My own letter to biomom

Lisa - posted on 01/04/2010

I envy any family who gets along with biomom and family. The biomom in our picture is highly combative, selfish, childish, and does NOT have the best interests of the kids at heart!! It's highly discouraging. I'm going to write about it in a different thread.

Angela, i'm happy it works out for you - and any other stepmom out there who gets along with biomom.... those are some stable kids!! I wish I could have that experience.

Angela - posted on 01/04/2010

I think it's a necessity for any child, biological or step child, to know that all their parents have their best interests at heart. I also think that whenever possible it can only benefit the children if their parents and step parents get along. My husband gets along with my ex husband, my daughter calls them both dad, neither of them have a problem with this, my step children call me by my name but it wouldn't bother me if they called me mum, i get along well with their mother and step father and we all work together to keep the same rules in each household. I think it's probably an exception that my family and extended family work in this way but it is most definitely better for all the children involved , 5 altogether, to know they have the same rules , levels of respect and love from each and every one of us involved in parenting them. We have had no negative bahaviour and all the children accept each other and behave well towards each other, they also think it's great that they have more brothers and sisters !!!

MaShanna - posted on 01/01/2010

Quoting Natasja:

Quoting MaShanna:

Wow. Tammy that's great. I wish it was that easy for me. My SD gets confused sometimes and once accidentally called me mama infront of her mom. She lost it and even screamed at her kid which in turn made her cry. My SD's grandma (who is actually her mom's SM) has instilled this vicious cycle of insecurity in her. Then she takes it out on my hubby and the relationship with his daughter. I for the longest time longed to be called mom because at the time we found out about her I had no children and had been told since the age of 18 I would never. But it's almost like I have to hold back because the retaliation is more than unbearable. I don't know how to be there for her and not get hurt or have her hurt in the process.

Hey sweetheart, it's a hard long process. Don't get me wrong, hubby and I fight all the time over my SS. He is ODD and VERY difficult to be around and the only reason I have it a bit easier with my sks is that the bm is out of the picture as far as a parenting role. She is there as a friend, confidant and someone that understands my sks because she IS their bm. We also started off as friends back in Junior high ... but that all set aside. Every situation is different, and it would be a perfect world if we could all get along. At one point, before my sks bm left, I sat her down for coffee and we talked. I told her that while she was their bm, we had custody of them and we HAD to work together to raise these children. That if we kept fighting, trying to be the better parent, or whatever - it would adversly affect the children in the long run. It would be THEM that got hurt, not us. I don't know what your relationship is with their bm, I don't even know if you and hubby have custody but maybe - if you tried to sit down with bm and work out some issues that the two of you have - it would get better. My hubby and sks bm DO NOT GET ALONG for any reason. He actually hates her but I have always kept the two seperated. He says whatever makes this easier for me, and happy ... he will stay out of. I told her, that we are friends, not her and hubby. etc etc You both need ground rules. IE bm wants this, you want that - compromise. Talk about Mama (name) My son called his sm, Mama Trishy for a long time. We all have to be adults and remember it's not about us anymore, its about our children (sk or bk) and as Tammy said - children call who they are safe and secure with Mama OR if there are other children, who every one else is calling Mama because children DO NOT WANT TO BE DIFFERENT or set aside. I'm not saying you have to her friend if you don't want to be but I do know that having more than one mom to love you - is the best thing a kid can ask for! My daughters have two dads and two moms that love them, my son has two moms and two dads that love him and my sks have two moms that love them as well. How can we go wrong with so many people loving and protecting our children?

I agree with you. That's how I feel 100 %. My best friend is the only parent in her kids' lives but she said she wouldn't care if they called their SM mom because that's let's her know their comfortable and because they know who their mom is. Not the case for my SD BM. She has been so screwed up by her SM who is her mom that she calls mom that she doesn't even remotely consider the possibility that another woman could love her child. She is furious when the baby kisses and hugs me and/or tell me she loves me. She's even told me her child is nothing to me or MY son (her full brother) and I need to face that fact. She doesn't acknowledge the fact that I have a great deal of responsibility in raising her because I am married to her father. She has stated more than once her child will be kept away from us if she suspects that any decision my husband has made regarding their child  has had any of my input.. I know it sounds bad but I have to hold back alot of love and attention to guard my heart. I've done so much to accept this child especially under the circumstances that we found out about her (please read my post: FOOLISHNESS. It explains the situation). And I can't keep getting hurt. I have my own child to worry about because no one else does. And it's not fair to him when mommy doesn't wanna play because she's sad.

