more nasty emails!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 01/15/2010

I ALWAYS PRINT OUT THE EMAILS TO BRING TO THE NEXT FRIEND OF THE COURT MEETING. THEY LOVE PROOF AND IT THROWS HER OWN WORDS RIGHT IN HER FACE.

Mandie - posted on 01/14/2010

Oh wow Fran,

I can so relate. This is going to be a bit long-winded but bear with me- I have been thru all of this too. And like your situation, she kicked him out and he willingly left (b/c of her erratic and violent behaviour over the full 7 yrs they'd been together) which she clearly didnt expect- she thought he'd come back like he had all the many other times she'd kicked him out. Then, like yr BM, everything was fine until the day she found out that he was seeing me. Then all hell broke loose- first the lies began.... (and havent yet stopped) she told people we had been having an affair (since June of 2002, which was weird seeing as we didnt meet until Oct 2002) and that she had caught us having sex in their bed (we were at work at the time, so easily proven as a lie but the damage was done). What followed over the next 24hrs was one of the most frightening and horrific experiences of my life. I cant tell you about it for legal reasons but there was violence. From that day almost 7 yrs ago to this, both DH and I have had violent/abusive/obsessive/phone calls, texts, emails, letters and messages thru the children like you would not believe. Right now it's not so bad b/c there are legal restrictions in place, but they finish later this yr and I know it's going to go back to being that bad again. Like with yr DH, she has accused my DH of indecent dealings with SS's b/c we had to cut off our home phone to stop her ringing- literally- constantly. She would start with his mobile, which we would have to let ring out to avoid the stream of abuse, then she'd try mine, then the home line- this would go on for so long we would have to leave the house and leave our mobiles behind. Then we would get home to copious abusive messages. She would do drive-bys at all hours of the night and day. She even showed up to their divorce hearing engaged and pregnant to another man, with that man's mother as her support person and expected the Judge to believe that her and DH were still in marriage counselling, with a view to reconciling. Since that first incident, I have been spat on, abused, called everything you can imagine by both her and the children, acting on her instructions. I have had to sit thru interviews by all kinds of professionals involved in child services, law enforcement etc; and of course the joy of both criminal and family court proceedings. I even wrote or got the children to write every week when she was unable to see them for a period of time- I did this for the kids not her; but I didnt have to, I could have let her rot. We have even done specialised parenting courses for pple in our situation. We have also tried every form of intervention, mediation and communication with this woman and at some point it ALWAYS deteriorates into a messy, messy situation. Even the professionals have told us they have nothing else to suggest to us and that we just have to live with it and do our best. I also got the "she cant be there for pick ups" although it wasn't worded that nicely LOL- on several occassions. I have tried standing my ground and backing right off but she always finds a way to drag me back into it- even if it's only publicly slagging me on social networks or lying and raving to the kids about how I'm the Anti-Christ LOL. She calls DH my 'puppet' b/c she cant deal with it that he chooses to have nothing to do with her, and she blamesme b/c she used to control him with fear, she naturally assumes that I do too. This is the first time I have been so public about my story on CoM b/c she normally makes complaints to my supervisors (I'm a police officer) but I have now retired from the Police and I feel my story will help others like me. She once told me that she'd rather fight with DH than have no contact with him- that told me all I need to know about her mindset and and behaviour, as well as our future with her. I guess what I'm saying is I'm almost professionally qualified to advise you here- lol. I know how frustrating it is when people give well-meaning advice that seems sensible, but is not easy to actually live out and also doesn't apply to such a violent and compulsive person. The only thing I have found that even HALFWAY works with this woman is alienating her when she is being inappropriate. I agree with Kimmi, do not respond when she is being like this- she will eventually calm down and you will be able to later respond. That is what we do when we are FORCED to communicate with her and she knows that if she is vitriolic she will get no response until she calms down.

Amanda - posted on 01/14/2010

oh yes an document everthing she does and says so when the time comes when yo ubring her to court that you can explain to the lawyer how she's been. and you are concerned for the kids well being living in a stressed home, with negative talk. or someting like that. but always document when yo uhave them when she calls and keep every letter.

