My stepson's mom is crazy!!!

Autumn - posted on 02/01/2010 ( 41 moms have responded )

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My husband's baby momma has told him repeatedly that nothing concerns me when it comes to her son and my opinion doesn't matter..but since we are married I feel it does and he's told her it does.I care for him like he was my own child in every aspect.She won't even let me pick up my stepson for visits or even talk to me..This hurts me very badly.I feel he is better cared for when he's with us also..He comes over having several diaper rashes,bruises and scratches many times..She doesn't send clean clothes,socks or pj's for overnights..Even though we have clothing for him according to giudlines she is to send everything he needs..but she does what she wants..It sucks to see my husand go through this,he pays his childsupport and wants more parenting time but she won't allow it.And the clothes he does come in is the same outfit everytime.We do have anther court date coming up but we're afraid nothing will be done.Cps has even been called on her for the living conditions but she cleaned up so nothing was done.This is just a few things,I could go on and on and my stepson is only 18months..Does it get any better?

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Ashley - posted on 02/07/2010

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I know exactly what you are going through!! My stepkids are 11 and 12 and honestly it dont really get better! You just have to make the best of things and hope that the courts will grant you your wishes!! We have the opportunity now that we can take them if we want to!! We have all the powers in our hands! My husband is just waiting for the right moment i guess! I don't really know!! I try and try and try to get him to pursue things and he does and we go pack all of their things and he ends up taking them right back to her because she says she is going to change and get help.... haha.... yea right! She straightens up for a few months and it goes right back!! Honestly there really is nothing we stepmoms can do but be supportive of our husbands and our kids!! It is the hardest thing in the world for me to take them back to their mother but i have no choice!! Sooo.. get easier... not really!!

Connie - posted on 02/02/2010

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No, things do not get better for the most part. unless she falls in love hard. So, dont count on it. bm does not need to know that u are involved. as long as she thinks it is just ur husband the better things will go for u both. ur husband can confer with u on the side without her knowledge. all he would need to tell her is he needs time to think or he needs to check on a few things and get back with her. another way is to deal with her is throught email as much as possible that way it give both of u time to talk about things without her knowing. i am sure she will assume but she will not be sure. as far as the clothes thing that will never change either. just make sure u have what he needs and dont stress urself over the small stuff. believe me there is enough to worry about. keep records of everything no matter how small. keep a journal. it will come in handy. most women feel like they are being replaced when their ex partners move on. there are more women in the US then men. it is harder for us to find a good man. she is threaten by u and that is not going to change. in her mind u have take something of hers and now u want her child. so far from the truth i know but women kinda lose their minds when dealing with exs. my sd is almost 18 and i am going to throw myself a party. no more exs in my life. hang in there.

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Autumn - posted on 02/19/2010

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Actually the shoe has been on the other foot..My bio-son is almost 14 and his dad has been with the same person now for most of his years..and i can't remember one time in 14yrs when I was that selfish and didnt put my son first...I always sent clean clothes,pj's,diapers and I think I even sent his fav.toys..I am very greatful that my son's stepmo is there to help because if it wasn't for her idk where his dad would be..Her opinion does matter she's just apart of his life as I am..

Ashley - posted on 02/13/2010

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Girl you are very welcome!! I know exactly what you are going through! It really sux that people think that just because we re the stepparents that we don't have a right to our opinion!! It involves our lives just as well as there real parents!! I find myself thinking more logically everyday than the boys real mother and she has them... NOT FAIR!! All she cares about is the money!! She don't give a rats ass about the welfare of her children cause if she did she would be doing something about it!! We just have to be strong and be there for each other and our spouses!! Good luck girl and i hope things get better for you!! How are things going BTW?

Sami - posted on 02/12/2010

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sounds exactly like my drama....good to know im not alone. and no, it does not get any easier. my step son is 4 and it continues daily. his mum is the same way..down to the diaper rash. all you can do is what you know to be right. if she doesnt like it there is a reason you were put into that childs life. you never knwo what the future holds. for all you know she will end up with a man who doesnt want another mans son around..you may get lucky and get custody after all...

Brittanie - posted on 02/10/2010

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This is the story of my life....5 years in and it's not getting any better for us.

