*Okay, I must come clean.

Kristy - posted on 07/05/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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*Okay, I must come clean. I have been accused of presenting myself under false pre-tenses. I am not an "official" step-mom. As I am not "officially" married to my partner. We have been together for 5 years, lived together for most of that.

-Because of school, money and insurance issues we live as a non-traditional family unit.

"Co-habiting residential partners"

-I cannot spell, have many varied limitations, and no biological children of my own (unless you count Rascal)

*I do have experience, training, education and knowledge to contribute. I have a teaching certificate, certificates in early childhood education, 5 plus years working in daycares, preschool, private pre-k & kindergarten, day-camps, and as a nanny. I also just graduated with my Bachelors’ degree in Social Work.

-I do love my partner and his son. I care for and make sacrifices for this amazing and sometimes challenging young man.

*I think I could contribute and grow from the dynamic exchanges offered here, either as an “almost step-mom” or a “step-monster” or on a contributor, semi-professional and networking status.

-If anyone thinks I should remove myself from this forum please let me know. Questions, comments, whatever.

Thanks,

Kristy



Sorry if anyone feels deceived.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ellen - posted on 08/18/2009

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Not sure if this will help or confuse you but here is my comment. Is my step dad, my step dad since my mom died???? Yes.... In any way that counts my step dad was more my dad than my biological dad when i was growing up.... The child makes the choice, not the parents...

Kortney - posted on 07/07/2009

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Don't pay any attention to what bio mom says! As long as the child knows how much you love them! The last time I talked to my step-sons bio mom she told me that she and his father laid down to have him not me even though she hadn't seen him for over 4 years. Sounds like she is mad that Jeff has moved on and that you guys are a happy family. Hang in there! Hope it gets better for you!

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2009

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I would change my password then talk to your lover and see if he is willing to handle this or would it be best for you to confront her and tell her thier are things called privacy and identity theft

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2009

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you have nothing to come clean about, you have some responisibility to your step son whos care if your marriede or not that does not change that you still love your sterp son

i guess if does i shouldnt be on this either im not married to my fiance

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2009

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You ARE a step-mom. It's your love for your partner and his child that counts, NOT a piece of paper...

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41 Comments

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Lisa - posted on 08/19/2009

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I think BM need's to be thankful she has a loving mommy figure in her child's life. I am in the same situation you are, I have 2 step children, not traditional(yet) but have been with their Dad for 13 years! If you live with their father and help raise these kid's, and are involved in their lives, then you are most definetly a step-mom (married or not)! Welcome to circle of mom's!! :o)

Kimberley - posted on 08/17/2009

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Quoting Kristy:

Thanks so very much. I really neede the afrimation. It is his Mom and Grandma who are really upset that I am on here at all. So I thought I should put it all out there.

Thanks


Whatever,,,they need to stop worrying about petty things and concentrate on what's best for the child.  If there's a loving Mother figure around that's proof enough.  I hate titles anyway! :-)

Amber-lee - posted on 08/17/2009

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i am only 17 years old but i am engaged to my partner we live together and we have our daughter on weekends and her biomum has her on weekdays. YOU ARE A STEP-MUM if you raise, feed, bathe, dress, buy clothes etc you classify as a step-mum i raise my SD the way i would raise my own chld there-fore she is my sd and i am a stepmum you have nothing to come clean about you've done nothing wrong.

Susan - posted on 08/14/2009

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I agree .. you are a Mom! My husband and I didn't marry until his daughter was 3yr. When I became a part of their lives (before the M word) my SD called me mommy! I loved it, but the BM hated it and it caused a big problem between us. My SD calls me Suzi now - which is fine too.



Just contiune to shower with love and affection. Rather married or not .. your a mom due to the care you give!! Your more than a "caregiver!"



And I agree with the "this is a STEP parent community" BIO's not welcome :)

Danielle - posted on 08/14/2009

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Hey, I too am in a similar situation! I have no biological children of my own, YET, but I've lived w/my man & his babies since Nov of '08 & we've been together for over a year. (We've known each other since high school). He's still going thru his divorce/custody (which I have a feeling will be nasty long drawn out divorce. That's a whole other story!) So we can't marry yet, but we know it's definitely happening, we've talked about it since 2-3 months into our relationship & we've already made the commitment in our hearts to each other for the rest of our lives. But w/all of that being said, marriage isn't what defines what being a mother is, it defines what being a wife is. You love & care for his son & make sacrifices that any caring loving mom would do for a child. You are very much a step mommy! Any woman that's able to carry and give birth to a child can do so, but not every woman can raise & love a child, & that's what defines motherhood!

