or dad as it did not feel right 4 me i have 1 mum and 1 dad but i do right dad 2 my stepdad in cards etc as i had a really good relasionship with him, the kids need 2 decide in this one not you x

Lainie - posted on 08/05/2009

Hi,
I gave my stepkids the option..No pressure I told them divorce for any kid is difficult and I am not trying to take their mom's place. I wan't the transition to be as smooth as possible. I will build my own special bond with them that will be so different from their mom. The youngest calls me mom, the oldest calls me by my name. The way I see it is when they need me I will answer to just about anything. We all know my place in their life is to love them unconditionally. Who knows someday they both may decide to call me mom. :o)

Billie Jo - posted on 08/05/2009

Well, if the real mom is not around, maybe you could tell them how much you care for them and would be honored if they wanted to call you mom. Just let them know they don't have to, it would be up to them. (talk to hubby first) Maybe if their real mom isn't around they want to, but aren't sure how you would react. If mom is in the picture maybe not a good idea and here is why. My daughter has been made from the get go (since she was about 2) to call her SM mom. She resents that and I am offended by it myself. I think they have to want to do it, not be made to do it. It would mean more to me if it happened on it's own. I would never push my daughter to call my husband dad when her dad is in her life. I have a stepdaugter and if she called me mom, I would have no problem as long as her mom didn't but I don't think kids should be forced to do so. If mom not in the picture, Def. talk to your husband and ask if it is ok to mention it to them.

Julie - posted on 08/05/2009

If the Birth Mom is in the picture, then I don't agree with this. Also, I agree, it needs to come from the kids.

If the BM is in the pic, please out of respect for her don't even bring it up. I have a step daughter and she has her Mom as well, I would never cross that line. I respect my SD 's mother, and I know that would be hurtful.

Just tread lightly, and don't be hurt if they don't want to call you Mom. They will still love you, but you aren't their Mom.

Good luck!! :)

Elizabeth - posted on 08/05/2009

Dangerous waters here!!!

My step son calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. Although I act like a mother to him and love him like he was my own and although we are extremely close, "Mom" is not a title that I have the right to. My son calls me mom, but if the BM is in the picture, she is the one who earned that title. Do you have any kids of your own? You have to look at it from her perspective. My SS BM got married to a guy she had known for a little while and she told him to call his step dad "Dad". My husband was furious. I was furious too. That is a special name saved for 1 person. I'm a step mom too and I wish it was easier, but it's not. If my husband and I split and some other woman had my son calling her mom there is no telling how I would react... I just know it wouldn't be pretty, My advice? No way! Stay clear of that territory!!

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2009

My step son asked me if he could call me mom. He was comfortable enough on his own doing it. I told him that he could call me mom if he wanted to but, he needed to remember that he HAS a mom. I told him that I loved him very much and would be honored to be called mom. You CAN NOT force them to call you mom. They have a mother. Leave it up to them.

Beth - posted on 08/05/2009

Shalonda, I have been SM to 2 wonderful kids for 8 years, but been with their father for 12. They were 7 & 9 when we got together, and have now blessed us with a grandchild apiece. Neither of the kids has called me Mom, just my name. Would I have liked them to call me Mom? Sure! But it was and is more important to me that they know I love them, and that they can trust me with anything than what they call me. Please don't push for it, because it could backfire with horrid repercussions. If they want too, they will in their own time, and their own way. Just be there for them, and love them! They are very lucky to have you in their life to give them the special love only a mom or stepmom can give.

Heidi - posted on 08/05/2009

Its really up to the kids to decide that. I have a 10 year old son that calls my husband dad and his so called bio dad daddy. He decided on his own when he was almost 4. My husband is more of a father figure then the bio dad. Just leave it up to the kids to decide. You could talk to your husband about it and let him know how you feel, he might be able to chat with the kids himself, but I really don't think it would be good for you to talk to the kids, because they may think you are trying to replace there bio mom. I also have a stepson and he calls me by my first name, but when he introduces my husband and myself to new friends he says "these are my parents" . I have been in his life since he was 10 and now he is 18. I don't want to replace his mom(who he hasn't seen in over 2 years) but I am thankful that he acknowledges me as a parent even though he calls me by my first name. I wish you luck!

