If you had of known at the beginning what you were in for, would you still have done it?

Di - posted on 03/22/2009 ( 127 moms have responded )

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My question is if you had of known how hard and how much work being a sm is, would you still make the choice to become a sm?

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Becky - posted on 03/25/2009

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Its hard to say if I would or wouldn't do it all over again. I was 20 when I met my husband and his 4 kids. His youngest was 3 at the time. Things seemed to move really quickly with us and eventhough we have only been married 3 years-together for 6- I sometimes regret my decisions. Now that I have a son of my own and we have 2 of his kids living with us full time and things are finally getting straightened out and our life is starting to take a turn for the better.I am enjoying our family. And I love all of my sk like they are my own, even the ones that don't live with us.

Valerie - posted on 03/25/2009

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as hard as it is YES i would do it again.  I love my life and the people in it - and if that past wouldnt have happened - i would not have a future

Jessi - posted on 03/25/2009

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It's tough. I think I would do it again, although there are times when I feel like I might not be cut out for this.  I think for a long time I was SUCH a wimp, but now I'm to the point where "my house, my rules!" and if you don't like it....don't come! That sounds harsher than I mean for it to, but I can't have different rules for one kid than the other two.  It's important to be a little bit flexible, but you have to stand your ground and have somewhat of a spine to do this, I think.

Jentry - posted on 03/25/2009

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This is such a hard question to answer. If i had known who my husband really was before we got married; i would have to say i would not have married him and taken on to step daughters. I have two step daughters and one bio-son and a bio-daughter on the way. So i am in this for the long haul. I have to say that I adore my step-daughters and if they were not in the picture at this point i do not think that i would still be married; although, it has taken a long time to get here.  They are a big reason for me to stay. I love them dearly and they love me and there half siblings. They are truly a blessing.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/25/2009

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Quoting Heather:

Yes, I would do it again. However, I would have set more guidilines as to what I would put up with.. ex. BM calling my hubby in the middle of the night needing milk, BM asking Hubby to drive his car.
Just things like that...
It took my hubby years to speak up to her and now, I would have done my best to avoid all of that.


Yeah... until my Step son's mother finally found a new man, she drove me crazy with calls every night and calling me to tell me that my husband still loved her... just a bunch of crap.  He didn't do anything about it at the time and it caused a lot of tension, but it's getting better!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/25/2009

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Quoting Amanda:

Yes and No! First off I love my husband very dearly. He is my bestfriend. Him an I met when his daughter was only 9 months old. She was a perfect lil bundle. Then she started calling me mommy an all hell broke loose. Her mother mad up stories so I would look like a bad person an she called childrens aid on me twice. Both times cases were closed because of false accusations. Now My SD mother got into the heads of my husbands family an now my SD is no longer allowed to be around me. Its a horrible situation that Im bringing to court. I miss my SD she has been a huge part of my life an who I have become. Shes the reason Im the mother Iam today! an it breaks my heart because she has a brother whom shes not allowed to see anymore either. So the only thing I would change is I wish I was her biological mother. So she wouldnt have to go through this. I love you Hailey


I feel your pain, Amanda!  Hang in there.  It is so tough!!!

Amanda - posted on 03/25/2009

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Yes and No! First off I love my husband very dearly. He is my bestfriend. Him an I met when his daughter was only 9 months old. She was a perfect lil bundle. Then she started calling me mommy an all hell broke loose. Her mother mad up stories so I would look like a bad person an she called childrens aid on me twice. Both times cases were closed because of false accusations. Now My SD mother got into the heads of my husbands family an now my SD is no longer allowed to be around me. Its a horrible situation that Im bringing to court. I miss my SD she has been a huge part of my life an who I have become. Shes the reason Im the mother Iam today! an it breaks my heart because she has a brother whom shes not allowed to see anymore either. So the only thing I would change is I wish I was her biological mother. So she wouldnt have to go through this. I love you Hailey

Elizabeth - posted on 03/25/2009

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I would have still. I love my step son to death. His mom is horrible and we will probably never get along. My husband is way too easy on her for how she treats us. The experience with her has been far less than perfect, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Heather - posted on 03/25/2009

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Yes, I would do it again. However, I would have set more guidilines as to what I would put up with.. ex. BM calling my hubby in the middle of the night needing milk, BM asking Hubby to drive his car.

Just things like that...

It took my hubby years to speak up to her and now, I would have done my best to avoid all of that.

