If you only knew then what you know now...

Janine - posted on 12/03/2010

NO!!!!!
I have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 4). Things were great until 3 weeks before we got married. His adult kids were ALWAYS with us; didn't have much to do with their mother (whom I stuck up for a lot of times when they would bitch about her). Before the wedding - wanted hubby to sign prenuptials (which I agreed to) and would have nothing to do with the wedding (I had a sand ceremony arranged). It just went from bad to worse. I do not speak to his kids at all and hubby lies about everything - his Will, his business, complains about my kids etc.
I would NOT do it again - I will be part of the statistic.

Sherri - posted on 11/30/2010

I woudl have still done it, but I would have done certain things differently that maybe would have made things easier. I wouldn't have waited until things got bad with my SS's BM-I would have put him in counselling right away.... I also wouldn't have opened up and tried to have a civil relationship with BM because that made me vulnerable for everything she ended dishing out and today, I'm just constantly angry every time I even hear BMs name mentioned.

Ashley - posted on 11/29/2010

no I wouldnt do it again! I entered into my marriage not knowing of my SS ( my husband didnt find out he had a son until the child was almost 5) and I really would have said NO when my SS's bio-mom asked us to take custody just a few short months later. My SS has many issues as well as major behavior problems and I hate to say it but sometime I wish my hubby never found out about his son.

Louise - posted on 11/28/2010

yes, I am blessed with an amazing step-daughter and loving husband.

Skyla - posted on 11/28/2010

I love my husband deerly but if I would have known what a nightmare life would be NO I would not do it again. It's not my step children that are the probllem it's the ex wife so I has nothing to do with the kids and eveything to do with the kids. But anyhow My husband and I have been married 10 years so i don't see that chanding anytime soon!

Phollie - posted on 11/27/2010

Definitely NOT! If only I've known the consequences that would happen i think i'll have to think about it over and over again. It's good if your husband really understands your point but the hardest part is if your spouse used to side on your stepchildren that would be the start of arguments or worst break up. I think your relationship would be just fine if your husband would listen to both sides of the story but if not, ask God to guide you on the best possible solution because for sure it's a very lonely road you'll be heading into.

Raysha - posted on 11/26/2010

I would do it over and over again. My husband has 5 children, I have one, and we have one together. All of his children love me and my daughter loves him. I am some what different, we only have custody of my 3 year old and our 7 month old. But we get two every other weekend. I love them all so very much. I just can't say that enough. I am very blessed that they all love me. :)

Claudette - posted on 11/18/2010

Ladies
I must say that my heart goes out to you all. Thank you for sharing what is in your hearts and in your thoughts. When we have the freedom to express what we feel, in a safe and non-judgmental environment, it gives us room for us to personally explore our own lives. Asking ourselves if we would do what we've done is a good practice because it allows us to see where we would change in the future. I am working on creating a special report with what you have shared, giving some tips to help with some of these challenges. Let me know if you are interested in getting it. I will email you the details.
I appreciate everyone of your comments and I look forward to reading more.

Mindy - posted on 11/06/2010

i can relate to what everyone has said good and bad, i have been married to my wonderful hubby for 6 years. we have been thru it all to, all 4 of our kids were just entering the teen years when we got married. i was niave to,thought we would be one big happy family. It doesnt work that way. But the one thing i have told my 2 kids, he has 2 i have 2 is u cant pick who u fall in love with. I fell in love with my husband, would it have been better to wait till they were all grown. probably but thats just not how it happened. kids grow up and leave, your husband or wife is thier for life, so endure the trials of life and teens and kids and at the end it is worth it. Our oldest is on his own, one is a sophmore one a junior one a 8th grader. But one rule in our home is thier is not his or hers, thier all our kids, good and bad. i dont just have 2 kids i have 4 . and we both maintian that attitude from the day we got married .Sure thier is trials, my youngest decided she didnt like our rules, so at 16 she moved in with her dad who has no rules and she gets alot more freedom. But niether me or my husband bribe our kids with special favors. Our rules are our rules they dont change for each kid. our oldest 2 have decided after us being mean parents for 5 years that we are pretty cool now. My son just recently told me marrying jeff was the smartest thing ive ever done, and my stepdaughter finally after 5 years refered to me as her stepmom on a recent outing and has given me quite a few hugs lately. i guess all i can say is stay consistent love them all equal and most important love each other. bc like i said eventually they do grow up and leave lol

Michelle - posted on 11/03/2010

I have been a SS for 7years to three boys. I feel that my life has been enriched becasue of the boys. With that said, my life has also been turned upside down and full of drama and stress because of the BM. I probably would not have done it had I known what was in store for me with the BM battles but I am gratefull for my relationship with the kids.