Michelle - posted on 08/04/2009

I don't think this issue has anything to do with the BM or the SM, it has only to do with the child. It seems like Melissa P is a BM whose child called someone else mom. As the adults in the relationships, we must respect the kids' choice. It doesn't matter what we want, on the same token, it shouldn't matter if the BM gets upset either. Just love the kids, that's the best any mom, step or otherwise, can do for their children.

Jill - posted on 08/04/2009

I miscarried my children, and only have my step children, however, I do not want them to feel "like step children" I want to make sure they know they are part of mine and their fathers family. So we came up with a nickname: Mammy. I completely understand not wanting them to call you by your first name. It makes you feel like your just a person in their lives and not a parental figure. I know someone asked if the birth mom is around, I can tell you from experience, it will make her feel inferior and like you are trying to take her role over. I would just bring it up at a meal time that ytou would rather being called mom or find a nichname that resembles mom, like mammy. My oldest mom got PISSED when I wrote "from: daddy and mammy" on a gift. If you have a relationship with their mom, talk to her about it. Tell her you would like the children to call you mom (or a nickname) and get her opinion. Or just mention it to the kids but I would suggest not to MAKE them call you mom, it could emotionally damage the children. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Rachel - posted on 08/04/2009

I've been a step-mom for 2 years to 3 wonderful kids (Misty 13, Kevin 12, Cameron 10). I have never felt the "need" for them to call me mom, although I wouldn't stop them if they did start calling me that, or any form of it. I knew them way before their dad and I started dating, and they referred to me as Miss Rachel, because they were in my Sunday School class at church. Once their dad and I got married, they still called me Miss Rachel up until about 6 months ago when I finally asked that they come up with something different to call me, because when they called me Miss Rachel it made me feel like I was a visitor in our home. I told them to think of what they wanted to call me - they came up with everything from Penny to Lulu and everything in between. They finally just decided to drop the Miss & call me Rachel. I am fine with that. At least if people hear them refer to me in public, they won't think I'm a nanny or baby-sitter. The way my husband and I did it was to tell them that I'd rather them not call me Miss Rachel, so they can decide what they want to call me. Anything other than Miss Rachel would be fine. I do think it is the children's choice, and not by any means should you force them to call you mom, but just be open & honest with them & let them know how good it will make you feel if they called you that, if not all the time, every once in a while. At their age, they are old enough that you can have a "kid sized" conversation about this (in my opinion) and make sure to let them know that you are not trying to take the place of their mom, but maybe that you feel like their mom because you take care of them when they are at your house. Just a thought - hope it helps. Good Luck! :)

Ruth - posted on 08/04/2009

Hi Shalonda, being with someone who has children from another woman is diffucult when it come to the "MOM" word. Their Mom is their MOM, you can't be cuz they have one already. You are their fathers significant other, wife, girlfriend or what ever the case maybe. I know it sound really weird coming from another mom but I have 2 step kids a 14yr old boy and a 11 yr old girl and I have been in their lives for 8 years and married to their dad for 4years. We have the boy living with us and the girl lives with her mom for now at least thats what she says she wants to do for now. They asked me a few years back if they could call me mom and I told them it was up to them as to what they wanted to call me and they call me by my first name and I wouldn't have it any other way. The thing is that I gave them the choice. Don't get me wrong here I know this might sound like I don't want them too but hey facts are facts. I also have a 20 yr.old of my own and he calls my husband by his first name. This seems to work for our family. I think what it comes down to for me is respect to me and their mom. I don't particularly get along with their mom, I tolorate her lets just leave it at that. As long as your step-kids respect you and their mom then I wouldn't push the issue. Just be there for them when things are good and bad. I tell my step kids that I will never replace their mom and that I am here to be their teacher of life, the warden.. when they need it and a wise friend if they want me as one. So far things have been not to bad, mind you the boy can be a handful at times being 14 but I put my foot down and that's that. Who knows maybe one day they will come out and ask you if they can call you mom just don't push.

