Names for Dad and kids..kinda long sorry

Catrina - posted on 01/22/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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New here, but had a questioned and wondered if anyone agreed with me here.....

I'm the Step Mom of a 8 yr old beautiful girl, and a 10 yr old handsome boy. My husband and I have known each other about 18 years now, and dated when I was in school - but went our separate ways in high school. Which turned him towards his now ex. They had a son before they were married, and 18 months later their daughter was born. My husband and Biomom had issues, obviously - that caused their split. My husband didn't make the right choices and it took several months for him to straighten up. By this time, Biomom had followed her parents out of the Country in order to maintain something stable for the kids. They were attempting to try and repair their marriage - but when she came back to the states decided to change her mind. At that time my husband had filed for separation upon her request. Telling her if she wanted a Divorce to go ahead and finish the filing. She fled the state with the kids. No forwarding phone number, address NOTHING!

It took 16 months for my husband to locate his children. Who were taken without legal rights to. By this time we had reconnected, and in his search I vowed to help him. We had a looooong talk about his options - to take the children by Court Orders back into his custody, or allow them to stay with biomom and seek visitation. The kids were just barely 2 and 3 1/2 by then. Neither of them knew their Dad. I informed him of the extreme emotional issues that would occur if he decided to pull them away from biomom. However he had that right since they were taken against Court Order. This is the one thing my husband regrets. But still understands the impact it would have had on the children.

The relationship between biomom and my husband hasn't mended or been able to really find balance. Anyhow...my husband has fought long and hard for everything he has with his children today. There hasn't been a year where biomom wants to take full custody stating one of the two children are traumatized by the visits. Just within the past 2 1/2 years have we been able to have the children fly between visits, instead of driving 600 miles to meet half way. Biomom is remarried, to someone 6 years younger than her. He wasn't of age when they started dating. It was shocking to say the least. But my husband applauded this young man for taking on such a big responsibility. Laid it out in black and white -- treat biomom with respect because if you don't it's going to affect the kids, and if that happens then he's got bigger problems. Young boy agreed and said he'd never try to replace him as Dad to the kids.

Well here we are...young boy didn't keep his word. He demands the children refer to him as Dad and call their father by his first name. The children are using biomom's new married last name, and being told that is their name. They've even gone as far as to tell the children that my husband is just another guy they visit, but they come home to their "true family"....every time this has been addressed biomom plays dumb and pretends that the children are to young to understand such a complicated situation. As for the last names, she explains that it's a issue with school and if they were to have problems. They wouldn't know who to call for help if they went by their legal names, the ones on their birth certificates.

Being the person I am, I've always gone the honest route. My oldest sons father passed away when my son was only 19 months old. I haven't changed or even pretend for him to go by my husbands last name, nor have I ever denied him any knowledge about his dad. He asks me a question, within reason, I answer it. His father and I didn't have the perfect relationship, however - my relationship with his dad was my own. Not his. His dad loved him...but couldn't find peace on earth. So he chose to leave it....my son understands that he has a dad who made him, and another dad that was meant to come into his life and care for him with me.

My SD & SS were blown away about a year ago when my SS started to argue with my husband about his eyes being the color of his other "dad" because he made him. That my husband was just someone to come visit and have fun with. So instead of argueing back, my husband pulled out the birth certificate for both of the kids. Gave it to them and asked them to read it. UGH! My heart was crushed when they both looked at us with such confusion. My SS cried and asked why he wasn't allowed to call my husband Dad if he IS his Dad? We showed them wedding photos from when biomom and dad got married. My SS was about 7 months old when they wed - and my SD wasn't born. But she was a part of her biomom's recent wedding, so she put 2 and 2 together. She asked all sorts of questions, and asked about their wedding and if they kissed too?

I do not have either of my step children refer to me as mom. What they call me is what they choose, when I send letters I sign my name. Not mom. But they are my children as well. I put myself in biomom's shoes (even in my husbands) and think of the pure anger and disrespect I'd feel if my children were told to call someone else mom. Not given the choice, but told to do so. In addition to go by my new last name. I joked with my SD about writing my maiden name down, when she was writing a letter and signed it, and she laughed at me. Told me I was silly, that wasn't her last name. I asked her why not? It's the same thing you are doing now...your mom married someone and you are going by their name? I feel left out. (We were in a playing, laughing mood - nothing serious) So I reminded her to just remember who her dad is and how much he loves her. This is when my SS comes in and says "Yeah but mom and dad hate each other that's why they got a divorce. That's why we can't call him Dad, and that's why mom doesn't like us coming out here" WOAH!!!!!!!

