Neglectful Natural Mother

Gayle - posted on 10/26/2009

I've said it before and I'll say it again, any idiot can get pregnant. But it takes strength of character and willpower to be a Mum. I don't think your daughter is saying these things just to please you. She old enough now to realise that YOU are her Mum. Thea made the decision to stop seeing a woman who has never been her mother. Thea is happy and well adjusted with you. The woman in rehab may have given birth but she is totally unsuited for the task of being a parent. Someday, she may get clean and stay clean and at that point can be re introduced to Thea's life, but she can't be Mum the way you are. I'm sure Thea is very aware of that. I wouldn't worry about her hating you as she grows up. She will see that you are protecting her because you love her.

Megan - posted on 10/25/2009

Thea is old enough to know her mind. If she says she doesn't want to see her BM, then do not force it on her.



My stepsons' BM was abusive and a "script junkie". She was hopsitalized 2x before my beloved called the marriage over. I have been the only real MOM my boys have ever known. They are now now 26 and 24 and have chosen not to have any contact with there BM since the oldest was 10. They chose not to see her, and tho we did not force the issue when they were younger, I have always felt very strongly about following some basic "rules" when ever the subject of their BM comes up.



#1. It does not matter what you may think of the BM...that is you opinion...keep it to yourself. There is no reason to "bad mouth" her BM and make her feel worse.



#2. NEVER allow your stepdaughter to "bad mouth" her BM. It's just plain disrepectful and uncalled for. Her BM will always be her BM and there is no changing the fact, even if she chooses to cut her out of her life. Plus, if you allow her to direspect her BM she will loose a small measure of respect for you as well.



#3. Always encourage her to leave the option to reconcider allowing her BM back into her life, if she so chooses, later in life. What she desires now may not be what she desires in 10 years...or is may.



#4. Do not allow her to compare YOU to her BM. There is no comparrison. You are separate people. You are not trying to replace her BM and should never try. Love her as your own, give her all you can, but always, always, always let her know it is ok to love her BM too. She doesn't have to choose between you.



and



#5. If she chooses to cut her BM out of her life right now, she needs to be the one to explain this to her BM. (With a neutral 3rd party ofcourse...prefereably a therapist) Make sure she understand her own feelings and reasonings and articulate them to her BM as best as she can...with help from said 3rd party.



We did all of this and to this day both of my stepsons appreciate the fact that they chose. We did not "keep her from seeing her kids". Nor did we "force them to see her". They CHOSE not to see their BM. I am not the "evil stepmother" for keeping her away...that is not to say that I am not glad she was out of our lives...but it was not my, or my husband's decision...it was (and still is) 100% theirs.

Jessica - posted on 10/24/2009

Glad to see I'm not alone (I'm the best mother to her ever)

I don't feel so alone in my fight against horrible biological mothers, who try to pretend their not just horrible heartless people. How can someone who just walked in a childs life have so much love and care for them and someone who carried them inside themself for 9 months not. Well, I'll never get it I'm just happy I'm not alone.

Katherine Toth SOME stepmothers DO absolutely qualify...My OPINION is if/when a stepmother can/does PROVIDE for the stepchild as they see fit. Doing so w/o yelping or complaining(completely) and not over-stepping the boundaries. A stepmother should be and IS an imp...ortant part of a child's life, simply because "she" may be the 1 to "take care" of the child when in "her" home MOST of the time??? This would be for simple reasons like....dad having to be "pulled" away from home a bit longer length of time than stepmom. ALL mothers, regardless of step or bio have a tendency to be MORE of the...."nurturing", obtaining more of a routine & structured environment, worry a bit more about nutritional meals, brushing teeth etc. etc.(dad is typically more of the "playmate", the "buddy", the "big kid"...I THINK).There are wonderful stepmothers and IF the badgering of bio mothers would stop(regardless), it would be easier to notice just how GOOD the stepmothers ARE! :)

Amen, I found my self in a situation where it is actually the biological mother who is neglecting her child. Lots of proof to this neglect. The only reason she does, when she ever rarely does, do things with and for her little one is because she is filled with so much hate for her bio father and stepmother that she does things with and for the ... Read Morechild out of that hate to rub in their face (which is really childish and doesnt work at all) vs. doing things with and for the child out of love for that child. I wish someone would just put hidden cameras in ours and her house just to prove this to courts. I am in a fight against neglect and abuse. Stepmothers like me deserve support and recognition because so many of us see these children as our own and treat them that way too.

