my partner has inappropriate relationship with biomom...HELP!

La - posted on 08/02/2009 ( 33 moms have responded )

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Here's the situation. My fiance and his wife separated in April 2007 when she was prego with his 2nd child. He and I started dating in December 2007. When we met he assured me that he was only married on paper and he would get divorced when his son was born in Jan 2008 (he wanted to wait so that she couldn't deny him as the father on the birth certificate.) In Feb 2008 he proposed to me and since we were low on cash and I'm in school he decided to wait to divorce til we had the extra income to afford lawyer. I got pregnant in april 2008 and gave birth in Jan 2009. He and I constantly fight over the text messages that his still wife sends him saying that she misses him and how they take their kids to do things together all the time but doesn't take me and our daughter to do anything...not only does he lie to me about what she says to him, he allows her to think that he misses her and that she still has a chance of being with him if he and I don't work out. His latest slew of excuses for not filing for divorce have been: we can't afford lawyer (even though my friend who is a lawyer offered to help us for free), if he and I don't work out he can still go back to her (cause he wouldn't want to be away from both sets of kids if he wasn't with both me and bio mom), and even though he hasn't been with his wife and 2 kids for 2 years now and the custody agreement is already set he feels that getting divorced would somehow change his relationship with the kids. I feel extremely hurt that he won't commit to me and continues to hang onto his previous marriage. Plus when I catch him in a lie, he justifies it by saying that if I didn't get upset by what they say to each other then he wouldn't have to lie...but I wouldn't be upset if he WASN'T LIEING and if he WASN'T DOING SOMETHING HURTFUL TO ME! I know I should have seen the red flags when we first met and he wasn't divorced THEN, but hindsight is 20/20. What would any of you do or what do you think of what's going on? (Obviously this is a shortened version of the whole drama-if you need more info ask). Please offer ANY and ALL advice! I'm unhappy most of the time now, but I still love him and I still have to think about what's best for our daughter...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Elizabeth - posted on 08/05/2009

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I'm so sorry. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug or make this situation better. I have to agree with everyone though. If he is not willing to let her go and move on with his life with you, then you need to leave. I realize it seems so difficult with your daughter and everything, but you will make it. Don't let him treat you like that!! You deserve much better!

Amy - posted on 08/03/2009

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you are being played like a violin. he will never stop this behavior, she is his fall back woman if things between you two don't work. I have been there done that. Get rid of him now, see where he goes, he will be back in her bed in a day. Kick him to the curb! Good Luck!

Shalonda - posted on 08/02/2009

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I SAY LEAVE HIM THATS TO MUCH DRAMA FOR YOU AND YOUR ATTITUDE THAT YOU HAVE REFLECTS ON YOUR DAUGHTER YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WITH YOUR CHILDS FATHER FOR HER TO BE HAPPY CHILDREN ARE HAPPY WHEN THEIR PARENTS ARE HAPPY SO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND LET THE DRAMA GO! LET HIM BE WITH HER IF HE WANTS TO IT WILL HURT BUT JUST LOOK BACK AT THINGS YOU HAVE GOTTEN OVER BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE YOU GOT OVER THEM FINE YOU CAN DO IT NOW. GOOD LUCK!

Kayce - posted on 08/02/2009

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Well......all I can say is that is one very messy situation. I know that you do not need a lawyer to file for divorce. If you know what papers to get you can file it yourself. My husband went through a custody battle and until we got a trial we had to sit in family court and see all the people filing for divorce ON THERE OWN! He just has to present her with the supeona to court so she has a chance to be there to. It sounds like to me he is just holding onto his marriage for a backup plan. Also, is there any paperwork stating they are seperated cause tech. he is kinda cheating on his wife.



If that was me I would give him 2 options get divorced it is not good to keep holding onto the marriage if he wants to be with you. It isnt healthy for his kids to see that he is still married to mommy but acting married to you. Its either or ya know.



Second, if he doesnt chose it also in the long run isnt good for your daughter to see what he is doing as well. Even though children dont exactly know what is going on they can sense things. They sense the tension and the unhappiness. As long as he is still married and saying unappropriate stuff to his still wife you are going to be unhappy because I know I would be.