Natasha - posted on 01/01/2010

Quoting MaShanna:

Wow. Tammy that's great. I wish it was that easy for me. My SD gets confused sometimes and once accidentally called me mama infront of her mom. She lost it and even screamed at her kid which in turn made her cry. My SD's grandma (who is actually her mom's SM) has instilled this vicious cycle of insecurity in her. Then she takes it out on my hubby and the relationship with his daughter. I for the longest time longed to be called mom because at the time we found out about her I had no children and had been told since the age of 18 I would never. But it's almost like I have to hold back because the retaliation is more than unbearable. I don't know how to be there for her and not get hurt or have her hurt in the process.

Hey sweetheart, it's a hard long process. Don't get me wrong, hubby and I fight all the time over my SS. He is ODD and VERY difficult to be around and the only reason I have it a bit easier with my sks is that the bm is out of the picture as far as a parenting role. She is there as a friend, confidant and someone that understands my sks because she IS their bm. We also started off as friends back in Junior high ... but that all set aside. Every situation is different, and it would be a perfect world if we could all get along. At one point, before my sks bm left, I sat her down for coffee and we talked. I told her that while she was their bm, we had custody of them and we HAD to work together to raise these children. That if we kept fighting, trying to be the better parent, or whatever - it would adversly affect the children in the long run. It would be THEM that got hurt, not us. I don't know what your relationship is with their bm, I don't even know if you and hubby have custody but maybe - if you tried to sit down with bm and work out some issues that the two of you have - it would get better. My hubby and sks bm DO NOT GET ALONG for any reason. He actually hates her but I have always kept the two seperated. He says whatever makes this easier for me, and happy ... he will stay out of. I told her, that we are friends, not her and hubby. etc etc You both need ground rules. IE bm wants this, you want that - compromise. Talk about Mama (name) My son called his sm, Mama Trishy for a long time. We all have to be adults and remember it's not about us anymore, its about our children (sk or bk) and as Tammy said - children call who they are safe and secure with Mama OR if there are other children, who every one else is calling Mama because children DO NOT WANT TO BE DIFFERENT or set aside. I'm not saying you have to her friend if you don't want to be but I do know that having more than one mom to love you - is the best thing a kid can ask for! My daughters have two dads and two moms that love them, my son has two moms and two dads that love him and my sks have two moms that love them as well. How can we go wrong with so many people loving and protecting our children?

MaShanna - posted on 01/01/2010

Quoting Tammy:

Quoting Dawn:

Actually despite of what you may think, I am NOT a biomom, I am NOT jealous of ANYONE and my LIFE DEFINATELY DOESN'T SUCK by NOOOO means. There is nothing but peace and harmony here, no "baby mama drama", no arguments between me and my husband, me and my SK or me and the biomom...why is this? B/c I KNOW my place.If my mother and stepmother had known their places, things would have been nice and peaceful as well. Stepmothers that try to act like moms causes confussion in the SK, often angers the biomoms (as well as her entire family) and cause to put your husband in the middle of all the drama. I have a drama-free life and keep it that way. perhaps (not necessarily you personally) if step moms would just take a step back and let the parents be parents and let them do their jobs all would be well. Your specific case, however, they actually probably need a tangible mother figure. But in cases where the mom is involved directly in their children's lives, don't need two mothers. If the mother has passed, incarcerated, or bailed out, then, and ONLY then, is it up to us to step in (such as your case is). One of my stepdaughters tried to refer to me as "mama Dawn" at one point and I nipped that in the bud real quick. I knew what kind of mess that would cause, I would be very irritated if I had a kid to call their stepmom "mama" anything. FOR ALL THE STEPMOMS: I hope you can have peace and harmony in your households this Christmas season!