Leah - posted on 08/04/2009

It's really up to the kids, and somewhat the birth mom. My stepkids' mom has given them permission to call me mom. I have known them for 3 years. The kids aren't comfortable calling me mom, other than an occasional slip. They do tell everyone I'm their step-mom and that took long enough. My sk's are boys ages 7 and 11. Don't force it on them, they will do the complete opposite. And don't step on the toes of the birthmom. Do you have any other children. Maybe put yourself into the other mom's shoes.

Karrie - posted on 08/04/2009

I have 2 stepkids. One calls me by my name and the other calls me stepmom. If they want to call you mom they will do it on their own. you could always just tell them " you know if you want to call me mom that is ok with me" I did that and the kids were happy they had a choice.

Tonya - posted on 08/04/2009

I was where you are two years ago today, infact. I married a man who had three girls. It was very hard for me to be called Tonya and not mom. I sat my husband down and asked him what a mother was, after he was done I told him thats what I felt like. I felt all the things he had just said, but sadly only inside. On the outside I was Tonya, the one who cooked and cleaned and cared for them. It was almost like a baby sitter. I told him how it made me feel and that I longed to be so much more to them then just their "babysitter." I explained to him that I was their mom as much as his ex wife was and that in rexpecting that they needed to call mom as well. He agreed and we sat the kids down and explained to them that sense daddy married me I became a mommy to them too. So they had two at that time. We told them that just like their Bio mom was called mom I was to be called mom too. It's a respect thing. You are a step MOM so why be called anything different. They understood and were fine with it. I hope this helps, because I totaly understand how hurtful it can be.

ERICKA - posted on 08/04/2009

HI SHOLONDA,RESPONDING 2 UR QUSTION. I'VE BEEN A STEPMOM 4 9YRS AND 1 THING I LEARN DONOT FOCUS ON STKIDS CALLING U MOM AS LONG AS U LOVE THEM AND THEY KNOW U LOVE THEM IT WILL COME BUT WHEN THEY'RE READY.IT TOOK MY STEPKIDS 5YRS BEFORE THEY START 2 CALL ME MOM AND IT DID'NT MATTER TO ME IF THEY CALLED ME MOM OR BY MY NAME CAUSE I KNEW WE WE'RE A FAMILY AND WE LOVED EACHOTHER,DON'T RUSH IT LET IT FLOW HOW ARE U WITH THE BIO MOM? AND HOW IS UR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE KIDS?THEN I CAN CALABORATE ON THIS MORE BECAUSE THOSE TWO ? PLAY A BIG BIG PART...

Kanika - posted on 08/03/2009

your stepkids have a mom. you may want to ask that they call you me-me. i have three stepkids. you or i can never take the place of their real mom.

Christina - posted on 08/03/2009

While i can totally see where it would be great to be called mom I think it is totally up to the kids and should not be pushed on them. I have been in my kids lives for 5 1/2 years now and I have never one asked them to call me anything they were not comfortable with. they have both slipped and called me mom at different times, and each time they correct themselves. Their mom is in their life and as useless as if she wasn't there! But she is their mom and I am their stepmom. They call me their stepmom when they introduce me and I take that as a compliment.



We talked to them a long time ago, back after about six months of being together and explained to them that we knew they were adjusting to everything and that no one expected them to call me anything then by my name and with respect. For a while I didn't even take it personally when they didn't refer to me as stepmom. Then they came around. If they ever chose to call me mom, momma, ma, or anything of the like then I will accept it with open arms but I will not push them into anything.

Sally - posted on 08/03/2009

Melissa is just a bitter person who needs to stay out of the Step Mom discussions. Check all of her posts, it's always negative things about Step Moms. She even talks trash about Step Moms on the Single Mom's community. She's NOT a step mom and has NO right to give advice in this community! She's just a troll, trying to piss-off wonderful women who have given their time and love to children that they didn't have to love, they chose to love!