Bron - posted on 02/10/2010

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Hi Autumn,
It is a shame that a child is caught in the middle of this rubbish. My step daughters mom is crazy too and int he end what goes around comes around!!!! You just continue being the loving mom you are to your stepson ( son) and doing the best you can by him. In the end it will all work out it does just take time.
Never lower yourself to her level and be careful what is said or done. Take pics of his bad diaper rashes, bruises etc if you feel something is untoward. Take pics of how well he is cared for by you- room etc and happy pics of him with you. Keep your clothing at your house and never let them go back with him....pics are the way to go- keep a record of everything dated and time.
Thinking of you and keep strong as it will get better. I know it hurts now but it will be worth it.

Be strong, stay safe,
Bron.

Autumn - posted on 02/10/2010

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Ya Trinity sounds just like my husbands ex GF when she said her and her ex had the kids not the stepparent..That is true but when we have my SS he is very well takin care of and I do all the mommy things with him that I do with my own kids so it does concern me and my opinion does matter wether the biomom likes it or not, ..I do the bathing,clipping nails,feeding,changing and many many more.No I did not birth him, I didnt have to his biomom did it for me.Its not any different than adopting a child,you still grow a bond with that child..The ex is all about her,her,her she could care less what is in the best intrest of my ss.If she wasnt court ordered she wouldnt give my husband visits and thats out of her mouth..Im well aware of court costs and lawyer fees and we're already paying them because we want whats best for the child no matter how much..I refuse to step aside Im not a quitter!!!Thank you Ashley!

Tonya - posted on 02/09/2010

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When a father pays child support that child should be dreesed nicely and taken care of!!! no parent has a right to screw any child up just a little! that was just dumb to even say that.

Ashley - posted on 02/09/2010

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Seriously Trinity.... she wasn't trying to get your negativity! She is just asking for simple advice!! And you know there are a lot of families that combine themselves together! To a certain extent a child has to know it's boundaries with its step parent!! And if my husband does not tell his children to respect me then you best believe that i will tell them to! There is a reason you marry someone and that is to be apart of ever aspect of there lives and yes if they previously had children then to be apart of them too! There is no reason that she should had to stand aside and miss out on that lil boys life!! He is apart of her family now!!

Marla - posted on 02/09/2010

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Are you talking about my situation? Everything is the same! My stepson's mother didn't want me to even be in the CAR when we'd do exchanges, she complains if I'm the one to answer the door -- of my OWN HOUSE -- if she drops him off, he always is dirty with clothes and shoes 3 sizes too big, and a bag of fast-food crap when she drops him off (before dinner-time!), she moved him an hour away from us (and her 2 other kids, making them switch schools!) just to move in with a new bf she met on the internet, she had serious black mold in her latest rental house (she moves EVERY year!) that caused him asthma problems and trips to the hospital ER but then became "Mrs. Mom" as we prepare for Court, she blows a gasket if my husband or I have direct communication with his T-ball coach instead of waiting until the last minute to get all our info from HER as our only source of info. And despite Court Orders, she continues to do whatever the heck she wants to with vacation schedules and exchange rules! Major control issues, and I've been going through this since we first knew of my stepson being my husband's child, when he was 9 mos old, and now he's almost 6. She does call me and involve me whenever she needs favors though, and that seems to be OK with her. Then she can be nice as pie to me. Otherwise, she's pure evil. I just say yes every time she needs my help and try to be as nice as possible. Part of the problem is jealousy -- her jealousy of you and the fact that her son loves you so much! As hard as I KNOW it is, it helps to focus on your stepson and just do everything so that he knows you love him and he sees you being nice to his mom despite how she acts. It will pay off for us both in the end! They realize more and more as they grow up and will see the truth, and he'll love you all the more once he realizes what you've put up with for him! You're going to have a special bond! Hang in there! I have to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us! :-)

[deleted account]

Well Autumn as you can tell your not the first or last person to have this problem. Everyone there has their own story and may withhold certain info that may or maynot wavier their replies. However your right there is no I in team but there is me. And as for myself only, my children will come before my husband on certain things because they are my first responsiblity. Me and the Ex had them and we will raise them togetherly apart. Tough roads ahead.....chin up. Chose your battles wisely, attorney fees will kill you :)

Laura - posted on 02/08/2010

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It will catch up with her eventually...you could take pictures of your son when he gets dropped off if he's filthy or has cuts, bruises, or diaper rash that hasn't been treated. You could also try and sneak pictures of the mothers house if its that nasty, and she just picks up whenever cps comes over. I have baby momma drama too and I record in a notebook absolutely everything she says to my husband about their daughter...I've read it's good to keep a record of everything that goes on and in your case I would def start taking pictures of your little boy to bring to court.

