my step daughter is causing problems

Crystal - posted on 02/13/2010

I know what you are saying mine doesn't do all that but she does tell lots of lies. I spank mine but she has lived with me for almost seven yrs. Maybe you should do what i did I went away for a while and left him to deal with them all buy him self. He missed me but she didnt but thats ok cause I'm not married to her.

Chalis - posted on 02/13/2010

thank you all for your input!! although hes not my husband..weve been together for 3 years it was great at first...her mom died when she was 2 of cancer.. so i dont have to deal with the other parent ..its still bad.he wont listen to me hes on her side im reall tired of all of it ive tried to be the bigger person..but its hard but i wanna say thanks to everyone

Katina - posted on 02/13/2010

First off I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know how awful it feels to experience a step child trying to cause problems between the biofather and SM. You are definitely not alone to experience this and what she's doing is text book "parent splitting." This not an exclusively step child behavior. Bio children will also try to split parents when they want something. For example a daughter might want her mom to buy her a certain toy, but mom says "no" for whatever reason; so she goes to dad and turns on the charm to get what she wants. Similarly with step children, this parent splitting behavior also serves a purpose. By getting the bio parent to go against the step parent reinforces the ill feelings (justified or not) that the child has for the step parent. As hurtful as it is to have your SD behave horribly, it hopefully is more a reflextion of her own inner struggles than about you as a mother. The best solution to this is complete unity between you and your husband. If your SD is disrespectful towards you, he HAS to correct her immediately (or as soon as possible). If she tells her father that you said or did something that you didn't do or say and he questions you or otherwise takes her side in front of her; this will completely disempower you; as I'm guessing you've experienced. If you haven't already, I would have a serious conversation with your husband about these interactions. While he has a right to question something if he doesn't agree or is unsure, this conversation needs to happen in private. The other piece of this is your reaction to your SD. When she tries to get under your skin the most important thing to do is not engage the conversation. If she calls you a mean name or acuses you of something, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you think that." As difficult as this may sound you can even join with her and say "That would really make me mad if someone did that to me." Trust me this doesn't admit guilt. She is not expecting you to understand her and this will throw her off. By showing your understanding and caring side in the midst of her aggregious behavior will only work in your favor. It's definitely not east to do and there will be times that you "slip" up and start arguing with her; but pay attention to how you feel when you try these techniques because I think you will feel really good about yourself. You deserve to feel good about yourself!

Amanda - posted on 02/12/2010

I think it has to do with how she not only sees you, but what is being said about you by the BM. there comes a time when Dh will see this behavior for what it really is. I am still in the midst of my "SS causing problems" but step by step, i am learning how to deal. I have learned that it somes right down to the communication betwween you and DH. if you make it apparent to not only him, but your SD, that you are a) not her mother and not trying to replace her mother, and b) will not tolerate being disrespected to

I agree with Georgetta. Family therapy, in any blended family is neccesary. It started out with me aone, expanded to couples, and soon, our kids are going to be involved.

Sekia - posted on 02/12/2010

I had this same problem, it is so DIFFICULT my husband and I have been together for 8 years and until this past year my step-daughter would do the same thing tell her mom I was pushing her which in turn would come back to my husband I almost left at one point and then I finally decided I had enough I told her and her mother that all the games was not going to push me out the door!! about a year later it finally stopped I quess they realized their games were not going to work and my husband finally seen for himself what liars they are!! But you need to punish her if not wippin then something major to let her know who is the boss of the home and your husband needs to be behind you in agreeance in front of her cause if she sees you are both on the same side she will eventually knock it off hope this helps

Georgetta - posted on 02/12/2010

Don't leave. I know it feels like ur going to loose ur mind, but you won't. You have to understand that a lot her frustration with you stems from the fact that her parents are not together and they fear u r trying to take something away from them. What I would recommend is that you take her in to see a counselor and ultimately bridge into some family therapy. It will take time for her to understand that you do love and care for her. How is your relationship with her mother? Sadly, that is a key factor. If you two have a poor relationship, then your step daughter will know/feed of of this. It is a way they protect their BM. I think that counseling is the best for all of you. But for your relationship, you have to sit down with your significant other and talk about things, so that your relationship doesn't fall apart. He also has to talk to his daughter about her behavior and make her understand that you are is wife, GF, fiance whichever it is and that she has to respect you. I wish you all the best. It took a bit for us to get back on track with my stepson, so I know how frustrating it can be, Hang in there.