If you had of known at the beginning what you were in for, would you still have done it?

Di - posted on 03/22/2009 ( 127 moms have responded )

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My question is if you had of known how hard and how much work being a sm is, would you still make the choice to become a sm?

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Kimi - posted on 04/16/2009

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I love being a stepmom! We get to take care of a sweet little girl half the time and enjoy the life of newlyweds the other half of the time. It's the perfect set up. We're waiting a bit longer than I thought we would to have a baby together because we just love the way it is right now.

That being said I would happily be her mom full time if it meant we did'nt have to deal with her bio mom. Our daughter would miss out though. She needs to have both worlds for her sake.

Amanda - posted on 04/16/2009

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No doubt. I love my children more than anything and could not live without them, even the ones I didn't give birth to. My husband is wonderful, our life is wonderfu, and we are happy. The thing I tell myself and my husband when either of us get discouraged because of the bm is that no one can have everything perfect and since everything else in our life is so great she is the obstacle God decided we could deal with.

Natasha - posted on 04/16/2009

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I think about it sometimes when times get rough, but I would do it all over again. I love my hubby, he is a good man and a good father. And yes, times get really tough sometimes because of BM and her crap, and yes things get really nasty sometimes up to the point of going to court,...but the kids dont stay kids forever, they grow up very fast. One of my SD, from my first marriage, is already 12 years old. BM, 12 years ago, was some what difficult, and now she calls me and asks me if SD can come over and visit with my kids because she wants to see them and she misses them. When I married my hubby his daughter was 2 years old, now she is going on 5, but her mother is still a very nasty and spitfull childish woman. However, I know as the time goes by and my 4 year old SD gets older things will change. I give BM benifit of the doubt. I let her think she got an upper hand and she is in control. Sooner or later, proly later than sooner, she will finally realise that there is nothing she can do because the child will be gorwn and will make desicions and choices on her/his own. I love my SD and feel bad for her because BM using SD as a pawn in her vindictive mind games, and I love my hubby and feel for him too because he was married to that crazy woman for many years. And even the whole situation is effecting me, my feelings, my emotions, my life...I would not trade it for anything else. At the end it's all worth it :)!!!!!

Kimi - posted on 04/16/2009

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I would do it all over agian in a heart beat. I can't imagine my life without my husband and stepdaughter in it. It's tuff at times but it gets better everyday. His ex causes trouble all the time, trying to move or trying to get more money. But honestly I don't really care. If she moves so will we, if have to give her more money who cares. She can't affect our relationship and the more she tries to closer we will be. I was born to play the role of a stepmom. It's in my blood.

Natalie - posted on 04/16/2009

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Being a step mum and then having your own children with your partner is not an easy task.. I have 2 ss who i knew from the day they were born so I loved them already but having my own two kids to add to the throng threw a spanner into the emotional works. There becomes resentment from all sides, you tippy toe around trying to share yourself evenly and to ensure that you don't buy your own kids something without theirs.. and to be honest why should you feel guilty if you want to buy your child something? Normal mothers don't. The worst thing is the bastards that sit back and criticise you and say you treated them different when they have never and will probably never walk in your shoes. Its hard to raise kids and even harder when they're not yours. You seem to tolerate your own kids attitudes better cos you know you have to put up with it and its probably wrong again but you can't tell your heart what to feel. I love all my children. I just show it differently I suppose. It is not intentional. I fix all their problems the same. I feed them all the same. I could have been a right bitch and said send them to their mother or I'm going a hundred times when they kicked me in the guts but I never. They needed me. We need them. They are part of our lives.
In the beginning it seemed like it was him and his 2 against me and mine and to tell the truth i dunno how we got through it. It only stopped when he realised it wasn't me being a bitch. Then there was the issue of more children. I only had 2 because that made 4. In another life I probably would have had more. Wish I had but can't change that now.
I think we have all melded together now.. finally lol. We had a minor meltdown last month when one was going to move out because I didn't like him and he didn't like me but we got over it.
I would rather be the wicked stepmother who is always there for them then the mother who deserted them when they were toddlers. The one who couldn't even pay 20 bucks a month for their child support. The one who's family only remember them when they run into them in the street. Who used to post them a Christmas Card when they live in the same town. The one who lied to her family and told them we said she couldn't see them to assuage her own guilt. Least I am here. I am the one who fixes every bit of paperwork or liaises with people for them. I gave their father the love he deserved and helped them to have a stable home where there are seldom any arguments between their parents. I am the one who worked 2 and 3 jobs and 7 days a week so they could eat. That was me and I have done my best. If others wanna judge me then so be it.
I would not change it. I look at them and they are well respected young men and I know, although I probably don't get the credit for it, that I helped to make them what they are today and I am proud of that.

