Moms What Would You Do????

Dawn - posted on 01/16/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Here's the story...I would love to get some input on this situation.



I'm divorced for 2 years, remarried for one. Two kids. Great relationship with ex - out to dinner together (me, husband and ex with the kids), birthday parties with ex and all families..etc.



Then SHE moved in with him. SHE is a 43 year old, educated woman with no kids of her own. I was excited....really... A woman with no other kids, all her attention could go to my kids. Good thing... I thought.



I asked the ex when I could meet her. He put me off for months. Then he came clean. He said SHE would NOT meet me. SHE did not like me. And SHE did not want to be a "parental figure" for our children. WHAT??? Where did that stupid logic come from? I was not jealous of her, I was happy for their relationship. How could the woman not like me when she had never ever spoke two words to me???



I'm the kind of Mom who knew everyone in their lives', but I wasn't allowed to meet someone who they lived in the same house with!! I could not understand why I would be 'dissed' in such a ugly way. But I was ... still am.



Its been a year. I have never laid eyes on this woman who lives with my children every other weekend. I have never communicated with her. The positive relationship I had with my ex has turned to hatred after this nightmare of legal battles, fighting, etc . that only began after SHE moved in.



My hands are tied.



The kids like her just fine. She has little to nothing to do with them.

I've dropped it months ago...however, I cannot help but to hate this situation with a passion.



When my ex found out I was in a serious relationship, he specifically said that he wanted to meet this man who was "going to be in his children's lives". I agreed without hesitation. They met. I was stupied enough to assume he would be so respectful.



What do you think? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

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Heather - posted on 01/28/2009

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Kelli/Lisa whoever you are This room had nothing to do with you. It was the other half of Dawns' life one that you have nothing to do with so I think you should probably shut your hole. That said you should respect the fact that Dawn is trying It shows the kind of person she is. That she truly cares for all of the children in her life and wants to make things better. You on the other hand have shown how immature you are. And to make this known on my first response to this I have no idea who either of these women are I'm just stating what is obvious to everyone else in her. GROW UP KELLI/LISA

Lara - posted on 01/27/2009

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Hey Dawn! Have been reading your posts and I feel for your situation! Being divorced w/ exes and their respective spouses being involved in your children's life is the worst situation a person could be in, it is a lose/lose situation, it is always emotionally charged and there is no respite. The best we can do is be the best we can and be the most positive, sincere, honest person in the new relationships we have right now. I am very SLOWLY learning this as I wade through my own divorce, remarriage, stepson, 2 bio kids and my exes's current wife that he cheated on me with. I have a FAST temper and a knee jerk reaction, my wonderful husband is so sweet and kind and reminds me that that is NOT me, and I am better than the reaction I am having. Keep your chin up, it may never get easier w/ her, but your life can still be fantastic in spite of it!

[deleted account]

Good luck with everything Dawn! I'm sorry people are so immature and have to attack on a public forum. Talk about sneaky.. When my husband and I were dating, I was the "educated" woman with no kids of my own. The difference is that I went into my relationship with my eyes wide open knowing that my husband came with a wonderful gift, his daughter. Immediately one of my fears was that I wouldn't love my SD enough and that I wouldn't be a good step-mother to her. I really genuinely worried about this! Like your simple request for us to all just get along, I would ultimately like to get along with the bio-mom. It would be so great for my SD to see. But bio-mom has so much hate for my husband that I don't ever see that happening.

Angela - posted on 01/21/2009

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oh my!! I thought this forum would be a safe place to air your thoughts and feelings and get constructive help. Sorry about the stalking. Ive guessed the culprit. Thankfully the ex in my life,the bio mother of the stepchild that wont meet me is a techno retard and doesnt have fb.

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Dawn - posted on 01/29/2009

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Heather .. wow ...  thank you for that comment.   No, I don't know you, but I sincerely appreciate you.  Thanks for what you said. 

Danielle - posted on 01/27/2009

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I feel for you! But it is your children I am worried about most! My stepmother was the same - never wanted much to do with my sister and I , she just put up with us till we moved out on our own.. -even referred to us as "your kids" to my dad. We lived with her since we were 6 and 7 years old till 18. She didn't even have the ex to deal with - our mother left when we were very young.