Tara Lee - posted on 11/02/2010

I would do it all again, although there are things I would have done differently. I love my husband and I love our children. I have been a step-parent of 2 for 16 years (and Bio mom of 2 for 2 years) with a lot of ups and some very hard downs, but they say love concerns all. In my case it does! I almost left a couple of times but I'm so happy I stayed...I wouldn't have my children if I had left.

Although I do not recommend step-parenting for everyone. It is a hard job and is not always rewarding. But every situation is different and there are a lot of factors to take into consideration when contemplating entering in to a relationship involving children and exes.

Chrissy - posted on 10/28/2010

Yes, I would. I knew what I was getting myself into when I got with my bf, I have stood by him thru everything that he has had to deal with, just like he has stood by my side when I had problems with my oldest's daughter's father. We both picked some "winners" but we both are strong willed and will not back down. I think that it has made our relationship stronger knowing that we can trust in each other to be there when we need them the most.

Mandie - posted on 10/27/2010

I'm with you on this one Megan. Some days it's just not worth it.

Tanya - posted on 10/24/2010

My husband and I were just recently discussing this and I gotta say I'm with Miranda on this one. A big resounding NO. I did so many things wrong, did not take care of myself, was used by BM, feel my kids lost out on soo many things. I have resentments galore! So now I am working on changing things and forgiveness.

Amy - posted on 10/21/2010

ted with my fiancee I am so with you on this I started with my fiancee when I was 22 him 35 now Im 28 him 40 and his kids 18 and 15.. I would run if we didnt now have a 2 year old.. I love him so much but it has been way to much stress I DIDNT need and dont.. and I feel our daughter pays for it at times..

Amy - posted on 10/21/2010

very true!

Amy - posted on 10/21/2010

that sounds like my situation I have 15 and 18 yrs old girl step daughters.. one is his by blood the other isnt 18 yr old but he has takin care of her since she was 18 mnths..(hasnt been w mom since 5) but she puts us way more me through hell always drama always need of attention and if her father n i or us n her sister are getting along she makes sure wer not by throwin a fit n getting in middle.. and their mom a unresponsible nightmare! when kids do wrong they run to mom and mom calls yelling and is always on their side no matter what they do...and the mom exspects him to do everything for the 18 yr old and he doese no ty for takin care of my kid and no gratitude from kid either...we have them every other week for a week it was weekend and he changed it we have been doing this for like 3 years what a bad idea!

Amy - posted on 10/21/2010

no I would neve ever get involved with a man that has kids... I am curently with a man that has a 15 and 18 year old and Im going through hell and have been for 4 years... we also now have a almost 2 year old so Im kinda stuck

Amber - posted on 10/19/2010

I didnt know personally of course what it was like to be a stepmom..but ive heard the challenges not only wth the children but from the BM as well...I have not had any issues with the kids resenting me (yet...lol..they are only 4 and 5) but I have had quite a bit of issues from their BM...however if I knew I still would have gone on with it..I love kids and those kids in particular, not to mention my husband. When we have our big ceremony (he is in the military so we just did the justice of peace thing) our unity candle will have their names on it as well as ours and we will do a little lighting ceremony with them as well!!! I think the hardest part (other than the BM) is the fact that they are not my kids...my husband can not have any more children (unless we wanted to spend mega bucks which we still might...lol) and I struggle with that from time to time..mostly when the kids are with us..the kids love me so I am grateful for that..I am glad the BM does not make me out to be a bad guy in front of them. We have had our fair share of issues that is for sure (me and the BM) but we always get through it..we have managed to put aside our differences and get along, even if it is just for now...

