Name changes

Heidi - posted on 02/12/2009

Thanks a million Rebecca! You are a doll and of course my oldest and dearest friend.  You have known me almost my whole entire life so you know how I tick.  There are few things Jaime neglected to mention in her response to you though and I thought I would make you aware of, but then again I am sure you already know because I tell you everything.  Jaime forgot to mention the numerous times I have driven to take my son up there and back for visits, birthdays...You get the drift. She only mentions the good stuff she has done, but did you notice she didn't mention what I have done over the years?!  Oh well say la vie.  Its a tit for tat situation. She only wants herself to be the good one in all of this.  She doesn't know what I go through with my son on a regualr basis when he askes"Why doesn't my daddy love?" or" why wont he visit me?"  I have run out of answers for him so I have to tell him to talk to his dad about it and he tells me he is scared because he doesn't want him to get mad or yell at him.  Also what she wrote about me accusing her of abusing my son...never said that and I asked my son if I have ever said that and he said "NO"  there was one time that she did yell at him and I told his father that she shouldn't be the one yelling at him, since he rarely sees them.  I also asked my son if she has ever sat down and talked to him about how much they love him and he said"NO" to that to.  My son has no reason to lie to me so of sourse I believe him. She is not the typical stepmom because my son is hardly ever with them, but from what I gather from my son is she is the one that takes care of him while his dad is at work, fishing or out with his friends(his words not mine)  So Jaime is the primary care taker of my son while he is there and I don't have a problem with that.  My problem is his father because he rarely sees him or has time for him.  He always has and always will make excuses.  Its getting very tiresome.  So I find no need to even talk to him because I don't appreciate him calling me every name in the book.  You know exactly what has been going over these and my son has even told you some stuff, but with Jaime its all about her the good she has done.  AS for my sons father he is selfish and makes sure he comes first( when it come sto his son anyway)  apparently he is a different man with his daughters, whereas me as a loving parent makes sure my kids come first.  No job or distance would ever in a million years come between me and my kids.  You know what Matt is like and you have known him since before I was pregnant, so you know where I am coming from.  This all started because my son wants to have my last name because he feels neglected and abandon by his bio dad.    To say I love you doesn't really mean a thing, actions speak far louder then words.  My son loves his stepdad and he is happy to have him in his life.  He is always there for him and that I am thankful for everyday.  I did forget to mention and I am sure you have figured this out by now that I have been a mother and a stepmom longer then Jaime has even been a mother.  In other conversations she says she has been a stepmom for 10 years now, but they thats not even possible since my son isn't even 10 yet!  So I guess Mr. Flannigan had at 3 girls on a string during my pregnancy because I didn't even know about her till my son was almost 2. I only knew about Courtney.  Shows you just how blind I was back then, but then I met my Joe and now I see the light and couldn't be happier.  Despite what Jaime says.  I wouldn't want to be in shoes for all the money in the world. 

Jaime - posted on 02/11/2009

I forgot to add something else!!!!

Shall I bring up the fact of always hearing from my SS's mother how my husband is always cheating on me. One time I also heard there is another child out there belonging to my husband. It makes me wonder why she is so obssessed with the relationship I have with my husband. Thats way beyond the well being of her son. If you are so happy with your own husband, life and children why keep trying your hardest to mess with mine. It will never work.............

Jaime - posted on 02/11/2009

Miss Rebecca, I just loved your post. That is great to hear about a family that finally functions normally with step's involved. I just thought I would take a minute to explain a few things that obviously have been missed.

1. My SS parents were never married

2. I am not and will never try to be a bio parent to my SS. He already has a mommy, dad, and oops almost forgot a daddy too....

3. I have tried to include my SS in our life as much as I can. I have driven 2 1/2 hours to pick him up and bringing him to my home to spend time with his sister's, father and myself. I have driven down with my children to celebrate birthdays, communion's and even a christmas concert. I have driven down for a day here and there to take him out for the day. I have made sure he has never felt forgotten by his sisters on holidays even the small ones. I have even given gifts to my SS half brother so he doesn't feel left out when my SS comes home with gifts.

3. During visitations at our home I have taken time of work so he is not left with a babysitter when his father has had to work.

4. During visitations I try to make special outings (movies, chuckie cheese, fair, etc.)

5. At one point when my SS was young I had my husband return him home early because he developed a fever and wanted his mother. But then I was accused of beating my SS on this occasion.