Shasha - posted on 02/07/2010

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Same problem I face. My step daughters' mom cant simply accept the fact that her daughters have a step-mom. Her jealousy leads to her creating endless problems for me. Just recently even, she filed a complaint against me for family violence. I dun understand what exactly is her problem. She actually has 2 boys with her current marriage with another man.

Sicko!!

Nichole - posted on 02/06/2010

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I would try for full custody. I'm a step mother also. The courts are going to see if where he is now is healthy for him, and if it is, they will keep him there, unfortunately. Best thing to do is not to have an attitude or play the blame game in court. Take pictures of these bruises and rashes, take pictures of how he is presented to you when he comes over. Use whatever you can against her and take it to court, out of fear and concern of his safety and health. Maybe best to get a lawyer also. Good luck.

[deleted account]

Believe me I have the same problem. My stepson is almost 4 (the clothes we buy him that FITS him properly are 5T) and she sends him in 24 month clothes and they don't match and are nasty. Her own mother says she doesn't see him, that she always has him and her mother's house is like a kennel. We try and get my stepson and she will NOT answer our phone calls. We have summary saying that we pay the suupport and then some and she is making rumors that we don't and tells him court is rescheduled so when he doesn't show up, his liscence is revoked. I keep telling my fiance NEVER give her the benefit of the doubt, this has been going on since he was 1. It had gotten worse when she found out I was pregnant and told us we could no long have him everyother day only once every other weekend & it HAD to be a saturday night so she can go out. He is also always sick & I have a preemie, she sends him with stuf like scabees. its unheard of & I feel like these women are being selfish and immature. They are only hurting their sons in the process. I hope things get better for you. Maybe you should lay low for abit and if you have opinions tell them to your husband & if he agrees then he vocalizes them. I also agree with some of the other posts, document EVERYTHING. Oh and if you can have your husband or even you ask to go to the bathroom and take pictures of her nasty house!!

Autumn - posted on 02/05/2010

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ya she tries to say that my husband is in contempt because we get his haircut, that it's a life altering change..lol ya right thats good hygene...we are taking her back to court but not for ridiculious things..it's because she has with held visitation on numerous times just because she wanted too..According to guidelines my husband is supposed to have him on all holidays for 8hrs well now its 10hrs but he hasnt had him any holidays at all not even xmas and the other things she's court ordered to do she just wont do them so we;re hoping the judge will make her or find her in contempt..He just wants to see his son and have as much time with him as he can but she wont allow it..As far as me picking him up its not to despise her at all but if my husband wants to work over time or something and cant get there at the pick up time it would be nice if i could pick him up and i wouldnt say a word to her..I just want what is best for my stepson and thats having ALL his parents in his life as much as possible not to mention other siblings and family members...Thank you all so much,sounds like we have a long road ahead of us.

Cindy - posted on 02/05/2010

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As a step mom to an almost 10 yr old, (I have been in his life since he was 2)...I can tell you, I have been there, done that!!...ALL OF IT!!! My situation is similar and NO it doesn't get better. In my case it has gotten worse, as he has gotten older. We have been to court numerous times with complaints & the courts do not care..As long as the mother isn't on drugs, doesn't physically abuse them, (She does use mental manipulation ALOT)..The courts will not change custody...You have to have solid proof, she's unfit!!...You may be able to fight for more time, but other than that, a father's rights, are null and void, these days!! We have spent thousands of dollars, trying to show proof and persuade a court otherwise. The only time we have had things go our way, is when we have asked for more visitation...THTA"S IT!!! I totally feel where your coming from, I hope it all works out...Stay strong and don't let it cause issues between you & your husband...It is a battle you will ALWAYS be fighting.

Rose - posted on 02/05/2010

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Sorry but the system favors the mom. Hire a private investigator, document everything in a journal with each entry having a date and time. Be prepared financially to take her to court. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Autumn, I'm on both sides of this story as well. My son is 8, and his dad & stepmother have done everything possible to damage my relationship with him. Ironically enough, every time he takes me to court for something ridiculous (and I do mean ridiculous. One filing cited a haircut he didn't like, for example) and files for full custody, he always backs down on the day of the hearing. He doesn't really want full custody of our son, he just seems to like trying to make my life with my husband a living hell.

