My rant in response to moms on another thread

Betty - posted on 09/08/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

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To all you mom's out there who have never had a child born from someone else want to call you mommy because you live with them, cook their dinners, wash their clothes, nurture and love them. How dare you say it is not our place as step moms to worry about their behavior. We are moms too. When we started seeing their dads we had no clue how capable we were of loveing them as our own and no clue how difficult it would be to raise them. Most parents have the privlidege of getting their kids as infants, they don't suddenly have a 3 year old scribbling on their walls and climbing in their bed at night covered in pee. You just don't know what it's like for step parents so don't tell us where our place is or isn't. There I had my rant and I feel better(:

Moms were trying to tell a step mom that it wasn't her place to even care how her SS behaves when all she needed was a little advise.

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I totally agree!!! My daughter's egg donor and her stepsister once told me that I was nothing to my daughter and that all I was was another girl in her father's life, and yet BM lives across the country in AZ (we live in NY) and she has nothing to do with my daughter, no child support, hasn't shown up to court for custody (BM's mother has joint custody with us b/c we didn't have DNA proof of him being the father until she was 6 mos. old.). she doesn't make any kind of contact with my 2 yr old daughter, didn't send a christmas card last year, or a birthday card this year. She has been gone since last March/April, and moved to AZ in August of last year, and she tried telling me that I was nothing to my daughter. yeah, can't wait to get full custody on the 19th and strip BM's rights so when my fiance and i get married I can adopt her. I hate that some people say "you're only the stepmom" or that we're not these kids' parent when we are the one who accepts and loves a child that we did not give birth to and sometimes don't come into their lives until they are older and have to deal with their attitudes and behaviors and can't do anything about it. i was very lucky in that i was with my fiance while BM was pregnant, and then 6 mos. after she was born, we got the DNA results and was there since her infancy. she is now a little over 2 and i am very glad that i had the chance to help make sure that she behaves and is polite. i give every single "step"mother out in the world a bunch of credit for dealing with these types of comments and the way their stepchildren act sometimes. you are all very strong and i am glad to be a part of this community. sorry this was so long lol

Brittany - posted on 09/13/2010

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Im a step mom to two.. who i have raised for the last 3 years along with my husband.. My SD wasnt even 2 yet when she came to live with us and my SS wasnt even born yet, shortly after he was born we got him away from his BM after she was starving him- he was sick, and was called a failure to thrive case due to lack of caloric intake by more than one doctor.. which means he was starved. I was the one who nursed him back to health, I was the one there for ALL of his firsts, I was the one there for all of my SD accomplishments from 1 1/2 on. They have never known another mom but me. My hubby was granted full custody and BM has not even once used her visitation, MY kids dont even know her, she is but an egg donor to them. Just because I didnt give birth to them doesnt mean they arent my kids and I love them more than anything in the world and would do anything for them.. Recently we hired a lawyer and terminated BMs rights as of yesterday, next step.. adoption. For those people who dont know what its like to be a step mom or step dad, they have no right to say anything unless they have walked in our shoes, because its definately not easy!

Fuchsia - posted on 09/11/2010

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So very true. I am lucky that in our family step-parents get to have opinions (there is one on each side). When we need to make the big decisions the four of us sit down together to work things out. When SD is at our house she is under our rules and things are different at her moms. She is fine with this, but she is also 13. Her step dad and I have been in her life for years, so of course she loves and listens to us. Her bio-parents have both had to learn to be ok with this as it is reality and not going to change.

Brandi - posted on 09/09/2010

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Thank you for saying what I was feeling....lol!! I get told all the time that my sd is none of my bussiness but yet we have custody of her and we are the only set of parents that work and provide for this child. I go out of my way to get her everything she needs to start kindergarten and everything else she needs but yet get told I'm nobody. Not to mention the bm tells my sd that I'm nobody. It's very stressful having to deal with a bm who can't grow up.

Karen - posted on 09/09/2010

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I was recently told by BM that I am ONLY a step parent and everything involving the kids is between ONLY her and my husband. Bullshit. My SS lives with me and my husband and my SD lives with BM. SS calls me mom by choice. I have raised him for 3 1/2 years, loved him, disciplined him, nurtured him, taken him to appointments, coached his baseball team, dried his tears, etc, etc, etc. I may only be a step parent to BM but to SS, I am MOM. BM gets parenting time every other weekend. SS is 9 and in all those years, BM only called him ONCE for his birthday and that was only because she was in the process of taking us to court for custody and she had to try to look good. SHE LOST THE CUSTODY BATTLE!!!!! I despise this woman. She has made my life, my husbands life, and my "step"son's life pure hell. When SD comes to our house, BM even tries telling us what the SD can and can not play with. THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE QUEEN IN MY CASTLE AND IT IS NOT HER!!!!

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33 Comments

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Jenn - posted on 09/13/2010

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Agree with you 100%. Sadly there will always be closed minded people in the world and we can't change how they think or view the situation. All we can do is what we do best, and be there for our kids and our step-kids.