I'm just astonished that someone would be so ashamed of their past (if it's mentioned to biomom and the things she use to do - she FLIPS out) that they take it out on their children. The things biomom says and does is hurting the children more than she realizes. The minimum 1x a week scheduled phone call, if my husband is late or misses it - she refuses to allow the children to call back stating that they are too busy to call.

But my husband fights biomom constantly about seeing the kids, and it falls during school breaks. Thinking the children's best interest is at heart - you'd think biomom would want the kids to spend as much time possible with their Dad. Its sad to live with the fact that this isn't something biomom uses to make her decisions.

I've reminded my husband that he has every right to go into court and require them (biomom and whoever on her end) by court order to refer to him as dad when speaking to the children about him (Like when he calls "Dad's on the phone") in addition to the last names.

So what do you think about ordering the children to refer to their biodad by his first name? As well as ordering the children to write biomom's married last name?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I am so sorry to hear of all you are going through. My husband and I are going through the same thing with my five year old step-daughter and her mother. My step-daughter lives about 500 miles from us. My husband was never married to her mom but his daughter has his last name. Last year when we went to court for visitation mom tried to have the judge change SD's last name to hers because she said kids would make fun of SD for having our last name and because it was different from moms. Thank goodness the judge denied that order. But that didn't stop mom from lying to her daughter. At our last visit my SD told me her mom changed her last name to moms and that sometimes she just goes by her first name and middle initial or if she "uses" her last name then she mispronounces it because her mom says she can. I think that is so disrespectful.

We also have just began visits with SD. Bio-mom claims SD fears for her life with her dad and needs only her mom. I think it's more mom can't live without SD. Without getting into too many details because there isn't enough space here, at our last visit SD really opened up to me and shared A LOT of what her mom is telling her. Bio-mom is crazy. She has already lied so much to SD about her father and is intentionally hindering their relationship. For example, at one point in our visit SD asked me about her half-sister and how I knew it was time for her to be born. Being pretty general I told her what happened. She asked if her dad was at the hospital with me. When I said yes she went on to tell me that he wasn't there when she was born. I told her that yes he was and she looked so surprised then asked ME to tell about when she was born. So hearing my husband talk about it before, I went through and told her what had happened. It just broke my heart that her mom would omit her father being there and caring for her weeks after she was born.

I do worry about what bio-mom may have SD do if she ever remarries though I wonder if she ever will. She even testified that she never will but at her lawyer's prompt she did say she would hyphenate her maiden name with her husband's. Bio-mom's whole world revolves around her daughter. When she and my husband were dating she told my sister-in-law that SD was all she needed. When my sister-in-law asked her what if she got married and husband wanted more kids she said she doesn't want to marry because she already had all she needed.

Like you, when I write letters to SD I sign my first name. If ever in the future she wants to call me something other than that, we will discuss it. But I would never want her to call me "mom." That would be disrespectful to the bio-mom. And knowing my husband, he would NOT accept his daughter calling him by her first name. She has already tried to at our last visit claiming that's what Mom says to call him. We nipped that one in the bud.

So I hope what I put in was somewhat helpful. I'm sorry we both are going through a lot of the same b.s. stuff. Good luck your way and keep us informed.

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Megan - posted on 01/31/2009

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Reading all these posts is so hard for me. We go through the same type of thing. My two SS call their step dad dad and bio dad by his name even though we have joint custody and are really involved in the kids lives. I have to leave the room when they boys say something like "You are our biological father, but you aren't there for the day to day." It is really difficult to push through this. And sometimes it works better than others. We just hope that as the boys get older they understand things without us having to say anything. I have never been able to talk to anyone about this who might understand.

[deleted account]

So my husband and I have to spend sometime saying "no, sweetheart, that isn't your last name. This is your last name."

[deleted account]

Well my SD tells us at every visit that her mom has changed her last name and that she has mom's last name now.. So frustrating considering she already tried to do this legally in court and was denied.