Karen - posted on 08/14/2009

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You are definitely a stepmum!! I have a strange situation where I have a legal and biological ss but also have a ss who is technically nothing to do with me! My dh got together with his BM when he was 3 months old (they didn't get married) but he raised the child as his own until they split when ss was 5 years old. When I got together with my dh I understood that ss would always be part of our family whatever! It wasn't until this ss was 8 that he discovered my dh was not his biological father but it has never changed the relationship between us all.

My actual biological ss is 2 yrs older and to be honest we hardly see him. I still consider myself sm to both these boys and when people ask me if I have children I always say "2 of my own and 2 ss".

It's not the actual biology of it that makes you a step parent, it's the love and care you put it that counts. NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!!!

[deleted account]

If u have been helping raise, feed, encourage, teach, & love this child...you darn well qualify as a step mom to me!

Alet - posted on 08/08/2009

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I think you more than qualify to be called stepmom whether you are married or not.

Amanda - posted on 08/07/2009

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You may not have physically carried the child in your womb, but you are still an important person in his/her life. I am a "future step-mom," who refers to herself as a step mom. My fiance calls me a step mom, and I know I have the motherly instincts, and what it takes to show his children what a "mom" can be.. I understand they have a mother, whom we refer to as the "birth parent," but I also know that being the female in the house, my role when they are with us, is to do the "motherly things." There is nothing wrong with that. The biological mother, and her mother, can say/think/and do whatever they want.. The thing you have to remember, is that she won't always have that mind control over the child/ren. One day, all your efforts as the "step mom" will show true.. Stay strong, it's a long hard journey, but one day, they will understand how hard you have worked to be a strong mom.

[deleted account]

STAY, STAY, STAY!!! I too am in the same situation engaged but not married to sk father but I and he and they all consider us a family. You obviously love and cherish your family even if it is not considered the "norm". Bio mum should think herself B****Y lucky that you care so much about her child, I unfotunately have the opposite problem with my daughter who has the stepmum from H**l!
I wish you the best of luck and hope this all settles for you soon, You deserve to be here and don't let anyone (even bio mum) make you think otherwise!

Christina - posted on 07/23/2009

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I am in the same situation. I am living with my fiance (haven't set a date to get married) and his two wonderful boys. I consider myself a step mommy even though we aren't married. I even quite my job to stay home with the boys so they wouldn't have to be in daycare. As long as you love and care for your spouses child, then you are definitly a step mom!

Christina - posted on 07/21/2009

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A step mom is just a label. We generally (at least those of us in this group) do more of the mommy duties in the first year of meeting the child(ren) than the Bio-Mom has her entire mother hood. We are their mothers, even if we didn't physically give birth to them. You should stay in the group. The only thing different between me and you is that I have a marriage license. That doesn't mean anything in this room. (ps. don't tell my husband I said that...;) )

Stephanie - posted on 07/19/2009

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I am going through the same thing. I am not married to my fiance but I still refer to myself as his two boys stepmom. And of course the BM dont like that but I really dont care what she thinks about me or my relationship with my fiance. At the beginning I got the same stuff. They're not your kids. You have no rights to those kids. BLAH BLAH BLAH. The kids live with me and my fiance so therefor I am the one who takes care of them. I feed them, I wash there clothes, I'm the one whose there when they fall down and scrape they're knee or someones teasing them. I know that she is they're "mom" but I am they're stepmom and whether BM's all around the world dont like that, oh well, it still counts. Me and my fiance have been together for almost a year and she is finally moved on to have her own life so now she can stop worrying about ours. We still have our disagreements or whatever but I think that she finally realized that he is happy, this relationship isnt gonna end anytime soon, and that her kids have someone who loves them as if they were my own and who takes care of them where she can't.
Do you take care of his son? Do you love his son as if he were your own child? Are you there for him when he needs someone to love and protect him? If you answered yes than YOU ARE A STEPMOM. Don't worry about what the BM has to say. She just jealous, angry or bitter that there's someone else that her son cares for. You continue to do you and care for YOUR family.
Good Luck

Frankie - posted on 07/17/2009

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don't worry about what she thinks. all that matters is that you love and care for that boy. you are a step-mom. and i have 2 bio kids and 2 step kids

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2009

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Stay, i'm kind of like you except I don't live with my boyfriend and we have not been together for that long. His children think of me as their mom and it's fine with me. I'm glad to see others on here are in similar situations.

