Is it wrong to expect something for Mother's Day?

Nicole - posted on 04/19/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hey everyone! This is sort of similar to another post I read concerning step mom's and Mother's Day. I am a stepmom to three beautiful children, whom I love like my own. We get them every other weekend and we share the time with them when they have school breaks or during the summer. Their ages are 7, 5 (six next month) and 4.

All three of them call me mom from time to time. They have asked me if they can though, I have never told them to. I feel that is their choice. I have a wonderful relationship with them. We do everything together. I help with homework, cook for them, wash their clothes....you name it, I do it. So, my question is... is it wrong to think that I deserve something for Mother's Day? I do everything (and waaay more) than their birth mother does. Two of the three have said they want to live with us. There is a quote that I really like.... it says, "Being a step mom means they grew in my heart, instead of my tummy." Besides the fact that I did not give birth to them, I feel like they are my children.

I know that I am not their mom, but I know that if I don't get recognized, I will be hurt. Is that wrong of me to think that?

Honest opinions, please. Thanks in advance for your responses.

-Nicole-

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Krissy - posted on 04/22/2009

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Unless your SK are with their BM on Mother's Day, so you already get the quiet time. I'd much rather have a couple of hours with my SD and a simple card. They make cards especially for stepmoms. I didn't really know that until last year when my SD got me one. It was excellent.

Alichia - posted on 04/22/2009

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I would ask for some time to yourself in your room, where your hubby will take care of the kids in the morning. To me that is more than priceless. A gift is cool, but time away from everyone when you don't have to find a babysitter is awesome.



I never expect anything, as I know that the children are extremely loyal to their mother. I am happy when chores are done on Mother's Day before I have to ask anyone to do get them done!

Krissy - posted on 04/22/2009

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I have been a stepmom for seven years. My SD is all I've got because, so far, I have not been able to have any of my own. But the love I have for my SD is as real as it gets. She calls me "Momma", she has since about six months after I came into her life. Not because I forced her to; but because she said she wanted to.



Mother's Day is always rough on me. I put everything I've got into being the best mother figure I can be. I don't think putting a "step" in front of "mom" makes me any less a mother. What is a mother? It is the person who nurtures you, loves you unconditionally. Protects you. Supports you. Your personal cheerleader. It is the person you can depend on, no matter what.



I think a card from my SD last year said it best. She got it for me for Mother's day even though she didn't have to. It said "God picked my first mom. I got to pick my second."



Being a stepmom means that they will always have another person to teach them and love them. You are no less a mother because you didn't give birth to your stepkids.



I think some people forget how much a simple "thank you" can mean to someone who doesn't hear it a lot. There is no such thing as "Step-Mothers Day" (no matter how much I think that, in today's world, there should be). Every year on Mother's Day, I don't ONLY recognize my birth mother. I recognize my grandmother, my birth mother, my adopted mother, my sister (who is a mom), my mother-in-law, etc. Mother's day is for mother's, regardless of the official title. Perhaps you could talk to your hubby and tell him how much this means to you. He is your other half, I think that expressing your feelings to him might get you very far.



I've rambled, but hopefully it gave an insight. At the very least, I'D like to wish you a happy Mother's Day. *wink*

Kimi - posted on 04/21/2009

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I don't think it's wrong of you to want to be included for mothers day. I am going to get pictures done with my step daughter for mothers day and that will be my gift. I think it would be a great tradition. Maybe you should try doing the same thing. You can find a coupon for a free portrait at just about any portrait studio so it dosn't have to cost anything.

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2009

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I don't think it's wrong at all. I'm the matriarch in my home, and carry out the daily functions that most typical bio moms do in their homes. My DH and I set aside a special day for me, so DH and SS11 can show their appreciation for the things I do--we just don't do it on Mother's Day--per DH's parenting plan--which is fine with us:-)

Sandy - posted on 04/20/2009

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I do not think it is wrong at all to recognize a step mom on mothers day after all we are step MOMS. We are still moms and in many ways other then giving birth. Sounds like you have a great step mom/step child relationship so why would it be wrong for a child to honor that. : )

Susan - posted on 04/20/2009

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hi nicole,am a stepmum to my son louis he was six when i married his dad his real mum died of cancer when louis was four.I know how hard it is to bring up someone elses child,& i don't think you are asking for alot i consider myself a mum weather im his real mum or not.& don't feel bad about expecting a card or some lovely flowers from your kids at christmas or mothers day.kids do it cos they now how much you do for them all year round they probably don't even think of you as a stepmum but as their real mum,so for that one time of year they want to make you feel special I think that most kids feel lucky to even get the chance to have 2 mums or in my case to get a new mum alltogether.just love the time that you have with them as a family & carry on being tha mum that you are & they will love you back unconditionally.***

Francesca - posted on 04/20/2009

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i understand where your comin from!!!

I always either get the boys to draw something or i'll buy a card for the boys bio mum. and i always do something for their dad too. 1 yr i didnt get nothin not even "a happy mothers day" i felt horrible as to me i am a mother whether thats given bith or bein a step mum. we should get a day. thats wat i think anyway,

i would never want a present but a picture or card or cuddles in fact would be lovely. but i do think its up to your husband to arrange it!!