Dawn dear I am a BM, SM, and have daughters who have a SM. I also have had SM's, and SD's since I was 2 yrs. old. I am here to tell you as a person who has experience in all of these situations that you most likely did some serious irreversible damage to your future relationship with your SD. No matter how nicely you may have told her she couldn't call you mama dawn, I can guarantee you that what she heard in her heart was, "honey you are not my bd and I don't love you like one therefore not good enough to call me mama." This she will remember for life and when she is going through her teen yrs. of hell she is likely to retaliate against you. In the end you WILL have "baby mama drama" because of it. I will say as a BM, YES it hurts to have your child call another woman mom, but as all of us know either from experience as kids ourselves or from experience with our children, kids call people "mom or dad" as a sign of love and respect. I have friends that I have had since jr. high as well as friends from adulthood whose parents I call mom and or dad. Out of respect for my parents I don't call them this in front of my own parents but when they are not around then yes I do call them this. My parents know I do it and they understand, but I love my parents and respect them therefore I do my best not to hurt their feelings. My kids also try not to call others mom in front of me. It's called respect. It's the same as people who have family friends who have been family friends for years and call these friends, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, brother, sister etc. It's all the same. When people love other people and respect them as people they show it by calling them by a name of respect. For those BM's or BD's out there who would get upset by this type of term of endearment then I would say they have their own insecurity issues. Yes, I expect it to hurt ones feelings, but to blow up over something like a term of endearment is extremely immature, rude and uncaring. Personally, I wish my children had a SM that they loved and respected enough to call mom. It would make me feel better knowing that they have one more person in their lives that they love and trust and respect enough to go to in times of need. My kids had a SM who they called mom, and she was a good woman who loved my girls like they were her own. This was a good thing cause that let me know that I could trust her with my girls and I didn't have to worry about their safety and well being. Their dad's present wife on the other hand is not worthy of being called mom by her own son. I constantly have to worry about my children's well being when they are with this woman. Thank god their father recognizes her lack of parenting skills and therefore doesn't leave our kids or hers alone with her unless absolutely necessary. My SS and SD do NOT call me mom on a daily basis but when talking to friends or introducing me to someone they do refer to me as mom. Again, it's respect for me that causes them to do this. As well as respect for their BM's feeling that keep them from calling me mom regularly and I am okay with this. Good luck to all and Happy New Year's to you all.

Wow. Tammy that's great. I wish it was that easy for me. My SD gets confused sometimes and once accidentally called me mama infront of her mom. She lost it and even screamed at her kid which in turn made her cry. My SD's grandma (who is actually her mom's SM) has instilled this vicious cycle of insecurity in her. Then she takes it out on my hubby and the relationship with his daughter. I for the longest time longed to be called mom because at the time we found out about her I had no children and had been told since the age of 18 I would never. But it's almost like I have to hold back because the retaliation is more than unbearable. I don't know how to be there for her and not get hurt or have her hurt in the process.

Tammy - posted on 12/31/2009

Quoting Dawn:

Actually despite of what you may think, I am NOT a biomom, I am NOT jealous of ANYONE and my LIFE DEFINATELY DOESN'T SUCK by NOOOO means. There is nothing but peace and harmony here, no "baby mama drama", no arguments between me and my husband, me and my SK or me and the biomom...why is this? B/c I KNOW my place.If my mother and stepmother had known their places, things would have been nice and peaceful as well. Stepmothers that try to act like moms causes confussion in the SK, often angers the biomoms (as well as her entire family) and cause to put your husband in the middle of all the drama. I have a drama-free life and keep it that way. perhaps (not necessarily you personally) if step moms would just take a step back and let the parents be parents and let them do their jobs all would be well. Your specific case, however, they actually probably need a tangible mother figure. But in cases where the mom is involved directly in their children's lives, don't need two mothers. If the mother has passed, incarcerated, or bailed out, then, and ONLY then, is it up to us to step in (such as your case is). One of my stepdaughters tried to refer to me as "mama Dawn" at one point and I nipped that in the bud real quick. I knew what kind of mess that would cause, I would be very irritated if I had a kid to call their stepmom "mama" anything. FOR ALL THE STEPMOMS: I hope you can have peace and harmony in your households this Christmas season!