Sarai - posted on 01/30/2009

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Yeah, that was what I was getting at. Although I don't think the child should even be allowed to write the mother's last name at all if it isn't his/her last name! I could understand if the Father is someone that doesn't want anything to do with the child, but if the Father is a good guy and wants to be in his kids life then the biomom just needs to back off!!!!!!

[deleted account]

I didn't see who posted about schools and kids legal names, but I'm a teacher and I had a student a couple years ago who's mother wanted him to go by her last name instead of his father's last name and his legal last name. She wanted this to be his 'alias.' My principal told me that if he wanted to write that last name on his papers in class he could but that all his school documents had to have dad's last name on it. She was very upset and threw a fit about how we weren't making him comfortable in our school because we weren't allowing him to use his "real" last name. The following year she pulled him out of our school. In the school district where I teach every child should have a folder at their school with all their legal information: copy of their birth certificate, social security card, etc. Hope this helps.

Sarai - posted on 01/30/2009

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I think that is crazy!!!!!!! And I thought that by law the school has to use the kids legal names so if the school is using biomom's new name than she has fudged some paper work!! My SD was 3 and a half when my husband and I got together and I have never once made her call me Mom. At one time she called me Mommy Sarai, and would tell people she had two mommies. But that was never my doing, that was all her. Most of the time now she just calls me Sarai and that is fine by me! It sounds to me like maybe your husband needs to talk to a lawyer! And then maybe the children's school after that. Schools have this thing called an emergency contact paper for each child.......that way they know who to phone!!!!!!!! So that is the dumbest excuse that I have heard ever of why kids should go by her new name. But seriously the mom just needs to back off!!!! Good luck to you!! I hope everything turns out OK!!!!

Debbie - posted on 01/30/2009

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My hubby's ex tried that before...she gave some speel about the kids all needing the same name at school (she had another child not my husbands) so she was concerned she would look bad because she had a different last name and her 3 kids all had different last names aswell, my husband said bad luck no way in this world would he allow that. So fight fight for his name to back with those kids....it's who they are

[deleted account]

It's all a mess... Sorry to sound so stereotypical, but those darn small town folks.. They all stick together... Bio-mom testified that she didn't know the therapist only that she had been recommended by the GAL. GAL testified that she didn't know bio-mom except through passing and it was only coincidental because their town was so small. Yet she told my husband and I at our first "interview" with her that she knew bio-mom through passing and that she knew SD's childcare provider who she used to work with (who we didn't find out until court, was actually SD's grandma)!! Also bio-mom testified that she called GAL on a Sunday afternoon (long story for another time) and at the courthouse she went up and gave bio-mom a hug. On BOTH days we were in court! She didn't even wave hi to my husband and I! GAL is supposed to be the child's advocate, not mommy's new bestfriend!

Anyway, back to therapist, now my hubby is emailing the therapist and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. He asked her to let him know when visits were and if she could briefly give him some recommendations, etc. She flat out told him no she won't do that because she's so busy yet in the sentence before that she told him that before each session she talks to bio-mom and then after each session she shares with bio-mom what goes on. But she won't do that for my husband? He has joint-legal custody. Can the therapist get into trouble for that? Any advice? Also SD told me at our last visit that she doesn't like going to the therapist because her mom and the therapist just talk for a "long time" and leave her in the waiting room while they talk for a "long time". Granted she's five years old and a couple minutes can be a long time, but for her to bring it up to me that she doesn't like to go? It's just all very strange to me...

Catrina - posted on 01/28/2009

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As far as that goes, I'd ask for the courts to have a rep for the SD.... when biomom tried to revoke all rights my husband had based on her thoughts of SD being traumatized by the visits etc...in mediation my husband even questioned why hadn't she taken her to see someone...she had no response. The mediator even questioned her, again no answer. The sad part -- the JUDGE demanded to know what was so horribly wrong that both kids would benefit away from dad, dropping visits down to no longer than 48 hours at a time, and in a hotel room with no family or stability? Biomom had said it was just too hard on my SD to watch, Judge asked my husband what he thought. Since biomom went back to court without a declaration he had NO CLUE why they were going back until he was already sitting in the chair at mediation, then she mentioned it to the mediator. So once my husband told the Judge at that point he questioned if Counseling was introduced, which it wasn't, that he didn't see what was so urgent to stop the visits. Biomom went into desperate mode -- "Oh well his youngest son fell and got stitches while in dad's care, oh and the other one broke his arm when he fell off his bike" It's like she tried to throw out the fact that we have 3 boys here full time and one of the three is accident prone....the Judge started to get frustrated and you could hear her "Mrs. (BLANK) give me a reason, find some reason that would justify me in siding with you and finding that it is in the children's best interest NOT to continue on with their visits?" ___ SILENCE___ then biomom said there was nothing more she was just concerned. The Judge told her that maybe next time she's so concerned that she should talk to their father about the issues and see what could be the problem, before she dare waste the courts time again.