Amanda - posted on 01/14/2010

I know it would be hard to ignore, i use to get so fed up with my husbands ex but than i had learned to conquer is to show her love and patience and there not really our kids all we can do is let the children know that you are there for them and if they need anything that you would be hear, but by all means i would not fall down her road or you would be not better, court is not always the answer besides they can't stop everything ,i would just start focusinng more on the kids than i do on her reactions the time will come when the children see what the mother is doing they may always love her but may not agree, you just need to teach the boys how to love back no matter what the other is doing and one day you will win, that's what we did, and now we get along and can actually do things togehter somewhat. just focus on the kids that's all you need to do amanda cj

Rebecca - posted on 01/14/2010

Kill her with kindness. Or hold mirror to her face and n0ote that you know she is unhappy in her life and you know that misery loves company but your just not gonna jump into that boat with her.

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2009

Wish I had some good advice for you. When my husband was going thru his divorce we had to have the courts say that I was aloud to pick up his kids so he would have more time with them on his days. She didn't want me to pick them up at all. This was 7 years ago and she is still bitchy. Since she moved out of state with them and has final say with any changes in visitation we still have to play nice. We are thinking of moving there just to have joint custody then I can let loose on her......well at least give her some of her own medicine on changing visitation etc. Just remember that it doesn't matter what she says or does, you always do what is best for the kids even if you have to bite your tongue. It is aggravating. If you are worried she may be saying things to the kids, speak to them and make sure they understand from you and your husband what is going on and how much you love them. It will all come out right in the end as long as you are the bigger person. The children will see that actions will speak louder than words. My steps are starting to realize how much their mother is holding them back with things with their dad. It is hard but just think.......it is for the kids and you will make it thru.

Francesca - posted on 04/20/2009

yea they will, we never say anything negative to them, but we know she does all the time. the boys will work it out in the end. she can throw all the abuse at me because i dont care. its only i dont like bein told i cant be in the same street as her.

Eliesha - posted on 04/20/2009

I hear ya! My SS BM is very very similar.... and it's been 8yrs. Right now she's, believe it or not, just jealous of you. She's reaching the peak then things will simmer down. Your husband really needs to stick up for you. We never went to court either... for the same reason. What really sucks is that the children are seeing what she's doing and are put right in the middle of it all. You need to try to stay strong and keep showing them that you love them no matter what - be the bigger person. Believe me... they'll thank you for it and in the end you'll win because of it.

Francesca - posted on 04/20/2009

you are very true Di about stayin away for his day. we will just do something 2 weeks later, that way we can have pictures wiv him. i dont think she would ever hit me again as i went to the police the first time(she did it front of the boys) the email account is my husbands, he's not 2 good on the computer, and doesn't know wat he's doin. so she doesn't actually email me its for him. thats the only way she will communicate with my husband, he's not aloud to call or txt. which is actually quite nice. i never say a bad word about her in front of the boys,and i never spk to her and never let her no im bothered.

Di - posted on 04/19/2009

Francesca, speaking from a very similar experience, my advice is for you to cut all contact with this woman. When you are constantly hearing bad things about you and nasty comments etc..... it stirs you up and makes you angry and defensive. Let it go and let your husband solely deal with her. He can get another email in which you don't have to read all the nasty stuff. He will let you know if there is anything in them that relates to your sk's that you need to know. It doesn't matter what she thinks really does it?

My experience of holy communion is that it is usually done through the school and the parents don't get to decide the date. If it is a private affair, then I wonder why you would want to attend if there is a chance that she may become violent and assault you again. That was a part of the reason that I didn't go to my sd's confirmation, but the main part was that my bm was angry at the time, still is, and would have chucked a paddy over me being there, and that wasn't what my sd wanted for her special day. No kid does. Sometimes we have to do what is right for the child and principles have to be put aside. If it is going to cause trouble, and you have said she doesn't want you in the same street, I would suggest that you should give it a miss for your ss's sake. You wouldn't hit a wasp's nest with a big stick and turning up would be akin to doing just that. Your ss wont appreciate that you are just trying to be there for him, he will be upset that you caused all the trouble (thats how he will see it).

I know after I refused all contact with my bm, including having to be subjected to her nasty comments, it made a huge improvement with all my relationships. The girls are free to talk about there mother without it causing any tension for me, which caused them tension. It stopped dead in its tracks the arguments that erupted between my husband and myself. Free yourself up Francesca. Just let go of her, you married your husband, not his ex.

