It just goes on and on and on

Angela - posted on 02/19/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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The big thing here from all the posts is about putting your foot down. The games that get played!!! I have an issue where my ss wont meet me and my husband visits at ex's house regularly. If ss did visit with us it would be disaster anyway. I found out yesterday that 13 yr old ss still sleeps in mums bed. boy does that kid have to compensate for his mothers misery. No wonder he cant seperate and come and visit us. Still if he did i am sure he would run to her with all the dirt possible and my life would become more challenging. Also I find that a lot more is expected of my children than my husbands. He is constantly reminding me that his son is at a "tender age" and that its ok for him to want the best of everything so he looks good infornt of his mates. he is in the top soccer team in adelaide, great that he can play soccer but no one can actually afford the fees. he HAS to have the best shoes for soccer, $150 kangaroo skin etc. he also plays indoor soccer, different shoes for that, he also plays football, different shoes again. He wont wear clothes that make him look like a retard....He has a playstation 3, guitar hero the latest mobile phone, goes to an exclusive catholic college and if he doesnt get what he wants, hides under his blanket. My 15 yr old GIRL accepts markdown clothes and bargains and understands that we cant afford brand names. I dont believe for a minute that my husb has cheated on me but sitting in their old house and drinking their coffee and eating their food and fixing the drawers and building the dog house and feeding the dog while they go away may not be cheating but it certainly is being the man about both houses... I have put my foot down very firmly and we have done nothing but fight for the last month. every time i think Ive hit a turning point, something else comes along. I find it difficult to stay too. Talk is cheap and action speaks much louder. So when you find that extra money has gone to his child that has come from money earmarked for your own when you have already shown that he ( husband) is not paying his way as it is and you and your child are supporting his other family, A definate stand has to be taken. My husband has agreed to go to councelling. No appt has been made yet. its been a week. So do I nag? do i fix it and make it for him(i dont think so) threaten to leave (again). I told my husband that I believe he has a co dependant relationship with his son. He didnt like that much. He gets the shits when my kid leaves the milk out or doesnt change the toilet roll etc. After all she's 15. I guess I'm just really shitty today.

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Angela - posted on 03/11/2009

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Yep. would be good if his friends were aware of it. I wish she would meet a bloke! wouldnt that change everything. My bio daughter is 16 in 3 weeks. she wants to help pay for her party. She has all she needs, some wants but yes she has a smile on her face. Unless we have a mother/daughter Alien/human arguement lol

Di - posted on 03/11/2009

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Good for you Ange. Funny isn't it when you stand up and say I am not a door mat....lol. Daddy guilt.....boy the kids play on that. My sd is 14 today and when asked what she wants for her birthday, aww nothing.....don't need anything. Child has a laptop, mobile, dig cam, tv and dvd player in her room, clothes galore. Only thing she hasn't got is a smile on her face and happiness in her heart. Sad isnt it. The sleeping thing is a danger to the kid, wether or not anything foul has happened. He is 13, developing, got raging hormones, etc etc. He needs to be out. I know not your call but gee if I was Dad, I would be demanding that. Any way nice to meet you and looking forward to getting to know you better

Di

Angela - posted on 03/11/2009

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Hi Di, I wanted to reply because a I really appreciate your support and comments on this. I actually do run all the household money now and he only gets what I give him. We have contacted csa re what has been paid via private arrangement. my hubby has agreed to drop to minimum rate which is $28 something a month with no arguing. 50 a week was agreed on at prop settlement but was only verbal and when we were bringing in $1000 pw between us. Mostly mine. anyway its all changed since the original post. I have moved into the childs world by turning up at public places and answering texts sent by the ex. she has stopped txting. Personally I do understand that trying to make a kid meet me now after 2.5 yrs of pussyfooting around only gives the kid more power and he digs in more so i have made it clear I dont care to meet him! But I wont be kept in the shadows and I will go and watch the soccer with my husb and just not force the issue. I will be in his world. I will and am meeting the other parents etc. The visits have been cut and now the ex is out of the house for the most part so i can live with that. So long as I am honoured and valued properly. Much progress has been made and continues to be. I am grateful for that. I must say this forum has been of enormous value.As for the co sleeping???? No evidence of any foul play, just an extrmely co dependant child. A definately over indulged and spoilt only child of a later in life mother. If he did come to my house, more than likely he would play it. This is a kid who hides under the bed if he cant have a new mobile phone!!!

He wouldnt last 5 minutes with me. My kids would never have dared act that way. I must say tho, that my husb has learned a lot from this and is so on my page. He realises that his child needs a lot more NO's. He struggles with daddy guilt and fear he will lose him if he gets too tough but he quickly realises that is mostly in his head. So anyway sorry for the lengthy reply but I wanted you to know I agree completely and have taken a lot of action.

Di - posted on 03/10/2009

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Excuse me for the lateness but I am sitting her going WTF? You and your husband are on student allowance and have to pay her maintenance? sorry must be different here in NSW to SA. I thought CSA was australia wide. Boy do you have some problems Angela. Firstly, if the kid wont see you then hubby needs to go over, he needs to pick the kid up and get the flock out of there. No staying, no fixing, no nothing. This needs to be not negotiable, it is not in the best interest of your marriage and if he wont agree to that, your relationship has no hope. Sorry don't mean to sound awful as I have never met you but believe me, if he is still spending time with her or in her house then he technically is still with her.