Alichia - posted on 04/15/2009

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I am not officially married yet, but I would have changed a lot of things in the begining of my relationship with my fiance.

I would have set a lot of ground rules for myself, the children, and their Father.

I think that I would have requested a lot more hugs and kisses, because I did not know that once they hit puberty life would become such an uphill battle with them.

I love them, and blame a lot of their issues on their mother. Once you are raised to believe something only life can change that view, and they are not really old enough or mature enough to know different.

I love the fact that me as an addition made this household more of a family. For a while (before the kids became teens) I think they appreciated me and all that I have to offer.

Casey - posted on 04/15/2009

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I honestly don't know if I'd do it over again knowing what I know now. I'm thinking probably not if it weren't for the two children I have from this marriage. I'm seriously wondering how much more I can take before I break. I love my husband but all the crap that has come with it has me at my wits end. Of coarse BM has started WW3 and it is still continuing today. BM is evil and the SKs are old enough to feed into her BS and *I* get blamed for EVERYTHING! They are 13, 11, and 9... still too young to know any better than to listen to mommy but big enough to have horrible mouths and place blame. It's just a horrible situation right now. I feel bad for even saying it but I'm ready to hit the road. It's not the kids' fault, it's a result of their upbringing and BM.

User - posted on 04/15/2009

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I would do it all over again i don't have problems with theBM but my SS is where alot of the problem comes from.he has his own mission that his mom and dad should be together and he starts small issues in the house between my hubby and my self. my DH never married her but in my SS's mind they are going to get back together. i was a step child and yes i do know how it feels to have a blended family so i work extra hard to make him feel like he belongs there ..I love my SS like he is my own but he can start alot of upsetment in the house...but YES i would do it again . I love my son and I love my hubby

Jenny - posted on 04/15/2009

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Absolutely, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I now have two extremely beautiful children that I am raising as my own. Their mother only is allowed to see them once a year supervised so I am their main mommy. I also have the best husband a woman could ask for. He is a fabolous dad and we spend a lot of time together as a family. If I never had to deal with the ex-wife our lives would be perfect, but of couse nothing is absolutely perfect in life. I am so glad I made the desicion to become a step parent to these children because now they get a chance to see what a great mom is.

June - posted on 04/06/2009

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When I married DH it was my second time as a step mom..First time was fine..Bm was not in th picture much at all, my ex was the problem but once the kids were pretty much grown we split.  I have a great relationship them.  DH came with 4 boys and a witch for an ex...OH MY GOSH!!  There were times when I would have left him just so I could beat the crap out of her and I am no where near a fighter.  But I stuck it out and now those boys are grown..good boys..I never really had any problems with them that the ex being out of the picture wouldn't have cured.  Anyway they are grown, married have kids of their own, DH and I are kicking back and taking it easy, lovin one another and laughing at all the crap we had to put up with so...Yeah I would have to say yeah cause I do love this man. Problems haven't ceased but with all the kids and grandkids what can you expect??  But its all good, yeah real good!!  Now!!

Nicole - posted on 04/05/2009

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Yes, I would! There are definitely days that I don't like being a step-mom, but that is only because I wish I were there bio mom. I feel that I can raise the kids better than she can. I love being a step mom, I love all three kids as if they were my own. They're absolutely beautiful. Being a step mom can be difficult, but I wouldn't change my life for anything. I love it!

Raye - posted on 04/03/2009

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Yes, I think that I would. Being a SM is SO hard, especially when I have two of my own little ones running around. But as Kristine pointed out, I couldn't live without my boyfriend. I knew it was a package deal when I got together with him, and granted even though neither one of us were expecting custody of his daughter I still wouldn't change it for the world! She is doing so well in our house, and she is growing up in a family that loves her. I love being able to look at that and think that I am the one providing all that she needs, by choice, not because I accidentally got pregnant or anything.