6. Yes I have sat my SS down and talked to him, telling him how much he means to our family, and how much we love him. He response was "yes I know, I love you too"

I have not questioned the ability of my SS mother (your friends) parenting techniques, I know she loves her son and does everything she can for him. I don't agree with some of the things she has said he knows about regarding this whole situation. I have supported my husband in all his decisions, shall we take tonight for example: Tanner's request to fly to Calgary with his 18 year old step brother this summer. My husband told him no, that he needed to talk to his mother. Funny how she would let him fly across country and not let his bio grandma take him on the bus to our house???? I talked to my husband and told him if my SS mother thinks he will be under responsible care then he should be allowed to go. Instead of making things harder, you need to compromise with her. Low and behold my husband phoned and told his son he thought about it and he will support his mothers decision.

I think it is pretty pathetic that my SS mother has to send people messages to come and check out Circle of Mom's. I did not invite her to join any conversation I have participated in, she has brought on all of this herself with posting the crap she has. Obviously from reading other women's post's that don't even know her think there is a problem as well.

What exactly have I done to treat my SS so badly?? Also how am I trying to become his bio mom??

Heather - posted on 02/11/2009

He can file an objection. Then it's up to a judge. Usually if the father says no and mom has no legitimate reason for it, they will say no.

Nicole - posted on 02/11/2009

Jamie, I didn't read all the posts here but I have possibly a suggestion for you. My husband's ex had his last name until she got remarried. Then, when she got divorced from him she changed her name back to my husband's name. We were upset at first, but I truly do understand wanting to have the same last name as her child. Anyway, maybe if you offer for her to take your hubby's last name back that'll solve the problem. You may have to swallow your pride a bit, but I think it would be a good compromise. Hope this helps! Good luck. :-)

Rebecca - posted on 02/11/2009

Quoting Jaime:

Name changes

The newest development with our bio mom: She has apparently started legal proceedings to change my SS's last name from his fathers (which she gave him at birth) to her last name.

Wow Jaime, I can't believe everything I'm reading here.  As you may, or may not know, I've been around your ss, or as I like to refer to him my friends oldest son, since before he was born.  Although I guess you have too, just not necessarily in the way you would want to make public.  Have you noticed how he's been treated by you and your husband?  Have you ever sat down and talked to him about how he feels? 

 After successfully raising both of my kids (one is heading to college, the other will be graduating high school in 2 years), I am also partnering with my husband and his ex wife to raise my Step daughter.  Surprisingly enough I also get the priviledge of spending time with my step daughters half brother. 

I have found, both through the behaviours of my own step parents,  through my personal experience as a step mom, and also through the behaviour of my own children's step mom - it is best to ensure that you are there to support your husband - and offer an approachable parent to your step child.  Don't try and become a bio parent - you will only create additional friction. 

Perhaps you should take some advise and learn to step out of the situation, and let your husband deal with what he needs to deal with - although I know that's not his strong point - its really none of your business.  Primary parenting is taken care of - that is a benefit of being a step parent when the child lives with the other parent.  Instead of spending your time bashing his mother, and the decisions being made for your step sons primary family - try spending time being an approachable step parent.  Don't push yourself into primary parenting conversations unless you're invited.  Let the primary parents deal with each other and spend your time raising your own bio kids.  This has worked amazing for all of my children, and created an environment which allows my ex and I to deal with our bio children as necessary, and my husband and his ex to deal with their bio child.  My exes wife is an amazing person, and when I (or my children) need assistance she'll help - when invited.  She doesn't stick her nose in unless we ask.  She does provide support for her husband, and has made herself completely approachable to my children.  I would never even consider doing most of the things you act as if are your right with regards to your step son.  I may not always agree with my husband, or his ex wife, but they are the bio parents - and I would never, under any circumstances let my step daughter know I don't agree..

You need to learn boundaries - both when it comes to other peoples kids, and as historically demonstrated other people's husbands.

