My 14 year old step-daughter is giving oral sex to boys as a stepmum how do I handle this???

Nicola - posted on 07/03/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My 11 yr old son told me that his 14 yr old half sister (my husbands child with ex-girlfriend) told him she gave a boy oral sex. Her own mother does not know but I did tell my husband. We don't know how to handle this b/c we have to protect our son from his sisters wrath and deal with her promiscuous behaviour. She has been my stepchild for 13 years, and she has regular bi-weekly access with us.We want to involve her mother in this as she is her primary caregiver. To make matters worse the girl has been telling others that she did this.....consequencly she has lost half of her friends from school and the boys at our lake lot are all now trying to get into her pants!

We (husband and I) have no idea how to handle this situation.

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Megan - posted on 07/04/2010

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This sounds like a cry for help to me. What 14 year old girl tells her 11 year old brother something like that or others, so it can get back to her parents? It sounds like a classic tale of wanting you all to find out so you can help her say no. My mother always said that one of her jobs as the mother of teen girls was to be able to be used as the bad guy by us. When we didn't feel comfortable we could always blame her. Like "Let's sneak out." "My mom would kill me, can't do that." Are we sure she wasn't pressured or it isn't something she regrets? By all means you all need to be involved, you BD and BM. It is possible that you are her impartial ear. Sometimes SM play that role. I think you need to get over the fear of the betrayal by her brother. This thing is too big for that and will likely lead to trouble down the road. Help her have the guts to say no.

Megan - posted on 07/13/2010

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I like the scare tactics also. But I agree that this is a clear cry for help. There is something this young lady wants and needs to talk to someone about, and a professional would, in my opinion, be the best option.

@Megan: My mom said the exact same thing to me about being used as the bad guy! I have recently been thinking what a great line that is!

Sarah - posted on 07/13/2010

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Nic, I'm hands off too - not to be included as a parental role. Any concerns I have go through my husband. We are hoping that DH and BM can get together and prevent future situations like you are experiencing now. But sometimes everything we do still doesn't work. It is sad to have such low self esteem but we continue to let them know we care and lead by example. my thoughts and prayers are with you during this rough time. I keep telling DH that he and BM need to pay more attention to her. Positive and try to give her the boost she needs to build her self esteem appropriately. I kind of like some the scare tactics others mentioned here.

Christina - posted on 07/04/2010

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There are a lot of good posts here. I pretty much have the same thing to say. Just come right out and talk to her about it. But don't stop there. Have her see a doctor and have them explain the risks of teen pregnancy, std's and also about low self esteem.
This really does seem like a cry for help. There is no other reason for teens to have sex, oral or other, except to prove something or get some kind of attention.
And just remember that if you keep it an "open door" policy, she will at least keep that in mind. Even if she never comes to you. My parents had that with me, and I appreciated it!

Georgetta - posted on 07/04/2010

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This is something all of you will have to tackle together and be on the same side. U guys can't just sit her down and tell her it is wrong and dangerous and the other party may have different feelings. This calls for a trip to good ol planned parenthood where she can be educated about sexuality. After that sessionl, I would sit her down as a family and discuss what she has learned and hash out a plan of action. Birth control might be an option, but u may be opening a whole other door to her starting to have sex. I would start with talking first. We started having the birds and bees talk with my son when he was 7 because he older brother, being proud, at 11, of the grown things he was doing would tell my SS. But we did let his BM know that we were starting the talk and why we were. Good luck.

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Betty - posted on 07/11/2010

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She needs to be seeing a therapist for a while. At her young age she is not doing this because she enjoys it so someone needs to dig deep and find out why she is doing it. Punish her by limiting her freedom and require her to read a book the focuses on self esteem. Poor thing :( I really do feel for her. What an awful thing to have to learn about at such a sweet young age.
It may be a good idea for your son to stay with a relative until this all blows over. She must have wanted you all to find out if she told him but I'll bet he's very uncomfortable right now.

Nicola - posted on 07/05/2010

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Thanks all of you......this is also hard for me b/c the bm doesn't want me to "act in a parental role" with the child. I feel stuck...I want to help....I'll do my best to support my husband to communicate with his daughter and her mother.....thanks again. Nic

Sheryl - posted on 07/04/2010

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please do these girls have alot of advice that I wish my mom would have done for me. Education is the key and helping with her self eesteem is huge that was my biggest problem and I struggle with it still at 29. If u want to chat pm me and I can give u more to my story I just don't wish to have it so public.

Danielle - posted on 07/04/2010

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I think all of you (BM, BD, and you) need to it down and have a talk about how to handle this. Your SD needs a little education well actually a lot from the sounds of it on STD's and the consequences of early sexual activity. As far as your end of it I would get some door and window alarms, make her account for where she is at all times, ground her for a good long while, put her on birth control, and find a good conselor for her. When girls start sexual behavior young it is usually a cry for attention and having an impartial adult that she can talk to may help her. Good luck.

Vanessa - posted on 07/03/2010

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Locking her in her room til she's 21 wont work?!
When sitting her down for "the talk" maybe talk about respect for herself and express dissapointment that she has such low self esteem that she feels the need to be used like this. Also a few googled pictures of VD around the mouth can never go astray - in other words scare the shit outta her!
My partners dad is a cop and he took him into the red light district at 2am when he was only twelve years and found the skankiest crack whore and paid her $50 to tell her story - how she ended up where she was and how much she charged to have men f*^k her up the arse so she could afford her next hit. Rather brutal, but effective! My man never touched drugs and has never touched a prostitute either! LOL
Google facesofmeth - thats scary- I understand that right now she's only discovering her sexuality, but at 14 - she's still a bubby really and it wont be long that someone offers her something to loosen up a bit and then drugs come into it too.
Upon re-reading this - I'm not meaning to preach, but I'd rather have my daughter aware of the consequences or her choices BEFORE she has to deal with the harsh reality in real life.
And I second the motion to get her on birth control too!

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2010

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Put her on birth control. You your husband and the bm needs to get together with out the children and talk about what needs to happen. after yall come to an agreement then all of yall need to sit down and talk to her.

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