Judi - posted on 04/03/2009

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I have asked that questions myself...The BM is notin the picture right now step son has not seen here for 3years and does not want to so that makes it a little easier. But just how far can you take the disaplin when it is not your child and I try to make a united front with both children but still get some resistance. When that question comes into my head I step back and think "why am I really hear" it is all because of my husband. He is my bestfriend and could not live a day without him. however we do have different view's when it comes to disapline he is the more passive one as I am not. That makes it very hard. We also have a blended family my daughter has not seen her BF for 9years so I expect my husband to treat her like she is his no if ands or buts...and i have let her know that quite clear.



Then I just keep thinking to myself they will appreciate you more when they are older.

Judi - posted on 04/03/2009

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I have asked that questions myself...The BM is notin the picture right now step son has not seen here for 3years and does not want to so that makes it a little easier. But just how far can you take the disaplin when it is not your child and I try to make a united front with both children but still get some resistance. When that question comes into my head I step back and think "why am I really hear" it is all because of my husband. He is my bestfriend and could not live a day without him. however we do have different view's when it comes to disapline he is the more passive one as I am not. That makes it very hard. We also have a blended family my daughter has not seen her BF for 9years so I expect my husband to treat her like she is his no if ands or buts...and i have let her know that quite clear.



Then I just keep thinking to myself they will appreciate you more when they are older.

Sandy - posted on 04/02/2009

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Thats aweful I would definately not let any child I don't care who's they are talk to me or treat me in this way you really need to talk to your husband about this disrespect issue would he let other peoples kids treat him this way? Or you?

Molly - posted on 04/02/2009

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Hmmm. The answer would be yes, BUT I might have waited until the kids got older. I have two kids (14 and 16) and he has two (17 and 15) The biggest problem is that they have been raised with completely different sets of values. His children are used to getting their way and pit their parents against each other constantly. (if Mom says no, which is rare, they come crying to Dad) It would be easy to just blame BM, but DH is their dad too, and has enabled this behavior. I read the above posts and I wish I could say that I love my step-kids, believe me I have really tried! But they give me nothing other than rude comments and disrespectful behavior. I remember the first time SD (17) told me to F... off, her dad just said that it showed that she "trusted" me now. My kids will watch her throw a temper tantrum and just think she is pathetic. But it really urks my kids that their step siblings DO get away with a lot more things.

Sandy - posted on 04/02/2009

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I can honestly say...that with how tough things have been on both our children ( his and mine ) I would not do it again if not for the fact that we have children together. If we had not had children together I don't think our relationship would have made it through the tough times because it has just been to hard dealing with the extended family issues and and raising someone elses child when she ( the bio mom ) is so resentful of it.

Karen - posted on 04/01/2009

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I'm not sure if I'd change anything...but do pray that the BM would just get along with everyone. She makes it so difficult for the son to get along with my husband. I've been married 8 years and have never met the BM because she doesn't like me and I have no idea why...she won't talk to me...she just hangs up on my husband. Mostly my husband has to do correspondences. It's so frustrating. I'd love for us all to get along for the child's sake.

Tara Lee - posted on 04/01/2009

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Yes, I would still be right were I am today ! However, there were times when I would question getting involved with a man with children and an ex that will always be in the picture. Luckly, in the beginning years we all got along good, so by the time the fighting started I was already in love with my husband and loved both SS and SD very much. There were hard times, when I thought I wasn't going to make it, but you don't quit on those you love just because of hard times, and I stayed. Now, SS is 19, and on his own...SD is 16, and living with us...and I have a beautiful 7 month old daughter.



I look at it this way, if I were to change one thing, other things change also. I wouldn't have my wonderful husband, whome I love dearly, my precious daughter, who is my heart, or two great step-children, who have grown into beautiful young people you can't help be love. You have to work for what you want in life...and I have everything I want or need in my family ! It was a stuggle at times, and I'm sure I would do things differant in some situations if I could, but life is what it is and I love my Family.