Donna - posted on 10/16/2010

well you are right 66% of blended families dont make it thru the first 5 years and to me this only means one thing....the blended parents are not on the same page when it comes to treating the kids all the same a disaplining them all the same...also backing each other when one disaplins....weather you agree with that decision or not. there is a time and place to discuss that, (not in front of the kids)

I met my hubby to be when my son was 3 now 5, SS is 7 and SD is 5 also....we also have a 17 month old. one thing I can say for sure I wouldnt take back what I have I love my family to bits, yes things get very hard at times as my DH works 7 days with no break thru the spring, leaving me to be the one who deals with 4 children on my own. But the answer to the question is no I would not have got involved with this kind of dynamics....it is the hardest thing a woman can go thru...the only thing that gets me the most is when hubby and I say no to them coming extra days for reasons im not here mostly, and dads not home, I get abuse from his ex saying things like its cruel to treat kids like that and puts me in the perent () to make me feel as tho im ment to have them cuz she asks. but im not there dad and that at the end of the day is why they come here to see there dad, I take them every second weekend, even if there dad isnt here alday, so they can at least see him for a few hours. Why is that never enough for the ex... opps bit of a vent there for me i think lol

Deanna - posted on 09/13/2010

being a step mom was hard at first, and to be honest, it still is. i was never "good enough". but once i established a friendship with my step children it all changed. i would go back and do it all over again, but next time i would make it known sooner that i only intend on being their friend! also my husband and i "cohabitated" for 11 years and have been married for 2 years now! I love my stepkids, and they have given me 3 beautifull step grandchildren!

Brittany - posted on 09/13/2010

I think when it comes to being a stepmom that it wouldnt be so hard if the BMs were ok with us being here! but seems to me this is the majority of the issues! im not only a stepmom but i also have a child of my own & i treat them the same i show no favortism whatsoever. i feel like ppl need to respect us for what we do because its hard. the whole 2 seperate households comes with 2 seperate set of rules. thats what i find the hardest as far as parenting my SS. thats the only issue i have with that. now the issue with the BM is never ending! started last yr and we are still fighting over things. because she is trying to keep my SS away from us! If she was completely outta the picture and my SS lives with us full time i wouldnt change a thing! she is the reason i stress out. she is the reason i question what the hell did i get into! its sooo aggrivating!

Catherine - posted on 09/13/2010

I LOVE my stepson! I HATE his mother however. That is really the only thing that makes being a step parent so hard as far as I am concerned! It is hard, I won't deny that but I don't think I would change anything. I am married to a wonderful man and I have an awesome stepson and life isn't perfect but for the most part it is pretty good.

Stacey - posted on 09/13/2010

Wow is right! Brittany! You know, I boycotted watching "Stepmother" for a really long time. My mom said I was afraid that it would be too true for me. The truth is that I knew the movie would end happily, and I wasn't sure my story would. The reality of my circumstances was too hard to face.

As a stepmother I am expendable. They didn't have to love me, didn't have to respect me, didn't have to know me. That conditional love is hard to count on. As a mother to steps I was never good enough. Or I was good enough while they were with me but as soon as they went back I was horrible. As a second wife I was naturally uncomfortable and worried about doing anything BM did, which is close to any ex but with the kids it added extra stress. Financially, my children were considered last in the eyes of the court.

It's been 15 years. When the steps get out of the house there is a change. I have three steps and expect all of them to be different. My SS lives far away and never calls. My SD moved close and I'm happily an Ooma to her beautiful baby girl, and look forward to loving the one on the way! The youngest SS is still with BM and we haven't seen him in a year and a half. His mother told him that he is old enough to make the decision whether to visit, and that he doesn't want to.

There is a book called Stepwives by Louise Oxhorn, Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, and Marjorie Krausz. It helped me understand some feelings that I could never put into words. Though the co-parenting will never be put into place at my house it is an excellent idea! In my state you are required to take parenting classes to get a divorce. I believe that there should be a section on what to expect when there is a second marriage.

As hard as it is to say, my answer is no. But going back isn't an option. I love all my children. I love my husband. I'm in this for life.