Dawn dear I am a BM, SM, and have daughters who have a SM. I also have had SM's, and SD's since I was 2 yrs. old. I am here to tell you as a person who has experience in all of these situations that you most likely did some serious irreversible damage to your future relationship with your SD. No matter how nicely you may have told her she couldn't call you mama dawn, I can guarantee you that what she heard in her heart was, "honey you are not my bd and I don't love you like one therefore not good enough to call me mama." This she will remember for life and when she is going through her teen yrs. of hell she is likely to retaliate against you. In the end you WILL have "baby mama drama" because of it. I will say as a BM, YES it hurts to have your child call another woman mom, but as all of us know either from experience as kids ourselves or from experience with our children, kids call people "mom or dad" as a sign of love and respect. I have friends that I have had since jr. high as well as friends from adulthood whose parents I call mom and or dad. Out of respect for my parents I don't call them this in front of my own parents but when they are not around then yes I do call them this. My parents know I do it and they understand, but I love my parents and respect them therefore I do my best not to hurt their feelings. My kids also try not to call others mom in front of me. It's called respect. It's the same as people who have family friends who have been family friends for years and call these friends, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, brother, sister etc. It's all the same. When people love other people and respect them as people they show it by calling them by a name of respect. For those BM's or BD's out there who would get upset by this type of term of endearment then I would say they have their own insecurity issues. Yes, I expect it to hurt ones feelings, but to blow up over something like a term of endearment is extremely immature, rude and uncaring. Personally, I wish my children had a SM that they loved and respected enough to call mom. It would make me feel better knowing that they have one more person in their lives that they love and trust and respect enough to go to in times of need. My kids had a SM who they called mom, and she was a good woman who loved my girls like they were her own. This was a good thing cause that let me know that I could trust her with my girls and I didn't have to worry about their safety and well being. Their dad's present wife on the other hand is not worthy of being called mom by her own son. I constantly have to worry about my children's well being when they are with this woman. Thank god their father recognizes her lack of parenting skills and therefore doesn't leave our kids or hers alone with her unless absolutely necessary. My SS and SD do NOT call me mom on a daily basis but when talking to friends or introducing me to someone they do refer to me as mom. Again, it's respect for me that causes them to do this. As well as respect for their BM's feeling that keep them from calling me mom regularly and I am okay with this. Good luck to all and Happy New Year's to you all.

Shandee - posted on 12/31/2009

Lisa; Thank you so much for the encouragement. I agree with you completely in keeping my relationship with my ss clean, guilt free, full of love and commitment. I love him like he was my very own blood. Our son is 5 and already understands the relationships he has with each of the beings that love him. Thank you again.

Mell - posted on 12/30/2009

this is a really good idea wish i was strong enough to write one even if its not sent but the same goes for us as your going threw xx

ELizabeth - posted on 12/30/2009

Lisa that was a great letter! You are a good writer and I'm a step mom myself but at the moment don't have my step-son living with me. But I remember when he was little I was the one taking care of him when she was around. I was the one who got up with him every morning and made him bottles and changed his diapers and played with him. Not her. ME. I will always be a contant part of his life wither she lives it or not...

Lisa - posted on 12/30/2009

Shandee, I urge you to write a letter...from your heart. I didn't give this letter to the biomom, god, it would cause so much trouble! lol. But it's good for OUR hearts and peace of mind to get all the dirt and grime out, particularly so we don't accidentally let our hatred of the biomoms bleed into our relationships with our stepkids.

My 11 year old sd said to me, "You know, my mom really really doesn't like you."

BTW, this kid LOVES me.

And I said, that's ok. "Your mom and I will always love you and have your best interests at heart."

I didn't tell her I hated the very ground her mother walked on.... I never let my stepkids know I detest their mother, even though SHE trashes both my husband and me to them. The other two are 6 and 3. They'll grow up like the 11 year old has to see what a loser their mother is. They need no help from me. It's sad how they must live with the mother's mistakes, the drugs, the arrests, the homelessness, the dangerous boyfriends.... but we can only control what happens at OUR house. At OUR house there is love and structure and discipline and more love. The kids thrive with us. Our oldest, the 11 year old, knows what her mother does is bad. And still, they all love her. Isn't that odd?

