im sick of all the crap

Becky - posted on 03/10/2009

I have 2 of my 4 step kids living with us and I also have a 4 month old. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. When we first got together we agreed that I needed to be respected and to be able to hand out appropriate punishment to the kids. One time the youngest, 3 at the time, was playing with me and I had decided it had gone far enough. Well he kept on it and I gave him a spanking. The next day when he went back to mom's house he told her. I let my husband do all the talking and Kane ended up getting spanked again. Kane is now 9 and lives with us and is very respectful.

I know what it is like. It helps to take some time for YOURSELF and talk with your husband about rules and punishment for not listening. Then the both of you sit with the kids and talk about it. Hopefully things will get easier for you.

Di - posted on 03/10/2009

Quoting Heather:

its not a single mom thing, its a i didnt grow up before i had kids and i want myself to come before them.. cuz my life is more important. i gotta have the best of everything they can do wiht out.. dont have kids if u still wanna be int he spot light

Sorry for cutting out bits in between Heather but that statement that you have made is so true. My son had to be hospitalized when he was about 18 months old for gastro. I spent most of my time at the hospital and came home for short periods to eat and have a break when he was sleeping. My sd actually asked me why don't I just leave him there and go back tomorrow? Speaks volumes about her mother, doesn't it? Or rather about her lack of mothering. Sad really.

Karla - posted on 03/10/2009

I am new to this circle of mom things, but when I saw your comment I jumped on it. Amen sister. I have a 6 year old son with my husband. We also have custody of my 13 year old step daughter. She went through a time when she didn't see her Mom, which was a great time. Now over the past 4 months my step daughter has been seeing her Mom and now after all I have done for her over the past 10 years doesn't matter. She tells me yesterday that I shouldn't be able to tell her what to do, but in the same breath asks for me to buy her summer clothes. Go figure. I understand where you are coming from. And I hate to be the one to tell you, but as the "girls" get older they get worse. UGH!

L - posted on 03/10/2009

I am so sorry .. I lived thru this and understand completely. I can tell you that you definitely have to take care of you! Do what you need to for down time when it gets so frustrating. Try to make sure he is always home when she is there, and make sure you are a united front! If there is any doubt that the child can cause a fight between the two of you, I assure you she will. My SD would do the same thing to me, and she would also throw the insults her mother would say against me - whether or not it was the truth - they were all painful none the less. Do not engage with her mother, draw that line now .. that is HIS ex wife and HIS responsibility. As is his children!! .. Be a team but don't take on more than you need to.. trust me !! Its not worth the insanity.. focus on you , your husband and your son next... then the SD's .. its the only way I have been able to maintain a happy home. I have 3 step children 50% of the time in my home, and I have been their SM for almost 7 years ... I may not always be liked but I am always respected ;o)

Heather - posted on 03/10/2009

exactly but then again i look and her oldest frm her 1st marriage beats on her and got kicked outta middle school for selling her cigs.. so its just a matter of time... its not a single mom thing cuz my mom was a single mom its a i didnt grow up before i had kids and i want myself to come before them.. cuz my life is more important. i gotta have the best of everything they can do wiht out.. ive never seen mothers like this my mom always put me 1st and herself last and i do that for my daughter.... dont have kids if u still wanna be int he spot light

Di - posted on 03/09/2009

Absolutely, and there is no way known I want my boys to grow up like their sisters in the way they behave. No manners, no please, no thank you etc. What is wrong with these mothers? I know being a single mother is hard but that doesn't excuse out right rudeness being encouraged. By the way, one day the kid will spit on her, if thats what she is teaching him. Be careful if that happens that you don't laugh out loud in front of the kids.

Heather - posted on 03/09/2009

he wasnt home but he got home busted his butt and sent him to bed... he sat on his bed from fri night till sun got down to pee and that was it.... i think kids learn from there primary care giver aned if they are like that then thats how ur kids are going to act.. let my daughter spit on someone and see what happends..... but any NORMAL mother that found out about that would have been mad at there kid cuz its a respect thing but what they see is how that act...........

Di - posted on 03/09/2009

Go for it Heather, I did the same thing. It's not wrong its safety first. Your daughter comes first and her safety is up to you so if it's not safe for them to be around her then bad luck. What did the dad do when she spit on you?

