My first bio-mom/step mom issue

Desiree - posted on 07/09/2010

I have the same problem me and my dh have been togehter for 6 yrs he has and 11 yr old dd and together we have a 4yr old d and a 7mth old s my sd mother just has custody for the cs she never buys her cloths and get money from the state for food she spends her times at her bf house , the local bar and the casino we have no problem with giving her the suppot if only she would buy the child the things she needs plus on top of that she has head lice everytime she comes and we end up shampooing her hair and telling her bm to get control of it but sd is also like all of them she twist everything around to make me look like a bad person and even tries to tell her bf that I am mean to her she isn't nice to my bd and I feel horrible for her! Then tells her bm that I let my bd beat her up all day its deff tough having a sd my dh is getting better at handling the issues it just has taken time since he is starting to see that she does try to get between us ! Good luck to you all with ur sc!

Meg - posted on 07/06/2010

I so hear you! I have the same issues with my partners ex wife and their children (15 & 18). He has had one other partner who experienced the problems as well, but after 2 years she gave up as she went into a depressed state. I am a lot stronger, I'd like to think and I'm in this for the long haul plus we have a beautiful little girl together. At the end of the day you need to just find a way of dealing with it all that works! Keep the peace as much as you can! Cause at the end of the day , the problems, shit stirring, brain washing of the kids etc will never stop! EX wives like obviously yours and mine are just pathetic and need to move on! You do what is best for your family and that includes that gorgeous SD of yours. When she is in your house it is your rules and guidelines. Her mother cannot get upset if your house is run differently to hers!

Lazara - posted on 07/02/2010

Well, you sure have a problem. I have been with my husband for 11 years, and i tell you things get worse when it comes to step daughters, cause they will always twist your words around and tell thier mother everything that happens in your household their way, get ready for numerous phonecalls. My husbands ex still can't stand me. and her daughter now 15 is very sneaky she goes thru my laptop and other personal things, then ofcourse, tells her mother. Let me stop my horrible story and give you some advise, at this age she is surely to play sides, just always be nice to her, make sure you say the right things, and that is a bit difficult ( which I know). Your husband needs to step in and tell her what ever happens in his house is none of her buisness as long as her daughter is being treated fine, and he needs to always stick up for you, no matter what the situation is. But never punish the child, let him do that. You continue to be a great step mom, and just take her earrings off when she is at your house, and have him tell his ex to keep the earrings when she knows the child is going to your house, always look for other ways to stop the conflict. never let the ex know that she is starting trouble in your home. just start taking things away that will cause trouble, and words, well, so what they are just words, just make sure the Ex knows you are not going anywhere.

Tanya - posted on 07/01/2010

Rachel, that is great I hope things turn out for the best for all of you. When everyone can get along its best for all the kids involved. My middle SS who is 9, his mother and I get along great and that is all my SS knows, She has never tried to do anything to cause any problems for me and the BD. It is nice knowing that some people can be mature enough about certain things. And the best place to vent about things like this is on here. I usually call my mom LOL

Erin - posted on 07/01/2010

really glad she apologized, thats very decent of her, and its also awesome that your SD cares so much about you! Im jealous! lol! :)

Rachel - posted on 07/01/2010

I do need to mention, BM did call and apologize to me THRU hubby dearest, so I guess that's something. According to her after she called and got so rude the other night, SD was up crying most of the night because she thought I wouldn't love her anymore and was mad at her. Me and SD are spending the day together tomorrow and I plan on letting her know if she has a problem with me or something that goes on in my home she needs to come to me or her dad first and then if she still has an issue she needs to talk with us and her mom all at the same time. For the most part we get along really well when it's just the 2 of us or just us and the babies, it's when you throw her dad and my daughter into the mix (either seperately or together) that there are problems. Her and Sammi fight like sisters should.

Deb - posted on 07/01/2010

Dear Rachel,

I have been on both sides of this fence. I was/am a step daughter and I have 2 step daughters...So...when my Dad married my step mom, I did not like her...they had started dating when I was between 12-13 yrs old...and married when I was 18. I guess because I felt loyal to my mom, I treated my step mom HORRIBLY!! Anything and everything I could do, I did. I never "yelled" at her, but I wasnt nice, I too twisted and turned her words to my mom, I guess to make my mom feel better. I lost my dad after they were married for only 11 mos. I didnt speak to my step mom for the next 21 years. I blamed her for everything. Nothing was her fault except for loving my dad. Now all these years later, I called her and apologized for being such a bratty kid. She apologized to me, I didnt think it was necessary, but she did. It is very hard to blend families together. I guess what made me realize how bad I was to my step mom was after I became a step mom. My step daughters did not speak to me for 15 mos. all because I didnt ask them to stand up with me and their dad when we got married. ( although I know that their mom had a bit of nosiness in that one)...but between us, we had 6 kids, if they all could not be in it, then none were...they finally came around when their dad told them to give me a chance, that he loved me.

