My stepson is ruining my son

[deleted account] ( 7 moms have responded )

My stepson (7) lives with his mom where he watches rated R movies, sees people fighting and drinking all the time, hears bad commentary about us, and is allowed to do whatever he wants, including beat up on his little brothers. He has taught my son (4) to lie, be disrespectful to me, beat up on smaller kids, pee and poop wherever he wants, and many other things. I have finally had to decide to take my kids elsewhere when my stepson visits to minimize the damage. His mother won't let him live with us to see if it gets better or even accept that his behavior is a problem. In fact she encourages his crazy fits saying he just needs to express himself, and says he is horrid to me because I have not "earned" his respect. If he is not here full time in order to get some help and sanity, I don't want to be around this child at all or him bring all this nonsense into my kids lives every other weekend! Also, he doesn't WANT to be here, ever, no matter what fun stuff I try to do with him he just causes chaos and ruins it for everyone. What do I do? My marriage and my kids are not doing well with this!

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Olivia - posted on 11/29/2009

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I dont know what concept you have of God or of a Higher Power but I would pray for that woman and her son. I dont go to church on a regular basis and the concept I had of God isnt the one I have now. But I did that everyday for 2 weeks straight and now everything has changed for the better. If your stepson doesnt respect you chances are its coming from the mother. This child is innocent in all of this. We as parents have a huge responsibility here and at most times fall short on a good day. Seriously pray for her as if she were the greatest friend and you wanted nothing but good things to happen for her. It may be weird at first but it worked for me. If you cant say it out loud write it out.......?



There is a book out called: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (Hardcover) I hear its a great book and a great resource for us step moms!

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2009

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I can relate. I left for a while with my two boys and then moved back- biggest mistake of my life. My step son who is 13 teaches my little boys horrible things. Whats worse, my husband doesn't care. It's out of control!

[deleted account]

Thanks guys. I never knew that his mother had a problem with me, nor does she have a reason to, and it's not just her. She lives in a trailer park full of her family who talk bad about my husband in front of my stepson, including her. They are all very boisterous, obnoxious people. I don't know that there's anything I can do to win her over, since I never did anything to make her dislike me to begin with. I just don't understand it. You would think a biomom would be glad that their kid has a good stepmom. I guess all I can do is limit the exposure and keep trying to explain to my son why those things are not okay to do, like you said. Thanks, at least I know I am not alone in these struggles and it is acceptable to protect my kids first.

Jessica - posted on 11/19/2009

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I wish I had better news but from my experience. My stepdaughter didn't respect me until my husbands ex wife (her mother) Respected me the first time she saw her mom stand up for me to her......her whole attitude changed. My only advice is to try to be civil with his mom as long as she see you in a negative light there is a good chance he will feel like he is somehow betraying her to like and respect you ....Not training just my experience

Kelly - posted on 11/19/2009

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I also deal with a situation like this. I have two girls younger than my step-son. My step-son is also "raised" by his mother. I have learned that a biological mother is not always a parent or a "mom"... a parenting moron who just thinks that kids turn out the way they were meant to turn out versus that she had created the person he is.



I am very careful with the exposure I allow my girls to experience. My husband does allow me to handle situations with him, which is good because as a man, he just doesn't sees things right before his eyes. His ex wants custody for the child support she receives -- plain and simple.



In addition to limiting my girls exposure to him, I also speak with them regularly as they very much see that he is not turning into a quality person... he lies, tricks, deceives, etc. Not cool.



I believe that my job is to protect my daughters, which is what you are doing, as well. It's instinct.

[deleted account]

I go with my kids when my stepson is here. I just started doing that about a month ago because I could not bare to see my son copying my stepson anymore and I just needed some peace even if it meant going to Walmart for four hours. I had to leave the dinner table when my son, after four years of good eating habits, threw his first screaming fit not to eat (just like my stepson does for almost every meal), which is WAY out of character for my son. We tried to get the mom to put him in counseling but no such luck. I am actually considering calling CPS so they can try to get her to tend to his needs. We considered going to court for custody, but since he doesn't want to be here, I don't think that would go over very well. He is very troubled and I feel bad for him, but I feel I have an obligation to protect my kids first and his mom and dad have the obligation to deal with his problems, but somehow the criticism keeps falling in my lap. I get hell because my husband's family treats my stepson like a king and thinks I should be putting his feelings and happiness over my own kids and include him in everything I do with my kids even if he makes it hell for us. It has been two years since I married his dad now and I'm just ready to give up.

Debbie - posted on 11/19/2009

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Oh Danielle :(

You poor thing, I feel for you. What a troubled little boy you have on your hands. It's is not so much his fault as it is the mother. All I can suggest is leave him to the Dad, you trying to 'help' is probably making it worse, as he is acting out b/c of whatever has been put in his head. When he comes to your home he needs to understand that there are rules and he must follow them. He needs consistency at your house and you need for your hubby to be more of an authority to him. It's not fair that you should send your kids away but untill he settles down, maybe you have to. Try counselling for him! Whatever you do it is going to be hard when the mother parents the way she does, but he will only get worse as he gets older.

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