PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome)

Erin - posted on 12/06/2009 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I feel very bad for my husband. Every trip we go up to see his daughter is an emotional roller coaster. She is thrilled to see us, has a blast the first two days we are there, then on the last day that we are there she withdraws, acts distant and almost rude to her father. Shows no interest in doing anything with us just wants to go home to her mother. She won't hug him goodbye or show him any affection in front of her mother. Her mother openly disrespects him and 'hates' him in front of her. She has gotten more and more distant to him as time goes on, and he has been visiting her monthly for two years now. He has never abused her (or even given her a tap on the bottom in her life), yelled at her or made her feel bad when disciplining her so there isn't justification for the distant behavior, especially when it only comes when the mother is involved. We live seven hours away, and he only gets one weekend a month with her. He has put in for a visitation change for summers, part of the winter and half holidays and we are hoping that allows her and her father to develop a better relationship. The problem is, Bio mom stooped answering the phones for their weekly calls, she won't call him back when they are available and is basically preventing him and his daughter from having a healthy relationship. He is rally hurting right now becasue he went by himself this month, and after a great weekend, she blew him off all day today, insisted on going back to her mother and basically said bye and slammed the door in his face when he dropped her off. I don't know what to do anymore. PAS is so bad and ruins so many children relationships with the targeted parents. Im really hoping the mother stops this behavior, or the longer visits help.
If you want to know more about it here's a web cite http://www.paskids.com/

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Jamie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Unfortunately, I can say that I feel your pain, Erin. My sk's BM has been moving the children from HI to AZ and then back again to keep them away from their dad. I could tell you horror story after horror story of the things she's done to him and said to him that would blow your mind. The person/people who suffers the most are the kid(s), though. All children should have an opportunity to build healthy relationships with both of their parents without any interference from each other. After reading about PAS on the link you posted, I'm positive that my SK's BM is an active alienator and progressing towards obsessed. It really is hard to deal with and overcome on a daily basis. Luckily for us, we have our children more often than you do, so hopefully we'll be able to show them that we are not as bad as their BM makes us out to be. My advice is to continue to love and adore your husband and his daughter , and do your best to be there for him when he needs you. And...for your own sanity, continue to vent to us. Hang in there!

[deleted account]

I so understand what you're going through, Erin! I hope your situation gets better! Maybe you can call your attorney tomorrow and see what's going on in your case. Keep fighting for your little girl! She deserves it.

Erin - posted on 12/27/2009

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Thats why we are trying to set up a custody situation that allows us to have breaks, half holidays and summers so she can be with us as much as possible. Its hard to take a kid from their life parent. I don't think Id want to. I just want everyone to get along and mus husband to be able to have a good relationship with his daughter. *sigh*

Debbie - posted on 12/27/2009

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I have two SD and this happened to us. My sd's are 18 and 21. The 21 yr old will not speak to us at all. the 18 yr old came around and can see how manipulative her mother is. She tries to tell the 21yr old that she is wrong, but her mind is made up. It has got so bad that I dont want her back! she is too much like her mother and I dont trust her.


As for 'never say a bad thing about ther mother' this isnt the problem, nor is it the solution. It is the mother saying the things to the kids about the father, it doesnt matter what you do or how nice and caring and loving you are the mother will win. You need to get the kid OUT of there!!!! We had many chances and we didnt do it b/c we didnt want to hurt the kids or the mother.........but in the end it didnt pay well for us.

Erin - posted on 12/27/2009

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Well he talked to his daughter,apparently the conversation went well. He was very short and brief about the conversation...he just called and told me he spoke to her and it went well. Sometimes I just feel sick.....

Erin - posted on 12/26/2009

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Not a thing has happened. We don't even know if a letter was sent. We tried calling the lawyer before the holidays and no one answered. So i don't know what going to happen

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Erin. I hope you guys are able to make it to visit your SD. I'm sure it will mean a lot to her! How is the court proceedings going?

Erin - posted on 12/26/2009

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Still haven't spoken to SD for the holidays...we are supposed to go up next weekend to celebrate xmas with her but we don't know if we will be able to afford to all go up b/c my school check hasn't come yet....but seriously, she still won't pick up or call back? thats just ignorant, disrespectful and hateful...and just unfair to keep us from talking to her on Christmas.

Sheryl - posted on 12/22/2009

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I feel for ya we have not seen or talk to my sks for 10 months now we are having to go to court to hold her in contempt for the no phonecalls or visitations. We also decided to go for full custody since she can not follow the papers and it looks as though we will get it u just have to be patient and ask ur self what are my options and if u don't know contact a lawyer fight for the right to be a part of ur kids lifes!

Juana - posted on 12/20/2009

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i can believe it...we have gone through it at one time but things are better now....does his daughter have a FB acct? Maybe he can get one if he doesnt have it and they can communticate through it.nut all you can do is have proof of him calling and one day he can prove he was calling regardless of what they have been told. BUt I would have a sit down with mom or hey start blocking your number and see if they answer then..good luck and say strong

[deleted account]

Has he tried bringing up phone calls with his daughter when they are together? She's old enough where if he tells her "I'm going to call on Sunday at 6 p.m." she can expect calls from him or he can even reassure her that she can call him whenever she wants. I know when my hubby brought it up with his now 6 year old she didn't even know he had been trying to call.

Erin - posted on 12/20/2009

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Thank you. This is the third month now that has gone by where there is little to no communication on the phone by my DH and his daughter. He calls three days out of the week when hes off and still no pick ups or calls back. He leaves a message but still nothing. He only gets a call back when its his weekend for visitation. This limits his relationship to his daughter to a monthly babysitter...just what bio mom wants. Disgusting. How are they to maintain any sort of relationship when they can't even talk and she isnt encouraged to write or anything!