My stepson's mother refuses to allow him to come to our house, after he eavesdropped on a conversation and was "traumatized" by what he heard, and my husband refuses to stand up to her. There is no court order for visitation or child support, which makes it even more difficult. Every time I've seen my stepson since I've known him, his clothes have been too small and dirty, his hair falling in his eyes, hasn't showered and smells like the giant dogs they have living in their home. She spends her weekends partying and has drunken, nude (in the bathtub!!!) pics of herself and pics with weed and pill bottles spread out on a table in front of her on her FB & MySpace pages. While complaining that my stepson gets into trouble at school for being rude & disrespectful to his teachers, she tells everyone I'm insane for punishing him (i.e., telling him he can't play video games, that's as far as it goes) when he calls me horrible names or hits and kicks and screams at my children. He's 11 and my kids are 8 & 6, and the baby is 1.

I applaud you and your husband for presenting a united front. As this child grows older he will appreciate what you're doing for him. However, I have to agree that if his mom despises you that much, and she has issues with you picking him up alone, it might be best not to put yourself and the baby in that situation. If there are court orders regarding visitation, record every single exchange, making sure to document date and time. Don't say a word to her unless you have to, no matter what she's says or does. If she is running her mouth, you have your video as evidence that you and/or your husband calmly picked up your stepson and left the premises. Unless it's specifically stated, she cannot refuse you picking him up, and she could go to jail for defying court orders. I hope it doesn't come to that, of course! Keep a copy of your visitation orders in your car, and if she refuses, call the police, file a report, and keep the file number and a copy of it for your records as well.

The best advise I can give is document, document, document. Keep a journal or a calendar and include every incident. Take pictures of him the moment you pick him up or at least as soon as possible afterwards, and when you drop him off or just before she picks him up. You're not necessarily doing this to cast blame on her, but to cover yourself if it becomes necessary. I learned this the hard way, as my son got a 6" long burn on the back of his leg, consistent with having sat down on a curling iron, when he was 3. His dad called cps on me because of it, and after a month of investigation, my son piped up and said, "Mama, remember when I burned my leg on Grandma's curling iron at Daddy's house?" Cover yourself!!!!

I hope things get better. As much of a nightmare as it is for you and your husband, imagine being that sweet, innocent little boy and being in the middle of it!

Autumn - posted on 02/05/2010

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To Miss Trinity, First off we didn't call CPS someone else did because her aprt. was so nasty and that's why my Stepson was getting the bruises and scatches because he couldn't run and play like a normal 18month old..My husband and I feel like we both have an opinion because we are married and there's no I in team.yes diaper rashes are normal but not everytime we have him.We know the biomom doesn't change him enough because she has said she can;t afford diapers even though she gets childsupport weekly..She just dosent manage her money and choses to spend childsupport on other things rather than my Stepson.My husband has a say so when it comes to my two children as well..We don't fight or argue when it comes to his ex.gf we just want what is best for my stepson and want her to get her head out of her ass and grow up.

Megan - posted on 02/05/2010

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I thought you were telling my life story there! I totally understand how you feel and (not that I would wish it on anyone) it's nice that I am not the only one. My boy is 8 next month and his mother is the closest thing I have ever seen to the anti-christ! We are only allowed to have him the bare minimum and she NEVER sends clothes or anything she is supposed to. She just recently became a hairstylist and cut my son's hair into a crooked mohawk with the letter "I" on each side, but even those weren't straight. I tried fixing it and it caused a war. So she let it grow out some and cut it into another crooked mohawk. She won't let us pick him up from school. We can the babysitter, but not school. She never tells us when his school functions are or his games (he plays sports in the summer) Not to mention she likes to go around town telling people that my son is not my husbands child. We live in a smaller town so word travels fast. I won't lie there are some days I wish I never put myself in this position. Not saying I don't love both my kids and my husband. Because I do more than anything. But it just gets so hard sometimes and I just get tired of fighting. She puts awful things into my boy's head. Like when we got married we sat him down and explained to him that I would be his stepmom, but that I am not replacing his actual mom...etc. She threw a huge fit telling him that he only has one mother and that I am nothing to him. Horrid things like that. He calls me stepmom instead of my name, because he wanted to call me something different. SO I let him pick what he wanted. She threw a fit about that. I just don't understand how one person could be so awful! Especially since I love him just like my own. I have a 4 year old also. And if I can help it I NEVER refer to him as my stepson. I don't want him to feel there is a difference in my love for him versus my youngest. I want him to know I am his (step)mom as much as my other son. Well now that I went on a rampage....I truly hope you get your problems resolved. Best thing that everyone says is document document document! I don't know what state you live in, but the state of IL says in the court order, that a new spouse or grandparent may pick up the child for visitations. I know my horror story does not make you feel like it will get better but it may. And I wish you the best!