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2009

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Quoting Melanie:

Yes and No.
Yes because I have a beautiful, happy, silly, and behaved baby boy of my own out of our marriage... and yes if the BM wasn't involved...
BUT I would definately say NO if I didn't have my son.
I am not strong enough most days to deal with the BM. My husband supports me, and I LOVE HIM! ...but the children are so loyal to their BM... and we can't tell them the things she does or says... as it isn't appropriate to talk about a childs mother to them.
I try to do everything I can for my 2 step children, but they never say "thank-you" or acknowledge anything I do for them... plus they don't get that most of the things we do for them are things that their BM has failed to do...and again, it isn't appropriate for us to point that out and talk about their BM to them.
The children are JUST like their BM...selfish, manipulative, and feel that things are owed to them and that they are the victim when they don't get what they want..... but without the BM's influence, I know they could be better people and so like I said before, I would not have any regrets if the BM wasn't involved.
I try and try to remember it is just about "being there" for the kids, but it is sooo very hard to not have resentments and frustration towards them because of their BM's actions or their inherited behaviors.
I have made the choice so I must stand by it. The kids love my son so very much and I do not want a broken family. I seek to this on-line group for the strength and the relief I get from hearing other people struggling with the BM. I wish I could feel at peace and be strong always... I really do want to be free of the anger and resentment. ...I do try. And I do love my husband, but I never would have dreamed to have the struggles we have with the kids and BM... I am regretful to say that I constantly think of the time the kids are 18 but also try to remember that if I stay strong and supportive that maybe one day they will see that I was always there when their mom wasn't and maybe they will see she is not the saint they believe her to be... not that I want that sadness in their hearts, but I just want the recognition and appreciation and acknowledgement I guess... is that wrong??



Melanie.  I feel the exact same way you do.  And I mean exact.  Sounds like we have similar situations.  And it's nice to know someone else is struggling with the same problems as me.  Like you, I am so grateful that I got my amazing baby boy out of the marriage. 

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2009

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At this point I don't think I would do it again.  Well, that's sounds terrible.  I love the kids. But dealing with their mother is terrible.  My husband never wants to confront her on anything that she does wrong...he doesn't feel like arguing with her.  Most of the time I feel like I am the only parent in the situation.  Both don't want to be bothered with school issues and such.  It is not my responsibility to raise these children.  I am here to help, but their bio parents should be the ones making the decisions for them.  Yet, it is all on me.  On the other hand if I didn't marry my husband I wouldn't have my BEAUTIFUL 9 month old son.  He is the most important person in my life.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love him so much I can't even put it in words.  So, I guess I wouldn't change anything.  Because I got my amazing son out of it.  And the youngest is 10 so only about 8 more years of putting up with that woman.  OH and Melanie I agree with you.  I want the recognition too.  I am tired of her being up high on a pedistal when I am the one doing everything in the world for them.  So maybe others will think you are wrong, but I totally agree with you. 

Melanie - posted on 03/31/2009

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Yes and No.

Yes because I have a beautiful, happy, silly, and behaved baby boy of my own out of our marriage... and yes if the BM wasn't involved...

BUT I would definately say NO if I didn't have my son.

I am not strong enough most days to deal with the BM. My husband supports me, and I LOVE HIM! ...but the children are so loyal to their BM... and we can't tell them the things she does or says... as it isn't appropriate to talk about a childs mother to them.

I try to do everything I can for my 2 step children, but they never say "thank-you" or acknowledge anything I do for them... plus they don't get that most of the things we do for them are things that their BM has failed to do...and again, it isn't appropriate for us to point that out and talk about their BM to them.

The children are JUST like their BM...selfish, manipulative, and feel that things are owed to them and that they are the victim when they don't get what they want..... but without the BM's influence, I know they could be better people and so like I said before, I would not have any regrets if the BM wasn't involved.

I try and try to remember it is just about "being there" for the kids, but it is sooo very hard to not have resentments and frustration towards them because of their BM's actions or their inherited behaviors.

I have made the choice so I must stand by it. The kids love my son so very much and I do not want a broken family. I seek to this on-line group for the strength and the relief I get from hearing other people struggling with the BM. I wish I could feel at peace and be strong always... I really do want to be free of the anger and resentment. ...I do try. And I do love my husband, but I never would have dreamed to have the struggles we have with the kids and BM... I am regretful to say that I constantly think of the time the kids are 18 but also try to remember that if I stay strong and supportive that maybe one day they will see that I was always there when their mom wasn't and maybe they will see she is not the saint they believe her to be... not that I want that sadness in their hearts, but I just want the recognition and appreciation and acknowledgement I guess... is that wrong??

Dawn - posted on 03/31/2009

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Considering my marriage is seriously on the rocks at this moment, yes, I would do it all over again. 