Juana - posted on 12/16/2009

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He needs to either send mom a certified letter with his concerns since she will not answer the phone if the calls are court ordered maybe send her a copy of that part of the order with a note that you would hate to hold her in contempt...she is she start answering the phone...his ex wife is making the situation worse and showing SD that she is accepting her behavior towards her dad....good luck

Erin - posted on 12/13/2009

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also if your SK is only three you can make a difference in his/her life by not giving up. its easier for older children to process and act upon PAS

Erin - posted on 12/13/2009

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PAS situations needs constant documentation. How the court system identifies PAS is when there is a dramatic change within the child's behavior towards the negative when no justification is involved (ie no abuse). It is in the child's best interest to have a healthy relationship with both parents. that means both parents need to encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent. When this doesn't happen the possibility of PAS occurring is higher. I feel for you. It is hard, especially around the holidays, when you can't have your kids in your life.

Traci - posted on 12/12/2009

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I know all about PAS. My 3 step kids no longer come over because their mom has a new life with her "new husband and kids" and there is no room for us. She has bad mouthed bio dad and I that they disowned us. She wont even keep us informed on sk lives. It breaks my heart...what can ya do when the courts wont acknowledge PAS. Its a he said/she said.

Sheri - posted on 12/11/2009

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So glad there are others out there! My SD lives with us and gets to visit her BM on the weekends (she only lives a half hour away). The couple hours after we get her back, she won't talk to any of us, doesn't even want to play with her sisters. Then she just snaps out of it and has a great time until the morning of the day her BM picks her up from school. She turns into the kid that she is at her BM's house (hitting, screaming, throwing fits, breaking toys, being rude), which we don't allow in our house. Then she spends the entire weekend "telling" on us for being mean to her (we actually have rules in our house) and her mom and gma buy her whatever she wants for 2 days to bribe her into being semi-controllable. And then we have to listen to BM about how bad we treat her because we don't let her get away with everything she wants and don't give her undivided attention (we have 2 other girls at home). No wonder SKs think we're evil...Then she comes back and it starts all over again. I feel bad for the dad's, feeling like their own kids don't even want to be with them. Everyone hang in there!! Worst comes to worst, we only have to deal with it for 18 years, MAX! LOL

Erin - posted on 12/09/2009

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Im really hoping that the vistation change goes through, if not then it will be taken to court and we will prolly get even more time then my husband asked for, which would be awesome. It really sad that the kids have to prepare to go back with thier custodial parents. Like they know they will be persecuted if they care about their dads too much. Better yet, will be rewarded if they treat their dad's poorly. Its very psychologically damaging to them and sets up a pattern of miss trust and anger toward others in personal relationships. Girls, we jsut need to stick together, support our husbands with as much love and help them understand its not their children's fault. Because no matter how much it hurts, its not their fault. It is ultimately the other parents fault for supporting the alienating behavior.

[deleted account]

Sometimes I get sad and upset about the way SD treats me and her dad too, I just have to remember to be patient. I was just thinking of our Thanksgiving parenting time. The whole time SD had an AWESOME time! Hung out, cuddled with me and her dad, never once asked to call her mom, wasn't interested when her mom called her and hubby made her talk, etc. But as we got closer and closer to her drop off time (we had to drive 6 hours with her) she got more withdrawn and it was like she was preparing herself for her mom and her behavior when with her mom. At the exchange site she wouldn't even look at her dad and would barely talk to us. It broke/breaks my heart.. I just have to remember its not her fault.

Betty - posted on 12/08/2009

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Your husband needs to be as present in your SD's life as possible. Eventually she will learn that everyone sees the truth differently and things will get better. When SD is with DH he shouldn't speak of BM at all(even if it's to say something nice) as this may trigger the bad behavior. I hope you get more time with her soon to put her more at ease in her situation.

Nora - posted on 12/08/2009

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That's so weird.. The same thing happens to us with my 4 year old SS every time he visits!! At my house, we get along great and he's affectionate and snuggles me when we watch tv. All of a sudden, the last day or two of his 2-3 week trip, he starts to act withdrawn and wants his mom. The whole time we are driving him home, he is crying and hysterical on the phone with his mom. Then, when he sees her, it's like I don't exist. He didn't even tell me goodbye last time!! It feels like a stab in the back. I was really hurt last time. I told my husband I won't be taking him home anymore because of the way he treats me around his mother. It would be better for our relationship if I didn't have to go through that.

Erin - posted on 12/07/2009

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We never talk poorly about her mom in front of her. When ever she says things like "it was really hard for my mom when I was a baby..." we always say things like "yes your mommy was a great mommy" (even though she would scream at your daddy and show you to him through a car window then drive ff saying that he would never see you again) And you are welcome for the website! :) Thanks for the prayers...we need them ((((HUG)))))

Christina - posted on 12/06/2009

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Oh by the way, thank you for that website. We are definitely going to be looking into this PAS.

Christina - posted on 12/06/2009

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My fiance is almost going through the same thing but he has split custody. When we have the kids they are happy and full of life. As soon as they go back to their mothers house the oldest is completely different. He used to LOVE talking with his daddy everynight but now the mom stopped answering the phone for the past three plus months and he doesnt want to talk. It is very upsetting. He will tell us how his mom says bad things about his daddy but when he talks about it with their mom she says the child doesnt know what he is talking about. It is sad to see this happening. She makes it very clear to us that she hates my fiance by cussing and screaming at him in front of the kids. We just make sure the kids know how much they are loved and never argue in front of the kids. I hope things get better for you!

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry things aren't getting better Erin. Keep being patient with your SD, never talk badly about her mom, teach her the right thing, and keep praying. It's sad that SD's so young but she already knows how to act around her mom. We'll be keeping you guys in our prayers! Don't ever stop fighting for her!

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