You deserve someone who is going to treat you right and not have some back plan if things fail. Every relationship isnt perfect but if you love each other you will do everythign in your power to make it work unless its affecting your child. I wish you the best of luck! Hopefully you can choose where he wants to be. Cause sounds like he really doesnt know.

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33 Comments

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Robin - posted on 09/08/2009

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Im sorry I couldnt even get to the second half, Im not trying to be mean but you got yourself into the middle of a sticky situation, it is just my opinion if anyone is still married they should do all they can to work it out and stay together, I believe in marriage for life, I know stuff happens, but if they are STILL married, they have some not so nice words out there for other women who step in before the divorce happens or is final,

Not only were they not divorced but had they been the time from between leaving her and meeting you isnt long enough, that is called a rebound, Im sorry I just believe in the sanctity of marriage, even if there are problems, you are both wrong, I really think that you are nieve, I have seen this time and time again, and usually they go back to THEIR WIFE. She does come first as she is the wife not you, and even though it may hurt because you got involved and then had a child you should back out and let them have theif life.

Like I said Im not trying to be mean, but tell you the truth, sometimes that hurts, but in the end is what is best and right.

Good luck.

Lucy - posted on 09/08/2009

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Think about your daughter because what you are willing to settle for now is all she is going to expect for herself as a woman. You are her example of womanhood.... demand the best for yourself now and she will not only demand it herself as a woman she will expect it!! It is never too early to start teaching our daughters how to be healthy women!

DIane - posted on 09/08/2009

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What is best for you and your daughter is to be happy. He is using his still being "married" not to married you, but perhaps not to marry anyone. You should have an honest talk with him (or write him a letter if he won't speak to you) and tell him that you need things settled one way or the other. You know this story - it happens to women who "loooooooooovvvvvvvvve" him (that is what Montel Williams used to call it, "because I love him" with love drawn out in mutiple syllables). That was his way of saying wake up and take charge of your life. Your guy isn't going to make any changes when he can talk and/or bully or sulk his way out of it. A child with two happy parents apart is way better for your daughter than what you are all going through now.



For all you know once you tell him life has to move forward he may surprise you. If he doesn't surprise you in a positive way then you've may a positive move for you and your kid. God Bless and good luck, sweetie. Dinae G.

Christina - posted on 09/07/2009

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Honestly, I strongly think that you should try to move on without him in a relationship with you. You don't need this, and neither does your child.
When she gets older, and this is still going on, she will be so confused and crushed when she finds out the truth.
The best would be to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You can't tell him he can't see your child, unless you get a court order that says so. So be careful what you say. But, seeing how he isn't entirely trustworthy, I would tell him that he can come to your place of choice to visit with baby, and then go about his way. I wouldn't count on the court helping you too much on getting child support out of him, because they tend to rule in the fathers older children get priority. It has happened.
Anyway, get away from him and her. It is drama that you don't deserve or need, especially when trying to raise a baby.

[deleted account]

I am so sorry to read about your situation. I wish you the best of luck. Be strong and don't take him back, no matter what he says. You have already taken so much crap from him. You deserve so much better and so does your daughter. Was paternity established at birth? I think you need to do talk to your lawyer friends and see what you can do. Why do you need a custody agreement established before leaving? I think you need to move out right away. Find somewhere for you guys to go for a few days. If you are scared to leave because of money, go file for assistance and get child support from him. You will be in my prayers!

Shannon - posted on 09/06/2009

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WOW! What would be best for your daughter is to get away from him....otherwise she will do the same thing. Break the cycle and dont let the father of your baby girl control your life. I have been married three times and when men make excuses like what you are saying it will never be a good thing..............NEVER!

Kim - posted on 09/05/2009

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I am sorry to have to say this, but a strong and successful marriage is built on trust. If you can't trust him now, you never will. You will always have that little voice at the back of your mind saying 'that was his phone, is it HER?' This man is full of shit. Fancy actually coming up with the line 'if things don't work out with you, I can go back to her...' OMG! Way to make you feel loved! Please don't waste your life waiting for a man who quite obviously hasn't moved on from his ex. Remind him that he chose to leave her and decide to marry you. You cannot wait forever! Don't give him the chance to take your child, leave with bub and be the best mum you can be. If he can't prove his stability in forming and maintaining relationships, then you will come out on top.