Catrina - posted on 09/13/2010

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When I first married my husband, my SD and SS started calling me mom but when BM heard my SS call me mom, she got upset and told my husband that they couldn't call me mom and I later found out that my husband made a promise to his EX wife that his kids would never call another woman mom. Both my SD and SS do call me mom but its only at our house and when BM's not around. They both made the choice to call me mom but now they call me mama-cat. Kinda cuite.

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There is no STEP in parenting. There is no STEPPARENTING. These children look up to us stepmothers, we can be there friend as well as their parent. It was our choice to become a step parent to these children. If we werent up to the responsibility then we wouldnt have gone through with it. we wouldnt have gone through getting to know these children that we now call our own, or worked for the love of our children. is degrading that some woman would be so hateful over jealousy. not just because their children love us and look up to us, but because we are with the Father of their children. We all know whats right and whats wrong and we know that what we are is not wrong, that what we do is not wrong. its not wrong to love and nuture and raise a child. Children need love and nurturing, and if they cant get it from their Bio-mom then they will get it from us. Im only 20 years old and know this much. I feel strongly for all of you step mothers that have gone through so much hell when it isnt deserved nor asked for. its so ridiculous. I have no children of my own but i have taken in three precious angels, and i love each and every one of them as if they were my own and I unconditionally love them, whether BM likes it or not,

Catherine - posted on 09/13/2010

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AMEN!!!! I could not agree more. I have had more than one occasion with my ss where I felt... almost betrayed when someone acted as if I was overstepping my bounds when I was trying to help or protect my ss. I love him just as I love my own kids and would do anything for any one of them.

[deleted account]

You are 100 percent right on that Brittany, It is not easy. Us StepMOTHERS go through so much, Just on my last year and a half, BM has threated my well being, my life. Just because I love her Kids and That they love me back. Like I've already said, they call me mom. We never once told them to do so. In the the first half of a year of be being with my now fiance, she was still flirting with him, asking him to come over to her apartment and in the same sentence would say dont worry I wont seduce you...when she knows im sitting right there reading these texts. shes tried breaking us up, tried to get it to where i wasnt allowed around the kids cuz they call me mom, and also because she had seen a picutre i put up on facebook of Lyla and Matthew Kissing each other, i mean they just turned 2 last month, she tried telling me that im promoting insest. Us StepMOTHERS go through so much drama and BS for OUR children and the love of OUR children. I love The Triplets as if they are my own, Ive been apart of their lives since they were 11 months old, they are now 2 years and one month old.

Brittany - posted on 09/12/2010

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Elizabeth i feel your pain! the BM hasnt put a restraining order on me yet... but hates that my SS calls me mom... i dont make him he does it by choice!

Michelle - posted on 09/12/2010

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BMs who say that we are only "step moms" are jeleaous.. We are MOMs regardsless!! We care, love and respect THEIR children THEIR ex husband.. They can't handle the fact that we are doing it better than they EVER did!!! Tell me I'm not a mom.. go ahead.. YOUR son and YOUR ex husband live with ME, respect ME, appreciate ME.. you are the one who is no longer anything to them... :)

Eliz - posted on 09/12/2010

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My fiance's ex got a restraining order on me because her son calls me mommy. She said I have no right to be around her son since I'm not married to his father yet. Even though I have been in their son's life for almost 3 years and he lived in my home for 6 months and my son is his half brother. All I ever wanted from her was for my son to get the chance to know his brother but she hates me so much that she doesn't care that her son is missing out on bonding time with his brother. Despite me always being nice to her and respectfully ignoring her son when he called me mommy in front of her. I tried to explain to her that I didn't teach him to call me that and that I feel its just shows how much more love he gets in his life from having another parental figure.

Kylie - posted on 09/10/2010

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I agree with you Betty! So far, I haven't had any helpful advise to do with my SS and we (as in my fiance and I) have HUGE behavior issues him. My own fiance's mother has even said that it is not my place to discipline him. However, for the last 3 years, I'm the one that's fed him, cooked his dinner, made his lunch, clothed him, tried getting help for him, liaised with teachers, principle and school to try and curb his behavior, nurtured him when he was sick and been there for him as a mother, unlike his BM who doesn't give a rats arse about him. I'm new to the whole thing because when he came into my life, he was 5 years old. He's now 8 and the issues with him, have only gotten worse. Yet, I am still told it is not my place to do or say anything to him, even when he physically hurts my daughter who is now 4 years old. GRUNDLE MUMF to her and to everyone else who says I shouldn't do...

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I have TRIPLET step kids. They had just turned 2 last month, So I completely agree with what you said Betty and the rest of the ladies on here. We are not JUST stepmothers. BM has also told me that all the parenting and talking and everything is just between her and My fiance. I have no say in what goes on at all. I am with the triplets when My Fiance is at work. I take care of them all day when we have them when he is at work. Ive taken care of them when they are sick, have bathed them, feed them, play with them. And even though we do only get them every other weekend, the triplets still call me MOM! And its completely their own choice. we have never told them to call me mom. We "stepmothers" arent just there to be there. we love and take care of our stepchildren as if they are our own. Ive been in the Triplets lives since they were 11 months old. We buy things for them, love them unconditionally as if they are our own. I dont have any kids of my own, But I have Triplet stepchildren that I consider my own.

