Need advise. After 5 yrs, still haven't met the sk's and all because of their mother's mouth....

Samantha - posted on 07/30/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Maybe someone out their has some experience in this field and can shed some light on something that I may be missing.

This woman has been one big ball of grief since day one.

She calls "to get to know me". I think the purpose of those calls was to scare me off. It's not working. Brings up subjects about the past. How he was, what he didn't do. How she was, what she looks like...in detail.
Calls my husband at least every other day. Calls me every other day. Says questionable things about the kids or what they need.

He provides above and beyond. Asks the kids if they want to come and visit time after time, but they always have plans. He religiously flies out to see them. He has explained a time or two that it would be more enjoyable if they would come and visit. Staying in a hotel and purchasing every meal is becoming financially difficult. (Rental car, 4 day stay in a hotel w/ meals for four people, three times a day.) They say they don't know...

She gives constant excuses as to why they can't visit us. Blantanly lies about their school functions, money and why they can't come and visit us. All three kids give different reasons and excuses. (They have three kids, by the way. All teenagers.) Can never tell who's telling the truth. The kids call for questionable amounts of money or items frequently. We have found that we have to do research on such functions or items or we get screwed. We now send money to the function or purchase and send item.

What broke the camels back or my back:

The kids are ready to fly back with their dad to visit. *Plus* They are excited to meet me.
I go buy enough food to feed an army. Purchased 3 $50 gift cards for each child from several stores for the kids. Purchased tickets for all the amusement parks in our area.
Then the call came. Mom said "they have plans, can't go." The two youngest were in tears. She brought them inside their home to talk to them. 10 minutes later they came out like nothing ever happened. The kids said they can't go, they have plans. What baffled us was after talking with the ex and kids weeks before hand, she knew and could of planned accordingly.
Later on that evening, his daughter calls. We found out what mommy told them when they went inside. She told the kids that she would never see them again if they went, daddy wouldn't let you come back. You like her more than you love me? Your Step-Mom isn't the person you think she is. Don't leave me all alone. You won't like it there.

Can you sense the frustration yet?

The next day, she called, like nothing happened. I expressed my concerns (carefully). I even explained that all expenses would of been paid for. Unlimited food, fun, video games and plenty of room to sleep or lounge plus coming back home with new clothes for school. Beaches, pool, racquet ball court, tennis court, etc, etc. (We lived in a gated apartment complex by the beach.) We just wanted the kids to come and visit for a week. That's it. My intention was to ensure her that her kids would be safe and well taken care of. They would have things to do and would not be bored or uncomfortable. But as usual, the kids are busy. Two months go by, the kids never had plans.

His ex-wife started lying to the kids about me. We confronted her about this along with previous concerns. She now rubs it in our faces that her sk's come and visit her. She rubs it in our faces that she buys Coach purses and goes to the spa. She has made sexual comments to my husband over the phone. They found my MySpace page and started saying nasty comments and threatens to raise child support. (It's now deleted.) His daughter calls with her mom yelling over the phone saying that she's going to come kick my ass. Daughter brags about their new daddy. Kids call to tell my husband saying that he needs to put his B_tch on a leash. We sit here in pure confusion.
After 4 1/2 years of this, I still send them birthday cards with $20. I still send them goodies here and their and always tell them that I wish the best for them and love them and care for them. But we still get sh*t on.

The last conversation was the reason why they won't ever visit him. He re-married. It was o.k. for their mom to re-marry and pop out kids like a candy dispenser. No matter what he says or does, it's never good enough for any of them.

We don't expect them to live with us. We just want to spend some time with them. In the four years that we have been married, my husband has never shed a tear in my presence until his daughter quoted the above.

How does one deal with this kind of heartache? What do you do?

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Betty - posted on 08/01/2009

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This lady is crazy and seems to be intimidated by you because she sees what a lovely person you are. The kids are old enuf to understand what's going on here and should come around eventually.