My husband said something comforting to me: the kids love their biomom out of obligation. There'll always be a tie there.
But they love ME so much because I EARNED their love. Through my efforts and because of WHO I AM.... they love me.

And I will forever love them. In her coloring book, the 11 year old wrote, "Dear God, thank you for my stepmom Lisa. She is the nicest and best stepmom ever."

That was my best Christmas present. She doesn't write that about her biomom.

Melissa (England), thank you for the compliment you left on my page. I'm honored to have made an impact on you. Feel free to keep in touch if you like and I, too, urge you to write your own letter, even if it's one you never send, like mine.

You see, I'm a writer by nature and I find I'm much less stressed and upset when I write things out.

Best to you all,

Lisa

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

Beautiful letter. I never knew that other tep mothers felt the same way.I have been with my husband for 13-years. I ontroduce my stepchildren as my own i.e. This is my daughter & this is my son. I feel that children can never have to many people love them. I cherish every snuggle and kiss I get.

Shandee - posted on 12/30/2009

OH and he calls me Momma. I did not tell him otherwise because his BM is not a mother. Never was and most likely will never be.

Shandee - posted on 12/30/2009

I love the letter. But how do I write a letter as nice as yours but with complete honesty. I want to strangle the BM to death at times. Her selfishness, ignorance, self pitty, sickness, and craziness gets the best of her. So how do I put all of that nicely? I cannot. I wish for BM and son to have a relationship but I cannot see that happening. My "step" son and I have this impeccable relationship that she nor anyone else can grasp or understand. I do not call him my "step" son because he isn't to me. I wish it was different but it isn't. I think I need to write a letter but I do not know exactly where to begin. HELP!

Melissa - posted on 12/30/2009

I LOVE this letter. I did not know there were so many people dealing with the same issue. I always hear bad thing's about deadbeat dads, but you never hear anything about the bio moms doing any wrong.

MaShanna - posted on 12/30/2009

Well my SD on occassion has accidentally called me mom. She calls her mom by her first name and her grandmother mama. She knows that most parents are married and calls her dad daddy and naturally assumed that's what she should call me. I corrected her and told her to call me by a nickname that she made up and is respectful. However I think using mama is situational. My SD BM calls her stepmom mama but is livid if anything of the sort is uttered in reference to me. I think it just depends on the situation. Everybody's is different. We all have to work out our situations the best way for ourselves and I think everyone should respect that that's how it is.

Natasha - posted on 12/24/2009

Quoting Dawn:

If my mother and stepmother had known their places, things would have been nice and peaceful as well.

One of my stepdaughters tried to refer to me as "mama Dawn" at one point and I nipped that in the bud real quick. I knew what kind of mess that would cause, I would be very irritated if I had a kid to call their stepmom "mama" anything.

Just because you had a bad experience with your family doesn't mean you should punish your sks. That's a terrible thing that you apparently went through but you did tell me to know my place, therefore DID attack me. Furthermore, a child calls the person that they feel safe and secure with, that they feel love from Mama; I feel it's terrible what you did to your sd. How bad that must have hurt HER. Who cares about your feelings or that of the sm. If she was being that person the child could love and trust, there wouldn't be an issue. While you're trying so hard not to cause problems from the sm; you may be emotionally damaging your sd.

Also, my son lives with his father, and calls his step-mom mom .. I have no problem with that because I know that since he was 4, she has cared for him as I would. When he turned 14, he stopped calling her mom and started calling her by her name. That was his choice from beginning to end. It has never and will never be a competition to who is the better mom .. we are all moms - all three of us; me, my sk bm and my sons sm. We have our childrens best interest in mind.