My dad never said much - tried to ignore it and as long as there was no argument going on, everything must be ok, right?



Let me warn you - this will affect them their whole lives! I am now 32 and still have issues with her - she won't come to our kids birthday parties, holidays, nothing. Honestly, my 5-yr old asked me who that lady was that lives with grandpa! He STILL makes excuses for her absence every time! She is always invited and we are civil to her, but she simply wants nothing to do with us. Always made me wonder why she would even take on a "package deal" if she didn't want the package.



I myself am a stepmother - my husband's 15-yr-old daughter has lived with us since she was 1 1/2, and I strive to never let her feel as rejected and worthless as we felt growing up.



Your ex needs to realize that he needs to be a big boy and put his kids first!!!! By the way you said she is with them, I am guessing that they already feel that they are down the line in importance to him. Not that it should be a "contest", but they should be able to feel that they matter JUST AS MUCH as her. And he needs to make her see that they do, to

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

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When I typed the last post, I was rather angry that no matter what I did this woman always tried to find a way into my life. I had decided that I would no longer participate on the Circle Of Mom's board because of her. However, after talking to my husband and giving it some thought, I decided that I would not allow her to get in my way of doing things I enjoyed doing.

One valuable lesson for us all while dealing with the crazy baby mama's is to live your life - do what you like to do regardless of what she does to try to bring you down.

I'm staying - I'm commenting - I have insight to offer on being a stepmom and I will always accept advise. If she wants to change her name a thousand times, and dog me out on everything I write - more power to her. She just makes herself look crazier every time she writes something.

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

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 Kelli (who's real name is LISA)  ..... its a shame that you've got so much to say to you and you don't have the courage to say it to me directly.  You have my email address, my phone number and my address and you are too much of a coward to confront me directly.   



You are only hurting your own child.  My husband is so sick of your crap - he's sick of dealing with you always trying to cause problems.  He's read every word you've wrote here.  He knows its you too.



I don't believe for one second that you're done with this board.  You may even delete the Kelli profile - but you'll create a new one - because you just can't help yourself. 



You don't have stepchildren - you've never even been a stepmom - the only reason you're on here is because of ME!



But you can have the CIRCLE of MOMS all day - I'm done.

Kelli - posted on 01/23/2009

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Ia appears that someone thinks I must be a "troll" since I am the only one who did not exactly agree with this Dawn. I have participated in many posts here on this site and have never encountered such a situation. How sad that someone cannot accept the opinions of others when they are not in total agreement to their own. There was however another post here yesterday I was notified about which supported my side of the stepmom situation but it magically disappeared. I thought my husband's ex was bad but appears to be heavenly compared to this lady. I read he definition of a "troll" as you suggested and there was nothing in my post even closely argumentative. It does however appear your posts have been very angry in regards to your ex and his new wife. Ladies I thought this was intended for help and advice but I guess if we don't get the advice we ask for in the way that supports us then it is considered to be "troll" material. Dawn I am sorry for you as it appears you need help far beyond what this forum can offer you. I will not be derogatory or argumentative but you must clearly have "issues" that can not be addressed here. Good luck to you! BTW Ladies, let me tell you that this Dawn woman sent me a "friend request" yesterday which is completely out of my realm of understanding. It appears that this new SM and the ex husband are in for a heck of a long ride. Either way, I will not engage in this post anymore as it appears that Dawn B needs attention which cannot be offered here. Again, I wish the best for you Dawn but unless you accept this new woman in your exs life, your kids are in for a rough time. As Angela said so profoundly, it is or should be entirely about the kids.

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

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Thanks so much Penny.  What sucks is that this mom is the Bio Mom to my step-son - NOT the same as the woman who I'm referring in this post.   The last contact I had with this woman was during the holidays trying to "make things right" for the sake of the relationship between my husband and his son.  My husband's relationship with their child was horribly strained because of all the crap she was constantly pulling.  He missed his son so badly; and they had just spent some time together a couple of weeks ago.  And now, she pulls this crap.  Needless to say, my hubby is fed up with her - again.  He's read all the board.  Neither of us are suprised .. this is nothing compared to some of the crap she's done over the past couple of years.  You have no idea ... 