Heidi - posted on 02/11/2009

The papers were not from City Hall as you stated.  They came from the Registrar General.  I did have to go to City Hall and go under oath stating that the letter and the papers were true.  I am glad that you found my letter amusing, and the fact that I had my son sign it in front of his school principal, but I did that so you guys realize he is aware what the letter said before you 2 decide to change what was said in the letter.   Those papers were just copies sent to your husband to let him know what was going on, so lawyers won't be involved until your husband decides to take me to court on this issue.  IF your husband would make an attempt to be in his sons life none of this would be happening now, but my son feels neglected and unloved by his real father.  It doesn't matter you live 2 1/2 hours away I know other families that are farther apart then that and there fathers still visit every other week.  Your husband always has the time to go fishing, hunting, go to the hunt camp and so on and so on, but never time for his only son.  We can go back and forth and you can have people on your side, but you know the whole truth, you just dont share it with everyone.  You just show the bad side of me and only the good side of you.  So whatever happens will happen.  Only time will tell in the end...

Heidi - posted on 02/10/2009

Just so you are aware I am a stepmom also and have been now for 8 years.  That is why I am on this forum.  I am well aware of what is being said about me, but truly I dont care what other people think.  I will speak my mind and defend my actions 100%.  Just so you know I never changed schools for my son, other then when we moved to a different area.  He has always been in Catholic school so I am not contempt of anything.  No where in the court order does is state what type of school my son should go to.  He had the choice to go to the same school as his stepbrother or to a different one and he opted to go to the same school as his stepbrother. 

Dawn - posted on 02/10/2009

Jamie, I feel so bad for you.  Life is hard enough raising kids, blending families, working, etc without having to put up with childish crap on a message board! 

From the way I see it, the BM is not going to back off anytime soon.  She is out to make you and your husband pay and she will not stop until she has ran you COMPLETELY out of her son's life.  Obvious to us all, she is making no efforts to getting along with you for the sake of her child.

A mother that TRUELY cared about the emotional well-being of her own child, would put her own feelings aside, do what's right for her child, and stop screwing with his head.

She just wants to cause trouble. I think its best if we all ignore HER!

Jaime - posted on 02/10/2009

Thanks Penny. My husband received the name request papers in the mail yesterday. We assumed they would be coming via attorney legal papers, but they are just forms that you pick up at your city hall filled out by bio mom along with a typed letter from bio mom with her reasons for changing his name, she even had my SS sign and date the letter. From reading your post Penny some of the reasons for the name changing are similar. Other reasons are kinda silly. I got a laugh out of the traveling comment. With my SS having a different last name she will have a hard time travelling out of province with out a written note from my husband.

We have a lawyer who has been kept up to date on all the crap that is constantly popping up. Just not to sure if it really makes a difference Bio mom will always behave the way she does, not matter what kind of custody papers are drawn up.

Penny - posted on 02/09/2009

My SD was born out of wedlock and in the state where she lives bio-moms get all rights. My husband's only right was to pay child support. At birth bio-mom gave SD my husband's last name because I think at the time she thought they would end up together and then she'd eventually get my husband's last name too. Anyway, when we took her to court last year for visitation and joint custody she brought up changing SD's last name to hers because she testified that she was fearful my husband would hurt her if she didn't give SD his last name (though they dated for years before after SD's birth), that kids would tease her for our last name along with other ridiculous claims like her last name is common in the area and so SD would feel like she belonged to a family if her last name was moms. The judge denied her request and said it would be detrimental to a child (she's five) to have her name changed AND that she belonged to two families, moms and dads, a family with her same last name and one without her same name. He ruled this in October. Now at all our visits (we get monthly visits where she lives) SD is telling us her mom changed her last name to bio-moms even though the mean, bad judge hurt her mom's feelings on purpose. And my husband just talked to her kindergarten teacher the other day and she told him that SD has recently started writing mom's last name on all her papers. When she asked bio-mom about this she told the teacher that she didn't know why SD would be doing this and that she's really smart and just probably wants her last name to be the same as her moms. Such b.s.! There is so much other obsessed alienator traits.. for another time I guess...

The judge also granted us with joint legal custody even though we live 7 1/2 hours away from SD and bio-mom. He said specifically in our order that if bio-mom changed schools, religion, doctors, etc without first consulting my husband, she would be in contempt of court and that if he brought this before the court's attention she would be reprimanded... Whatever that means.

Jaime, if you guys can afford to get one, I'd get an attorney who can draw up your own papers for denying this motion to have your SS's name changed and charge mom with either alienation or being in contempt of court for changing schools, religion, etc. Good thoughts and luck your way!

