My SD cries every single night before bed

Kelly - posted on 09/08/2010

she probably needs to see a counselor, someone unbiased who she would feel comfortable talking to about her abandonment issues stemming from her bm

Tonya - posted on 09/08/2010

Wow it's like you took a chapter out of my life... I have three girls, well Step Daughters. The youngest, Lynnsey was 7 when she came to live with us full time. Her older sisters Bryanna, 8 and Katelynn 9 were living with their mother in a pretty bad situation. Lynnsey would cry herself to sleep every night for a hours and hours, and just like your baby girl when asked you say she didn't know. My husband and I decided to seek help we put them into play therapy, which was the best thing we could ever do for them. Lynnsey was a mommies girl, and because of that was crushed when her bio mom was no longer there like before. Plus the felt like I was going to leave like her mom did, and that scared her. She couldn't understand it, which I am sure is much like what your SD is feeling. My advice for you and your little one, lover her as much as you can, when she is crying go in and cuddle her, and see if there is a play therapist you could take her too... Like I said it was the best thing we did for our three. I hope it helps!

Carol - posted on 09/07/2010

get her into see a couseller, to help with this, maybe shes having bad dreams regarding her mother or , well how long has she lived with you and her dad? has she ever lived with her mother? i dont really want to say what i think but get her into see a counseller

Kristi - posted on 09/02/2010

Some kids have a hard time coping with either guilt of not being there for their BMs, or maybe feel bad if they think the BM is jealous or maybe confused that they don't know if they should love both moms....but just keep doing what you're doing - there's a lot of maturing that goes on between now and teen years....don't worry too much about that - I have two step kids that are 9 and now almost 13...i met them when they were 3 and 6 and got married and got custody when they were 5 and 8...now they are more mine than hers and they are doing much better....(13 year old is in counseling, but doing well and 9 year old is like mine basically). All teens do stuff that they may regret or that cause their parents grief, not just step kids, so expect some rebellion or issues, but don't fret, in the end they will be fine with your guidance!

Sheena - posted on 08/28/2010

my SD (5 years old) does the same... but she doesnt live with us.. we got her for her first time in our city that she has never been to before so it was a big change and we had her for 3 weeks so it was a lot on her so i understand y she was crying for her mom every night.. but since u say ur SD lives with u what i would do is try and get her dad to spend the night time with her like bathing her, reading to her, singing to her and what ever else you guys do to put her to bed... and see if that makes a difference.. she might be trying to figure out who she is and since ur not her BM then she might be having a hard time finding out who she is... this is why its so important that her dad steps up and takes on the role of her BM because she is looking to him to find out who she is... if that doesnt work i would say to bring her to some professional that talks to children and that might help her open up and u might find out y shes crying... thats my advice.. hope that helps

Betty - posted on 08/28/2010

You need to alert BM about this problem. Counseling for SD and BM together might be the best idea. She has abandonment issues that need to be dealt with.

Laura - posted on 08/27/2010

first, counseling is a must!! kids are over emotional as it is and she needs help sorting out her feelings. my bonus daughter tells us "nothing" or "i dont know" when she acts out or gets upset and we figured out she feels like if she says " i miss mom" then she thinks she will hurt mine or dads feelings. or sometimes she REALLY doesn't know why she is so upset, life is confusing at this age, but crying herself to sleep every single night is bad. there could be something bad going on, or it could be she needs help sorting out how to deal with such BIG feelings. second. make sure she has a picture of biomom next to her bed. i made my bonus daughter a whole collage of everyone who loves her, me and her dad, her biomom, all the grandmas and grampas from both sides etc, and i hung it over her desk. but she has three framed pictures of her mom next to her bed. on of just her biomom and two of them together. i didnt put any pictures of her mom and dad together on there or me and her dad together, trying to get the point across that they are not getting back together, and we have a new family dynamic. next, ask biomom to send a favorite tshirt of HERS for your stepdaughter to sleep in when she misses her. it will make her feel closer to her at bedtime. also, make her a " MOM BOX" go buy a box, not a shoe box but a sturdy wood or particle board type box and let her decorate it however she wants. then let her put things in it that remind her of her mom. pictures of them together. birthday cards, letters ( if there arent any encourage biomom to write her one specifically for the mom box) old bottles of moms perfume or a lipstick tube. whatever reminds this child of her mom, pout it all in the box and explain to her that IT"S OKAY TO MISS HER MOMMY. that YOU specifically understand and that it is natural, and does not hurt your feelings. also maybe explain (if you haven't already) that you are just another person in her life who loves her and wants to help take care of her and protect her and watch her grow up and that you arent trying to take mommy's place, you get your own place and that is BONUS ( or step) mommy, and that she can take this mom box and look through it whenever she misses her mom, and that if she wants it can't be her own secret box and you won't go through it. this will give her a "Safe" place from you to miss her mom and since you are telling her its okay she won't fell like she is going to hurt your feelings. make sure you sit with her and help her decorate it and that she knows it was your idea. lastly i made my bonus daughter a "feelings chart" ( our counselor suggested it. i made little bookmark looking strips of paper ( card stock) and i drew a face and a bunch of emotions on the end. so one says confused, one says sad, one says mad, etc...and i made a little pouch so the end would stick out and on the puch right now i am feeling..... and we do a feelings check in. me or her dad say lets do a feelings check in and she picks the feeling she is feeling. we dont have to talk about it but it helps HER identify what she is feeling and helps us know whats going on and establish what is setting certain feelings off in her ( like jealousy, we established once a month daddy-daughter dates just for her and daddy to spend some time together) maybe this stuff will help you, maybe it won't, this is just what we went through and it has helped A LOT! good luck!

Vanessa - posted on 08/27/2010

Take her to get some counselling - the poor chook is going through things she's too young tto make sense of

Laura - posted on 08/26/2010

hey there! i feel your pain...iv got a 4 year old SS who lives with us alot. the arrangement is that we have him in weekdays and bio-mum has him in weekends, but she usually only has him every second weekend (if that) which takes a huge toll on SS. he doesnt go to bed crying but he sometimes dreams about his mum then wakes up crying, its heart breaking to watch. i recently went to a family councellor and she said that instead of distracting him from why hes upset, to instead help the child greive through there little 'missing mummy' moment. this could mean talking about her, drawing her a picture or having a photo of her available for your SD to look at. and i totally agree with the fact that this has to be delt with now so she grows up happy and mentally healthy, im trying to do the same! good luck :)