Bettina - posted on 01/22/2009

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I'm really surprised that a man with kids would want to be with someone that wants nothing to do with his kids. It doesn't make sense. The kids will be there for the rest of his life...not until they are 18 as some think. It will be sad for him when the kids stop coming to visit him because his wife is such a bitch.

[deleted account]

Have you ever heard the saying "The calf comes with the Heffer". I think it is your ex's fault for wanting to be with a simple minded women. If you cant except my kids then I dont need you, but some times men can be spineless. Sorry for your termoil.

Dawn - posted on 01/21/2009

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Ladies, it appears we have a troll amoungst us.  (See Wikipedia.com for the defination of a internet troll).  My husband's baby mama has invaded this message board.



Her replies to my posts on this conversation where obviously  arguementative and now I know for sure, she's not who she says she is.



I really enjoy this board and everyone on here who is ligimate with real stories and real problems in regards to StepParenting.  I have gained a lot of insite.




This only goes to show, that an angry, vindictive babymama will go to any lengths to invade your life.  Watch your backs!!



 



 

Debbie - posted on 01/20/2009

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Gosh this post has bought out some things hasn't it? At the start of my relationship with my husband, I had to wait at the petrol station, while he pick up or dropped off the kids. The bio mum didn't want me anywhere near her, she called me names and such without even meeting me, then was quite happy to send her kids to me. The mind boggles. Anyway I eventually did meet her and we became friends, I went to her house to baby sit the kids while she worked (she had another child at that time, so thats why I had to do it at her home) She moved to be closer to us, I asked her to be godmother of my kids, she had my kids on holidays I had hers aswell, was working beautifully for a while then it all came apart, she changed I think I did to. At the end of it all, it was good that I did meet her and we had this relationship as it was great for the kids, but now I would have quite happily stayed at the petrol station, and not had all the heart break in between, We lost my step kids I lost my friend and my kids also lost out. I dont want her back in my life though, not for anything.

Kelli - posted on 01/20/2009

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Angela, you get it girl... that is exactly what I said in the last sentence of my original reply.....

Angela - posted on 01/20/2009

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the trouble with these conversations is that too little of the whole story can be told. There are always so many factors, its such a shame that ppl pick a statement and run with it. Dawn you dont need to justify yourself. It truely is common courtesy for a woman to at least meet the mother of the step children. Its also damaging if the bio mother wont let the kid meet the new wife as thats how my stuff started. Thats a fact. Whatever has happened. No one says you have to get along and play happy families. This is about the kids feeling comfortable. not having divided loyalties.

Dawn - posted on 01/20/2009

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Thanks all.



Another way I look at it is would you as a wife (or a live in girlfriend) refuse to meet your husband's mother?  Would you turn down an invitation for coffee from his Grandma?  Would you 'just not go' if his boss invited to two of you for dinner?  Saying yes to any of this is as rude as blowing off the mother of his children. 



It is a rude and thoughtless way to handle yourself as a woman, a stepmother and a wife.  I understand with every situation, there are different variables that play into people's action.  However, you must always treat others that way that you would want to be treated. 



The way I see it, my ex's relationship with this woman is doomed.  Its only a matter of time.  Ironically, one of the reasons our marriage ended is because of what a selfish man he was, always putting family last.  Now, it appears he has met his match.

Angela - posted on 01/20/2009

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woo! And I havent met the step son nor his mother. already judged without even the decency of meeting me. I even offered to meet her so she wouldnt be so scared about who her son was going to spend time with. I would want and have met those that will influence my childrens lives. As for what to do? You cant make her meet you. Hang on the the fact that the kids are ok with it coz thats important. However the question remains, what do you do at graduations, special events etc where kids want both parents available.? Thats the kind of sticky stuff I get with the stepson not wanting to meet me. Its really tricky stuff this family blending business. No easy answers. I try to follow my insticts to the best of my ability and hope you can too. good luck

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2009

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I am hurt by the situation with my ex.  I am hurt for the sake of my children.  My children deserve better than this.  They deserve parents who get along, communicate, and respect on another.  And that is exactly what they had before SHE came to town.  So, who's really to blame?  Her for pre-judging me in such a negative way or him for allowing it to be done?  Its confusing for me too.