Take care, and good luck. Find a man who loves you, not one who uses you!

La - posted on 09/05/2009

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well looks like the shit hit the fan...I picked up divorce papers FOR him so he couldn't make excuses and have 2 lawyers friends offering to help us fill them out, but he didn't even look at the papers! Not only that, but I was going through the mail and found out that he hadn't paid our rent, car payment, utilities, or phone bills in 2 months, but he was perfectly able to spend $75 on his other daughters name brand sneakers (isn't that what he pays almost HALF his months pay in child support for?!) I was trying to make it work at least until I finished school so that I would be able to support me and my daughter better, but HE actually broke it off with ME. When I flipped out about him not getting divorced or paying bills he told me that he's tired of dealing with me and he wasn't this unhappy with his ex...so I'm guessing that's his way of saying he is leaving me for her. The real kicker is that he thinks he is going to take my daughter from me so that while he is at work his wife will watch MY daughter (keep in mind that she already complains about how hard it is for her to watch her own 2 kids and my daughter, which would technically be his affair baby cause they never divorced, is VERY fussy and is still primarily breastfed so how good of care will she possibly give her). He is already trying to fight dirty...I can't even leave unless I have a custody agreement settled cause he won't let me take my DD with me. Everything feels so bad right now.

Sonya - posted on 08/25/2009

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I know I am awnsering a bit late but I couldn't help but read your post here first things first I am so sorry to hear about your situation and he should not be having little conversations as the "texting" when you have kids with another person yes expect for them to talk expect her to be in your life as long as your with him but not constantly such as what you are seeing, it should be strictly business and about the kids only, and he is not divorcing the kids he would be divorcing his wife but he is trying to give you excuses. So I say don't give him a choice you tell him >> Get a divorce or start working on it A.S.A.P or your walking girlee, and you simply stated your friend would have helped for free yet he did not want the help, something is fishy and it seems like he is trying to have his cake and eat it too but just be careful and don't be played for a fool you don't need someone like that in your life but be glad you got your daughter out of your experience and she will be your strength to carry on :) Good Luck

Tabitha - posted on 08/24/2009

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well have you ever heard of have your cake and it too? My ex hubby did the same thing to me that your guy is doing to his wife the difference was he did not want our ddaughter he was mainly afraid of being alone in the end. if helps he is now married to the other girl and we have not seen nor talked in over 8 years.

Amanda - posted on 08/22/2009

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It is a long and bumpy road, and it doesn't get any easier. For every step you make with your man, she will take him two (sometimes three) steps back. She will play the "mother of his children" card for the rest of her life. You need to sit down and talk to him, honestly. Tell him that there are certain things you can and can't live with out. Tell him that you would never ask him to choose between you and his children, but it is time to make a choice between you and his ex wife (or soon to be ex, or whatever).

If he chooses to continue his ways regarding her, I think you have your answer. If he is strong enough to get out of her web, you've got a brave man in your life, and he deserves your love and appreciation.

Just remember, a womans intuition isn't something to take lightly...

Good Luck.

Brandi - posted on 08/21/2009

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I have been in your shoes for going on 10 years now. How bad is that, huh? Only difference? He was only engaged to his daughters mom and we've been married for 7 years. I have been taking care of his daughter like my own since the day she was born and I have done everything in my power to make him happy. We even have two boys together. He saw her constantly before we were married, thats how she got pregnant. He cheated on me the first 4 years of our marriage and I had to leave him to get him to break off the affair. He says that he has not touched her since but the situation is so much like what you are describing! She calls him, they hang out like they're still dating, he says that nothing is going on but nothing will ever make me trust him again. Sometimes men can change and should be given every opportunity to do so. But they can't change their basic nature. Nobody can. And if it's their nature to lie and cheat they will never stop. Both of our kids may grow up thinking this is what a marriage is supposed to be if we don't change something!!!