I don't see how the courts would allow a Therapist who is friends with biomom -- it's bias - period. Ask for a second opinion of the Courts Choosing so as to not create a situation where the Therapist is closer to either parent etc.

[deleted account]

Well I'm not too thrilled about therapists. My SD goes to a therapist, who is friends with the GAL who knows bio-mom's family. The therapist swears up and down that SD has severe separation anxiety and can't be away from her mom for long periods of time. My husband asked her if she thought it could be PAS and she basically told him "Oh no, there is no way that is going on." Even though no one but mom claims SD has these issues. My husband asked SD's teacher and principal if they've seen the symptoms of separation anxiety and both said no. Her teacher said at the beginning of the year some of the kindergardeners were crying when leaving their parents. My SD ran right into the classroom and never looked back at her mom. The teacher even commented that it was a lot of the parents tearing up when leaving the kids. How can you prove it's alienation? Bio-mom just claims that SD fears her dad and won't talk to him or doesn't want to spend time with him, etc.

Heather - posted on 01/28/2009

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I'd go back to court and have the court order the mom to put the children in counseling ASAP. What she's doing is call Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Catrina - posted on 01/24/2009

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Dawn -- The courts are complicated! The process and the Jerk Judge he once dealt with was what keeps him out of court. This last time they were switched to a new Judge who laid out the consequences of non-compliance....

Yeah we have a biomom who only acts when it's to ask for Money. Not to return a phone call, not to have kids call dad to check on him after surgery, not to call on his birthday. Nothing. Unless it's benefiting her end.

After each visit, it's never longer than 2 hours after they land that we get text messages about how disappointed she is that we "corner" the kids and "make" them supply such random things, and making her look like the bad guy. My husband had told her that there will come a time when the kids start asking questions. Guess what? It's started. We don't lie about anything my husband has done that made their mom leave. We've told them over and over again that Dad did some bad things and biomom was completely justified in leaving. But keeping them away from their dad - not ok.

As for the Courts -- we've done it all without money. My husband use to have a lawyer in the beginning and that dumb lawyer didn't do nothing but have a court investigator locate the kids. He also charged a freaking arm and a leg....for NOTHING! Unfortunately I have siblings who've been in and out of Family Court in California - and so I know what can be done and what can't. He doesn't even go into the courts to get the papers to file -- it can be done online. We've become so use to having to do it, we know how to do it all without a bump in the road.....

This is his last extention my husband will allow time to pass. The Judge told him if biomom doesn't comply, then come back. He even said "Even if it's that she isn't returning phone calls?" Judge said "Yes Sir".....so this was the last year (any many pages submitted now) he goes back. He'll be going in everytime he has a problem, he's even told biomom that. So it's going to be a lot harder for her, when he's going back to court every month because of non-compliance.

I know her and her husband do well for the kids. But we are penalized because BIOMOM made the choice to leave the state. That's another thing we've told the kids. When my SS was crying about the 3 day visit he had over Thanksgiving - which falls near his birthday - we had a party planned for the Sunday morning they were to leave (we ALWAYS do something big on the last day they are here) Biomom didn't follow court order about Dad arranging flights, so we had to cancel the party. This was told to my SS when he asked why he had to leave so soon, and miss his party. Sucks when the kids start realizing that their biomom is hindering their time and experiences with their father because it's not within her scheduled activities.

Mediation is somewhat beneficial to us because my husband uses a simple declaration so that they have to ask what he wants with that topic. So hearing it from him, and having to explain to a Mediator that biomom doesn't return phone calls. The mediator has straight up asked her why? It shouldn't be more than 24 hours that pass before the kids return the call. They come home at night right??? So let them call....

Ugh....simplicity is rough and complicated for evil exes. But growing up with her, she's always been some evil woman with bad decisions. If the people she's shown this "perfect woman" to would have ANY CLUE of where she's started from....these people have completely pushed her own sister out of their circle because she didn't conform to them......Sorry, Cult like Church situation.