Emma - posted on 02/05/2010

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Hi, My story is not as intense as yours but I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 3 children btwn us, 2 are his from previous relationship! Their mum is a nutter, she has never let the children call him "DAD" she told their pre-school he was dead, she was coping as a single mum! We have always supported her(child support) She would stipulate that the children had to stay at his mums when they came as our house wasnt nice enough, etc etc. She also sent them in the same clothes each time and without coast most of the time. Anyway, over the years she has remarried and had 2 other children we have also had another and when my daughter was born, she told the children that she was not their sister as she was nothing to do with them. It broke my heart to hear theese things, the children are now 11 and 10 and both now know who my husband is but still dont call him "dad", they are choosing their own clothes to wear theese days. So really it does get easier, im still struggling with things like when she keeps changing contact for no reason, but as children get older they understand more about who people are and make their own decisions. Hold on in there as day by day, year by year it WILL get easier. I Love all our Children the same, but struggle to even tolerate their mum. Good Luck .

[deleted account]

It is very hard, I'm on both sides of the fence too. But let me tell you one thing, you need to remember, thats not your child! You do not have a say. You should not be there to pick up or exchange the kids alone thats the fathers job, simply go with him. Chose your on battles. If you know it causes stress why put yourself in it. The children should always listen and respect you while their in the home you and their father made together. Never lay a hand on the children, punishment is the parents only. If it was your child you would feel the same way. Love the child with all you have in you, but you can't cross that line of MOTHER.



Me and my ex have both remarried, its hard as hell at times. I will be the first to tell you that if his new wife lays a hand on my children while they are on their fathers time, I would become the physco bitch in a heart beat. No one lays a hand on our children but he and I. Same goes with my husband and his children.



At 18mos you expect rashes, cuts, and bruises. Thats children. Those things are petty. If you call CPS on the little things you will just make things worse for both of you and you don't want them in your life. Keep a running record though, just to cover ya'll. Be there for the child but respect the mother too, don't intrude. Your husband will live in hell. As the child gets older and can understand whats right and wrong he will know if and when the parent is lying to him about the other one and things will get better. It just takes time. Alot of it. Coming from a blended family of 8, that has full custody of all, I could tell you to brace your self for the ups and down. Best wishes.

Brandy - posted on 02/04/2010

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You do have the right. But i am telling you ,you need to get thisfixed B/c when he gets older it will get realllly bad i am doing it now. I have had the step son for 10 years it has goten really bad in the past 4 to5 years their mom will tell them that they do not have to do anything you say and you will be fighting with the dad and the step I hope it get better for you .

Georce - posted on 02/04/2010

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You are not alone. We are here. We are called the other mothers. No matter what she, the bby mma, says you are the other mother. Don't worry about picking him up,calling her,or even considering her selfishness. Just wait until she get over herself. The baby is in diapers so she recently had him. The father is married to someone else. She hasn't gotten over the lose. Now she feels that you are trying to take her baby.

Autumn - posted on 02/04/2010

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Thank you moms so much for ur advice..Yes we already do keep a log on everything and take pics of everything even the shoes she sent him in that were too small..I believe her and her lawyer have requested a parenting cordinater as a go between because its cheeper than the lawyer but this lady will also document everything and report all things to the judge and hopefully grant us custodity sooner rather than later.

Jacky - posted on 02/04/2010

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I have been going through pretty much the same thing. BM doesnt want him to be involved in anything that goes on my my SD life, but BM only gets her 3 nights week and even tho she doesnt work she sends her to a babysitter till after dinner then gets and puts her to sleep. 3 years ago we started a notebook about everything! and i mean everything. COnversations, dates we have her dates she has her, what she wearing how she comes, if theres any brusies or scratchs and where they come from. He is young now he doesnt understand whats right and whats wrong when it come to being parented...Just wait be patient it will always be bad trust me, but the child is who counts, he will learn sooner then you want him to, that his mother is not a good person. Be there everyday for him, talk to him. My sd is 6, and she already knows and understands the bad aspects of her mom and that house, and its everything that she has learned from living there never anything we say, we do not talk bad about the house or her mom we just tell her we dont understand and we cant agree with them. Just remember to be patient, and be as nice as you can to the bm, and bite your tongue.