And bio-moms I don't want to be confrontational, but my question to you is.. unless you are a step-mom, why are you even on this forum or reading these conversations, besides to be nosy?

Amanda - posted on 02/09/2009

I tried to change my kids name, when i got married only because they have my maiden name and not his, and they have my parents last name. anyways, i don't think that she is able to do that because they told me that i needed his signature and a note saying that he don't mind them changing names, but i am from minnesota and i am not sure where your from but in minnesota i think that you need a note saying that you want to switch it and a signature so that would be weird if she got away with that. i would fight it if he doesn't want them to change names. well good luck

Jaime - posted on 02/09/2009

Heidi, I am not bashing you, or downgrading your ability as a mother. You are Tanner's biological mother and no one can take that away from you. I have never once said you are a bad mother towards Tanner. I can only imagine how much Tanner loves and admires you. I left the other conversation on this forum because you came on and started stiring up the pot. I didn't ask you to join my conversation, you have looked on this website until you found me once again. You have started your own conversations on here and I have not posted nasty things about you. I am venting, and stating facts on our side on the situation and obtaining advice from women that seem to be dealing with the same shit.

Everything I have posted has been the truth, and I am not twisting facts around. I have printed and saved every message I have had via facebook, and emails since all of this started years ago, a huge file is accumulating. Which is pretty tiring........

In another post you mentioned defending son and husband if people talk trash about them. What is it exactly you think I am doing?? Please leave my conversation, it was never started for you to start attacking again.

Thanks to all the other members advice and tolerance to the harrassment.

Heidi - posted on 02/09/2009

Well thanx for your advice and I will take it under advisement.  The way she twists everything around and makes me out to be the bad parent. I am here all the time for my children.  To me a good parent is someone that is a part of a childs life, not one that comes and goes as they please and lets months go by without seeing them, or weeks go by without talking to them.  I hope all of this gets printed out, actually I will print it all out myself, along with other emails that were sent to me  and my son in regards to all of this.  I have talked to several people about this and have showed people what is being said on here.  Some find it quite amusing and others find it ridiculous.  Whether you or anyone else thinks my son is old enough to change his name doesn't really matter, because he has decided this and I am just doing the paperwork and taking all the flack for it, which I dont mind because I wouldn't want my son to endure all of this thats for sure.  Whether the name change happens or not doesn't chagne who he is as a person. He is strong minded, stuborn, happy and healthy.  Here in Canada when a child is born out of wedlock they can take either mom or dads last name and it can be changed at any time to the other name.  The paperwork is in and sent so now its up to the courts to decide the outcome and whatever it may be will never change how I feel about my son.  IF his father chooses to fight me on so be it.  My son will have his say, I will have my say and so will his father, and in the end whatever happens I am totally fine with.

Khalimah - posted on 02/09/2009

My friend is having a problem we live in VA and her daughters father left when she was a few months old. She's 10 now and my friend is married and her husband is the only father that her daughter knows. They have had a convo with her about her bio father but again he has not made any attempt to be apart of her life. She hasn't moved out of the area or anything. She wants to change her daughters last name to her married name. She has 2 daughters and one is by her ex. Is there any way she can change her last name if she doesn't know where the father is.  

Kerri - posted on 02/09/2009

Why you seem unhappy - because in your posts all you do is try to convince other people you are happy.  And what is pathetic is that as a mother you are continuing to come on here and post this crap.  And also what is pathetic is the fact that you are robbing your child of his childhood by making him participate in crap that involves letters from your exes and you trying to change his name.  You did not come here to have a "normal conversation"  - you came here to find out what your exes wife was doing and to cotinue your personal scrap with her here on Facebook.  I dont know you from Adam but it seems that everything she has said has been true.  She brought the letters up - and you admitted that was true.  She brought up you changing your sons name - and you also stated that was true.  So where is the crap?  It seems to be that you are just proving her points for her.  And if she is smart, she will print all of this off, go STRAIGHT to a family court judge and get counseling ordered for you and your child!  Once again, I wish you luck and I hope you seek counseling for you and your family.  My very educated guess is that you all need it.