Brittany - posted on 09/13/2010

WOW... i have asked myself the question several times "what did i get myself into" well... truth is i got myself into alot more than i thought i was. i never thought it would be as hard as it is! although! if my stepsons BM wasnt such a bitch and would give us our child when its our visit & not constantly down grade us and actually appreciate the fact that we love him and want nothing but the best for him. i thnk things would be totally different if she was on board with it all! but unfortunately she isnt at all! she constantly calls my fiance a sperm donar to her friends and talks about how my stepson doesnt like us. he is 2 and is happy as can be with us. & well she just cant stand that! Its sad because my SS is the one thats being punished and not able to see us! but i look at it this way... right now things may be tough! but KARMA will get her! & eventually everything will be ok. the outcome years from now will be GREAT when my SS knows the truth!

Tamara - posted on 09/11/2010

I would still have done it, knowing how hard it is. I think being a stepmom and having to go through it all just makes me a stronger person and a stronger mom. :)

Rachael - posted on 09/11/2010

no im in quite a mess the ex's yes there is more than one its one thing after another with the both of them and it comes down to them not having a life or a job so they think since hes now my husband i should pay them for everything even lawyers it just never stops so im at the point now where I just feel done we havent even been married for 2 years so saying 5 years just is not my reality at this point I want out before he and them just break me I already feel drained and I have 2 children myself from my ex-husband and I need to get back to taking care of them and only them they got the shit end of the stick with my choice to marry this man that dosent have anything relies on me for almost everything not for nothing but im so done and it bothers me because we also had a child so its a damn nightmare to walk in my shoes

Janan - posted on 03/18/2010

each situation is different, as mentioned above, my husband has 2 with 2 moms & we have 1 together. It's very difficult. The BM(s) are always in the way, constantly having to consult & divulge your whole life to his Ex is very annoying, I too had NO idea how difficult it would be. I can see a string of opinions with I would do it again, with wives very happy with their husband, that means a mutual respect is given & lots of consideration, love & understanding. But I really feel, that if a Husband is an ok or bad husband, then no, you wouldn't do it again. that's just my thought. You would not even THINK about "leaving" or not being in "this life" with stepkids if your Husband was a perfect husband, but if your lives together are not quite what you had in mind (with or without kids) then I think the motivations for the answers are where the statments above come from. I myself have a bit of a tough marriage. Husband loves me, but has mental issues. His children has same qualities & I am left to "clean up" after his kids, even when I have put my OWN child to bed, believe me, being a step parent is MORE work than I can handle sometimes. Especially when Husband barely helps. So, like I said before, if relationship with Hubby is really good, then most people will answer, most likely yes, they'd do it again, but if not a good relationship, then probably not. I do not think I would do it, had I known what I had to deal with. So much of my time & energy & even money has gone into lawyers & so on...and my child has totally had to go without, while his other kids get to have their own rooms & go on vacations etc..while my child hasn't seen the light of day since "birth" one day that will change, wether "he" will be in the picture or not, who knows, but no...I'd not do it again

Claudette - posted on 03/16/2010

Jodie and others. It's true that being a stepparent is the hardest thing to do. Until you are in that situation, you have no idea what you are getting yourself in. It's like giving birth. Many people will describe it but until you've gone through it, you have no idea. For some, it's a piece of cake (is this possible?) and for others, they choose to never give birth again.
Each situation is unique but there is a common feeling and that it's a lot harder than anyone thought.

Jodie - posted on 03/15/2010

Being a stepmother (or father) is incredibly hard. I know I deal with my husbands guilt at feeling like his son is being punished because of the divorce. We have always had 50 / 50 custody with no legal problems but I often feel my husband forgets he has 2 other children once my stepson arrives. He is 12 years older than his siblings and blames me for anything he didn't get as a younger child that my children receive. Nothing is ever his parents fault - always me. I however get no appreciation for anything positive. If I knew then what I know now I would not have married my husband. Of course I love him and things have improved as my stepson gains his own independence (and we only see him weekends). 15 years of tears and emotional turmoil is a large toll. Everything is complicated with stepchildren.

Nicole - posted on 03/12/2010

I still would have gotten into the relationship. There are times where I think to myself, "What have I gotten myself into????", but I wouldn't trade what I have for the world. I know every stepmom's situation is different. For every tear that I've cried in sadness, I've also cried in happiness. I love my husband and stepkids more than I can ever put into words. I put up with a lot of crap, but it's worth it. The kids and I have a very strong relationship and I can't imagine my life without them.