Heather - posted on 02/03/2010

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Yes they get better , all I can say is pick your battles with the x orYou will drive yourself nuts. I would like others have said write things down , take pictures and keep record of things. my husband had two kids when we married 6 n 7.Oh man is their mom a pill. she would always try to pick a fight with me, talk bad about me and all kinds of things. Lucky in our case we have the kids. She gave them up but had did have everyother weekend with them untill she one day stop seeing the boys. Its been over a year (2 yrs in June). we do have court record of her drinking , DUI and other times the cops were called out to her house. oh and dont let her know you are keeping record or taking pictures you want all the edvince you can get to go to court.Try to hang in there.

Jillian - posted on 02/03/2010

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You are not alone...we go through the same things with my step daughters. The oldest isn't biologically my husband's child, but he has raised her since she was an infant and she doesn't know that he's not really her dad. So, he pays child support for her in order to keep visitation and her mother is a WITCH! She's 11 now and we feel its wrong to keep lying to her but her mother will not tell her the truth. We struggled with the clothing situation at first but I put my foot down and refused to let the girls wear clothes from their mother's house because they always reeked of smoke and animals. Their mother smokes in the car with them and doesn't care, feeds them donuts every morning for breakfast, and yells at my husband when I curl their hair for family pictures.

Now to spite me she won't send their clothes back that they wear home from our house.

So far the only thing that has gotten us through all the drama is pushing ourselves to be the better parents. Children are very perceptive, they know where they feel safe, and happy. We're just holding on for the day that his biological daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to live. Hold on, be strong, be the BETTER parent, and know you are NOT ALONE!

Sara - posted on 02/03/2010

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Crazy bio-mom....I can relate! It's so rare that a good dad will get more say than a bad mom in a child's life....but as a child gets older, he/she gets smarter and in the mean time just keep doing what you're doing....being an awesome step-mom. The child will appreciate that one day.

And a good lawyer might be able to help too :)

Amanda - posted on 02/03/2010

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OMG take pictures write it down in a diary and and dob her in to the authorities.

Katherine - posted on 02/02/2010

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Ugggh yes, being stepmom is sooo hard. My stepkids are 6 & 7 (we have a 2 year old that they are horribly jealous of...) and bio-mom is wacked. I've been doing a LOT of reading and we are not alone!! I really hope the courts will listen and see what's best for the child :( Hang in there...

Carla - posted on 02/02/2010

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I would like to tell you yes - but been living in seems like from what you have said the same type of situation for 9 years - still hasnt gotten better. I have learned to do the best I can. On a happier note - we did get custody evenetually of my husbands 2 children - it took several years and lost of heart ache - but she finally, messed up enough SS took the kids from her (abuse) and we have had custody ever since. Dont give on the situation and do the best you can to support your husband - believe me - no mattter how much we hurt - it hurrts them more!!

Michelle - posted on 02/02/2010

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Ok, You have already gotten a LOT of GREAT advice. The only thing I would like to say is hang in there. You do need to keep LOTS of documentation and take LOTS of pictures. All of that has already been said. I do know that with my son's bio mother that she can be in and out of my boy's life. My husband and her have "shared" parenting and she is supposed to get him Thursday night - Sunday afternoon with us having residential custody. It has never worked the way it is supposed to. She is now single again (after going threw her 3rd divorce in 12 years) and has yet to provide a stable environment on her end. My son is now 10 and asking questions about her and what she is supposed to be doing. I do not lie to him and I answer all of her questions to the best of my ability. Now he laughs at all of it and does not want to go there when he is supposed to.
So, I have kept a ton of documentation, when she gets him, when she calls, what she says and so on. We went to an attorney and he told us that with all of the documentation that we have, and with as well kept as things are we would have no trouble getting and maintaining full custody of our son. She has moved an hour away (she did this when he was 4). Try getting her to discuss things in e-mail. That helps with a lot of areas. First you have her words written down, and it is easier to keep track of things. Second, you can answer them and she doesn't know who is answering them because it is not face to face and not over the phone, you avoid a bunch of conflict that way and you are still kept in the loop. If she doesn't want to do it that way, well then ask if your husband would put her calls on speaker so that you can at least here. Keep a pad of paper by the phone so that you can write your questions and comments down and he can relay them. Plus this gives you a chance to write down what is said and who says what.
Good luck at your hearing. Best wishes