Heidi - posted on 02/09/2009

Not sure why you seem to think I am unhappy, jealous or even insecure.  I don't appreciate my exes wife writing crap about me all the time. I know this is about advice and so on, but my god this is pathetic.  I can't even have a normal conversation on here without someone trashing.  My family is happy healthy and no one needs counseling.  Not sure why you would even think that, but its your opinion. I am not here to bash anyone just stating facts. 

Kerri - posted on 02/09/2009

I wish I knew what state you lived in.  I would call Family Services myself and report this. 

Kerri - posted on 02/09/2009

Heidi, This is not a personal-hash-it-out forum.  Once again, I am going to say. - I hope you seek professional help for you and your family.  Counseling seems like it would go a long way for your poor son.  I hope that one day you wake up and see what you are doing to him.  You seem like a very unhappy, jealous and insecure person.  Good luck to you and your family. 

Heidi - posted on 02/09/2009

Yes he gets a say in all of it.  The papers were sent to him by registered mail on Thursday February 5th 2009.  Its his choice whether he will respond to it.

Heidi - posted on 02/09/2009

You know what Jaime.  I am not going to stoop to you level.  You can think and say what you want about me, but my son knows whats going on and only 1 attempt has been made in 7 months for his father to see him and that was when you asked him to go away for the weekend 4 days prior to you guys leaving.  My son had plans that weekend and yes it was to go to the movies, have a friend sleep over etc., but its what he had planned for 2 weeks.  He decided himself that he didn't want to go and your husband could've called him  to ask rather then sending him a message on facebook.   You guys knew for weeks that you were going and my son could've been asked well in advance rather then just 4 days before hand.  But whatever its done its over with.  NOt sure why you would write "when things weren't going my way" because you guys have your life and I have my life.  My life does not revolve around what you do and my sons life does not revolve around your husbands schedule.  He is to come and visit and chooses not to. He is to call twice a week and he chooses to either not call at all or call late.  so whatever.  Whether the name change happens now or in a few years or not at all it doesn't matter to me.  He will still be the person in the end.  No matter what happens my love for my son will never change.

Debbie - posted on 02/08/2009

Hi, what your going through definately sounds like PAS. Don't stand back, dont walk away!!

We did on the advise from our lawyer b/c he said they would come back to us. Yes they did after about 8 mths (we didn't hear from them or see them) You know though hind sight is 20/20 we should have fought for those girls and kept fighting for them.

now we have lost them, Difinately a case of PAS, didnt know it existed untill Dawn posted it (thanks to her)

Dont let this happen to you! it breaks my heart that the eldest one is grown up and buying a house and looks like she will get married soon and we are not and have not had a part in it. The younger one is still kinda hanging on but I feel it wont be long before we lose her too, I loved these kids before I loved thier Dad, I miss them terribly.



So fight that obsessed alienator, fight all the way!!!!

Jaime - posted on 02/08/2009

Thanks Dawn, I will look into finding the book at Chapters.

Dawn - posted on 02/07/2009

Yep, your story really is a lot like mine.  Sounds like the same crap we have to put up with.

My husband has "stepped back" - not walked away.  You're right it is not good for the kids to be pulled in two different directions.  And how would it feel to be a kid and hear your mom talking sh*t about your dad all the time?  It kills me. 

After reading your BM's posts I totaly get that she loves her kids.  However, it is soooo obvious that her anger towards you and your husband out weighs her better judgement.  Same with our BM.  They are just so angry.

I read the book "Baby Mama Drama".  I read it three times.  Its a great book.  I found it before I found any message boards and it really helped me to look at the situation differently.