If we do decide to divorce, I know that because of what I have been thru I am smarter and know FOR SURE not to put a man in my life that does not have any control or bounderies over his BM.  



This experience has made me stronger and smarter and I do not regret one minute of it.



I love my husband and his boys dearly.  With that said, I'm home with my kids and without any woman stirring shit in my life.  And that feels good!!!



No looking back only ahead...  with hope and excitement.

Teresa - posted on 03/30/2009

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Yes.



That's today's answer. Tomorrow might be different!



Actually, it was way worse in the beginning - 8 years ago. Now I have my own child, and SS is older. And BM isn't a dumb as she used to be.



Because of my experience, I tell my single friends not to get involved with anyone who has children from a previous relationship. Who wants to deal with someone's ex for the next umpteen years? or forever in some cases.

Rebecca - posted on 03/30/2009

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Quoting Megan:

We had a vasectomy reversal that failed and have tried IVF with no success. This adds another element of stress to the Step thing. I love his children and him but I did not ever believe that marrying into this situation would prevent me from having my own children. So, at this point that I am helping raise someone elses children but can't have any of my own, due primarily to his choices prior to my entering the picture, is especially difficult.



Hi there Megan.  I can honestly say I feel your pain.  My DH had 1 daughter when we married then we found out a few months after we married that I have PCOS & had less than a 5% chance of conceiving a child.  DH wasn't really all that worried as he already had a child so he had no idea how it felt to me to have those dreams dashed.  It got to the point for me that I wanted nothing to do with SD as everytime I looked at her it was like rubbing salt into the wound.  Didn't help that DH had bragged on numerous occasions how SD was conceived 'first time out of the bag'.  Made me feel like a failure.  I did a lot of praying, as did my family.  It was hard not to resent DH as he didn't seem to give a damn.  I am now blessed with 2 beautiful children.  There is hope.

Selene - posted on 03/29/2009

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Yup... As i love my husband and step son very much. It really has been a big learning process for myself which i believe will help when my husband and i have more kids. My step son is an amazing child who i have helped and watch grow in the the teenager he is becoming. Along with that i got lucky all his parents (4 of us in total) are grown up enough to put his needs first. We all actually took a family vacation together this year to Disneyland. So would i still go for it  you Bet... :)

Rebecca - posted on 03/29/2009

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Hell NO. Hindsight is a great thing, wish I had it at the time I got together with my DH. Never would have started anything. Part of me will always be grateful I married him as I have 2 beautiful children but I hate being a stepmum. I'm just an unpaid babysitter that gets walked all over. Not so much by SD but by my DH & BM. Of course it didn't start until after we married & I became a mum myself which then made it too late to back out

Jaime - posted on 03/29/2009

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I wouldn't trade my SS for anything, but I am giving all the drama that comes along with it for FREE. Any takers?????? LOL

Megan - posted on 03/29/2009

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I don't know. My husband had a vasectomy after his two boys were born. He was divorced 1 year later. That was about 9 years ago. We have been together for 8, married for almost 4. We agreed that we wanted to have children together. We had a vasectomy reversal that failed and have tried IVF with no success. This adds another element of stress to the Step thing. I love his children and him but I did not ever believe that marrying into this situation would prevent me from having my own children. So, at this point that I am helping raise someone elses children but can't have any of my own, due primarily to his choices prior to my entering the picture, is especially difficult.

Dayna - posted on 03/29/2009

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Like many others that have commented I have thought about this myself.   There are times that I just want to pull my hair out because I just don't understand my SD attitude with everything.  I honestly believe that she tries to make me mad.   I know that she loves my husband and me getting into it.   I don't get it at all!   I love her dearly and would do anything for her but she makes this very difficult!   BUT I know I am the only thing that she has.  Hopefully she will realize when older that I am not being mean but only trying to help her get farther in life!

Kim - posted on 03/29/2009

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Absolutly!!! I have a now 17 year old and an older stepson who passed away last year. The beggining was soooo hard but over the course of 12 years it has gotten easier. I love and miss my boys.

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/29/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Most days I still think I would've made the same choice.  But, there are those days when I just want to say to him, "They're your kids.  I'm outta here."





i have more of "im out of here days"

Heather - posted on 03/28/2009

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well in the last few weeks ive really thought about it.. i dont think i regret being a sm but i would have done alot differant from the start.