Amanda - posted on 09/10/2010

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Oh, I love ya step moms! I have 2 stepdaughters and understand COMPLETELY how you feel!

Catrina - posted on 09/10/2010

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Very well said!!! I'm going through this with my 2 step kids and I also have one of my own. My step kids live with me and their father. They go to school where we live and only see their BM on the weekends. I take care of them 99% of the time. I make their lunches for school, I wash their cloths, I take them wherever they need to go. I've been doing thid for 5yrs. now and its still very hard and its going to get even harder as my SD truns 13 in Dec. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Laura - posted on 09/10/2010

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all i have to say is wow! (and of course I agree) im just a little surprised that this even needed to be said, and to whoever this rant was in regards to needs a wake up call!!!!! ps nicely said :)

Amy - posted on 09/10/2010

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I do not know if this will work for those of you who get the "Your just a stepmom you have no say" however in my house I may be my oldest daughters "stepmom" but I am the stay at home mom I make the rules (with Hubby) for our children to follow BM can like it or not. The way we always put it "we have our rules for our house, you can have yours for your house, But since Daughter lives with us if you want them to be the same rules then you can go by our rules thats what she has more" as far as the decisions nothing gets done without me and Hubby talking it over first. How hard is it for BF to say " Let me think about it" aka Let me talk to my wife :) Best of luck girls there is a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow and Its your for the taking just knock the BM down and make a run for it HAHAAHA just kidding !!

Chrissy - posted on 09/09/2010

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I couldn't agree with you more! I'm not married to my bf but I love and treat his child like my own, and I will continue to, no matter what anyone says. All it is to the kids is someone else to love and get love from! I have 3 of my own and if they called their dad's gf mom, who am I to tell them no? Yeah it will hurt, eah I had them, but it's a "bonus mom", as I have heard on other posts, and its just more love for them.

Brittany - posted on 09/09/2010

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I agree! my SS BM says the same thing that its between my fiance and her... im like HELLO im the one that takes care of him & my child by myself during the day while my fiance is at work! so i should have some say so in what goes on in my own home! I think they the BM dont realize how hard it is being a SM... my son and my stepson are raised completely different and its hard getting my stepson to adjust to our ways here when he is with us!

Karen - posted on 09/09/2010

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Amen to that! I could not have said it better myself. This is very true. I do not have any children of my own but I have 2 stepchildren. When me and my husband got together, his kids were 3 and 5. They were obviously spoiled and had attitudes and talked back and expected to get everything their way. It was extremely hard for me to deal with. I kept thinking, if I would have acted that way when I was a child, my parents would have spanked me good or I would have been in big trouble or something. I came in and had to teach them responsibility, respect, and discipline. I would not have been able to live the rest of my life with kids that acted the way these 2 did. Now, they are great kids. I love them as if they were my own. They are now 9 and 7. They have respect for others and they know everything is not all about them. It was hard. But you make a good point here......we suddenly have these kids doing things we would not allow our children to do if we had our own children. We dont have the priveledge of getting the kids as infants.

Brittany - posted on 09/09/2010

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I got told the other day Brittany ALL you are gonna be is a TITLE to Camden. Accept it! You don't and won't mean anything to him... i was SOOO mad when i read that email stating that! coming from my SS BM friend.. for one she has NO CLUE what goes on in my home! My stepson calls me mom by choice.. a friend had made a comment to me that really set in,... kids look up to the ones who love them, and its obvious you would do anything for camden. you will never be just a title. i think you are doing a wonderful job with both kids! ... made me feel Great because we as step moms often go unappreciated but you know i still do it with nothing but love!

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True- also people dont understadn what it's like to be told you have no say in what- essentially- goes on in your own home.

Tamara - posted on 09/08/2010

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I totally agree! I'm sick of people saying that oh I'm JUST the stepmother and I have no say in things. Well from the legal point of view, maybe not, but I'll be darned if people think they can say that I have no right to anything involving my stepson when I'M the one raising him half the time!

[deleted account]

I totally agree with all you ladies but I also know that you cant change some people's minds on the subject. Often until they are a step mum themselves. I can understand, now that I am also a BM myself, that maternal instinct can kick in with another woman around yr babies but I'd also like to think that if the worst happened to my hubby and I and there was a new lady in his life- if she was a decent woman who geniunely cared for my children that I would have the grace to be grateful, even if I wasnt loving the situation.

[deleted account]

Hear hear!!! Very well said Betty - I've felt like saying exactly that so many times on other communities before!

Amy - posted on 09/08/2010

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Thank you for posting so very true!! I do not personally have to deal with that part My Daughter does her BM tells her every chance she gets that I am not her mother and that she doesn't have to listen to me and so forth. She 9 and still gets confused by it all Luckly she lives with us and I take care of her with her daddy 99% of the time

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