Jaime - posted on 02/07/2009

There is a court order, stating they have joint custody. Visitation was to be 2 days according to the father's work schedule, plus visitation in the summer and states stuff about holidays too. I can't exactly remember everything that is stated in it without digging it out and rereading it. From my perspective alot of the joint custody is a bunch of bull. We live 2 1/2 hours away and can't inforce alot of stuff that should be a joint decision. The bio mom changed schools, religion without consulting my husband. We haven't seen him in 7 months because my husband works 6 days a week (Mondays being his only day off) we can't figure out acceptable transportaion requirements from bio mom (can't take the bus with his grandma) I refuse to drive down and pick him up anymore I tried hard and long enough to make arragnements for visitation. Plus for summer vacation he can't stay with a babysitter while with us because Bio mom doesn't ever send them to a sitter ( she doesn't want someone else raising her children aka the sitter) Bio mom did drive him up to our house I think about 5 times in the last 9 years for visitation and met us half way about the same about. She has told us it is not her responsibility to drive our SS for visitation. I just think if she wants my SS to see his father as much as she always says than she would be willing to meet half way alittle more often. The last time we were driving through his town for a weekend away, and thought it would be a great opportunity to visit with him for the weekend. My husband sent him a message about a week in advance once our plans were confirmed and he already had plans for the weekend (going to the movies with his mom) then I get to read how horrible my husband is because he hasn't seen his son in 7 months.BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! The name change is the newest drama unfolding. My husband and I talked about it the other day, in the grand sceme of things there is nothing he can do unless we receive legal papers. It is not worth the hassel of fighting with bio mom over everything. If my SS wants to change his name although it really hurt my husband if we fight it now in a few years he can do it again anyway. I don't doubt the fact of Bio mom loving and raising my SS, and I just hope he is emotionally happy. Some days it seems almost best to walk away (not that I want to or my husband wants to) but is it best for our SS then he doesn't feel pulled in 2 directions. I would hope he knows we love him, miss him and always want to see him but I can only imagine what he hears about us from the other side. I apoligize in advance if Bio mom reads this and starts attacking again. Please just ignore her if that happens. I really appreciate all the advice from you all.

Kerri - posted on 02/06/2009

Jaime does your husband have any legal custody rights at all?  If so, then she can't change his name without his permission.  Aside from his biological right, he has  a legal right to the child.  Is there a decree setting for legal and/or physical custody.  You guys need a lawyer. 

Dawn - posted on 02/06/2009

How can a 9 year old make a request to change his name?  That is NOT any decision a child needs to make.  That is totally driven by the bio-mom.

What a nasty move. 

Your situation is so much like mine.  I'm sure my husband's ex will read this and then she'll get the bright idea to do it too.  Why can't these woman just concentrate on positive things for their kids instead of the constant bullsh*t?

Kerri - posted on 02/06/2009

Jaimie, my personal advice to you is to try to get your husband to do something.  You have enough information from the last posting from her to get in front of a family mediator or a counselor and get therapy ordered for the child.  Print out the entire log for the last conversation and try to get your husband to do something to help his son.  If nothing else, show up for the name change hearing with a lawyer and make it clear to the judge what she is doing, that she is showing him letters, etc.  This entire family needs help - and a judge CAN and will order it.  This IS PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME. 

Debbie - posted on 02/06/2009

Hi,

I changed my name (not legally just known as) when I was starting high school from my dad's name to my mum's maiden name. I did this because #1 I didn't feel apart of that family anymore and #2 I didn't like the name it left alot of room for teasing, which i'd already had alot of yrs of.

With that name I got my licence and everything else, on my birthcertificate it still has my other name.



We are all Gee's. As bad as one of thier mum's are she did try it once but it never evenuated. The kids and Dad fought it.

I think it should be the kids decision, when they are old enough, ( 9 is not old enough) It should only be when the father has absolutly nothing to do with that child. Not just the angry whim of the bio mum.



Fight for his name!!!! It's HIS name. In Aust the father has to sign papers to have the name changed, otherwise they can go as 'know as'. So you may win with the legal side of it..but be careful if she can change it as a known name. Good luck all the best

Bethany - posted on 02/06/2009

My situation is a little different. The bio mom and my husband weren't ever married so she gave my stepson her last name at birth. It actually is quite difficult teaching everyone who's who. I feel like I need to make a chart. The sad thing is my SS has asked several times to have his name changed to his dad's name. I don't know, I know there are a lot of independent women who say it's horrible to take the man's name and all of that. But seeing it first hand, it means a lot to a child to have that name link. I get angry that my SS wants his dad's name, but bio mom just refuses. Good luck!

Josette - posted on 02/06/2009

I hope things work out for everyone, I know its gotta be stressful for all of you. Sending lots of good vibes to you & your family!

Jaime - posted on 02/06/2009

I don't know. We haven't heard anything from the courts yet. It is all getting alittle ridiculous. My SS is only 9 years old and apparently it was his request to change his last name. This all came about in the last couple of weeks, when things weren't going her way?????

Josette - posted on 02/06/2009

Does he get a say in it at all?