Gerri - posted on 03/11/2010

No!! This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I love my husband but the step kids are tearing us up.

Camille - posted on 03/10/2010

Im camille. Im 20, 21 in a few weeks. My husband is 32 and we have been married almost 2 years, We have one son together who is 1, and he has 2 children 6 and 7. He has full custody of them, and when we met, they were always with babysitters of family members, we got married when i got pregnant, and being a step parent has been a horrible experience for me, I have had the worst time adjusting. I think that I souldnt have gotten married just because I was pregnant. Dealing with stepchildren everyday is so hard for me, and I didnt ever expect for the transition to be this difficult, their mother is not in the picture she is in prison in Maryland .
I would not have married if I would have known. Although I lobe my husband dearly, its has been awful on me.

Megan - posted on 03/09/2010

Honestly, if I could go back I would not do it again. I love my husband dearly and I don't think I would ever have the connection I have with him with anyone else. But the harsh reality is that love does not solve all your problems. We're in it for the long haul now, but sometimes I think about how different my life could be.

Holly - posted on 03/09/2010

I know that I have not gone through as many issues as some of the women on here, so that may be why I am more easy going about it all. I think my having it easier really comes from the fact that our daughter's bm lives over 2600 miles away from us, and the fact that we have our daughter 90% of the time. This means that I do not have to have daily interaction with the bm while a lot of the women on this board do. Most of our issues with the bm actually stem from her LACK of participation and I think that is probably easier to deal with than the overbearing bms that I have seen through stories on here.



I was actually thinking about this earlier today (before I saw this question posted) and I mentioned to my hubby that it really could be worse and we are lucky to have it as easy as we do (in regards to the bm). We are in the process of taking her back to court again, so there's more stress right now, but normally we're pretty good and most of my issues crop up around visitation times (which are only every 3 months).

Claudette - posted on 03/09/2010

I can definitely see that for some, it was easier than others. But when it was hard, it was really hard.
I can also see that if you don't have a strong support system in place, it can be harder still.
Any comments, feedback on this?
Any more Stepmoms willing to answer the question if they only knew?

Mandie - posted on 03/09/2010

If it wasn't for the love I have for the best husband in the world and our lovely children, I would run a mile and never look back. I knew it would be hard but I had NO IDEA it would be THIS hard and the same level of drama with BM 7 yrs on as it was in the beginning

Julie - posted on 03/09/2010

I would never do it again unless the kids are grown and out of the house. We have nearly split up so many times. He has chosen his kids over our kids way too many times. (He had 2 kids who lived with us & we had 3 together.) I am still in the marriage but not really. I am just sick of being last in his life and treated like crap!! His oldest son (24) now jokes about how bad he treated me...he has apoligized for his behavior and we now get along great. The 20 year old still causes problems in my marriage...

Claudette - posted on 03/09/2010

So let me post a separate question on the board on this topic. I'd love for you to answer.

Desi - posted on 03/09/2010

miranda, I feel the same way about not being able to enjoy my own child! i feel my son has been cheated! but you are not alone! =)

Claudette - posted on 03/09/2010

Thank you Miranda for that. Most women who enter into a stepfamily relationship say they had no idea what so ever at just how hard it would be to be raising someone else's children. There needs to be very clear boundaries for everyone and consequences pre-established in order to have some sense of security in the relationship.
One of the main things that couples need to do, and this is critical in the first years is to be on the same page. That can be really hard when you don't really know each other, other than in a dating environment, to trust each others judgment. This is especially difficult when we are talking about our children. I can literally talk about this for hours...

Miranda - posted on 03/09/2010

Thanks Claudette. It's good to hear that how I feel is also how other's feel. I love my husband deeply, if it wasn't for our strong bond, I would have jumped ship. There has been immense emotional roller coaster rides which is unfortunate to say, but has stemmed from his child. Then you have to ask, is it fair for "our kids" to have to witness everyone being on eggshells and unhappy at times.

Honestly, if I would have known, I would not have done this. But now that I'm in it, we'll trudge on. It is extremely tough and the position of step mom is not easy, I seriously ask those just enetering into something like this, to really logically evaluate and look at the absolutley worst case scenarios...then decide.