Francesca - posted on 04/19/2009

i would love to have the boys on our weekend, but bio mum will not allow that!! i show that her bein the way she is does not bother me. im the bigger person and grown up about everything

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2009

Ya I would either be as friendly to her in reply's or just ignore them. Would you take the boys on your husbands weekends? Is that what she wants? Kill her with kindness!

Francesca - posted on 04/19/2009

the priest said he didnt want toget involved as he has in the past and there were arguments. cant believe that she still lied to my husband even though my husband told her he spoke to priest. its fine though because i'll turn up on the day with a friend, and we'll also turn up 2 weeks later so he can have the day with us. (her sd also will be havin her 1st communion 2 weeks later) she wont want to lie again after she sees us there im sure :)

weather turned out really nice here, didnt rain at all

Kimi - posted on 04/19/2009

I'm surprised the preist won't intervien a bit. I know if bio mom were to ever plan my SD's baptisum on a day we was gone somewhere the bishop would make her pick another day since it is not about her. Also, as a minor both parents should have to aprove of any religous ordanance being done and that should include the time and where abouts. I'm not sure how communions work though so maybe this is an ok comprimise after all. Sorry about the weather. I hate beeing cold I would die.

Francesca - posted on 04/17/2009

I think i will go, i'll prob get a loud of abuse but my ss is all that matters not me or her. Its funny actually, i knew her from school and we were ok at the beginnin, well that was until my ss's called me mum, then it took a nose dive!!!

Shes moved on got married soon after us and now pregnant, i really dont understand her!!

You have lots of snow then?? we had a weeks worth, and it was our worse winter for about 10 yrs or so.

Heidi - posted on 04/17/2009

Well at least the priest gave you that option. I know when my son had his first communion his father was invited, but never showed up(supposidly had to work) but he sent his wife, his daughters(my sons sisters) the grandmothers and great mother in his place. Which was nice, but my son really wanted his father to be there as well.

I know its going to be trying times for you and your husband, and you guys may miss out on certain things, but is there any way that you could go to the Communion on your own or with a friend, and take some pics for your husband? I know it may be uncomfortable, but you would be doing it for your stepson, and your husband. I know I have taken my son on numerous occassions to his bio dads house to either drop him off or pick up, or for a Birthday Party, and yes its uncomfortable, but I did it for my son and no one else. My god I have even driven my exes mom to and from his house a couple of times, but no one seems to remember that either. I am always left to be the bad person. If my son asked me to drive him to his dads house or pick him up I would do it in a heart beat, but I know I won't do that anymore if his father asks me. I know things will be said and written on here, but you know what I know the truth and thats all that matters at the end of the day. I will do things for my boys and my ss, but I won't bow down to anyone else.

sorry to hear that it may rain there all weekend. We are in for sun and warm temps which sure is nice for change after the long cold winter we had.

Francesca - posted on 04/17/2009

Its a hard 1, just got back from seein the priest and he cant do anything but has said my husband should speak to her again, if that doesn't wrk(which im sure she'll just slame the door in his face)he said we can always come on another sunday after his commuinon so he can join in and have pictures done wiv us. i'll let ya all know wat happens!!!

weather here is chilly!!!!:( and think weekend will be rainin yet again

Heidi - posted on 04/17/2009

Hi Fran

I know where you are coming from thats for sure. I my husband and I first got together his ex didn't want me near her son, and after she realized that I could be a free babysitter then she would leave my ss with me no problem, mind you he is 18 now so its not an issue at all, and he has lived with us on a full time basis for 6 out of the past 8 years. Its now been just over 2 years since the bm has seen her son. She has had some issues and things went real bad for her, and honestly we don't even know where she is now. We have no phone number, no address, we have nothing. we stay in touch with her brother and he hasn't seen or heard from her in a couple of years later. I know it bothers my ss even though he says it doesn't, but its his mom and always will be.

I know from me posting on here other people will have there say as well, but I just wanted you to know that being a bm and a ss is quite rewarding, and can be quite challenging at times. I know things will work out for you in the end.