Angela - posted on 03/25/2009

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well thats right deb and i agree that it all makes me who I am. and who i am would think a little harder if there is ever a next time. its not just the being a step mother without meeting my step son..Its also intoducing a step father to a girl who has not lived with a male in our house since she was 1yr old. she was 13 when we married. No dad stuff except her once a week o/n frid after school till sat 10am every week visit. Not much input there. So her dealing with a stepdad who has not raised a teenage girl is a frigging nightmare at times. He has no concept of how important it is that the fake tan lines dont show. He treats her like she is being silly. But if franks soccer boots are a little big its the end of the world. Its just the difference between boys and girls at puberty and SD doesnt get it. She gets frustrated and I feel for her because we were a house of girls. I rolemodeled total non male feminism and then met someone i wanted to marry. so would i do it again???? so glad i cant tell the future. But i can learn from the wisdom of hindsight.

Debbie - posted on 03/24/2009

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Di, I dont know if I would or not! there is alot of things in our lives that if we had of made a different choice then we wouldnt be where we are now! So I guess I would do it all over again if it bought me to where I am now, even with the heart ache and the crap I still think I have become a better person because of it. Besides the obvious I wouldnt have the family I have now!!

Memori - posted on 03/24/2009

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Well I can’t so much say I would or wouldn’t do it again but I defiantly would have rethought a few things first!!!  Please don’t get me wrong I LOVE my boys – ALL MY BOYS (I have 2 blood and one step) but lately I have been thinking about the picture as a whole!  With the drama (which is a true understatement!!!) from not only his ex & but my ex can completely where you down.  To top all my step son was not raised with the same standards as I my boys where (I mean even basic hygiene is not in the picture still at 13)  My hubby and I see things eye to eye for the most part – yet I guess you call them ex because you no longer see the same?  I do feel that the boys are put at a different standard in my house only because I put my boys there.  I can’t say I give up on my stepson, yet I am at the point I feel I guilt either way…



We have had a blended family for three years now and for the most part we all get along well – I know my boys feel that James (my hubby) is enforcer on the relationship – I know that the boys do know how to work me and I also know each one has such a different personality that really teenagers are just a breed of their own!!!  Yet I do feel guilt.  I know in my stepsons eyes I get onto him more or I am constantly having to take him by the hand an show him how to do something and it has to bother him when he sees that I don’t do it to the other 2 but in my defense I did show the other 2 how to do these things years ago (mind you really all three are within a year of age!) I don’t know how to fix this – any suggestions? (I’ll give examples – my step doesn’t brush his teeth, comb his hair or put on deodorant – you must tell his everything otherwise he will only do the things that are mentioned!  Mind you he is 13.  My 13 & 12 year olds have been grooming them self for 7 plus years without being told!  I also have to physically reshow him how to wash a dish, do a load of laundry or even fold a towel – even thought he had been in my house for 3 years and again I haven’t had to show my boys for 5 plus years)



Talk about throwing that out there – any suggestions would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! 



O getting back to the would I in the end - James and I can set back in the evening on the porch and look out over the pond and say a million words without speaking at all – that is when I know it is worth it – every moment, every battle, tear & laugh!  It’s worth it!!!!

Manon - posted on 03/24/2009

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yes I would do it again. Because when they look at you and say I love you it even more special because they don't have to love you

Beth - posted on 03/24/2009

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i also want to add that for my two oldest step sons, ages 17 and 15, i am not their first step mom...i will be their dad's 3rd wife....

Beth - posted on 03/24/2009

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I have yet to get married as well so I must be the SM-in training...I have 6 soon to be stepchildren...5 boys and 1 girl!!!!! in Total we have 6 boys and 3 girls together. I WOULD NOT TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD...i love all our children with asll my heart and would give my life for all 9

Janine - posted on 03/24/2009

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You bet I would! I now have the best of both worlds! I have 6 beautiful children and only had to go through labor for 2! There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss them when they are not with me! I get to be there for all of the fun and scary things and I get alot of hugs and I Love you's! Why would I ever give that up!? :)

Alicia - posted on 03/24/2009

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I love being a SM, I love my ss just as much as I love my bio girls. He gets the same treatment (actually a little better since he doesn't live w/ us and he's 16 he get perks the girls dont get). I am a very fortunate person because the bm is pretty awesome too. There are 4 of us bio mom, bio dad, me and bio mom boyfriend but they have been together for as long as my hubby and I have been together (about 10 years). We decided a long time ago anything dealing w/ Jake was left up to mom and dad, boyfriend and I are there for support to eachother and the child. Mom is VERY considerate and we are able to handle situations as adults. When a problem does arise it is handled and squashed & not brought up again.



I think I was very much blessed with my particular situation. Good luck to all step-moms out there.

Ana Maria - posted on 03/24/2009

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Being a SM has his challenges, but that make us stronger and wiser. I sometimes dislike the fact that my husband has a past with BM and we are connected forever, but when I see my son looking at his sister's eyes with so much adoration and the way she takes care of her baby brother... I raise my head to heaven and pray for our happiness and blessings.