Chandra Smith Quote from this groups Basic Info "To be fair some step moms qualify. Those are the women who have loved and cared for children of another woman on a daily basis..... (forget the good times, weekend stuff ... thats the easy bit which doesnt rate....) Only these serious, well intentioned women, have earned the right to include "Mom" in their title. ANDWE SALUTE YOU!"*There is no Vs between Bio and Step when the Bio doesnt raise the children at all. It takes a Bigger Person to step in and raise a child that the mom failed at. I've raised my step daughter for 3yrs and 8 mos and counting. My step daughter's mom has put her husband and wild lifestyle before all three of her children. All 3 kids are raised by someone else! Talk about Dead Beat. But I'v raised this little girl since she was 3 as if she was my own and love her as my own which her mother couldn't do. I plan on always being there for her. Parent's should always listen, TRUST, and protect their children.

smartypants haha:anyone can give birth, crackheads and whores are doing it everyday (but I guess you respect those mothers who smoked crack while pregnant just because the baby was actually in their belly and no one elses, which makes it bette...r let me tell ya) Just because she can't keep her legs closed (even cheating on her boyfriend while 4 months pregnant with their baby, yuck) makes her a mother. I don't think so . A mother cares about her child, shows her love, kisses her booboos, teaches her all new things, shows her things to suceed in life, treats her with love, cares about her nutrients, cares about her sucess in talking, walking and all things (yah, big girl/boy you used the potty all by yourself). A real mother loves her baby no matter what. Doesn't just buy her nice things to make others jealous (funny thing is those things are bought with step and fathers money LOL). Anybody can give birth, it takes a special person to be a real mother!!!

Donna - posted on 10/24/2009

This post makes me realize that there are some really great women who have made wonderful step mothers to children that would otherwise have no mother at all. I say congrats, to all of you!! I wish I had had a support system like this when I was young and dealing with being a step mother.

Tonya - posted on 10/23/2009

Hey Bridget, Your story sounds alot like mine. Of course the first time the drug addict bio mom left my daughter at home alone when she went to smoke crack down the street was when my daughter was 3. We struggled with her for years. It was a strain on everyone and our marriage. Hayli, my daughter, never called me mom back then. I heard stories of her referring to me as her other mom in front of bio mom and her slapping her in the face. She never wanted to take care of her until a birthday or Christmas. I don't know how many years I would plan Hayli's bday parties on days other than her bday bc bio mom wanted her and then Hayli would sit for hours waiting for her to never show up, crying and asking why she didn't love her. It broke my heart. But even more it pissed me off that I had to say something to make Hayli feel better instead of what I really thought. Bio mom went a year without seeing her after we got emergency custody when she took her to a babysitter and 3 days later someone decided to call us and tell us she never came back. Hayli talked to her on the phone some and of course bio mom promised all things would be different and she wouldn't do drugs in front of her, or have sex in front of her...promises promises....so Hayli decided she wanted to see her. We let her even though it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. She was 5 at this time. She came home and said, "She is a liar, she hadn't seen me in a long time and she didn't even wait an hour before she got high in front of me. I never want to see her again." And from that night on she called me mom. We didn't discuss it...she just did it on her own and never stopped. Eventually Hayli told me she wanted me to be her real mom and I adopted her. And to this day she wants nothing to do with the bio mom....she hears about her sometimes bc she has a half sister by the bio mom....but no interest in having a relationship with her at all. I just make sure she knows she can talk about her and her feelings and let her know I love her no matter what. Thats all we can do. They deserve it from someone even if its not who gave birth to them. I tease her that she is extra special bc I got to pick her out...lol. So I sympathize so much with you. I hope things get easier for you and your step daughter. Best wishes to you all.