Tiffany - posted on 08/03/2009

To Melissa P I am sorry to disagree but my step sons bm was in the pic until she took him to a mans house to stay with her for two months that she was having an affair with while being a junkie. Then she signed him over to my husband but had weekends. Then she takes us to court shortly after she gave birth and moved in with her bf which her baby was planned do to my husband and I had our child. Long story short she tried to get more rights after she neglected to see him most of her visits for a year now that its convenient. So technicaly in my opinion giving birth and raising your child is in no way the only thing that qualifies you as a mom. It takes love and actually caring about your child. I guess unfortunately there are women that don't understand the full meaning of mom,

Tiffany - posted on 08/03/2009

I feel the same way about my step son. He is 7 years old and only seems to call me mom by accident after visiting his biological mother. It is hard because I feel I am more of a mother than she is to him she gave up her rights and we have custody. He has been to counciling and all that I can say is to let them know it is ok to call you mom if they want too and leave it at that. That was the advice of our councelor. He still doesnt but he seems to be more attached to me as if he is more comfortable knowing that I feel he is truly mine and at their age they may not feel comfortable enough to call you mom and they may feel it would hurt their biological mom so they won't at least that seems to be the case with my son.

Diana - posted on 08/03/2009

I wouldn't push it. It is difficult enough being in the position of having step parents. Only you know how that came to be in the first place. I am a child of divorce and I have step children. I am fine with them calling me by my name or giving me a nick name. Mom to me is just a title. I don't need a title. I love them no matter what. It is the bond we have, and the time we spend together that means everything. I had a step mother who tried to make me call her mom and I resented her our entire relationship because I didn't give her that name freely. Be happy you have a good relationship. My step daughters nick named me and I know that was because they loved me like a mom and felt calling me mom would be a dis-service to their mother. They nick named me out of love and respect and that was mom all by itself. If they want to call you mom. They will. But I don't think it is a big deal if they don't. They love me regardless.

Lisa - posted on 08/03/2009

I definitely think it can't be forced. If they get comfortable enough to do it on their own then they will. If they aren't I believe it would be wrong to push them into it. As much as it would be nice to hear it...... putting them into an uncomfortable situation is not fair to them.

Leanna - posted on 08/03/2009

Shalonda,



I have a perspective from both sides and I hope it helps. I have a step dad that has been in my life for 20 years and I still call him by his first name. I know it would make him feel good to hear me call him dad, but I can't bring myself to do it. Don't get me wrong, he is a great person and has been there for me when times were rough, but I'm 35 and I feel that now is not the time to start calling him Dad.



Now, on the flip side, I'm a step mom. I have been in my SD's life since she was 5. She's now 16. Her BM was in her life for a few years after I came into her life. She has completely dropped out of the picture as of right now. SD started calling me mom when she was comfortable with it and I sat down with her and made sure she knew she didn't have to call me that. She said it was because she wanted to. My heart swelled and my eyes welled up with tears. So, believe me when I tell you I know where you are coming from.



So to the point, I feel it has to be something the child has to feel is right on their own. And if the BM is in the picture, so be it. It is better to have two moms that love and care for the child than no one to. Yes, I think it would hurt if my own daughter called another woman mom, but if the woman was good to her and loved her, then it would be something I would need to get over.



BTW, my SD didn't start calling me "mom" until I was in her life for about 3 years or so. Just be patient and it will come naturally. It sounds like they love you and that's the important thing. Good luck with everything!

Alice - posted on 08/03/2009

I was married to my step daughters father one month after she was born. I have never requested that she calls me mom. She is 7 now. The only thing I asked her when she got older is not to call me Alice. I think that is disrespectful. I have 2 other children and I don't want them to call me Alice. So she on her own called me mom or mommy ali. I think since they are older maybe you should tell them how that makes you feel. but no matter what you can be a good mom figure to the children without being called mom. It seems like they need a good woman in their life. So maybe you can talk to your husband first before you talk to the children. Just tell him that you have an issue with what the children are calling you. I dont suggest that they are made to call you mom but maybe a lil nickname or something like my daughter does me. I hope that helps ya out. Also remember they might never call ya that because children think that might be betraying their real mom. BE THANKFUL YOU GOT THAT EXTENDED FAMILY no matter what comes of this.