Racheal - posted on 04/17/2009

Hi Fran, I am so sorry to hear about the problems you are having. I am a mother and a step-mother. I have to deal with it on both ends, my partners ex has caused a lot of problems for us but in a much more manipulative way. I found that walking away from her when she was being rude and limiting any contact with her was the best way to handle her. If I was in the car during pick up/drop off, I would stay there. If she waved, I would wave back, but not get out of the car. Small talk was limited to just that. I also have problems iwth my ex, I am not sure where you live, but I got to the point where I phoned the police and asked what my options were. They currently have a file on him for everything that qualifies as harassment, if either they or I think it has gone too far he will be charged criminally. Every so often when he gets extremely difficult I remind him of this and he stops the abusive behavior. GOOD LUCK!!

Jaime - posted on 04/17/2009

Fran- I just re-read a few of your posts, and it sounds like our situations are quite similar.

Jaime - posted on 04/17/2009

It is easier said than done to go back to court. The finacial aspect is not a problem with us, just the time and the effort. My husband and I have talked about it alot, and realized it just isn't worth the fight. No matter what the judge decides or the new court order would state nothing would really change unless we enforced everything all the time (police escort??)

I too keep a journal, and save + print off all the many emails and messages we get just in case. I even print the ones off I send in response. I just find it so pathetic that bm's can't be happy there children have fun with there other parent and his new family. Just because the child/children don't live with there father and do miss out on things doesn't mean we love them anyless or wish they could be a part of everything we do. But the reality is they have the option of having 2 great loving families, as long as the bm lets them be kids. They need to let go of there anger, stop thinking their child is the only one getting the shaft and be happy for the child. There is nothing worse than hearing how horrible of a sm we are, why do they think we don't love and care for there children? Even though they are part bm, there is a part of our husbands in them, and you love your husband right!

I am very tired of all the fighting back and forth with my bm, really does it get us anywhere??? I am tired hearing how things are never good enough during a visit. I am at the end of my rope, almost dreading the ramifications of another visit. Not having my SS with us, just hearing about everything afterwards. I have never downgrading the way she raises her son, never judged the way she treats him, never judged the way her new husband and other children treat him. I know she would not put him in harms way, I just don't understand why I can't have that respect as well?? Not that I really need it, it is common curtosy to respect others.

Sorry I may have gotten off topic, Debbie I agree with what you have posted above. We need to realize that we all have our different opinions and need to respect one another. It would be a very boring place if we all thought along the same lines....

Have a great weekend ladies- weather where I am is supposed to be beautiful, put the keyboards aside and enjoy the long awaited warmth and sun shine!!!

Debbie - posted on 04/16/2009

Hi Fran I was just reading your post and yes Ive had the nasty emails from my hubby's ex too. It is really frustrating, annoying and hurtful. When we are the ones that look after the kids when they come and visit with the dad you think they would be more human toward us as they get a free babysitter for that time. The best thing I have found is to ignore them or block her. I have actually blocked the kids too as she was using their emails to send stuff to me. Now I dont have anything its bliss. The only contact she has or the kids have is mobile phone. Let Dad do all the business between her, stay out of it that way she has to controll on you as that is all she wants is to show you how big she is and she has the upper hand. you need to turn that around.



I just wanted to point something out to you also, your post is about getting nasty emails from your hubby's ex..yes? Well our problem with Heidi in the other post that you have replied on is exactly that. Only we have nothing to do with her and she keeps replying. She says she is defending herself and in her mind she probably is, just as my hubbys ex thinks she is and yours too i guess. Im not having a dig at you just thought I would defend Heather and try and make you see our point. If you still dont agree that's really ok you have that right.

hope you have a good day!!

Francesca - posted on 04/16/2009

thanks. we do as its gone on for so long now. we have a box wiv every thing in. it is so expensive and thats why she does wat she does, she knows we will never do anything to stop her. The boys will work it out in the end i hope

Amanda - posted on 04/16/2009

Keep every single email she sends you. And keep a journal of all the things she does to undermine your husbans's time with his kids. If you have some sort of record of everything going on you might actually be able to put a stop to it someday if you ever do have the money to go to court. We are in the same boat money wise. My father in law tells us all the time to go to court and fight her, but its too expensive. Good luck.

Francesca - posted on 04/16/2009

thank you, we will go there tomorrow.