Di - posted on 04/20/2009

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Hey Nicole, don't think that just b/c we don't tell you what you to hear that we don't understand what you are going thru. You aren't on your own. Unfortunately, the fact is, that even if the bm doesn't have any dealings with the kids, she can come in and claim how she is the mother. We were just trying to be there for you in a realistic way. The hardship that goes with being a step mother is endless. Yes I believe that your step kids should recognise you on mothers day, just as I think my sd's should recognise me, but the reality is that they don't. When they were living close, my husband used to make them sign a card, but now they are living far away I get nothing, not even a phone call. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for these kids the same as what I would do for my own kids, and its probably 10 times more then their mother would. But what you wrote about was my first hard lesson in step parenting. I was devastated by the non acknowledgement of my role in their lives. It hurt like hell. And after that happened, b/c I told the father I was hurt, I then got a card signed by them, under duress. I would rather receive nothing. I learnt very early to take the little things like a kiss, or a cuddle or just the child sharing their everyday lives, meeting their friends as the real acknowledgement. I have had to hand over the money to buy not only my husbands christmas present but also the money to buy for their mother's as well. Sweetie, hard as it seems, this is the life of the sm, no acknowledgement. But you know in your heart that you make a difference to these kids, and no amount of cards, flowers etc will ever replace that. It isn't about presents. I know that, it's about acknowledgement, sad but true, this is one of the injustices of the world, that will only come from your husband not your stepkids. You aren't wrong in feeling what you feel, and every single one of us stepmothers have felt what you have felt. But imagine if we built your hopes up, and the reality set in. Its out of love that we tell you to expect nothing, b/c thats the likelihood of what you will get, and if we are wrong, and I pray that in your case we are, that it will be a bonus. If you need someone then please msg me. I am here for you

Nicole - posted on 04/20/2009

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Thank you again for your responses. Last year, I bought BM a card and had all three kids sign it and give it to her and I explained to them what Mother's Day was. I have also done this with the kids for holidays like Christmas. She never does anything in return for Father's Day or Christmas for dad.

Perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough. I'm sorry if you thought I was just out for presents. That's not where I was going. I'm not wanting nor expecting presents. When I meant "recognized" I just meant spending time with them. Maybe having them draw me a picture or something. Something small.

We take them back Sunday after we feed them supper. Generally, we can't get a hold of her during the day to find out what time she will be home (because she stays out all weekend) and when we do get a hold of her, she says she doesn't really know what time she will be home, but she will call us when she knows a time. This happens EVERY weekend that we have the kids. When we drop them off to her, she doesn't even pay any attention to them or acknowledge that their even there. She gets on her computer and ignores us and the kids almost entirely.

I feel that I should get some time to spend with the kids that day, but I'm afraid that she will (the one day) decide she wants the kids home early and any time would be cut short.

I came here to ask because I had no one else to ask. I thought someone else might be able to understand where I'm coming from. I know everyone's situation is a little different though.

-Nicole-

Nicole - posted on 04/19/2009

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Having a his, mine, and ours household....I strongly believe that a step-parent should be honored for their contributions to their step-children's lives on Mother's Day and Father's Day. But I also KNOW that it's generally the spouse that gives the thanks and direction to the children on those days.

I think it's important for a step-child to learn to say, "thank you for being a part of my life." to their step-parents as well as to their biological parents.

My husband and I both practice this with our step & biological children. On Mother's day, I receive cards from all of the children. We make them as a family because that's what we are no matter where we all live. We also make one for their mom, even if they have already celebrated Mother's Day with their mom because upholding a balance between our two families is important to us too.

Jamie - posted on 04/19/2009

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Nicole,

If your meaning time with you SK no i think thats totally within your rights as a SP. But to basically demand a gift, no offense I dont think its ever ok to expect a gift for anything, and I mean even a birthday I think its just rude. Sorry but thats just my opinion. Heck for mothers day only thing i expect is my hubby to get up early with the kids and let me sleep in.

Megan - posted on 04/19/2009

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Nicole, I leave Mother's Day for bm. We have a similar visitation schedule as you and I feel the same way. I cook, clean, etc. We are also very close. When they are with us they are really with us. You know? We don't see the kids on Mother's day. I ask that my husband recognize me and the day for me. We go out to a nice dinner. If it is very important to you then I think your husband should spearhead the kids recognizing you. They may want to but not feel sure that they should etc.



I think stepmoms have to take their tokens of love from the kids where they can get them. I don't ever get I love yous. It used to bother me until we were at cub scouts one night last year working on codes. My younger ss made a code for me to decode. When I did it said "You are so cool Megan." Its been on the fridge ever since!

Nicole - posted on 04/19/2009

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Di,

Thank you for your response. I don't do what I do because I want a card or flowers or something. I do what I do because I love those children unconditionally. If I don't get anything, it's not going to make me just stop doing things for them. I was afraid of coming across as being selfish...which is why I asked my question. I guess I was just hoping for a little recognition for everything I do. I feel left out because there isn't a "step mother's day" ya know? It makes me mad because their mother isn't a mother 364 days out of the year, but she gets one day a year to be praised...for nothing, really. And I totally agree that step mothering is a thankless job. Thank you for putting things into perspective for me. I appreciate your time.

-Nicole-

Di - posted on 04/19/2009

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Hi Nicole, I understand where you are coming from. It does hurt. But what makes you think that they wont recognise you? The fact that they call you mom from time to time already acknowledges your role in their lives. Personally I don't do what I do for my sd's b/c of some card and present which never appears anyway. I do what I do b/c I love my husband and them and it comes with the territory. If the worst happens and they don't acknowledge it, will that make you think it's not worth it? Sometimes step mothering is just a thankless job. For your sake I hope they do recognise it. Good luck.

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