Heather - posted on 03/09/2009

Hun i feel ur pain.. im a step mom of 2 kids a boy 5 and girl 10. its hard when i was pregnant with m daughter the 5 year old would kick me in the belly when she was lke a month old he tried to drop a lap top on her head and to top it all he spit in my face.. the 10 year old was okay itll about a year ago she is stealing from us now.. im not sure if the kids are like that because of the mothers.. cuz the 5 year old told his mom when he got outta the car to go hom after spitting on me that weekend and told her he had a bad weekend and she asked why and he told her he spit on me and she sadi noething i mean come on.. if that was my daughter i would have took up for her dad but i guess just differant in parenting.. good luck i know how u feel ive gotten to the point and some people can say this is wrong but i use to watch the kids while matt worked but now he cant get them unless hes off i have to worry about my child first.. good luck hun

Di - posted on 03/08/2009

They are right, you aren't their mother, but you are their fathers wife and that means that they have to respect you wether they like it or not. It may very well have been his home before you moved in but once you did it ceased being his and became yours and they need to understand that and that they need to respect you in your own home. At one stage I refused to have my sd's in our home and my husband had to have access with them away from here until they could come in and at least be civil to me. That may sound harsh but I wouldn't put up with it from anyone else, why should I put up with it just because they are his daughters. I never once stopped access, just where he could bring them. Believe me, they suddenly learned that to come into our home was a privelege and if they disrespected that, then they aren't welcome. There were other factors also that came into that decision so I would advise anyone else to be very careful making the same decision.

As everyone else says....don't communicate with the bm. You do not have to put up with abuse by her or anyone, including your sd's. I know that sounds simplistic and whilst it may seem hopeless as far as the kids go, you can definately put a stop once and for all to the mother. You will find that once you stand up to her that the girls will stand up and take notice. The sad truth is they may never be any different but why go thru life putting up with that. You do not have to communicate with her, don't let anyone else tell you different. For your sake I am glad your husband backs you up. A lot don't and that makes the situation worse. Keep your head up and just remember you aren't alone and that we are all here for you if you need to talk. Good luck with it all, if you need us just call.

Mary - posted on 03/08/2009

i am a step mom as well. all i can say is it will get easier. these girls need to know who is in charge. set boundaries. they have no right talking to you like that. where's the respect. i've been a step mom for 10 years.

Lana - posted on 03/08/2009

Quoting Alex:

im sick of all the crap

im 22 my husband is 30 and wehave a little 3 1/2 month old boy together and he has 2 daughters 7 and 9. to be 100% honest i dont like being a step mum im sick of all the crap that comes with it, for example we have told the girls that when ur in our house dad and i are the boss and you have to listen to us both their answer to this(especially the 9 yr old) is ur not my mum and my dad lived in this house before u so its dads house and i dont have to listen to u, when her dad is out she plays up and doesnt listen.we have spoken to her a number of times about it but she hasnt changed what makes it worse when i do tell them to stop doing somthing they run back to thier mother an tell her that i yelled at them and then i have her on the phone abusing me. i have had enough IM SICK OF ALL THE CRAP......

I have the same situation almost, his boys are 7 and 9, same attitude, first don't take any calls from his ex, let him deal with her, second sit those girls down for long time outs till they respect you, no one is being hurt, no law against time outs.............stop rewarding them in any way, I do the shopping and would always make there favorites, act up they get nothing, I have been doing this for 5 years..........it will get better with time as long as you 2 present a united front,(even with the ex)

Schelly - posted on 03/07/2009

I've been a step-mom for 10 years and it is so much harder than being a mom to our own kids.  I have been in your situation exactly.  And all I can tell you is what my husband and I did when that same situation happen.  First my husband and I sat down and talked about what the punishment would be if our son continued to not listen to me when my husband was gone.  And when my son was 5 years old we would put him in the corner we would take privledges away like tv, games, doing fun things with his dad or me.  And if it continued  and he still was misbehaving we would we make plans to do something fun like go to a movie or out to eat, and our son wasn't allowed to come.  I know it sounds mean but it works. We would get a baby sitter and he would have to stay home with her and we told her not to do anything fun with him.  He hated that, and eventually he started to learn that if he listened to me that he would be included if he didn't he would be left out.  And he hated being left out.  Now, I don't know if this will work for you but our son is now 14 years old and has more respect for me and his dad then has for his own biological mother.   But the important thing is your husband has to back you up with those kids and they need to see that they will not break you or your husband.  If they see they are wearing you down they will take control.  I learned that the hard way.  Believe me I have been tested to my limits, but my husband always backed me up and told our son that when you disrespect her you disrespect me and I will not have that.  Believe it or not it worked, but you have to keep at it with them.  And I get sick of it too, believe me exspecialy with my husbands ex-wife.  But I know she lashes out at me because she can't handle that her son has another mom and my son and I have gotten really close and that drives her nuts.  I love my step-son and I feel it was worth going through all the crap I have been through because now I have a better relationship with him.  And he respects me and his dad more. 

Brandie - posted on 03/07/2009

you and your husband need to sit down and write a list of "DADS RULES" for these kids. top of this list has to be to respect you and that you are the one going to enforce these rules when dad is not there..  fallowed by accual rules. and the punishments for breaking them. post this on the fridge and give each of them a coppy. id even send a coppy to there mom so she can see that you are more than likely not asking any more of them than she is. and if she has a problem with any of these rules let her discuss it with dad.