As far as her sleeping with the kid, I am flabergasted. It would be some sort of child abuse, I wouldn't hesitate in calling docs or whoever you have. What have you got to lose? Visitation?



Centrecare or Anglicare etc, offer counselling on a pay if you can rate. So if you showed them you are in hardship they would probably do counselling for nothing.



The most urgent thing for you though is get your money that you have and put it in your own account. Have a joint account where household money is put. It sounds as if he has total access to your money.



The things we women do in the name of love. The things exes do to keep control so their kids don't miss out on anything no matter how much our kids suffer.



You are doing great Ange, keep up the good work. You've tried it their way long enough. Now do it yours.

Angela - posted on 02/25/2009

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Well the friends deliberately kept talking about me in front of his kid. jeff thinks by intro-ing to friends it somehow will "soften" him towards me coz he didnt react. I think " oh,the great frank heard my name, oh wow I am so priviliged" I said he is showing his son that a wife is of little value and can be discarded and put aside at whim. What if jeff died. bad example but how do we manage a funeral. What if we bump into him at Glenelg, Adelaide is a small town. He shouldnt even have been given a choice. and To give it to him is putting power and control on to a kid. And as far as councelling goes, I have contacted an organisation to arrange male to male councelling. I took it up because I feel my marriage is worth it. But there is a time limit. If there is still no change by end of lease at this house, Nov this year, then he doesnt move in to next house with me. It doesnt mean I'm divorcing, I dont want to be anywhere but with him but he cant have all the benefits of marriage without the responsibility and I need to honour myself.

I am very concerned about the co sleeping. When it was discovered, his ex seemed quite flustered about being exposed. I'm not saying its anything un toward, but its very co dependant and making the child responsible for the comfort of the mother. She really needs to watch out because I am not taking her shit anymore and my daughter goes on to youth allowance in 5 weeks. then centrelink has to be told how much child support we pay. it affects her payment. She will have a centrelink debt for a years worth of fraud with FTB and child support. if I let on. She has been warned to back off about money because i'm playing hardball now. I know I am going on here but one last thing. My daughter has asked for belly dance lessons. The deal she came up with is,"if i save half of a terms fees, $42 aud from the pocket money dad gives me, will you pay the other half. i can start next term after I have the money already saved then save next term while i have lessons for the term after that."? She learned delayed gratification. having been single mum for 13 years and never asked ex's for anything.

Meanwhile the sm wants money for soccer, boots etc etc etc. My girl will not miss out ANYMORE. Thanks women. for your votes of confidence.

Sandy - posted on 02/25/2009

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You go girl!!  Its a tough world for women...and moms...we have to be strong and fair...that is also what I have had to learn.  If we want our daughters to grow up strong, independent, fair, etc we have to lead by example.



Good luck



Sandy



p.s.  I am Canadian eh.lol

Debbie - posted on 02/25/2009

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OMG!!!!!

Angela I feel for you...truly my thoughts are with you!! wow I cant believe it, First 13 yr old sleeping with mum? Isnt that some sort of child abuse??? surely!! Secondly, I believe whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine....but in your case it whats mine is hers and whats yours is too....grr thats would make me so mad, as you are. Thirdly, That boy is way too young to have all those gadgets and stuff and who does he call on his mobile??? I have a 12yr old and she has an old mobile(pink one) but we get pre-paid for her, and she buys it with her own money, and she hardly uses it. Forthly, How dare your husband introduce him to your friends before you??? That is shocking..what do your friends think??

I realise this post is a bit old, but I have only read it now. So how are things going now?? did you get him to counselling??? He has to see what the bigger picture is somehow!!

Stay tough girl!!!!

Angela - posted on 02/25/2009

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muggins is being a mug. having done something silly by being taken for granted.

jeff and I were both working last year and $50 was an ok figure provided of course that she realised what a good thing she was on but now we are full time students on benefits. very minimum income and any of our own resources should be used for us. As i said to him the other day, I married You for richer or poorer, not HER. I have been more than generous with my time and financialy especially for a kid that wont even acknowlege i exist. He met my friends at the weekend and they thought he was lovely, He also got on so well with their kids. They are a blended family too. I cant meet him tho and it was like rubbing salt into a wound. Any way I am pretty tough with this now and thnakfully I have this forum. I would be going mad without it.

Dawn - posted on 02/25/2009

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Angela, I can tell by your writing that your attitude is changing.  Your strength is coming out full force.  I love it!  Stand your ground.  You are a smart and a fair woman - stay that way.



And why the HELL are you 10 years a head on child support???  Don't give that woman a penny!



And for me, being a Yankee, I gotta know ... what is a muggins?  LOL!  I just love that we are all from different countries. 



Good luck girl!