Laura - posted on 08/21/2009

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I'm back, and I've been really thinking about you. Being honest with ourselves is really hard. Even if you love on someone, and be the best person without whining will not make a person choose "the other thing" Like loving a person and doing whatever they ask will not make a person stop drinking. The solution to your problem is no different than any other "problem" with another person or addiction--don't have sticker-shock, but you are the one who will have to make the better choice. I personally want to hear that everything is going to work out the way I want it to--. Here is my take: The person sharing your bed is experiencing all the perks of a relationship and marriage without any responsiblity. You are the only one who knows how much crap you're willing to put up with. He will never change, mark my words--why would he--You understand: this is having his cake and eating it too...Having two women that he has children by bicker over him--She's never, never, going to be our of his life. You have two choices. Love him for who he is--all of him (disfunctional, noncommittal, abusive, dishonest, please add more here... OR you can choose a different path. Making a choice and moving on beyond the dream is very empowering--I know this from experience. It is so hurtful. But go back to the beginning--with the two of you living together without being married--I did this too--the expection is very low and it keeps going down from there. I really have been there. Even if he marries you. How much different do you think it would be with his ex in the picture and all his excuses? Does this man have any motivation? I know you love him because you wouldn't still be with him. But what we want is not what's best for oursevles or children. It's like having a baby, you're not the first to have one, and you'll live through it. You can do it. I'll be thinking about you--I promise my sitiuation was drinking and a golf course--but it took me 18 years to figure out nothing would change--now I don't sound so smart do I? My son is so happy now and he can go to his Dad's and get his Dad's undivided attentention--So we've both benefited. Hang in there.

Melinda - posted on 08/21/2009

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I can understand why you r upset. If it was me i would make him choose. If he loves you he should divorce her or he should let you get on with your life and find someone who would love only you. You deserve better. Goodluck

Kristina - posted on 08/21/2009

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Leave him, he wants his cake and to eat it too.. You do not need a lawyer to file for divorce.. You can pick up the packet at your local court house, staples or officemax. With step by step instructions.. the we can't afford a lawyer is just not valid. The fact that he even stated that if you don't work out he can go back to her is a level of disrespect beyond belief. Not only for you but for her and all the children involved.
Tell him poop or get off the pot.. if he refuses.. walk away.. just walk away it's not going to change..

Crystal - posted on 08/21/2009

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Quoting Laura:

I've tried to text her from my phone and tell her to back off on trying to be manipulative and trying to guilt him into going back to her, but she continues to do it in one way or another. Plus she forwards DD everything and acts like I am attacking and harassing her and it blows up in my face cause he doesn't defend what I'm saying. I have thought about texting her from his phone once he falls asleep but I know that she will ask him about it when she sees him in person and it will just make things worse for our relationship. He is already pissed that I check his phone (cause he still hides when she makes passes at him) so now both of us don't trust each other. He thinks I'm a snoop and I think he's a liar and he is playing BOTH of us to some extent



Your statement right there tells you exactly what you need to do. If you don't trust each other than you will never be happy. Sure you can try to work on your trust issues and resolve them but not until the problem is removed. It worked for me to show my husband just how much he is hurting me by keeping text messages and emails private. I started having my sister text me things from her phone number just as a different name. Men don't check the number just the name. After awhile he just couldn't take it anymore. So I told him about it and it finally dawned on him that he was killing me. That all the lies and deciet just weren't going to cut it. He is NEVER allowed to be with her alone. By alone I mean either you or some one YOU trust is with him. That killed most of her text messages that said I was with your man last night. Make an "open door" policy. Everything has to be out in the open. he knows all my passwords to everything and I know his. Text messages can be checked any time bye either party and cell phones are only used out in the open. I know it sounds extreme but that is what it took for my husband and I to start getting the trust back. Do i still check myspace and facebook for his name and location just in case, damn straight i do. The past can never be undone, but it can be improved for the future. Tell him straight up that you don't trust him and you want a decision now. What's you worst fear? Prepare for it and work out a plan, then tell him your ultimatium. If you are snooping then he has something to hide because there should never be secrets and he knows that. In all honesty be prepared that if he chooses her, when he goes back and tries to work things out, he will probably fail. Then he will want you back. It's up to you then to choose if you want him back. This was pretty much how my relationship played out only i was the one that was there first and we got back together. SHe was psyhco though, so that doesn't count. But now we're married and have been for 4 years. Of course it's much more complicated than that, but that's the basics. It all comes down to how much you want to put up with. Stand your ground and make him see what you see. I wish you the best of luck :) I'm here if you want to know anymore ways to knock him down a few notches because most times men just need a visual! 