Cher - posted on 07/09/2009

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stay !! simple. You clearly love that lil boy, and just because u r not a conventional "family" doesnt mean u dont have opinions or ideas that would benefit all of us on here.
These days families are not the 2.4 children + 2 married parents, the dynamics of families has change alot & so should the "step-mom" issues :)
I have 2 step sons I love dearly and would try and do anything for them, as I would my own 6 children.
just my 2 penny worth :)

Ruth - posted on 07/09/2009

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Not for nothing you are a MOM! You take care of someones child just as that child is yours you are considered as a MOM!!

Di - posted on 07/07/2009

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Hi Kristy, I have not bothered to read the other responses yet, but will probably do so after I have posted this. My response to you is this. If you live in a situation where you are living with a man who has children to another woman, then you are a step mother. (Wether you have legal rights, etc etc, you are a step mother.) Sorry last I looked at it, you don't have to be a bio mother to have step children. Also I don't give a fig what qualifications you have, its the experience that counts above all. Do you have an intimate relationship with a man (you live with don't you) who has a child (sounds like to me), then you are a step mother. WHO GIVES A FIG WHAT OTHERS THINK???. You are a step-mother.



In Australia, I am married to my husband, but I have no legal rights to my stepdaughters either. But here's what I find ludicrous, neither does my husband (the biodad). Let others think what they want, you know if you are the significant other woman in a childs life. Sounds to me like you have been whacked by someone who doesn't know diddly squat. Just because you aren't married doesn't mean you aren't in the role. Tell 'em all f..off. Please don't remove yourself from this forum.

Jaime - posted on 07/06/2009

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I have also been told I should not call myself a SM as I am not an active SM (no biweekly visits or vacations). I joined this group in hopes of reading up on some advice from other women's experiences, but I have ran into the BM many times turning things nasty. But all in all I met alot of great women, we send pm's back and forth to avoid conflict. I am hear to chat if you want!

Having an alternate profile sounds great, may have to consider that option!

[deleted account]

Considering it's not called "Circle of Mothers whom have both united egg and sperm and birthed a child," I think you're safe. One of my favorite sayings (only to hubby of course) is that she's not ok with me being his mom, but ok with me spending money. Or clipping fingernails, taking him to the orthodontist, picking up meds, teaching him to tie his shoes, teaching him to comb his hair....shall I go on? I'm sure you understand. THEREFORE...your presence is welcome by this mother AND step-mother!

Sonya - posted on 07/06/2009

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We are all here for one another so you do not have to explain yourself you are a mother and as a mother we welcome you in open arms :) There is nothing wrong with that and what does it matter to them this is your business everyone needs to vent once in a while and when someone is not there for them we count on each other on here to come together this website is not a bashing group its a support group too many people assume the worse like we are talking about everybody and everyone on here we are merely trying to reach out to other in the same boat is that a crime :0P This women is paranoid that your going to take her son away and is threatend OMG sometimes this is the hardest thing for the BM to get over you are in her sons life but she is going to have to accept it sooner or later :0P Good Luck Girlee and hang in there

[deleted account]

Well I'm guilty too-I refer to myself as step mum-although not married to SDs dad.I also refer to my ex hubbys partner as my daughters step mum-I too have been denigrated (as has my wonderful partner) for being poorly educated where the BM had a private school education-needless to say he and I are in very well paid jobs, provide a loving home of our own- for all 3 of our children-which unfortunately for the BM cannot be said as being strictly true-gosh!! if we all had to have diplomas to be a good parent etc there would be very few taking that on LOL. I'm glad I didn't have a private school education (well where she went anyway)if all I learnt was how to be a foul mouthed hypocritical, bitter sad person. As i noted in my post titled My letter to the Bio mum of my 2 bonus daughters- being a mother and a parent is more about how you behave than just having given birth to a child.

From Wiki too:-


Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. For example, if one's mother/father dies and one's father/mother marries another woman/man, the new woman is one's stepmother and vice versa. The counseling slogan "Stepfamilies are born out of loss" applies to such a case.
In modern stepfamilies, there is recognition that the biological parents may never have married. Unless one biological parent of a stepchild is deceased, typical nuclear stepfamilies do not live in one house, consisting of three or more parents, biological and otherwise. It is also possible, in a less strict sense, that the new mate chooses the role of full- or part-time caregiver without marital commitment. However, it is generally understood that after a child reaches adulthood, a parent's subsequent marriage does not create a stepparent relationship unless the various parties choose to regard it as such.

Laura - posted on 07/06/2009

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Well Kristy, I told you you were in the right. Now quit worryin girl! You're among friends!