Angela - posted on 02/25/2009

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just to update...i set a new rule this year that if the ex didnt pay half of ss mobile bill on time, i wouldnt pay her weekly "goodwill" childsupport. govt decree is that we pay $28Aud per month as my husb is on benefits and this is minimal amount but we pay $50 aud per week!!! and she still wants more. SO. all last year I would go online once a month and reduce the auto payment by the phone bill amount just so husb didnt have to deal with her about money. muggins me made a rod for my own back her. As of jan the new rule is she pays her half or no pay. Being 10 years ahead on Child suppport I think I have the leway here. january took 2 weeks for her to cough up and I gave jeff the bill last week to give her but of course he forgot. Husband is so fearful of her (which shits me ) that now she is late. his fault she didnt have time to get the money to us. He thinks I should pay her anyway because eventually she will pay but I said no. I am not the bank. He has to learn as much as her, and I mean business. I am not wearing his mistakes anymore. Just last week he blew out the visit budget by taking $20 extra out of the bank. Only because it was there. The $30 allotted wasnt enough but that money was earmarked for my child and wasnt his to spend. He wondered why I was so upset. I reduced her money to cover his mistake. After all it was spent on their child. So I make a stand again..... And it goes on and on and on

Sandy - posted on 02/20/2009

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Dear Angela...believe me I understand what you are going through.



I have been with my spouse for 8 going on 9 years and although in every other aspect of our relationship we get along great....the area of kids is where we always battle.



When we first got together we had 2 of his daughters and 2 of my sons living together and it was always a battle to make sure all kids were treated fairly....my boys were sometimes not treated well....AT ALL, and for that I can tell you that I will always be sad and regret that I let that go on.  At this point he and I have 3 young children together and 1 of his girls still at home with us the rest are all adults and you would think that the younger kids being his also would get the same treatment as the older girl...but they don't, I constantly have to make sure that they are all treated the same, sometimes its as though he only considers my SD really his, and thinks of the rest as his step kids ( which they are not ).



I don't put up with it now however....not like I did in the beginning when my boys were young.  I take money from the govnment tax out each month for each girl including my SD and put it into their own accounts for things that come out that they may want or need as well I keep some in savings for myself to spend on all the kids as I see fit.



Stick up for yourself and your child...you SS obviously has people who look out for his best interest so you need to be the one who looks out for you daughter!!  Take it from someone who knows...if you do not do right by your daughter in this situation you will look back on it and regret it...I understand your love for this man but our children should be our first priority.



Good luck...I will be thinking about you

Angela - posted on 02/20/2009

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hay monique, I drew a speadsheet and outlined the costs of his contact with his son along with the income he provides to this house. It left him $3.68 per day after his share of rent only. Not food, clothes, water gas/elec, phone mobile and internet,petrol, car repairs and any other sundries. The only way we survive is with my student income and govt family tax benefit which is paid to on behalf of my daughter. All the investment money I brought into this relationshiop is disappearing and I have ABSOLUTELY put a stop to it. I make up the shortfall and his ex still asks for more. In Aust the govt have just offered all students a one off payment of $940 to help offset education costs. The mediators (family court councelling)whose job it is to help my husb and his ex work out their differences, suggested that jeff uses ours to help her,.Money for my child from the govt.!! I got on to that office quick smart and made a formal complaint. his ex gets it too but she wants the son to have braces. In aust, if braces are an absolute necessity, the govt dental plan covers it. Even after seeing all this on paper, my husband still took money without discussion for extras for his last visit. SO I reduced his ex's child support by that amount and she can wear his mistake. Me and my daughter will not. Dawns post is so true. I used the term "divorced daddy syndrome" It really fits and is understandable to him. he had only been broken up for 3 months when we started and was seperated a year before we married. he never married her. they were together 15 years. I can understand her scorn. I would be shitty too but it has been nearly 2 1/2 years now and its time to let go. Thanks both of you for your input. I need these posts to not feel so alone and stupid in all of this

Monique - posted on 02/20/2009

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I completely understand your compaint. I am going through something very similar. My step daughter still sleeps with her mother and her mother's new husband. Now that is messed up. I also have to stand by and watch as her daughter gets everything her heart desires while my daughter gets nothing except the things she really needs. I put my foot down and I am going to take care of my children and myself from this point on. My husband wants me to support everything but he doesn't support me. I know that we need counseling but we cannot afford it at all since he pays out more than half of his income in child support. Good luck with everything I will pray that things will get resolved within you family

Dawn - posted on 02/20/2009

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oh, Angela.  I just cannot get over a 13 year old in the bed with his mom!  What 13 year old boy would want to do that???  That woman is making a major mistake - many women tend to turn to their children for love and support when the man is out of the picture.  And it is never good for the child. She's turning him into a sissy - mama's boys.  Let his mates get a hold of that one - then they'll really make him feel badly.



You definately need counseling.   Sounds to me like your husband's guilt is driving him.  One thing my friend told me, is guilt is a very selfish emotion (I liked that).  I see that with my husband when it comes to his kids.  I tell him he has "Divorced Daddy Syndrome" - he tries to over compensate in some areas because he feels guilty for not being in his kids' day to day lives. 



How long has he been divorced?  .



Call the counselor yourself - no need to nag - take control of your marriage!



Good luck!  Keep me posted!

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