Dawn - posted on 12/24/2009

Actually despite of what you may think, I am NOT a biomom, I am NOT jealous of ANYONE and my LIFE DEFINATELY DOESN'T SUCK by NOOOO means. There is nothing but peace and harmony here, no "baby mama drama", no arguments between me and my husband, me and my SK or me and the biomom...why is this? B/c I KNOW my place.If my mother and stepmother had known their places, things would have been nice and peaceful as well. Stepmothers that try to act like moms causes confussion in the SK, often angers the biomoms (as well as her entire family) and cause to put your husband in the middle of all the drama. I have a drama-free life and keep it that way. perhaps (not necessarily you personally) if step moms would just take a step back and let the parents be parents and let them do their jobs all would be well. Your specific case, however, they actually probably need a tangible mother figure. But in cases where the mom is involved directly in their children's lives, don't need two mothers. If the mother has passed, incarcerated, or bailed out, then, and ONLY then, is it up to us to step in (such as your case is). One of my stepdaughters tried to refer to me as "mama Dawn" at one point and I nipped that in the bud real quick. I knew what kind of mess that would cause, I would be very irritated if I had a kid to call their stepmom "mama" anything. FOR ALL THE STEPMOMS: I hope you can have peace and harmony in your households this Christmas season!

Natasha - posted on 12/24/2009

Quoting Dawn:

All though in a nice and perfect world it would be nice to be all chummy-chummy w/ your sk biomom but it BY FAR NOT a good idea. Yoo much drama arises w/ those situations...I have seen them first hand. Things maybe going nicely now but they will bite you in the butt later. Kids should only call their mother's mom, mama or the like, NEVER stepmoms. A chile only has ONE father and ONE mother. You are what you are, STEPmom, remember your place in this world. If it was intended for you to be their mother, God would have had you give birth to them. Seems how the biomoom id, only she is mom.

Are your freaking kidding me!? Maybe your god knew I couldn't carry another child so they did it this way? I am NOT thier stepmother. She left when my son was 2 and my daughter was 4 and I have been in their lives for the last 12 years. I have kissed their pain away, tucked them in bed at night, potty trained him, taught them how to read - loved them always. I know my place - it's right beside my sk holding their hand with love and compassion. You sound like a bio mom that is competeing with the sm ... you sound jealous because I have something you aparently will never have. The undivided love from their sks. The bm and I have been friends for the last 25 years. So ... my world is perfect! Don't attack me because you're life sucks! Happy freaking holidays!

Dawn - posted on 12/24/2009

All though in a nice and perfect world it would be nice to be all chummy-chummy w/ your sk biomom but it BY FAR NOT a good idea. Yoo much drama arises w/ those situations...I have seen them first hand. Things maybe going nicely now but they will bite you in the butt later. Kids should only call their mother's mom, mama or the like, NEVER stepmoms. A chile only has ONE father and ONE mother. You are what you are, STEPmom, remember your place in this world. If it was intended for you to be their mother, God would have had you give birth to them. Seems how the biomoom id, only she is mom.

Natasha - posted on 12/22/2009

PS I forgot to mention that me and my sk bio mother are the closest of friends. We talk on a daily basis - such as best friends do. I mention this because, ladies, there is hope. You can do this, you can have a great relationship with your sk bio mother. It does take a lot of work and love and understanding. Also, the only time I call my sk, step kids, is when I'm talking on circle of moms. The reason I do this is because there are different issues with bk and sk. I want people to know that I understand both worlds. Blessings everyone!

Lisa - posted on 12/22/2009

Natasha - yes, very good indeed!!!

Valerie - posted on 12/22/2009

Natasha - I love your definitions of mom and mother! they are right on!

Natasha - posted on 12/22/2009

This is a a great letter. I actually wrote and sent mine. I thank the gods that be everyday that their bio mother had them. I also never corrected them .. children will choose who they call mom or dad. It is and always should be their choice. This may be the catalyst that gets the bio mothers attention, if not, they are comforterable and safe in your arms. Allow them and yourself to have a mom, not just a bio mother.

Our definition of Mom: the one who kisses my ouchies, the one who tucks me in and reads to me, the one that loves me unconditional

Our definition of Mother: the one that was blessed and gave birth to me so that my mom could love me unconditionally

Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2009

WOW!
It touched me in so many ways. It's like these Biological Mothers are all the same.