But I have no idea what would happen if one if not both of those kids decide to come live with Dad....I doubt my SD would, because she was a baby, and has always struggled to stay close with Dad....she doesn't even do well with sleep overs. But now there is a new baby sister on that end, and she isn't the Princess.....she lights up whenever we call her "My only baby girl!" There's 5 kids, 4 boys and 1 girl...she's right in the middle of each pair of brothers...man she's gona have a hard time with her boyfriends! I don't even want to think that far ahead!

hahaha! Sorry so bouncy on topics, I had to end it on a laugh because I get really emotionally involved with this crap.

Dawn - posted on 01/24/2009

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  My husband dated this woman for a little while...but OFCOURSE she was on the pill.  Then, guess what happened?  He tried to do the right thing, continued a relationship with her until a few months after the baby was born and then couldn't take it anymore.  He too moved 300 miles away.  She would show up at his apartment in the middle of the night with the baby.  And ofcourse, he had to let her in.  She spent a couple of years dangling the baby in front of him.  He met me when the baby was 2.  That's when things got worse. 



I too, conveniced him to fight for the child.  It was a waste of time and money.  We have a court order - signed by a judge.  She doesn't follow it.   We went 4 months without seeing or talking to the child.  My husband would call and she wouldn't return his calls.   My husband gave up. 



Enforcing a court order requires $$$$ - that which we do not have now.  Nor, do we have the energy.  My poor husband has been fighting this woman for 41/2 years over this child.  Fighting for his simple God Given Right of Parenting his very own biological child!



Women like this don't have a right to call themselves moms!



I am not fond of my ex husband....but I love my children and I want them to have the best life has to offer.  They see their dad every chance they can.  I ALWAYS do right by my children.  Why can't these other women???

[deleted account]

We got our court order in October and the judge said we had to have a set time at least once a week for phone contact but that both parents should have unlimited contact when not at other's residence. My husband told bio-mom his days off for the weekly call right away. She claimed the only day that worked was a day and time when he had to be at work (he works nights). He kept telling her his days off and for her to pick a time, any time on those two days. She refused. So then when bio-mom refiled for a new trial in November her new attorney accidently left bio-mom's email at the top telling her attorney that one of my husband's days off did work but she felt he was lying and trying to control the call situation so she was going to keep claiming that only her suggested day and time worked. She also said she had caller id and she was intentionally not answering his calls. The email to her attorney was November 7. In the meantime my husband was attempting to call when he could and got no answer. It wasn't until a week ago (yeah like January 15) that she finally told him that one of his days off would work. Of course when he called that night there was no answer then he checks his email and there is an email from bio-mom at 3:30 telling him that if he wants to talk to his daughter at 6:00 he needs to call her at a different number. Since our court order bio-mom has answered the phone 4 times to claim that SD doesn't want to talk on the phone, refuses to put her on and hangs up if my husband asks if she wants to talk to her sister or me or even if she just wants to listen to him talk. But that's okay, we have evidence in our emails of her refusal to work with us and we are just waiting it out before we go back to court where we can always ask for more visits or her having to meet us half-way instead of us driving 8 hours there and back for visits in our state. Anyway, I'm so glad I can vent on here and even though it is sad our situations are similar it's comforting to know I'm not going through this alone. Thanks for your listening ear, Catrina! God bless you and let me know how mediation and court go. Mediation this way was a joke by the way. Bio-mom refused to talk about anything but child support, medical care and name change so of course it was pointless.

Catrina - posted on 01/23/2009

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Penny -- your last statement "why can't biomoms be held accountable for things?" -- we just went and filed today to go back to court. So since this last Court hearing, she was informed that she could face civil or criminal charges if she does not follow the Court Order - well we just submitted 11 pages worth of emails with her refusal to follow Court Order. So my husband is going into this Judge and gona ask what will be done about this.

November 30, 2008 my husband and I were assaulted by my sister's boyfriend *who was drunk at the time* instead of going into all the emotional details...my husband sustained some serious facial wounds because drunk boyfriend decided to knee my husband in the face 6-7 times. Broke my husbands nose in 2 places, severely deviated his septum and split his lip from tip to gumline.