Bridget - posted on 10/23/2009

Thank You all for your kind words and encouragement. I do feel that sd loves me and looks up to me as a good mom. It feels good to hear it from neutral parties that I'm doing the right thing. Thanks again.

Donna - posted on 10/23/2009

Hi Bridget,

I read your story and it brought back all kinds of memories for me. When I met my husband 27 years ago, he had two small daughters age 4 and 1. The girls have different bio-mothers. ( we had a son together, so yes, 3 kids with 3 different women) By the time we married 2 years later, my husband had full custody of his younger daughter, and I was a stay at home mom raising her. Never in my wildest dreams did I think or want to be the primary caregiver of my husbands children, but when a child is being neglected it is the motherly instincs that rise up and take over. Bottom line, I loved this little girl, and I loved my husband. She never called me mom, she always called me by my first name. Her bio-mom was never dependable, even though I encouraged the relationship, and was in and out of jail, prison, etc and from the age of 6 to 13 did not have any communication with her at all. My s-daughter had her on a pedastal which caused a lot of friction throughout her teen years. She is now 28, married and the mother of 2, she has a phone relationship with her bio-mom, but she has finally realized that I was her mother thorughout her life. We are very close now. Also, her bio-mom has acknowledged everything I did for her daughter and thanked me many times.

The older daughter is now 31 and we are estranged from her. It is partially due to the fact that her bio-mother used her as a pawn, underminded everything and anything that I did in my own home reguarding her daughter(nothing any different from how I raised my other daughter and son), even after she came to live with us at the age of 14. She never looked at me as a co-parent, more as a meddling babysitter. Bio-mom moved her daughter around so much she went to 13 different schools by the time she was in 8th grade. Because of all the crap and the fact that even as an adult the bio-mother still meddles in our business and relationship, we don't have a relationship anymore. There is so much more to the story, but that is the just of it.



My advice to you is this: never lie to your s-daughter. Honesty,age appropreate is the best policy because in the end she will grow up and ask questions. You are her mother in all ways that matter and she will grow up and realize this fact. The bio-mom doesn't want the responsiblity, but she doesn't want to see you get all the glory. I hear your pain in your words and I completely understand what you are going through. It is tough being a step mother who has the majority of the responsiblity of the child. I hope your husband helps out, but if he is anything like my husband, they have a tendency to not want to deal with crap they can't fix. Just love your s-daughter and do what is important, love her and provide her with a stable, happy home. She will grow up and appreciate you, but it may take a long time.

Hang in there, and good luck. You are doing a good job even if the rewards don't look so clear right now.

Becca - posted on 10/23/2009

A child usually knows what they feel, just make sure that your step daughter knows that you accept that she may want to see or talk to her mom again some time in the future, and that you love her no matter what. You never know how she is going to feel in 5 more years, and you do not want her to be afraid to be honest with you due to fear of dissapointment.

Jerenda - posted on 10/22/2009

I think if you have sole custoday and the child doesn't want to see her mom than don't have her. It is better for her to be surrounded by the good example of you and your husband rather than her druggy natural mother. I would do whatever I could at all costs to prevent my child (step or otherwise) from being around people who do drugs. If your step daughter is happy with her arrangements right now and has no desire to interact with her bio mom don't make her. How can Thea hate you when you said that it is she that doesn't want to see her bio mom. If in the future she wants to see her bio mom again have supervised visitation. But, I would wait until Thea wants to see her bio-mom again before doing anything like that. Let it be her decision. Right now it sounds like she doesn't want to....I would 100% support her in that decision. Much better for her in the long run anyway if the mom is a crack-head.