Now, where am I going with all of this? It may be long and drawn out, but kids pit the parents against each other in every situation, because they dont know how to accept change. All you can do, is to be there for this little girl. she is probably very confused...and it does not matter how long you have been with her dad. you dont know what is being said to her mom, other than "your picking on her earrings", one day she will realize that "hey...ummm she was right"...when her ears are really hurting, she will take care of them along with everything else that you try and teach her...I can just about bet you any amount of money, that the BM is putting these earrings in her ears just to tick you off...when she comes over, talk to your hubby and show him how bad her ears are. Either take the earrings out while she is in your care, or make the dad take her to the doctor when they are infected and let the doctor tell him what you have been trying to tell him for quite awhile now. It's is difficult, but they do come around. It may take several years, but it does happen. Tell your husband too, that he does not have to listen to BM yell at him...he has joint custody and this is HIS child too...when he looks at her ears, he should be concerned. She is probably allergic to most earrings. alot of people are. Good Luck and dont give up on the child...she didnt ask for her parents to be divorced and she will realize sometime that you are a blessing in her life. You add to her life, you dont take away from it. Good Luck to your family!

Erin - posted on 06/30/2010

As far as the child goes, its pretty normal for young children to twist words. Especially if they are campaigning the adult they are talking to to be on their side. As a teacher we get that alot. Kids will twist the words into their version of "the truth" and to them it usually is. Children take bits and pieces of conversations and comprehend them as they will. then they make it extreme when they tell their parents. the fact that she might not be able to wear jewelry anymore was probably all she heard. And as far as Bio goes....hate to say it but get used to it. Thats just how Bio's are. They LOVE it when they have something to B@#ch about. So take that with a grain of salt. And biting your tongue is the best thing you can do to keep the peace. trust me. it won't be the last time you will have to. Just vent on here!! :)

Tanya - posted on 06/30/2010

Rachel,

Your hubby sounds like mine...he use to say the same thing to me about his ex...I remeber when my sd started her cycle and her mother called to tell me ( this is when we were kinda speaking). She asked me to show her how to use a tampon. I was like are you serious. Its to bad that the BM acts at times like her child is in her way of her life. I hope that the SD takes cues from you and her BD on how t hings shoudl be done. My SD is just like her mom, manipulitive, vindictive, and twists things just like her mom. I hope that your SD is young enough that she learns right from wrong.

Megan - posted on 06/30/2010

yeah it's a tough call. both me and the BM are going through depression so she says she can't "do it" and "it set's back her progress" when we tell her you can't just not feed a 2 yr old on time/ not take her on your weekend/ before this weekend, she was only taking her one night a week and one night a weekend IF that. & we'd later come to find she was drinking her friday & that's supposed to help her condition? All you really can do is be there for the child as best you can as I'm told by my mother.

because think about your SD and how she feels when her mother is pushing her towards you're family and away from her's? & that's what i keep telling my BF. the children are still too young to understand any health problems and/or emotional problems and sometimes are quick to answer their own questions, like "why doesn't my mommy want to spend time with me" or "why doesn't my mommy make cleaning my ear such an importance". But the way your SD seems to be taking it is quite like mine, just like her mother. acting only as she has seen her mother do and YOU can't do anything but tell your hubby to tell you're SD that she can't behave that way or she will get grounded from tv or w.e & only he can stick to it.. As far as the BM tell hubby to tell BM she needs to get her act together or she won't be able to see her daughter until she does because as i said, children act only as they see their Mother's act if daughter's usually.

Rachel - posted on 06/30/2010

Megan that's just the latest and I guess the "small" thing that finally just made me say enough. My hubby is the one to clip fingernail and clean out ears and all the hygenic stuff also. We've dropped SD off (after having her almost 2 weeks strait) and she was telling her mother about the sprinkler we bought and she said well if you want to go back to your dad's and spend the night again that's fine" and kept pushing her to leave with us. We've offered to give up one of our week nights when we knew we were going to have SD over mom's weekend, again, and she said she didn't want her b/c she was going to a concert instead oh and can you keep her an additional night too. The sad part, all of this has happened over the last 2 weeks alone but this kind of stuff goes on all the time.
Tanya ~ hubby is great he backs me up with the SD but tends to ignore the exwife just because it's easier. he says "why do you let her get to you so much she knows she pisses you off that's why she does it?"

Megan - posted on 06/30/2010

are you kidding !? i'd rather deal with that issue then the issue right now is along the same lines.. been in my bf's daughters life for the past year and has become really attached (not intended) and since i've noticed how careless her mother is with her and tried to mention things to the bf about it and it just got worse.. i babysit her on weekdays and noticed yellow ears and almost threw up with how many Qtips it took to clean them & her finger nails seems to be i'm the only one on the job, and did try to say something to the mother who couldn't even feed her dinner the last night of her weekend..

when and if you ever get an answer to this question.. PLEASE let me know!!!!

Tanya - posted on 06/30/2010

Sounds like my husbands ex as well. It does not get any easier. If she anything like my husbands ex she is going ot do everything in her power to make your lives misreble. The worst part is your SD has already learned the art of twisting things and causing problems. MY SD is 18 and trust me the last 6 years have been good and BAD and right now they are bad. I just hope your husband supports you on all aspects. I could go on and on but all I can say is stand your groung and dont give them any reason to get you in trouble in any way. I know its hard to bite your tongue and on some matters you can" that I understand but on most let them dig there own hole.