Ebonie - posted on 07/05/2009

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Girl, you are not being deceitful, even without all the educational qualifications.... you are spending time together as a family. Dont forget about COMMON LAW MARRIAGE. I dont know what states your in but that counts.

Betty - posted on 07/05/2009

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It sounds like the BM knows what buttons to push with you. After a while of enjoying this circle of moms group I decided to make a seperate account under a made up name so you are definatly not the only person who lies... I lie about what my name is so that I can post whatever I want without my SD's BM being able to read everything I post. It makes me free to say what I want.

If you want to be recognised for being a step mom than you should look at all the pros and cons of getting married and make an educated choice. Do what you feel is right for your family. It's fine to stay as you are if that is how you can benifit the best.

I got married soon as I knew it was real love because my husband agreed to not let girlfriends hang around his daughter and we all needed to bond. We have been married for almost a year and every day I am reminded that it was a very good choice for us.

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2009

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Okay i see ya shes peranod that your starting to take a place in your sons heart, its hard to give advice when it comes to the biological mothers my fiance ex really does not care for me and i for her but were starting to be more understanding of one another

since steve and i have been together for 3 yrs now

Maybe let her know that you know your not her sons biological mother and in no way are you trying to take her place but you are interested in doing your part and 5 yrs your not a rebound and it would be best for her and Jeff's son if you do have a healthy relationship with him. you know your not his friend you are an adult and you have no interest in keeping secrets from her or Jeffs father like a friend would. Your interest are to help love, raise and protect also mention that if her sons does come to you with a serious problem youll give the best advice you can and that you will go to both parents with whats going on.

Your not lieing for being on this, this is a forum to look for both advice and friends id figure its better your coming to this then if you were not no mother or father is perfect we can only learn from a mistake when it is already made i think its great you love your step son and its sad the mother cant relieze that its better you love her son then think of him as a burden

i hope things work out between all family members involved.

Kristy - posted on 07/05/2009

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We tried to alk to them. Made for a long and strees full weekend and a very emotional boy. Following is a cut n paste of part of Mom's response:



*i wanted to help him set one up

you want to teach him to lie and sneak my mom is not parinoid because she doesn't like the way u act about my son

YOU are not his step mom he is simply your boyfriend's son... i am not dead he has one mom...and circle of moms is for moms...when did u become one??????? I dont like the fact that u post things about mine and Jeff"s son. he is not ur friend, he is not ur son he is a child...u just happen to be his dad's girl friend

you sure didnt have him send me or my mom a friend request only ur family why? U NEED TO HAVE BOUNDRIES WHERE MY SON IS CONCERNED...i am glad u would have talked to his dad..I AM STILL HIS MOM

Kristy - posted on 07/05/2009

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We have, it made for a long and stressful weekend with a crying n stressed 13 year old

~this is part of mom's respones and resoning~

i wanted to help him set one up

you want to teach him to lie and sneak my mom is not parinoid because she doesn't like the way u act about my son

YOU are not his step mom he is simply your boyfriend's son... i am not dead he has one mom...and circle of moms is for moms...when did u become one??????? I dont like the fact that u post things about mine and Jeff"s son. he is not ur friend, he is not ur son he is a child...u just happen to be his dad's girl friend

you sure didnt have him send me or my mom a friend request only ur family why? U NEED TO HAVE BOUNDRIES WHERE MY SON IS CONCERNED...i am glad u would have talked to his dad..I AM STILL HIS MOM

Kristy - posted on 07/05/2009

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they aperantly keep track of alot of my activites. This weekend, Grandma log on as the boy to get access to my profile, and sent messages to fam n friends as "him". even joined circle of moms under his facebook page.

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2009

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And as far as his mom and grandma, they should not be anywhere near the "step-mom community", so it's really none of their business. If anything, they should be thankful that you would be willing to try something to help the situaution, or just make things in the childs life easier.

Kristy - posted on 07/05/2009

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Thanks so very much. I really neede the afrimation. It is his Mom and Grandma who are really upset that I am on here at all. So I thought I should put it all out there.

Thanks

Melissa - posted on 07/05/2009

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your situation sounds very similar to mine and let me say.. YES YOU ARE A MOM!! if you take care of a child on a daily basis and that child thinks of you as part of his/her family, then you are. i am a teacher and live with my partner and his son as well. his son's mother is not in the picture. whoever accused you of presenting yoursef as someone you are not is wrong. i introduce isaac as my son all the time. he is 8 and he will tell you that i am his mom. dont let people step on your goodness! you are doing an awesome thing in the life of a child.

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