Nicole - posted on 03/28/2009

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I definitely would have done it.



What I have found that works best is to make it a team effort with your husband. That's what we do. We have 3 total, 2 are biologically mine and 1 is my step-son. We team up in everything and help each other out as often as possible. We don't consider them his kids or your kids, they are "our" kids. Yes it's difficult with the ex's in there trying to do what bitter ex's do best, but we also have a game plan for that. We only talk to the ex's regarding our kids, and anything negative that they have to say about our significant others, is irrelavant and worthy of speaking to the dial tone.

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2009

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Most days I still think I would've made the same choice.  But, there are those days when I just want to say to him, "They're your kids.  I'm outta here."

Sherri - posted on 03/27/2009

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Quoting Beck:



to be honest I really have no idea if I would have. I was young and naive and thought I had it all worked out, thinking how hard could it be? Well boy was I wrong. I was 20 when I got married and got a 7 year old step son out of it. He isn't a difficult child and he likes me but being a step mum having to deal with someone that old and not having them from birth like my own. I really couldnt say if I would or not but I think about it and I love my husband so much I couldnt live without him and since the step mum role comes with being his wife I have to learn to deal with it. I know its sad but sometimes I think thank goodness its only 7 more years now til he can choose where he wants to be and I reckon he'll pick his mum as he is an only child there with us he has to compete with his dad having a wife and his 15 month old sister and new brother or sister coming in may.






I really want to love being a step mum... but I can't... I take it as it comes and somedays just wish it wasn't like this






I thought the same when my ss was 7 (his mom walked on water in his eyes) - he lives 75% of the time with us and really only sees his BM out of a sense of duty - boys need to be with their dads as they get older.  Don't feel guilty about the countdown - my own son is the oldest and I have been counting since he hit high school!  lol  I look into my sd eyes as we talk about boys or the laughter in my ss when we watch a scarry movie together and wouldn't change a thing! Well - truth be told I'd make the BM nicer and more stable.

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2009

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Most days I still think I would've made the same choice.  But, there are those days when I just want to say to him, "They're your kids.  I'm outta here."

[deleted account]

Melanie,

My older two step sons did that to my first son. I caught some of it, but what I didn't see grieves me. They have all grown past it and have asked his forgiveness. They really regret the things they did, but I couldn't stop it all. That part hurts. My husband favored them as well and never controlled them. I did the discipline and still do. You are going to have to stay on top of him. How old is he?

Dominate him. Guard dog your kids. Redirect the boy and demand of your husband. He is going to have to assist you in correcting this or you might have serious problems depending on the age of the boy. It means you have to be the tough one, but we are lionesses when it comes to our children and accomplish amazing things.

This is not just a divorce issue, I have had it happen between my own kids as well and have to had to teach them repeatedly (they can probably tell you the exact wording!) that their siblings are the only people that last a lifetime with you and they can make them their best friends or their worst enemies.

I am proud to say my kids are all best friends and now that the older ones are trained I think the lesson is being passed on to the rest without my constant supervision.

Melanie - posted on 03/27/2009

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I can honestly say no. What really gets me is that even if my husband and I got divorced I would take my step-son with me. My step-son drives me up a wall, is very disrespectful and has even tried to hurt me several times. Yet I know that I am the only one who cares enough to make sure his homework is done, teeth are brushed, etc. I worry that my daughter doesn't get enough attention becaus ei am always having to deal with my step-son and my husband shows obvious favortism. Now we are expecting a baby in a few months and I am really worried about him hurting the baby out of jealousy. He has hurt my daughhter more times than I can count - usually because his father was paying attention to her.

[deleted account]

There are results! Hang in there! I fully understand.

just spent over an hour online chatting with my oldest son who is my step son. He is 25 and I so adore him now. I did not think I would live through him though. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stand strong and do not bend the rules while you are in charge. my two step sons are now 23 and 25 and they are men now and I love them so much. They know I was what pulled them through and both of the love me. I still sacrifice for their mother, but I am also honored for that sacrifice by all my children and my husband. You will earn that honor too.