Crystal - posted on 08/21/2009

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Quoting Laura:

I've tried to text her from my phone and tell her to back off on trying to be manipulative and trying to guilt him into going back to her, but she continues to do it in one way or another. Plus she forwards DD everything and acts like I am attacking and harassing her and it blows up in my face cause he doesn't defend what I'm saying. I have thought about texting her from his phone once he falls asleep but I know that she will ask him about it when she sees him in person and it will just make things worse for our relationship. He is already pissed that I check his phone (cause he still hides when she makes passes at him) so now both of us don't trust each other. He thinks I'm a snoop and I think he's a liar and he is playing BOTH of us to some extent



Your statement right there tells you exactly what you need to do. If you don't trust each other than you will never be happy. Sure you can try to work on your trust issues and resolve them but not until the problem is removed. It worked for me to show my husband just how much he is hurting me by keeping text messages and emails private. I started having my sister text me things from her phone number just as a different name. Men don't check the number just the name. After awhile he just couldn't take it anymore. So I told him about it and it finally dawned on him that he was killing me. That all the lies and deciet just weren't going to cut it. He is NEVER allowed to be with her alone. By alone I mean either you or some one YOU trust is with him. That killed most of her text messages that said I was with your man last night. Make an "open door" policy. Everything has to be out in the open. he knows all my passwords to everything and I know his. Text messages can be checked any time bye either party and cell phones are only used out in the open. I know it sounds extreme but that is what it took for my husband and I to start getting the trust back. Do i still check myspace and facebook for his name and location just in case, damn straight i do. The past can never be undone, but it can be improved for the future. Tell him straight up that you don't trust him and you want a decision now. What's you worst fear? Prepare for it and work out a plan, then tell him your ultimatium. If you are snooping then he has something to hide because there should never be secrets and he knows that. In all honesty be prepared that if he chooses her, when he goes back and tries to work things out, he will probably fail. Then he will want you back. It's up to you then to choose if you want him back. This was pretty much how my relationship played out only i was the one that was there first and we got back together. SHe was psyhco though, so that doesn't count. But now we're married and have been for 4 years. Of course it's much more complicated than that, but that's the basics. It all comes down to how much you want to put up with. Stand your ground and make him see what you see. I wish you the best of luck :) I'm here if you want to know anymore ways to knock him down a few notches because most times men just need a visual! 

La - posted on 08/20/2009

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I've tried to text her from my phone and tell her to back off on trying to be manipulative and trying to guilt him into going back to her, but she continues to do it in one way or another. Plus she forwards DD everything and acts like I am attacking and harassing her and it blows up in my face cause he doesn't defend what I'm saying. I have thought about texting her from his phone once he falls asleep but I know that she will ask him about it when she sees him in person and it will just make things worse for our relationship. He is already pissed that I check his phone (cause he still hides when she makes passes at him) so now both of us don't trust each other. He thinks I'm a snoop and I think he's a liar and he is playing BOTH of us to some extent

Amber-lee - posted on 08/17/2009

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The situation between myself and Biomum is good atm it gets rocky and we have our issues but at the end of the day its about our little girl so we get over it. reading your situation here's what i would do, text her off his phone and say to her what you want him to say to her, it'll cause an arguement and there will be a fight but i honestly think the sooner she gets it through her head the better. You're number one now she has to step back.

Brandee - posted on 08/16/2009

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I totally agree, but when I try to explain that to him he gets mad and refuses to admit or even believe that he is in the wrong.  Apparently I "whine and create drama about everything"...






Oh dear, I am so sry you have to go through all this! I wld think it was ownderful for him and ex to get along so well, however, there is a line! I think if your relationship is at the point that you need to check his txt mess (and with good cause for concern) and esp with finding what you are when you read them, it's time to let go. My time limit would be today! As stated in prev replies, divorce doesn't NEED lwyrs and even so, you said you had a friend offer...so what exactly is he waiting for?! And if he is turning the pages on you (as above) then there is obviosuly guilt there. How do you think he would feel if you were acting as he is? And with that, wouldn't your thoughts on his feelings be enough to stop you from doing such a thing? Then why aren't your feelings stopping him? I know how painful it is and how badly you want to hang on, but, what are you hanging on to?! GL! Feel free to talk any time!