Kimi - posted on 04/16/2009

She should have to change the date to acomidate him that's not cool at all and he should'nt allow it. I would recomend that he go strait to the minsiter himself to sraiten this matter. My church won't do anything with kids unless both parents consent to it and it might even be a law but I don't really know. He needs to put his foot down on this one. This should be an easy fix if you go strait to the church because they don't want to be involved in the drama and they could get in trouble for allowing it to happen.

Francesca - posted on 04/16/2009

its been quiet and we haven't had any replies yet :-) so we're happy, well that was until today when we found out bio mum had chosen a day for ss holy communion. its when my husbands away in TA, which she knew of. my husband is really upset as its a really important day for him.

Kimi - posted on 04/13/2009

Not sure if responding to insults is a good idea. Don't even let her know that you have read them unless it is about something important and save them all for court if you ever have to go.

Almas - posted on 04/11/2009

Don't waste your time on her. I am in a similar situation. Life just gets too messy, ignore everything she says and does. She can't run your lives for you. The reason she is an ex has everything to do with her and is not your headache. Wash your hands off her. The only way she has power is if you give it to her. If you don't go across the road and speak to a stranger, they won't speak to you either. Act as if she doesn't exist, it will wind her up more than anything. And she has no control over what you or your husband do. The kids are important, but then so are the people who care for them. Look after your family and act as though she is invisible. Always look smart, sexy and in control. Don't hide from her, you don't justify your existenece to anybody. Good luck.

Francesca - posted on 04/09/2009

she certainly does Jamie,lol. i must say we never bad mouth her in front of kids or to her( emails)  we sent a reply to email this eve, only answers to what she has said about us. We did write that he wants the boys to be proud of him, for us we have def found that it is better for us to write a reply. i think i have been very calm about everything, ie the slap or the demandin i stay away from her. Im so civil i aways get the boys to do cards for their mum(b-day xmas even there weddin) my oldest ss has said he is too scared to ask his mum to see us more, he's only 7 bless him.  he's even told me " my mum doesn't like you" i asked why does he say that, he told me his mum told him.

def think you girls are right, its a control thing, as she tried to tell mark what to do, that was until i spoke to him about it. then it was me, and now the boys. she can be as mean as she likes to me, but when the kids get involved i cant just stand back.

Jamie - posted on 04/09/2009

fran,

I think the best advice I can give is to ignore the bad and respond to the good. IF she says something nasty in an email ignore it, or if it s a lie kindly correct it. You can get yourself in trouble in court sometimes if MO says something and you dont respond. Dont give into name calling and such. If she says she saw you on the same street ignore that. If she says something that is a lie nicely correct it and leave it alone after that. ie. FA only joined the army as a hobby (risky hobby, lol, my hubbys is an mp), say no he wanted to do something the boys would be proud of. And never say anything after that no matter what she says. I dont know better how to explain this, but I work with the legal system on the family court end and have learned not saying something at times can be as bad as saying something. Just remember to keep civil and you dont have respond to everything, just any accusation. Shes got issues and needs a psych eval done lol.

Jaime - posted on 04/09/2009

Document everything you or your husband recieve thats for sure. I like what Deko said

"Stand by your Man". I have tried every different approach I can think of with our bm. I sometimes wonder if it is a game they love to play, hoping to break your marriage up. If they aren't happy, why should there ex be happy??

Good luck Fran!

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2009

i think that you should block the e-mails and when she does call or do whatever makesure that you right every conversation down in a note book, so if you ever do go to court than you will have something to go by, and when she is being evil don't say anything and always be nice in return and make sure she thinks it doeesn't bother you and cry when you get off the phone, the children are probably affected b it and if you don't feed the problem the children will learn one day, what you guys tried to do for them. well i wish you the best of luck and take care.

amanda

Deko - posted on 04/09/2009

I have to agree it is a control issue! Stand by your man.... Sorry I was singing to myself there for a second! Kerri is right!

Kerri - posted on 04/09/2009

Slapping is assault and you should not have to deal with that - and if the children were present she could be penalized by the court system for it.  She does not dictate (unless it is in an order) who can and cannot be present when picking up and dropping off the children.   I understand you not wanting to make things any harder on your step-children and that is perfectly okay.  I always agree with being the bigger person but when people clearly violate your personal boundaries then we have the obligation to stand our ground.  If she gets the idea that she can dictate what you are and are not allowed to be involved in then she is going to abuse that.  You need to figure out a way to be the bigger person yet still set boundaries for yourself and her level of interaction and control of you.  This sounds to me like a  huge control issue.  She no longer has it over your husband and is using your children to get it.  She is also using you in an effort to control this situation. 