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Samantha - posted on 08/03/2009

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I agree with you Betty. It just hurts to wait for the kids to come around. We are missing out on so much! I know what they're going through. I've been in there shoes. The only difference is, is that their father loves them and wants to be in their lives. I have a feeling it will be until the kids hit there mid 20's to early 30's before they try to re-develop a relationship with their father and me. We will always love them, care for them, think about them and wish the absolute best for them. Just wish they would let us show them without the influence of their mother.

Samantha - posted on 07/31/2009

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We have been through this route before unfortunately. The custody papers say they both have custody and he can basically get them whenever. BUT!

-My spouse is active Military and is deployable so their couldn't be a set schedule at the time. He is always gone.

-Don't have that kind of money for court hearings. Flying there and hotel stays. That racks up awefully quick. The ex told the kids at the time what we were doing and they called yelling at their dad. Telling him that we are ruining their lives. "You're making mommy cry, why are you doing this to us, just leave us alone..." They also said to us that if he takes her to court they will tell the judge that he abused them and made them watch porn. I was totally blown away when that statement came out of their mouths. What do you do? I wish their was an answer to all this. Every time we try to move two steps forward they seem to move three steps back.

They are sweet when they want something, but evil when they don't get their way.



From what I understand, she can be held in contempt if their is proof of her not letting the kids go. Back then, he didn't know. But, all the kids are teenagers now. If they say no, their is not much we can do anymore.



The only thing I can think of is when I explained the agenda for their hopefull visit, I became a threat. Maybe she was afraid that they would like me and wouldn't want to come back. I wouldn't let that happen. They need their mom and I don't know if I could raise four kids!



All that I have quoted is just a small percentage of what goes on. The woman is a nut case. And, I think the kids are right behind her. :o((

Jessica - posted on 07/31/2009

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go to court and go for parenting time, if the courts find it to be in the childrens best it shouldnt be long to you guys get to see the kids, problem with this is you would need to go to where the mother and children live

It horrible how bm do such things my fiance ex girl friend is also a real piece of work we been fighting back and forth all day (i want to knock this chick out) but it would not help any (starts to cry) Its just a way for them to keep some control over both your husband and yourself and that by hurting you with the children.

This women called social services claiming we had a grow up in our home and that i was falling down drunk while pregnant with my youngest son (2 yrs). Shes had her friend email me with all sorts of stuff like i should move they know where i live, that my fiance was cheating on me with his ex when i was at my uncles funeral. We traveled down to calgary for christmas and then she expects me to stay at the inlaws while she takes steve to visit his son (that did not go well at all - had both my fiance and her to fight with) I havnt gotten over that either actually it put a big damper in our relationship if my ex had custody of my child I would want my fiance to be a part of his life so he would come with me, had her come to my home calling me a home wrecker.

This women is also money hungry, my fiance makes around 20 grand a yr and she wanted him to pay $990 a month that for someone that makes 110-111,000 per yr

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2009

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WOW... I feel for you! I can't imagine what you and your hubs are going thru. What do his custody papers say? She can not keep the kids from him legally just because she has issues with the situation. Most custody papers state visitation procedures. If he has written consent in the papers to get them on said dates thru the month or summer, he doesn't need her permission to take them. Nor can she stop him. He should TELL her that he is coming on a certain date and keeping them for a certain time. If she says no then he can bring a law enforcer with him and she has to let him take the children. She can be held in contempt for not letting him see them. Also, He can also go to the state where the custody papers were filed and ask for help. It sounds like ya'll live in a different state. So he can ask for the new state to be listed in the papers and have a "summer" visit enforced. I would try to explain to her that if she get's into a legal battle that a lot more fathers are winning cases now days and HE has rights to his children. Getting into a legal debate with a BM isn't easy for the children so you guys need to explain to them repeatedly that ya'll are doing this for THEM. Well I hope this helps some. GOOD LUCK!!

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