At first I started typing all the childish crap the two of them have done to me in the past year, and then I decided I didn't have to prove anything to anyone.  Just imagine handing your children off to live in the house with a man and woman who have made it their only goal to destroy you finicially, emotionally, etc.   And all you ever did was asked to meet the woman for coffee?



In the relationship I have with my husband's ex, I handled everything very carefully.  I would never in a million years disrespect a woman with regard to her children.  Remember,  you stepped into their world.



You really should consider showing your husband's ex a little more respect or the drama will never end for you.  You're going to have to deal with the drama until the kids turn 18 - get used to it.  You can't ignore it forever. 



Here's a question for you ... have you considered how your behavior affects the kids?  Do you think the kids will always be ok with your absence in every part of their life?  Or do you plan one day to go to their mom and make an effort?  What are your plans for the future with your husband?



 

Kelli - posted on 01/19/2009

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Are you not reading my note correctly? I had every intention of meeting the bio mom but after many MIS-COMMUNICATIONS on her part which created extreme drama, I decided it was unnecessary. She tried to email me and set up times for me to come to her house and arrange unplanned visitation without the knowledge of my husband. Long story short, I am not a home wrecker as the previous response tried to indicate, I just think people should not judge without knowing the true situation and as a stepmom, I am sure you should be able to see it from both sides. I am sure you have been caught in the middle both with your ex and your husband's ex. Not all of us are evil...I am sure you are not as a stepmom. My only point was that this original post seemed more hurt than anything else and had already made an opinion without knowing the facts. It was also a bit contradictory...first the ex is great and has outings and parties with the family and now does not but she says later she knows he is the problem but she blames her....things just don't add up??????

Candice - posted on 01/19/2009

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I am so bothered by this sitiuation, I mean do people realize in this day and age you can trust NO ONE with your kids. People do you watch the news??? Children are our most precious possessions, There is no way on Gods green earth I would let my children near a person I had never met , Let alone spend every other weekend with them. I dont know about some people but as a mother of three and step mother of one I am very careful with all of my children. The least you can do as a step mother is be a Woman and meet with the mother of the child (children) so that she will have a sense of who you are and who her children are living with part time. Anyone who cant do this is a coward in my opinion and dose not deserve to be in your childrens presence. Furthermore, The affair proves what a coward she was and anyone who can even think to defend her must have had a similar situation. Only a home-wrecker would defend another home-wrecker.

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2009

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The reson I mentioned their affair is because I am certain that the exact reason why she refuses to meet me.  She's obviously insecure because of what SHE did. Little does she know, I don't care about when they started their relationship.



 



And the reason I mention her age and education level is because one would think that with age comes wisdome.

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2009

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Thanks for the comments. 



Kelli, as a wife of a man with an ex who has kids, I'm curious why you have not met the kid's mom?  You said she wanted to meet you and you were the one who didn't want to meet her.  Why?  Don't you feel that is disrespectful to the mom?  Have you tried to put yourself in her shoes?



I refer to this woman as SHE because as much I as do not care for her, I am mature enough not to plaster her name all over the interenet.



SHE is not the problem.  Its my ex.  I know that.  He's still so angry and hurt over  me for the divorce.  I wanted the divorce.  And then found out later about his affair with this woman during our marriage.  He lost his family and now, all is has is an employed girlfriend who he is supporting finically, a girlfriend who doesn't want anything to do with his kids.  I think that's pretty sad for him.



 My kids understand what's going on somewhat.  They spent over a year watching their Dad hang out with Mom and StepDad.  Now, even the 4 year old, asks why I don't go to Dad's house. I always speak positively to both of them to the kids.