Petra - posted on 02/02/2010

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I went through something similar with my step-son. We had to take his mother to court to get access to him when he was only two and, two years later, a lot of things have not changed. He has shown up with bruises, chipped teeth, dirty clothes that are too small, insufficient and inappropriate clothing for the duration of his visit, etc. He's told us about being in the hospital for pneumonia several times and always seems to be sick and we have never received a word of explanation about his various injuries and his constant illnesses. His mother has displayed extremely immature behaviour in front of her son during pick-up and drop off (name calling, swearing, yanking her son from his father's arms, etc.) and she is almost always late and unpleasant when we meet her. She also taught him to call her boyfriend "Daddy" - and they are no longer together. All you can do is control what is happening while he is with you - clean clothes that fit, a nice clean home, regular baths and other hygienic routines, lots of healthy food, constructive playtime, stories before bed - make sure that everything in your home is consistent and healthy for this child. Custody will not be granted to the father unless the mother is extremely neglectful and/or abusive and it does not sound like she is. You must also be able to prove this - concretely - so yes, document everything, but try to not let any of this affect your step-child. Enjoy your time with him and make sure that he knows he is loved by both of you. Don't let any of his mother's poor parenting habits affect your time with him and always make sure that your household is a loving and stable place for him to be.

Danielle - posted on 02/02/2010

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Wow its nice to see I'm not alone!

Does it get easier, I don't know. I think you just learn how to deal with it a little better as time goes on. I have been involved in my stepsons life since he was less that 24 hours old. We began with every other weekend visits then then every other 4 days to adapt to my husbands work schedule and now we have residential custody. (They still have joint custody, so I still have to deal with Biomom all the time).

We change his clothes the second he gets home. I used to deal with the diaper rash issue ALL the time, it seemed like I got it cleared up just in time for my little guy to go back and get another one!

My biggest word of advice is DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!!

Everything! Any communication or transaction should be documented. Take pictures of things that seem even the most minor. If you can track a pattern you have a case.

Hang in there and don't let her ruin your marriage!

Betty - posted on 02/01/2010

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I wouldn't worry about what he shows up in or comes with because you should have stuff for him anyway and you could dress him in nice clothes as soon as you get him. Just remember, because she is his mother she has the right to screw up his life a little bit. When he is potty trained there won't be anymore rashes and he will not get hurt as often either. Babies are just clumsy at this age.

Stefanie - posted on 02/01/2010

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Baby mama drama seems to all be the same! I though I was reading my own post there for a second! My husbands ex-gf is psycho as well. My stepson Jr is 2 1/2 and he and I have a great relationship. The great thing about children at this age is that they know who love them. It doesn't matter what his mother tells him because he knows otherwise and he's happy when he's around me. HIs mother will regret it all one day b/c in the end her son will know the truth. We I also have a 13 yr old step daughter (same ex-gf) and my husband has not been part of her life in 8 months! His ex basically turned her against him and it's the saddest thing ever. We have a court date coming up soon as well and my husband has petitioned to get full custody of his son. Unfortunately in the state of virginia ( and in amny states I'm sure) giving the father custody is quite unheard of. So I will keep you in my prayers as well because I know how painful and stressful it all is. Don't let her ruin your relationship with the child. He's your son too! The simplest explaination I can give is that his ex is jealous and miserable and will do anything and everything she can to ruin your husbands life and yours. Don't give her that satisfaction of getting between YOUR family. You don't have to like her or be nice to her, only cordial for the sake of the kids. I try to stay away as much as I can because I don't want anything to do with my husbands ex. I tried being nice and being a co-parent, but ther's just nothing you can do if the other party wont cooperate.
Good Luck!

Stacy - posted on 02/01/2010

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First thing you and your husband need to do is take pictures of your step son and document the date and time of the pictures. This will make it easier for CPS to look more into what is going on with your step son.

I too have a problem with my two step daughters mom. For me it got easier, but it varies from person to the other. I do hope in your case it does get easier and better. Have your husband talk to his ex-wife and see if he can to her about you wanting to spend time with your step son. For the mean time, make the most out of spending time with your step son when he is home with you and your husband.

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