Relevance ----> My husband ended up having reconstructive surgery and was really freaking out about it. Since his kids live out of our state there is a set time on Sundays he is to call. Well the Sunday before surgery he missed the call, but we had let biomom know that he had been injured and required surgery. No call from kids to check on Dad...so surgery was Monday the 12th, me being as respectful as I am - called biomom and apologized for him missing the call the previous afternoon. Anxiety as well as pain was a huge issue and he was pretty much in bed. But that depending on his recovery I wasn't certain if he'd call the next Sunday. Biomom said ok, and I told her again, he just got out of surgery is in recovery but IF he misses the call I wanted to give you a heads up to sorta let the kids know what's up.

My kindness to inform her to relay the message to the children back fired BIGTIME! My husband tried to call at the scheduled call....no answer. Called 3 times nothing. 15 minutes after the court appointed time - biomom sends a text stating that I had told her he wasn't going to call so the kids were elsewhere.

The problem is that whenever there is a missed call - she does absolutely NOTHING to make the call up. Regardless of the reason, it's always "sorry you missed the call, they will be available next Sunday" So he went nearly 3 weeks without talking to the kids because BIOMOM wouldn't return the phone call!

I mean as an outsider - how does that affect the relationship between him and the kids? We aren't even sure if she explained anything. Biomom says that they are too busy during the week to return the call, but if the kids ASK to call him then she will allow it! WTF is that about?

UGH! SO my point now is that my husband is going into Court and asking the Judge what penalties she will face because of the continual non-compliance we have. My husband has 15% custody of his kids. The max we get to see them is about 65 days a year total. Split up from either 2 visits or 3, just alternates yearly because of the schedule.

My SS LOVES to be here, he is always so relaxed and chill, that even my brother mentioned it today. That he feels the excitement my SS has when he visits because of the actual one on one time my ENTIRE family gives him. My husband was raised only by his mother, so there is NO family here.....any my own family is emotional drained at all the BS we go through with biomom!

I will keep you posted and see what the outcome is. Court isn't until March, actually when the kids will be HERE, but as usual mediation first.....

But yeah I'm with you -- where are the penalties for these bio's who don't comply?

[deleted account]

Yes.. I am so glad I found this group. None of my married friends have stepkids so when I talk about the issues with bio-mom I feel as if they don't really understand at all. And there is just soo much drama that after awhile I just don't talk about it.

I feel the same way you do about fighting for your steps. Long story semi-short, my husband tried to break up with bio-mom and she flipped and drove over 500 miles that night, showed up on his front porch and attempted to convince him to stay with her. Of course he consoled her and a month later she was pregnant. For most of SD's life he was at her mercy. He could see his daughter as long as she said it was okay and if it was only him that came. Then she found out we were dating (though she testified she never knew) and suddenly she cut off all ties to him. At the time she was living with her parents and when my husband called she had her dad tell him to never call his home again or he was going to get a restraining order on him. So for a year my husband had no way of communicating with his daughter. I finally told him that if he wanted to be a part of his daughter's life he had to fight for her. Because if bio-mom could have it her way, him and our family would have NOTHING to do with my SD. She doesn't want anyone to influence SD but her. She's told that to my husband and my sister-in-law, who she used to be "close" with. So anywho, we served her with court papers in June and miraculously in August before our court date, she moved out of her parents home, put her daughter in a daycare (where SD's grandma was watching her before), and enrolled her in preschool for the fall. Then we had to do the court ordered supervised visits with a guardian ad litem (GAL), who is supposed to be the child's advocate. Only the mom's mom KNEW the GAL! GAL wrote up a report saying we needed to continue with supervised visits only and that SD needed therapy to deal with seperation anxiety when being away from mom. Of course GAL referred bio-mom to a therapist she was friends with. From the beginning of this whole thing the cards were stacked against us. We even did the whole drive up there to visit SD for a supervised visit and bio-mom claimed she never said it was okay for this visit. I was even 8 months pregnant at this time. But anyway a year after we initially began the court stuff and a whole lot of drama between, the judge ordered in our favor giving us unsupervised visits, alternate holidays, etc. A month after the judge ruled she tried to take us back to court to have the case reopened because she felt the judge didn't look at all the evidence in his ruling and claimed that SD's therapist all of a sudden found new evidence that my husband hit his daughter when she was 2 1/2 years old. Thank goodness the judge denied reopening the case.