La - posted on 08/15/2009

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Quoting Laura:

His texting and emotional energy is no different than an affair becuase is is obviously coming between your household and relationship. If you found out he was having an affair would you be so patient as to wait for the next two years and his excuses.



I totally agree, but when I try to explain that to him he gets mad and refuses to admit or even believe that he is in the wrong.  Apparently I "whine and create drama about everything"...

La - posted on 08/15/2009

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Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement. It's been really difficult lately to put on a smile. I feel suspicious, angry, and sick to my stomach most of the time...and the only times I feel like there isn't tension with us is when I ignore everything my gut tells me and pretend like he hasn't done anything wrong. When I act like nothing is wrong he can be GREAT, but I can't always ignore what I'm feeling. He "SAID" he told biomom that she has to lay off the texts about her wanting him back, but I don't even believe that he did and since there is no way of knowing for sure I still don't feel any better about the situation. I still can't sleep and feel like I should be checking his phone to see what BS I will end up reading. I really do WANT it to work, I just don't know how far I should let this go before it's completely not worth it for my daughter's sake...

Christine - posted on 08/15/2009

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It is so hard when you love someone and you keep hoping they will love you back in the same way. You deserve someone who thinks he is so lucky to have you in his life that he would never even consider doing something to hurt you. Remember this, a man is like that pair of shoes you tried on in the store, he can be just what you were looking for, the right size, the right style, the right color, the right price, perfect for what you wanted, but if the shoes hurt when you walk, you will not ever feel good while you are wearing them. The same goes for a man, no matter how perfect he is, or how many desirable qualities he has, if he hurts you, he is not the one for you!

Laura - posted on 08/07/2009

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Um, sweetheart, you are the one in this situation holding all the cards. You are the lucky one who can make a better choice for all parties involved and move on. He is feeding on your denial that he will ever committ. His texting and emotional energy is no different than an affair becuase is is obviously coming between your household and relationship. If you found out he was having an affair would you be so patient as to wait for the next two years and his excuses. You need to imagine yourself in 2 years from now, how quickly they will pass. What will you look like from the tension, rejection, mistrust, and disrespect from your "loved" one? Not one thing is going to change for him. But you can change! This is wonderful! You sound like you are really smart and and see through this screen of failure on his part. Makeing choices is so impowering--When you decide to let the "trouble" in your life GO, your life will be so much eaiser. I speak from the utmost inner experience--God already knows what is on the agenda for tomorrow--please remember happiness is temporary just like unhappiness neither are ment to last forever...you will make it--Your next step is a plan to either stay or kick him out--period.

Amy - posted on 08/06/2009

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You should put your foot down. It is NOT expensive to just FILE for the divorce. You can find already drawn up seperation papers on the internet for little or no fees. Tell him he needs to be seperated AT the Least before March and if he isn't then you will have your awnswer. Good Luck

La - posted on 08/05/2009

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Also, should I be concerned that he and biomom seem friendlier now than when they were still together? I've checked some of the texts she sends him and she talks to him like nothing has changed other than that he lives with someone else- as if she honestly believes that she still has a chance of being back with him. I know neither I nor my fiance can control what she wants to believe and I know they have to be friendly for the sake of their 2 kids, but where do you draw the line with how much they talk or do things together?

La - posted on 08/05/2009

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Thank you everyone for you support. I just wonder how long I should wait to give him the chance to move forward with the divorce. I finish school in March and once I start working I will have the income to either help pay fees for filing divorce or for me to get out on my own if he decides he doesn't want to be with me afterall.

Kayla - posted on 08/02/2009

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i know how you feel about the whole relationship. my fiancee cheated on me when i was 6 mo prego with his son's biomom. his excuse was he wanted to have his son & make it easier for him n his son but also wanted me. come to find out the only reason the biomom was going along with it was cuz she wanted the custody agreement changed. they played nicey nice for a while but she had alterier motives. well he found that out & has had nothing to do with her that way since. i think that it needs to be discussed with your fiancee about the whole situation. if he came clean with everything it will give u peace of mind. if u ever want to talk about the situation or need more advice on how to deal with getting down to the nitty gritty & help him let her go let me know. good luck!!!

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