Sarah - posted on 08/03/2009

I have been a stepmum for five years now and made it clear to my SD that i have no intention taking over her mother's role. I would never ask her to call me Mum because it is not my right. However, last November, hubby and i had a little boy and my SD started to call me Mummy.
Just because they don't call you Mum doesn't mean they don't love and respect you. It could just be a comfort issue with regards to feeling like they are 'cheating' on their biomum. Just stay cool about it and let them decide if and when they want to call you Mum. Although you have been in their lives for 2 years, you may have to wait quite a while longer before they decide (if they ever do) to start calling you Mum.
Just stay relaxed and enjoy them and their company. You are enjoying watching them grow up and as it Romeo and Juliet - "What is in a name?" xx

Elizabeth - posted on 08/03/2009

Hi Shalonda,



I am a stepmom of two kids - age 5 and 9. I met my husband long after he separated and right after his divorce. I have been in the 5 year old's life (he is almost 6) since just after he learned to walk. My husband and many of his friends have said I am more of a Mom to them than their own Mom (I have NO doubt that their bm loves them dearly, but she has a lot of money and a lot of help - yet doesn't work...she is known to "play house" in the terms of others. But she still has them primarily and her family is very involved). That said, I would never want to usurp that title from her. Moreso for THEM.



Please hear me out: I have a unique perspective because I am the child of a second marriage. My brothers are my Mother's kids from her first marriage. They had both parents remarry (in their Father's case, multiple times) and it can be a little confusing, especially to the younger ones. I am not sure how long you have been married and I have no doubt that you are a wonderful steMom to them, but it is a bit emotionally challenging for children to reconcile. While my brothers' Dad had some issues, at the end of the day, he was still their Dad. My Dad loved the boys - and treated them as if they were his own. They adored him too. But they were never suggested or push to call him Dad. And their Dad would have had a coniption (sp) fit if they had, putting undue pressure on the kids. They have dabbled with the word in adulthood, but never permanently. But the love, affection, and appreciation is all there.



So, I have never suggested or pushed that. Interestingly, it is my (wonderful) Mom who wishes the kids had a nickname for her other than my parents' real names. But the kids stick with the names. Who knows? :)



In any case, each person and family must do right for the kids, their family, and for themselves. While I wouldn't encourage suggesting they call you that (because even though you don't intend it as pressure or direction, they may perceive it that way), you can share with them the level of love you have for them and make them feel safe, nurtured and so forth by saying something to them along the lines of "I couldn't love you more if I had you myself" or "I don't think of you as my stepchild. Yes, I know you have a Mommy who gave birth to you, but I love being a "bonus" Mom" and so forth.



Again, you asked for advice/opinions and from a fellow SM, there is mine. :) FYI - I don't think the others (e.g. Naomi) mean to upset or hurt you just because they are recommending not doing it. I just think they are trying to warn you about some of the reprucussions - not so much because the bm might go apeshi* (which she probably would - which could upset the kids unnecessarily...whether she is right or wrong not being the point...but what the tension and emotion kids are left to deal with) but because of any pressure the kids perceive (intended or not) or the kids feeling "in the middle" which may give you the exact opposite result your good intentions intended...



And finally, just a side note...my Mother's Mother died :( when she was just 18 of breast cancer. Her Mother in Law from her first marriage was very maternal and helped her grow up a lot in absence of her "real" Mom. My Mom to this day loves her bm with all her heart but even after her divorce also called her former mother in law Mom as well. It wasn't disrespect to her real Mom, but a term of maternal respect and a close bond. But it was her choice - and one she made later in life.



Good luck - and my parting advice, whatever you do, make sure your hubby/their Dad is on board first. :)

Georgia - posted on 08/03/2009

I believe this should be the kids' choice without any pressure.