Claudette - posted on 03/08/2010

Miranda
You are not harsh. You're responding the same way as about 70 to 75% of the women who were asked that same question. Most women when asked if they would marry a man who had children from a previous marriage/relationship, say no.
Of course, this is not a clear cut response. There are so many variables such as the age of the children when the relationship started, the way the divorce was handled, was there an affair or not, are the parties involved going through lots of legal and/or financial struggles?
I really value your responses and look forward to hearing more.
So keep them coming.

Miranda - posted on 03/08/2010

No. I would never do it again. That simple! It's not worth it. I envy family's that do not have to bring other children into their families and can just enjoy their own kids. May sound harsh but it's how I feel.

Susanne - posted on 03/07/2010

Thats a really hard question that i have asked myself many times and to be honest when we were really going through it with his ex and daughter i would have said no but now its all over and done with and we've come out the other side i can say i would have done a lot of things different but im glad ive got my husband and my kids.

Desi - posted on 03/06/2010

You know i have been asked that question before. An I would have to say no! No i would have not married my hubby if I had known that it would be so hard. Personal on my end it is the BM that cause all the problems. I entered this marriage thinking how hard could step-parenting be, really how hard....i was young and dumb! You get to love and spoil a child for awhile then send her/him back till the next fun time. You have the child half the time right......no sometimes you get her/him sometimes you dont then you have to go to court to get stuff set up but that dont even work! when i say it dont work its bc BM will not fallow court orders! you also get rude phone calls/text because some how everything is the stepmoms fault. I have to deal with the BM wanting my hubby back......Really they have a kid together so i put up with this crap but really how much does a stepparent have to put up with this crap, some people have no respect anymore! sorry got off track lol I love my hubby and i have put up with the stuff for 6yrs and i havent gave in to her or my marriage! I married him for better or worse. I think we have already hit our low point about 2yrs ago and things are going great now thanks to court orders but like i said then if they are fallowed! I love my family and no one will ever brake us up ever!

Casey - posted on 03/06/2010

When you marry and your husband has child(ren), you not only make a vow to love and cherish him in good times and in bad but you make those same vows to his kids and yours. I truely believe this. And we have our days where I worry about he future with my ss bc it realy does get bad sometimes. BUt I do know that one day, he will love me. It may not be until he has kids and sees the love you feel for your children. But i have faith that one day, he will love me and we will be closer than ever.

Holly - posted on 03/05/2010

I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I love my hubby so much and I love our oldest (my sd) just as much as I love my biological daughters (that my hubby and I have together). The battles and emotional extremes are totally worth it to have the two of them (and my 2 bio kids of course) in my life.



When we first met (over the internet) my hubby was very straightforward about having a daughter from a previous relationship and the fact that his daughter was with him 100% of the time. He was also VERY up front about the fact that if I felt I couldn't deal with it then to just move on and not even worry about starting a relationship with him. His daughter came first and that was that. I respected that and I thought long and hard about it before I responded to his initial email. In the end, I fell in love with him before we ever met in person (and he fell in love with me before our first face-to-face meeting as well) and when I met his daughter it was love at first sight.



It was a difficult decision to make, but I feel that when you fall in love you really have no control over who you fall in love with and all their baggage is "dealable" because you love them. :)

Casey - posted on 03/05/2010

I would have still married my husband. I love him and his son. I have a son and we have a son together. So we are very blended. But my son calls my husband daddy. And his son thinks i'm wicked! I have rules and I demand respect. My ss mother doesnt help the situation, telling him all kinds of wrong things. She's a terrible mother. We have custody. Always have. I do think I would have gone to counceling or educated myself before blending all of us. It was a shock to me. I thought we'd be one big happy famioy. I was wrong. But I have faith that one day we will be.

Heidi - posted on 03/05/2010

I would do it again. Although this last year has had many, many challenges, it has also been rewarding. I can say that if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently, I am aways learning and always getting my heart broken by the kids, including my own, but at least I have a wonderful husband that shares my frustrations and is supportive. Good Luck Ladies on this journey, try and learn and don't take life so personally.