Kyla - posted on 03/27/2009

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I have been with my man for a year and a half and he came along with a three year old when we meet. Xander, my step son, is turning five at the end of May and we have almost split several times because of it. I honestly don't know if I would do it again, because without Reagan, my man, I would not have my beautiful son, but without him I would have ab it more sanity. Xander cries and whines and throws temper tantrums everywhere because his mother lets him do what he wants and Reagan and I are trying to work out a basic rule outline for this child (Angelus is only three months and doesn't understand much except eating, filling his pants and seeing how loud his voice can go, but he will be there one day). I love Reagan and Xander, and I couldn't have one without the other. I think it will only get to be more challenging, because I'll be twenty with a five year old son who loves his mother because of her lack of everything. But I think it was a good growing process for me to prepare for my own son at such a young age with an older man. So ultimately, there are days I wish I could go back to beign a careless teen, but there are days when Xander just appreciates everything I do for him and this family that I wish it would always last (which is does until Xander throws another rock through my car window).

[deleted account]

Absolutely NOT


That said...I am amazed at the results of my hours of work, tears and prayers have produced. If you are in it do not give up. If you are considering it be very, very aware that this is a BIG job demanding of you with little payback in it and ofter you will be the villain. But the end results can be a real blessing!

Heather - posted on 03/27/2009

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There used to be a lot of days when I asked myself that same question and the answer has always been yes. After 4 years of marriage to DH, 3 SKS and 2 ex-wives, I think that I have grown a very tough skin and let a lot of things go. I used to have this grand delusion of how I thought my blended family needed to be. My parents are divorced and have remarried so I have had step-dads and a step-mom. I have talked to all of the kids (including the BS) about how difficult blended families can be and that their dad and I are here for them no matter what. My ex has nothing to do with our son and so my DH has stepped up to the plate as the dad. My husband is my best friend and we have a great marriage. Sure there are bumps in the road and we get frustrated with each other but every relationship has thoughs. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

Angela - posted on 03/27/2009

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Me too. I thought I was weird or insane untill I found i was not alone. And it isnt about decisions, but about haveing room to speak my mind, gathering my strength amongst the support of likeminded women and acting to change what is within my power to change. I wanna say thanks too.

Di - posted on 03/27/2009

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Yes Angela, it has. But I really enjoy reading all the different stories and I think how blessed we all are to have this forum to share with ppl who understand our worst thoughts and feelings. Before I found CoM and step moms I dealt with most of the bm and sk nightmares on my own, not having anyone else who understood to share this with. So often b/c no one else really understands I found myself believing that I was the worst person out and that no one else thought like I did. I was totally alone and struggling. And my darling husband, was the worst offender. How nice to come to a place where other women are dealing with the same problems and who can truly say they know what I am going thru.



Thank you all, you have helped me immensely. Not by helping me to come to any decisions or anything like that. Just knowing that I am not alone, wow, how great is that!

Angela - posted on 03/26/2009

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Hi Di, Oh the wisom of hindsight!! this post has opened quite a can of worms hasnt it??

Cynthia - posted on 03/26/2009

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In a heartbeat! The ex of my (now ex) husband was a nightmare, in and out of my (step)son's life and in and out with child support, on and off drugs . . . But the relationship I was able to develop with my (step)son is so fantastic - he is truly my child in my heart - that I would never imagine going back and changing anything.

Barb - posted on 03/26/2009

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Hell NO!   My husband has 3 from a previous marriage and we had 4 together.  All 7 kids are his yet when the 3 are here visiting they can do no wrong and he treats our 4 as if they can do no right.  Example...When his daughter was 12 she took off a poopy diaper of our 6 month old at the same time our 3 year old was eating a corn muffin and getting crumbs on the floor. Now which would you rather clean up poop or crumbs.  Nothing was said or anything to the 12 year old who took a poopy diaper on and didn't wipe the butt and let her crawl around but the three year old caught hell.  He yelled at her as if a few crumbs were too hard to clean up.  He is a slob on top of that.  Things like this go on constantly and my heart can't take it.  I have tried over and over to tell him how different he treats the kids but it does no good.  I love my step kids with all my heart but I dread when they come over because of the difference in how he treats them all. I could go on and on .  I really wish I would have ran the other way.

Amber - posted on 03/26/2009

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I look back and say what if, over and over again, but now that my SD if older it is getting better, but the things that i have gone through with the BM and her new husband are so not right and it just sends me over the edge and i see the pain my husband goes through and its not right, so although i think about it when the times are hard the good times are wonderful so i guess to only hope there is that pot of gold at the end of this rainbow and im thinking its when she turns 18...lol

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