mom vs. mom???

Rachel - posted on 09/23/2009

i totally agree with sandy, kids know who does what for them and who is there and who to call when they need something...

Candace - posted on 09/23/2009

When you friend the Mom, be remember she isn't your friend. She is doing this for her children. If you husband has change since they where married. She see this she will try to get him back. Sign are talking to him about the children and then her memories of when they when place as a family. Get him to do things for her. Having the children tell him how sad she is and unhappy. Trying to get him to help her. Remember to as guard your married. He is your husband now. He marry you because he loved you and saw something in you.

Children can tear a marry apart by wanting thing and play one parent again the other. Parent need to stay together on punish and doing things for them. They could be both of your children and not step-child there. They can tear a married apart. If the parent is always on the child side.

Candace - posted on 09/23/2009

Let me ask you a question. Did you want your parents back together? Did you try to do that?

Candace - posted on 09/23/2009

One it isn't good for the childrens what the Mom is doing. Your husband need to go back to court if not in his divorce a scheldule for the bio Mother. I know it is hard on you. But if she wasn't in their life. They would blame you and your husband. They need to see her for what she is. I would give her every other weekend. When she has them if they have dance she takes them. Or give her a turn in the carpool but you also do a turn as well. Share the holidays. I her pay child support, help out in paying half for the dancing.
Her going to church with you and your family, not a good idea. See he divorce her or whatever. The children need to see them apart or they will think Mom and Dad getting back together. Then your marry will be hurting. You want to put her where is belong. But your husband need to do that not you. She want to take the kids to church let her get her own church and take them.

Kris - posted on 09/22/2009

I appreciate all the advise everyone. I ended up calling their mom and inviting her to take place in as many events of the kids as possible and as often as she can and might like to do so. I asked her to grab a pen and told her Id love to give her the kids schedules so she can participate. She told me that she was busy at the moment and could not take that info but we then went over it briefly in our conversation anyway. I told her I would be more than happy to have her help and involvement anytime and that I fully support her relationship with her kids. I also mentioned the possibility that if she were interested she might volunteer with their school and told her I would get a form from the teacher for her to fill out if she was interested. I agreed to talk to the teacher about the forementioned birthday visit with treats for the class and, that I would plan on her picking up our daughter to take her to school that day.

I invited her to participate in the dance lessons and voiced my dilema about making sure the kids were all fed and homework done while still attending the practices for each child which occur within an hour of one another for 3 hours total.

The kids mom then indicated that she would not be able to attend the dance lessons tomorroow as she just found out today yesterday that she was going to have to appear in court for another matter. I had to kind of shrug that one off and giggle a bit because the night before she had called the kids and told them of her plans and my husband and I had gone back and forth trying to make a decision about her being there being a benefit. The teacher does not allow the parents to watch as it is a distraction. We had mentioned that to mom a couple of times and after she insisted she was going to be there and informed the kids of it, burst into tears over the phone with my husband because she was afraid of stepping on any toes.

Anyway I know I might sound callous but it just seems as if the pot gets stirred up and then nothing much materializes in the long run. It's a bunch of drama I'd like to avoid and shelter the kids from. BUT I am letting go of the idea I should need to control everything.

Thanks again for all the feedback and advise! =0)

Becky - posted on 09/22/2009

In a way it seems like you might be being a little selfish. But do not get me wrong I can totally understand where you are coming from. I mean this woman was gone for so many years by her own choice then wants to take it all over. I feel as if you do have a right to say something especially since her righs are revoked. But you do need to look at it in what the kids might see when they get older. If you try to keep it to as little as possible or you let it upset you infront of them they might believe you were trying to keep them from her. And who knows when they finally do see through her and if it is BS they might not even want to go with her at all

Lisa - posted on 09/22/2009

The kids can see right through parents...especially the ones that chose not to be there or the ones taking advantage of them; however, they also may want to try to "save" the parent and the parent's feelings by going with their bm to activities. But, I do see your point, she is being selfish, not you. In the long run, they will see who really cared about them and what influence was good and bad. I've had to bite my tongue a lot and this may sound like a cliche but, here it goes: Just pray to God that they don't get hurt in the long run. They will be able to make the right decision later bc of your influence and strong love. My husband had full custody too, and the bm influence can rip your heart out or make you out to be the selfish one but we both know we're not. Stay strong for your kids. lots of luck!!!!! Just be there for them as you've been all their lives.

Catrina - posted on 09/22/2009

I'd talk to your husband about this all. Maybe just letting her get the kids from school, or picking them up from the dance class...nothing that they might miss or be late to. You don't want them suffering because she was late. Have it be like a probationary period. But don't tell her that type of title is how you're gonna do things. Having things consistant doesn't mean she can't be a part of the kids lives. However, they are also not how she should be recovering from lifes ups and downs.



You have every right to feel upset by all your efforts, and very little if any from BM - and her say in seeing the kids. You are who they will see as stable and loving. They will quickly learn if she's the one who lets them get away with things and what not. You have to stay on top of it, because they will change by spending time with BM. Especially if she is nothing like you.



With the church attendance, I'd make it clear that the kids are with you guys. There's no reason for her to take them if it's not her time. But don't be territorial with the kids! You see BM, make the effort to send them to her and say hi! Be understanding that at times you will have to step aside and be silent. It's very complicated. But who knows, BM could be a different person. Then again there will be those times when you will be let down by BM, and you're gonna have to pick up the kids and cheer them up. Remind them no matter what she's still their mom, and I doubt that her love changed.



Feel proud that you have stepped up and taken these kids in as your own. You've put a lot of time and effort into raising them. Like you said, blood, sweat and tears...that's something that can't be replaced. Period. Remember to take it one day at a time and breathe

Sandy - posted on 09/22/2009

I feel you are doing your best by the kids so keep up the good work and remember she may want all these things now but your the one who has guided the way. The kids know who's there for them when they need.