Deko - posted on 04/09/2009

You shouldn't have to hide anyways. She doesn't want to see you or be in the same area you are when ever she has to drop off the kids? Yet, she much trust you enough because if she didn't trust me her boys wouldn't be coming over to you for you to help care for them.

She just really needs to get over it. She has a man so what is the problem? She just wants Mark to be unhappy because she is.

You don't have to hide and stand by your husband's side because that is where you belong now not her! She will have to get over it. Your husband will take care of business I hope for his sake.

Francesca - posted on 04/09/2009

she hates the sight of me she thinks i stole her man!!! well thats what comes across. they had mediation last yr and she said that i can not be around when mark drops or picks kids up. i did it for a while, but i got sick of hiding in shops, at the end of the day, she has the problem not me. she even slapped me last yr.

Kerri - posted on 04/09/2009

Fran - what gives her the right to say you can't even be on the same street as her?  I dont exactly understand that but it sounds like she has some control issues. 

Francesca - posted on 04/09/2009

sorry 2 hear that!!!

its not so much at me, its at my husband. Basically the kids are a weapon, but they always are!! shes def jealous of what me and my husband have. she cheated for 6 months mark tried to forgive but it was to hard, he moved out and she was happy for him to, well that was till i came along.she met an older man he moved in and was daddy to the boys, which has been really hard for mark.but he's happy if the boys are, so the boys started to call me mummy, im happy for them to, but to me im fran.

ever since then shes hated me,which i can totally understand but when you encourage them to call her bf(now husband) at the time daddy then it should work both ways.

it really gets me down, and i know i shouldn't let her. Shes now sayin i cant even be in the same street as her, its gettin really petty,dont know what to do!!? i dont want to hide when ever shes around.i've kept all text messages and emails, mark even stated recordin her as she accused mark of doin something terrible to the boys. how can a mother lie about something like that!!!!!

im tryin to be a good person x thanks for your help

Deko - posted on 04/09/2009

I will have to agree about being nice. I was the ex-wife of an Army soldier whose husbands current wife was the one being nasty about everything when it came to my kids. So, I was still nice & I told her that I was keeping any letters and priting off any emails she was to send from that point on with every nasty thing she said to me and when we goto court, I was going to use that against her character. Not only that, I also told her that I would show my kids that this was the kind of person their dad left me for. It all stopped.



I know it is not the same situation as your's but I basically told her whatever she writes me or leaves on my voicemail will be used against her, and I think she realized what kind of damage she was causing for herself.



Keep it up! Don't give up! She sounds like she is hurt because she wants to be you and thinks that she may still have feelings for your husband. Trust me, she is probably jealous that your husband joined that military and you will benefit from that and not her. Being the current wife is hard enough, but it gets even harder when you are a military wife.



I wish you the best of luck. In the end, after all the drama with the other wife, my ex-husband was killed in Iraq last August and the other wife has nothing bad to say to me now because she was really insecure about George. It doesn't matter though, because I know I was not the one being nasty and I have no regrets and she is now that one dealing with all of what she's done to people when he was here.



Good Luck with your situations. I hope she can get past all of this. Just "HANG TOUGH" and be the good person you are!

Francesca - posted on 04/09/2009

it would be great if i could block her, but thats the only way she communicates with my husband, shes very petty. We've tried the really nice approuch but that doesnt seem to work either.sometimes we find emailing back an answer to what she says helps. we as stepmums do an amazing job but we're the ones that get the hassel. we all deserve a medal.

Yasmin - posted on 04/09/2009

Be really really nice to her.It is so hard to keep hating or being nasty to someone who is so nice to you all the time. and for a little bonus they usually hate it when you are nice to them. put yourself in their shoes how would you feel if someone you hated was always really really nice to you? Hope it helps

Alichia - posted on 04/08/2009

It would be nice to just return back to sender just like you do the junk mail that comes through post. She would then argue that she was sending something important.

Kerri - posted on 04/08/2009

Can you block her emails?  Certain programs allow you the option to "block this user."  That might help you.