I don't want to meet her anymore.  I am done with her and him for that matter.   I was curious if anyone else had ever experienced anything like this before.   



 

Kelli - posted on 01/18/2009

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I can show this to you from the other side of the situation. It appears you are upset about things other than what you mention. I, too, am a well educated woman who has no children of my own. The fact you mention her age, education level and no kids is irrelevant. M husband has two children from a previous relationship. They are 9 and 4. I have never met their mom and have no desire to. She did try to communicate with me but in sneaky ways without my permission, only to create drama. The relationship I have with her ex and their children is a great one and we all have a wonderful family, even though we do not have them here with us everyday. I can understand her reluctance to get involved with the whole "family" thing. My family is with my husband and his kids. It feels to me that you are upset for other reasons like maybe this is a situation you cannot control and the fact she does not want to meet you hurts your feelings. BIG DEAL! That is not even an issue. My question is why do you want so badly to meet or communicate with her. Your kids are yours and your exs, as long as the two of you communicate there is no need for you to communicate with her. That always has the potential to cause problems, I do not understand "SHE did not like you and SHE did not want to be a parental figure" part, you really do not know she said this and maybe she just wants to let you be the Mommy and their Dad be the daddy and she will be just another adult in their lives who cares about them and will be there when they need her to be. You also mention legal battles and fights, if the two of you already had that all ironed out before he met this woman, I do not see why you are now having issues in that way. I think you should reconsider the "hatred" you feel towards your ex as he will always be their Dad and you should treat him accordingly. Your kids will pick up on this and act accordingly and that is not fair to them. It does not look like you dropped this months ago as you are still very angry and you "hate this situation with a passion". Please stop referring to her as SHE as that could be me and I would not like to think my husbands ex refers to me with such disrespect. If you talk about her to the kids, use good judgment and call her by name.

Long story short, get over it, your feelings are hurt apparently and that has no bearing here. Let your ex be their dad and leave it there, he obviously loves them as he is spending time with them and they are not mistreated. I assume they enjoy time with their Dad, let them and leave it alone. Step back and consider your real feelings for reacting in this way! Sounds like you are focusing on your own personal feelings and not letting your children be first here.

Hope I have helped you to see it from the other side....

Lisa - posted on 01/17/2009

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It is a shame, but probably not a lot you can do. As long as your children like her and do not complain about any mistreatment....be happy. You must not "wrestle in the mud" with your ex husband. Be strong and keep your head up. Do not turn to anything negative because that is what she might be expecting. As long as your children can truthfully say that you do not speak ill of their father or his new wife...you've done your part.

It is probably true that this woman never wanted children and only tolerates yours. Again, that is a shame...but your ex chose this woman for some reason. If you believe in him at all, then you know that he would not allow this woman to be unkind to your kids. That is really all that matters! It's hard to accept, but you do not have to be a part of their picture. Your feelings might be hurt because this woman didn't give you a chance, but you can't change her mind. Accept that and be the better woman in this.

Rachel - posted on 01/16/2009

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Maybe she doesn't like the time you are still spending with the ex. She didn't have kids for a reason, she doesn't like them I guess. As long as she is civil with your children and not treating them bad, I don't see the problem. Maybe you don't think you are coming off a certain, but to her you could be. My husband's ex thinks she is the best person ever, I see her as a liar and a manipulative you-know-what. The new lady is not going to put her attention to your kids just because she doesn't have any. They are not her kids and she doesn't feel the way you do about them. I don't feel the same way for my step kids that I do with my own child. If your children are with you the majority of the time, it's cool you let your ex meet the man who sees them the most. My husband and I still haven't met the man who is raising his children, but his ex demanded her and I meet and we only get the kids every other weekend.
I believe that if an ex was so great and you were all positive, you wouldn't be exes now. So if I were in your shoes, where my ex had a new lady and my kids were going over there and I would have to trust my ex, if there was the "great relationship" you had with your ex was there. If there was any other kind, I guess there wouldn't be visitation. Let it go.
I kind of ran on a little long, sorry:)

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