Tammy - posted on 12/11/2009

awesome!!! I to wrote a letter to SK's BM only mine was about 6 pages long. I told her EVERYTHING her children were up to. You see she is in prison and wants letters from me and her kids. She constantly REMINDS me in her letters that she does NOT want to hear ANYTHING negative about her kids in my letters. Up until recently I did as she asked and NEVER told her anything negative, ONLY the positve. To be honest I had more to tell her about my BK than her own. Why? Because most everything there is to say about hers is NEGATIVE. I love them to death but they are reacting VERY negatively to her being in prison and her lack of attention before she went to prison. Therefore there is little to tell. Then one day I decided, "She is there mother and if she wants to be a good mother who is involved in her kids lives then she NEEDS to know EVERYTHING, good, bad and ugly!" So I told her EVERYTHING her kids have been up to and then I proceeded to tell her that SHE is the one who is responsible for their behavior and ONLY she could fix it by apologizing to them for her lack of parenting. She wasn't too happy with me, she accused of me of abusing her children and not loving them. She also proceeded to send my sk, her bk, letters through their hb. Which according to prison rules is a major no-no and can cause you to loose your mail priviledges. So I contacted the prison and spoke with the deputy warden and informed her that mom was, "piggybacking" her mail, (which is the term they use for what she was doing), the deputy warder said they would keep an eye on her mail from now on and if they saw anymore of it they would stop the mail and pull her in for disciplinary action. I feel bad about it because I want them to have contact but I want it to be controlled so we can prevent her from being negative about us with the kids. When she is negative with the kids about us they treat us absolutely horridly. In the end, I feel better having gotten my feelings out and I think given time, this so called "CONVERTED, god fearing, god loving, christian" BM will realize that I do love my SK and that all I do is in there best interest. Then again, maybe NOT. I mean I informed her that her 15 yr. old daughter is sleeping with a 19 yr. old guy and partying every chance she gets. Her response was to ask her daughter for her boyfriends address so she can start writing him letters and getting to know him so they can be friends and that maybe when she gets out then maybe she will move out of our home and go live with her and if she does then she will let her boyfriend stay with them too. Mind you, when she gets out my SD will still be under age and she has no choice in where she lives. But BM seems to think she can bribe her into telling the courts a bunch of lies so the courts will let her move in with her. The problem with that is that if SD tells lies to get taken from us then she will end up in juvie because BM will NEVER get custody due to her history of neglect, not to mention the whole prison thing. BM just doesn't think, she only knows that she doesn't want to continue paying child support, at this point she owes about $80,000. in back support, from before she went to prison. I think that she thinks if she gets the her kids back then they will erase all that back support and that is SO NOT the way it works. She will ALWAYS owe it until she pays it off. LOL

Chelsea - posted on 12/11/2009

Oh my goodness!! That is awesome!!! I will have to do the same! I really wish that my sd's bio mom would grow up...I have tried and tried with her and all she thinks of is herself as well. Sounds like you are a wonderful step mommy and those kids need you. Your doing a great job Lisa!!

Toni - posted on 12/11/2009

Lisa I enjoyed reading letter, it touched my heart that you care for these children so much. Its wonderful that they have you in there life. I am also a step mom to two girls, for the last 9yrs almost this Feb. The youngest 15 and oldest 18. Its a tough job being a step mom. Keep up the good work!

Mandie - posted on 12/11/2009

That's really lovely Lisa- and yr right, we get no credit for not taking their place, although we get told our 'place' often enough dont we?

Lisa - posted on 12/11/2009

Hi Corynn, thanks for reading and replying! Yes, I wish more BMs and Stepmoms would get along too. My own stepmom and mom got along well enough that I never felt any tension. I urge you to write your own letter. It's freeing, somehow. :)

Corynn - posted on 12/11/2009

That is awesome Lisa! I love this idea of unsent letters to BMs... I think I will actually write one myself lol Honestly, maybe in a few years I'll send it to my daughter's BM... after i adopt her lol I really wish the BMs out there could realize what we do for there kids and how much we just want to love them and take care of them... we all know we are not their real mother, but sometiems we have to step up to the mother plate because BM is either out of the picture, or is so immature and selfish that the kids don't have that person that they need... i just wish those women would understand, and i am grateful for the BMs and Stepmoms that can get along and take care of the kids together... i wish therewere more BMs out there that knew how to be mature for their kids sake....