Ruth - posted on 03/24/2009

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When I met my husband my SS was 3 and honestly, I did not even like kids, I just REALLY liked my husband. And, my SS did not like me at all the first time we met...I guess he knew...hahaha If you had asked me this question 7-9 years ago I probably would have said, "Heck No!" but after making some of my own life changes about 6 1/2 years ago, I could not imagine life any other way!!! My SS is 13 now, plus we have 3 daughters of our own, 5,3, and 10 months. The BM also has a 5 year old w/ her now, ex-husband.  My SS is quite well adjusted for the split family life and a very good kid. He has always been obedient and easy-going. Its really just in the last year that some attitude has started to rear its ugly head (thanks puberty!!!)  But, when he gets that way we don't argue, just send him to his room until he wants to stop....a little bit later he comes back upstairs and apologizes and is able to communicate how he feels. He is probably 85% loving older bro and 15% annoyed older bro, so pretty normal I think.



So, to sum up, YES I would totally do it again!!  my SS is awesome and I don't know what his little sisters would do w/o their "Bubby."



 



 

Beck - posted on 03/23/2009

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to be honest I really have no idea if I would have. I was young and naive and thought I had it all worked out, thinking how hard could it be? Well boy was I wrong. I was 20 when I got married and got a 7 year old step son out of it. He isn't a difficult child and he likes me but being a step mum having to deal with someone that old and not having them from birth like my own. I really couldnt say if I would or not but I think about it and I love my husband so much I couldnt live without him and since the step mum role comes with being his wife I have to learn to deal with it. I know its sad but sometimes I think thank goodness its only 7 more years now til he can choose where he wants to be and I reckon he'll pick his mum as he is an only child there with us he has to compete with his dad having a wife and his 15 month old sister and new brother or sister coming in may.



I really want to love being a step mum... but I can't... I take it as it comes and somedays just wish it wasn't like this

Jacquelynn - posted on 03/23/2009

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There are days when I know I made the right decision. But lately there are more days that I question it. I know that God has put me in their life to be a mother to them but I wonder if it's too late.  I have two BSs, two SSs and on BD with my DH. My SSs BM moved out of state and it has caused more stress in my house. Outside of that fact they have never been instructed on responsibility. They are 12 /14 and I constantly get on them about the simplest things. They are doing better than when they came, but geez how many times do I have to show them how to sweep a floor, or clean the dishes or bathroom. The problem is my oldest BS has become lazy being around them. I can't punish the SSs for not being raised, but I can't punish him because they don't do. Last week I came to the conclusion that maybe they're just trying to drive me crazy enough to leave!! It is definitely a job and at this moment I don't know that the end is worth it. I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEE  my husband and wouldn't trade him for gold. 

Jacquelynn - posted on 03/23/2009

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There are days when I know I made the right decision. But lately there are more days that I question it. I know that God has put me in their life to be a mother to them but I wonder if it's too late.  I have two BSs, two SSs and on BD with my DH. My SSs BM moved out of state and it has caused more stress in my house. Outside of that fact they have never been instructed on responsibility. They are 12 /14 and I constantly get on them about the simplest things. They are doing better than when they came, but geez how many times do I have to show them how to sweep a floor, or clean the dishes or bathroom. The problem is my oldest BS has become lazy being around them. I can't punish the SSs for not being raised, but I can't punish him because they don't do. Last week I came to the conclusion that maybe they're just trying to drive me crazy enough to leave!! It is definitely a job and at this moment I don't know that the end is worth it. I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEE  my husband and wouldn't trade him for gold. 

Shannon - posted on 03/23/2009

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Ya I love my Step Daughter. I just wish her mom would stay out of My SO and my personal life.

Kristine - posted on 03/22/2009

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I have asked myself that question a million times.It is easy to think that I wouldn't have when my step daughter is causing trouble between my hubby and I , but when it comes down to it I just couldn't live without him.There are times that she makes things so difficult and I get so exhuasted that I just want to throw my hands up with her and stop trying , but in the end that only makes things worse.Truth is it seems like everyday things just get harder and harder with her , but I hope that in the end if I can just persevere that it will make us a stronger family unit,

Jamie - posted on 03/22/2009

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Yes, I am happy to be a step mom and as annoying as BM is I wouldnt change anything. I love my husband, he is my best friend and we have the same parenting style and attitude on things. I am some what emotional and over analyze things and he is the voice of reason. The drama of being a step mom is well worth being his wife. Luckily BM and DH were never married, never lived together nothing so I dont have to deal with having her stuff in my house or anything liek that.

Kenna - posted on 03/22/2009

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I have not become the "official" SM yet. We still have to get married but there is nothing that my soon to be step sons or their mother could do to make me want to change my mind. My blended family and I are going through some rough times right now becuase of the BM but in the end it will only make us a stronger unit.

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