Needless to say bio-mom is STILL trying to paint a picture of my husband being a deadbeat dad and SD having all sorts of issues because of him. But anyone that listens HAS to see that all he's been doing is fighting for SD her whole life! It is very sad and pathetic that there are so many deadbeat dads who don't pay child support or give a care about their kids at all. Then there are some that are fighting for them and they are being denied. Why can't bio-moms ever be held accountable for anything?

Catrina - posted on 01/23/2009

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Penny, sucks to say this, but I'm glad I'm not alone! I'm trying to help my husband fill out the court papers to go back to court to address all the BS we all have gone through because of biomom...

If it doesn't revolve around her or her new life, than it just won't happen. This past summer we flew into their County and requested the Court Allowed Vacation time, gave notice in May - and we went in August. No objections, other than a soccer camp that ended at 10:30 am - we landed at 10 so no worries. 6 days prior to us leaving she flips out and says she never agreed to it and we never gave her a detailed itinerary - which all is required per court order is a BASIC itinerary - she still said we didn't comply and that their evening plans override our vacation. It was so freaking frustrating because it was the 2nd time in 5 years we had been in their area. The last time was because the kids were way younger and coming to us was really hard. So we packed up us two, my oldest son, our 1 1/2 mo old son and MIL and drove out there. Spent 2 weeks out there knocked up in a hotel and all. Spent $4,000 just for that. We even told her had she worked with us that'd be money she would have got, but NOPE. Anyhow, so she finally agrees to letting us see them during our visit there - for a wedding mind you that we were the head honors - as long as we had them back to her on the side of the freeway by 5:30pm at the latest. Then they end up with the chicken pox - but never went to a Dr for a check up before or after - so then she wanted to use us as her babysitter for them and changed the time to 9pm. After she pitched her fit and basically made us cancel our entire day with them, we committed to helping out with last minute prep stuff for the wedding and were fuming because of it.

Like I said my oldest son still has his dad's last name. The BS I went through with that man was hell, and I was 19 years old when he did what he did, leaving me with our young child to raise without a father...ugh....then we deal with biomom - and the fact that my husband WANTS to be involved with his children. Just because we only get to see them a small amount of time - my husband hasn't complained about what he gets. He's always looking at it like "It's better than what I started with when she kidnapped them" (to which she denies - although I have the court investigators letters to her father's CO demanding information and rank stuff for them to inform him where the children were)

Biomoms response was "I wanted to see how responsible you were, and if you were going to put in work to locate them. You've proven that now, so we can move forward with slowly letting you back into their lives. They are young, ph calls will be hard. But you need to give me 90 notice prior to coming out here to see them, and whether I believe it's at their best interest to spend that time with you I will allow it. But it can not be longer than 48 hours long, and you can't have overnights for at least a year."

It's just as if she's treating him like a dead beat. Trust me - I am no one to deal with that crap. I told him in the beginning, either you go full force or nothing at all. None of this half @ss crap. It breaks my heart to know that there's been times that my husband has been so beaten down by her name calling "sperm donor" etc, that he wants to give up.

Biomom would be STOKED if he backed off and didn't see them at all. She'd be in heaven.

With the first name thing - we nipped that too - they sorta slip up every now and then and begin to call him his name then correct it. They do the same when they talk about their other "dad" - where they correct it and say step dad. We've told them it doesn't bother us that they call him dad as long as they know who their Father is, the one who made them. The one who wasn't 14 when they were born. *chuckle*

But they call me mom, naturally because of the other 3 boys here - I let them decide that. I only correct them if they stumble with Dad, not me. No matter how much I'd love for it flip and she feel the pain we do --- I wouldn't wish it on her. I am not my normal self. I would not deal with any of her BS at all, but my step kids are my world. I would never want them to know that I have such a sour taste for their biomom and her 6yr younger husband. I mean try to pass off a man who's the same age as their dad maybe, but this kid is younger than me?!

Anyhow, thanks again Penny. We've been told by biomoms sister (after our secret meeting that she doesn't want disclosed) that biomom is very possessive of the children because they are "her property"....we asked to purchase sports photos -- nope we didn't pay for their involvement - which we weren't even asked to help with. So no we couldn't get 'em. Lame.

Save the drama for the people who deserve it and are dead beats. Not for those who sit and hang on for dear life and HOPE that one day biomom or even biodad might get the freaking picture that we do have the children's best interest at heart....

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