Shalonda - posted on 08/03/2009

NAOMI THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE BUT NO THANKS AND I DO HAVE MY OWN SON! THIS GROUP IS FOR MOMS WHO HAVE GOOD ADVICE IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY THING GOOD TO SAY KEEP YOUR NEGAIVE COMMENTS TO YOUR DAMN SELF!

Shalonda - posted on 08/03/2009

THANKS JEANNETTE! YES I HAVE A SON WHO IS ALMOST 3. AND YES THEIR MOM IS A PIECE OF SHIT BUT THEY LIVE WITH HER.I KNOW IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT I JUST HOPE IT DOESNT TAKE FOREVER. I TALKED WITH MY HUSBAND ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT HE SAID BABY THATS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WORRYING ABOUT HE SAID BABY THEY LOVE YOU THEY ALWAYS ARE ASKING ABOUT YOU. THAT MADE ME A LITTLE HAPPY BUT IN MY HEART I WOULD STILL LOVE TO HEAR THEM SAY IT FORM TIME TO TIME BUT WHATS SO CRAZY THEY CALL THEI REAL MOTHER BY HER FIRST NAME TOO SO IT MIGHT JUST BE A LOSS CAUSE WAITING FOR THEM TO CALL ME MOMMY.

Naomi - posted on 08/03/2009

I think you should forget it , it will only cause confusion and pain . They have a mum already . Have your own children if its that important . I think its a bad idea sorry .

JEANNETTE - posted on 08/03/2009

SHALONDA I AM A STEPMOM TO A 10YR OLD. IT'S VERY HARD. ESPECIALLY IF THE BM IS IN THERE LIFE. I FEEL THAT IF THE CHILDRENS WANT TO CALL YOU MOM. IT'S OK BUT DONT RUSH IT. LET THEM COME OUT AND FEEL COMFORABLE. MY STEPDAUGHTER DONT CALL ME MOM. BUT SHE KNOWS I AM A BETTER MOM THEN HER BIO MOM IS. MY FIANCE TELLS HER THAT I AM HER MOM. HER MOTHER DONT REALLY HAVE TIME FOR HER. IN AND OUT OF HER LIFE. IT'S VERY HARD ON THE CHILDRENS. WHEN THEY KNOW THAT THE MOTHER IS A PIECE OF SHIT. JUST GIVING YOU ADVICE. SIT DOWN WITH YOUR HUBBY AND LET HIM KNOW. DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDRENS? THAT COULD PLAY A BIG PART. HEARING THE OTHER KIDS CALLING YOU MOMMY, THEN THEY MIGHT CALL YOU MOMMY TOO. GOOD LUCK

Betty - posted on 08/02/2009

Maybe if you start refering to them as your children in front of them they will follow your lead.

I don't like it when my sd calls me mom because I feel like I'm oversteping my territory by allowing that. Even though I'm a way better parent to her than her BM. Every situation is differant though.

Shalonda - posted on 08/02/2009

TO MELISSSA IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOME PERSONAL ISSUES GOING ON LIKE MAYBE YOUR CHILD CALLED HIS/HER STEP MOM MOMMY BUT TO EVERY ONE ELSE THANK YOU YOU HELPED ME OUT ALOT!

Gwen - posted on 08/02/2009

In our family, biological mom is Mama and I am Mommy. DSD didn't start calling me Mommy until DD was born and would call me it. But she also moved in with us full time because BM has been out of the picture for the past two years other than phone calls and a few visits. I have been the mom. It felt wrong for her to call me by my first name while I was doing things like wiping her butt and making her lunch everyday. I suggested some other pet name, but she didn't like any of them, she thought they were weird (Nanny, Mammy, Gigi, etc). She finally decided on Mama and I told her no because that is her mother's name and I do not replace her mother, I am another parent, not a replacement. So then she started calling me Mommy because that is what the baby was also calling me. I mean my parents are Nana and Papa, not stepgrandparent Nana and Papa. If you can have six grandparents and none of them "take" the important role from any other, why can't you have two mothers or two fathers? Same concept, just more people to love the child. There are many variations of mother and father that could be used so each has their own name, just like we have a Mimi, Nanny, Nene, Nana, and Granny for the grandmas.