Alex - posted on 03/07/2009

thanks ladies xx

Casey - posted on 03/07/2009

I feel your pain! I have been a SM for 2 years now and my SKs are 13g, 11b, and 9g. Their mom talks trash about me and my children all the time. It's gotten 1000x's worse since the kids told her I am pregnant. Uggggg It's so hard!! I still have a hard time getting my husband to stick up for me towards his kids. He doesn't want them to hate him because he sticks up for me. Good luck!!! I've done a lot of research on this matter and most everything says it takes 7 years for things to get better. Well heck by then my SKs will be 18 or really close to it!!

Becky - posted on 03/07/2009

Hi Alex i have been a step mum for 11 years and i was your age when i became a stepmum to 2 boys now 15 and 14..

you have to remember you have just had a baby yourself so you have alot to deal with without the sd making things harder for you, there maybe a bit of jealousy because they is another child on the scene. My ss's probably listen to me more than there dad but i think that is because they don't respect men very much because of there childhood. My eldest ss now lives with us and i also have 2 girls with my husband.

Your husband needs to back you up even if he is not around when an incident happens tell him when he gets back and let your sd know that her dad agrees with you. Also you might not be her mom but you are an adult that she should respect.

You don't have put up with bm just let your husband deal with her, but if she has a problem with you so will sd, they like to please the mums.

Hope it all works out for you.x

Alicia - posted on 03/07/2009

I have been a step-mom for going on 10 years.  When my husband and I met my ss was 4 1/2, he is now 16.  He knows that I get as much respect as his dad does...he gives it because he gets it.  I don't treat him any different from the girls my husband and I have together they are 7 & 9.  I have noticed my girls at this age are going through a stage and change that they are in between stages...not babies any more...but not yet teens either so their ideas are changing as well as their attitudes. 

Anytime there was a problem or conflict w/ my ss & my husband wasnt around I would punish but I would try to think outside the box so he would learn. then I would tell my hubby and he or I would let bm know what happened and what we did, that way it came from us first and she didn't hear about it from my ss.  Usually my hubby deals w/ bm because really it is THEIR child first and THEY are the parents.  Once I steped back and realized I can be there to support my hubby and my ss things got a little better. 

I have been blessed w/ a good bm we can talk on the phone and have talked on the phone for about an hr regaring my ss and some concerns that we both might have and try to come up w/ solutions together.

the hardest thing I can think for a bm is to have another MOM in their childs life.  I made it pretty clear from the begining that I was not there to take her place.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. 

Debbie - posted on 03/07/2009

I've been a stepmom for almost 3 years now. My stepson is now 11 and he lives with us fulltime. We also have my daughter from another marriage who's 7 and we just had a baby girl who is now 1. I'm not sure if the difference is that my stepson lives with us, but he knows that he has to listen to me. My husband is more the yeller when he gets angry and I'm more the creative disciplinarian. Both of the older kids know that I will take away everything if they are disrespectful. I've even threatened to remove the tv out of the bedroom and all of the toys so all they could do was sit there if they continued acting poorly. I generally find the punishment that works best for them. For my stepson it was taking away his video games and for my daughter it was taking away tv or cartoons. Now that we've gotten the Wii, threatening to not let them play for a day has the right motivating factor.



But I personally think your husband has to reinforce that you can make some rules and they have to follow them. Personally if it were me, if I were told that I wasn't their dad or mom and they didn't have to listen to me, I would let them know that they are disrespecting me and they would be punished for it. Even if you aren't their dad or mom, if they were being watched by even a babysitter, they would be expected to listen and obey what the caregiver told them to do.



I do agree though that I wouldn't bother talking to the mom about this. If she has any problems, she can talk to her ex-husband. My husband's ex-wife started yelling at me once when I was engaged to my husband. She didn't like the fact that I went to "her son's" sporting event. She waited for my husband (fiance at the time) to walk away before she made her move to get in my face, pointing and yelling at me. After that I haven't talked to her. When I got pregnant she told my husband that we all needed to sit down to discuss it. He told her that I would have no contact with her due to her disrespecting me and if there's anything she needs to say she can say to him. I didn't marry this woman so there's no need for me to deal with her unpleasantness.

Dawn - posted on 03/07/2009

Oh, Alex.  I am so sorry to hear.  Being a step mom is so hard.  I've been at it for 2 years and its not getting any easier. In my case, its gotten harded as the kids get older.

Take a break if you can, from the kids.  The next time the sd's come to visit, go away for a day or a night. 

Dad needs to be the one to hand out punishments and he needs to do so if they disrespect you. 

Do not speak with the BIO mom if you can help it.  Let Dad handle her too.  That is one big mistake I made.  I got too involved in the relationship between Dad and BM.  Big Mistake.  I should have stayed out of it from the beginning. Would have made my life so much easier.  The problem is we love the kids and we, as mom's, want to do whatever we can to help out and like I did, I overstepped my bounderies. 

I don't mean to sound so gloomy.  Marriage and children is hard and add step kids and BM's to the mix and its really really hard.  You're so young.  I wasn't a SM until I was over 35. 

Good luck.  Find your way.  Love yourself first.  That is the most important thing.  Other moms will offer you great advise.  Take it and learn from them.  Lots of luck to you.