Overcoming she is the BM

Megan - posted on 05/20/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Im getting closer to seeing that the BM just wont go away after all she is the BM of my 3 SK's ( i have 2 bio children living with me too) so i have 5 altogether. Its hard work , with studying, online testing, and birthdays, school visits, doctors, im a pretty busy woman . I dont even have time to nap!

I wonder when BM will realize Im in importance too to the SK's and their lives the better off we all can be!
What is the biggest thing that bothers you when it comes to the BM? Appearance? Habits? Just her being there? What is it that just irriates us?

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Beth - posted on 06/24/2011

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I'm not sure I could pick out just 1 major irritation - there are several. 1. She's two-faced. She will talk and act one way to me, then turn around and talk nothing but s*%t about me to anyone who will listen, including her kids. 2, She is constantly flaking out on paying my husband what she owes him for support until we got an actual child support order and had it garnishd from her check. Now, she is taking him back to modify it only 4 months later because her job whent from full time to part time hours and she doesn't have a job over the summer (which is her choice). 3. Not doing anything to help her special needs child in school except the bare minimum to get by when he's actually in school. Over the summer, she does nothing with him to get him ready for the following year or help him catch up. Bottom line is, she is not a real mother and I feel like I'm just a doormat a lot of times and it sucks.

Caitlin - posted on 06/01/2011

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I have one step kid and one bio, my sk's mom is incarcerated (has been for four years and is not getting out any time soon) insists on telling my 5 year old sk that she will 'be out soon' and they will 'be together all the time'. It drives me crazy that she lies to him! He is five so he takes it literally and thinks she will actually be out of prison soon. I have even tried to talk to her about it and telling her that soon he will be old enough to realize it's not the truth and he won't trust her, but she just keeps saying that he knows she doesn't mean right now but later on. She abandoned him to do drugs and commit grand larceny at 14 months, and she thinks she knows how he thinks! So frustrating!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 05/31/2011

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Honestly the problems that I have with the BM is that she treates her 13 year old like a best friend instead of her daughter which makes my SD think it is okay to give attitude to us since she gets away with it with her Mom. It makes it very hard to raise a respectful child when at one house she doesn't have to be respectful. I wish the BM would realize that SD had plenty of friends that are her age and needs her parents.
She also thinks that she should have more rights then my husband when it comes to their daughter. She doesn't like it when we treat her exactly like she treats us because she thinks she should get what she wants all the time. SD is now living with us full time instead of her and now that the roles are reversed; she wants more visitation rights then she would give my husband. Funny how that changes when the shoe is on the other foot. She also is very bad with communication and is always sending messages through SD. I used to email and call and leave messages constantly in order to communicate with her but now I will just send one email and if she doesn't respond, like for spring school pictures then I leave it at that. I am usually the one dealling with her because my husband does travel a lot with his job and when he is traveling he is usually working 12 hours a day. Lucky me but it is what we do as SM and Moms to take care of our kids.

Kyleigh - posted on 05/22/2011

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The BM here is just that she lives cluttered! Dirty! Just loves to have the "control," over my SK's She is a dirty evil snake!

Jenni - posted on 05/21/2011

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You homeschool too? Big kudos!

I think the problem is; if you are preceivably doing a better job with her children than she was... providing them with more opportunity, being more involved etc. There will always be a bit of resentment on her part. You and your husband are costodials, correct?

I know If my children were living most of their lives without me and under someone else's care... I'd probably be pretty bitter and resentful. I think it's understandable as a mother. Now acting on those feelings, is a different story.

I can say how I *think* i'd feel if I were in that situation but I think it's 10x harder than I could ever imagine. Not saying it's an excuse for bad behaviour on the BM's part. I can just emphathise.



My situation is different from yours in that BM is the costodial parent. My husband and her came to that agreement voluntarily. She allows us to take SD pretty much whenever we like. She thinks it's good for SD to spend as much time with her other family (brother, sister and dad) as possible. I'm sure she doesn't mind her 'me time' either. *eye roll*

So because they managed to come to compromise, there's little conflict.

She's never really had conflict with me. We did exchange a few nasty words in the first couple months of meeting. But that was because she started hitting on my SO (to try to win him back?) and at one point me. So we basically nipped that in the bud. She was also trying to get me to "become friends* and go out partying together. I felt bad because she didn't have a lot of friends in our city... but I wasn't sure of her motives at the time and I could see that causing rifts if we got too close. So I kindly declined but told her I would enjoy talking to her via email or phone and if she ever needed anything, to ask. So we basically were able to work out our differences in the beginning.

She hates my SO more than me. ;) Well, that's not fair... I don't think she really hates any of us.



She's just a bit bitter about him not staying with her for their child. She was only 17 when they first started dating... had their child at 19. She became pregnant a few months after he kicked her out his appartment. She had cheated on him multiple times with random guys she met off the inet as well as a close friend of his at a party. He still tried to work things out with her. The last straw was when she attempted to hit him over the head with a beer bottle. So they broke up and he kicked her out... but they continued to see each other, this was when she became pregnant. We met when she was around 5 months pregnant. Surprisingly, she's never verbally expressed that she blames me for them not getting back together. Just him... or more him than me? But she was under the impression for awhile that once she had the baby they would get back together. Even though he was telling her the whole time, it wasn't going to happen and they faught too much. It wouldn't be good for my SD.



Anyways, there's a little background.



As far as things about her that bug me.... she's never really done anything to me. But she isn't the type of person regardless of our situation that I'd become friends with. She's not all that bright for one. ;) She thought you could drive to England from Canada. :S She is incredibly selfish (I can kind of understand, she's still really young). She's miserable all the time. I like to surround myself with 'happy' people. She thinks she deserves special treatment because she's female. A huge pet peeve of mine. She's pretty helpless and lazy. Has never had a job. Thinks she's absolutely amazing for going back and getting her GED. She's trashy... shhhh don't tell her I said that! She's incredibly superfiscial and lacks personality.

Ok ok.... so I admit... she does bug me. ;) But that type of person bugs me anyways... wouldn't matter if she was the BM of my SD or a friend of a friend. I just don't like helpless females who blame all their problems on circumstance and other people.

She still likes to bring up constantly that it's my hubby's fault for getting her pregnant and leaving her. HELLO! You faught with him constantly, cheated on him multiple times and tried to smash him in the head with a beer bottle...

and.... ummm... BC... is a two way street. I don't buy that he coersed you into sex with his wildly man charms and you were just a victim. (I hate women who play the victim card as well.)

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