phone call!!!!!

Catrina - posted on 05/17/2009

Sorry if I'm repeating anything said......but I'd stick to documentations. Emails. Never meet in person, just because it can turn into a he said she said battle etc. I mean seriously no Judge (a smart respectable one) would question a man or woman why they did not want to meet in person with their ex to discuss their children. Especially when different options are available. Email, telephone....even with the phone calls - it's nuts....

I know my husband has to email his ex, simply because he needs time to process what she responds and how to approach it. He is not a nice person when he is thrown into the spot light about anything with his kids. (BM we deal with is very inconsiderate and would rather have my husband call her names, then request communication be strictly through emails -- so as to stay on point.) We even have a Mediator recommended template to be used for emails.....the Judge liked that one......

Follow your gut.

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2009

The thought has crossed my mind, but I decided that orange jumpsuit they make you wear in prison wouldn't be too flattering.

Sarah - posted on 04/29/2009

Hey Amanda, girl, you deserve a medal for sticking with that situation!! My hat's off to ya. I have just as many crazy bio mom stories as the next gal, but family dinners?? Really?? And the weekend thing? I think I would be writing this from a prison cell somewhere if I had that to deal with!! Good for you for sticken with your man and not killing that crazy bitch! xx :-D

Kimi - posted on 04/28/2009

Ya Jennifer, the funny thing is that it will always be that way for me. My husband dosn't think about details when going to mediation so we will have to just give up Halloween with SD for good unless BM agrees to at least include the step parents.(that way if the two of them get into it the step parents can remove SD, and the other kids, from the situation... they can say some pretty mean things to each other) It's all about power with BM so she will likely insist on it being just the three of them every year. It's my favorite holiday too. Bummers, well when I have my own kids we won't have to share them with her ever.

Last halloween SD cried when DH wasn't going with them and BM called to make DH feel bad about it. But I'm sure it would have been even worse of a night if they did go together with her.

It's hard for us to make solid plans too sometimes. From now on if we have a thing we want to do we will be asking for vacation time before, durring, and after what ever it is we will be doing with her. That way the plans won't get spoiled. We are given a ridiculous ammont of vacation time to use each year anyway so we might as well take advantage of it.



We all diserve a Wicked Stepmonster holiday. It could be like the opposite of mothers day. A day we all celebrate being sutch "awfull" step-moms and have our SK's all tell us how mean we are too them instead of the typical Mothers Day thing. That would be fun. I would actually enjoy that very mutch. It could take place in November(the oposite of mothers day) and the kids could sing to us "happy stepmonster's day your ruining our mom's life go make us some breakfast before we call her crying!!!". We could then reminis with them all the crazy stepmonster like things we have done to them (like the time I axcidently pushed SD off the swings) and have a good laugh together. I'm so totally going to start this for my family.

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2009

Oh my gosh, Kimi, we went through the absurd Halloween requests too! Pretty sure that's when I earned my 'Wicked Step-Monster' title! I think I deserve at least a crown or something!



And yes, I'm one of those evil 'inflexible' BMs too. I don't stray from the arrangements because "just this time" turns into "just" every time.



With several kids, it's tough enough to plan family time, but to have to wait indeterminate amounts of time so we can do things with all the kids - like pick out a Christmas tree or something - it's not practical. That's why the agreements were made in the first place. Our exs are famous for saying "I'll call you when we're on the way". (No, that's not a time!) Then they show up over an hour later. It's not hard, just follow the plan. If the plan is that skewed, make a new one, on paper, to be followed. Kids need structure, too.



Ooops. Sorry for venting so much!

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

When my husband and I started dating his divorce was not final yet. And to make it even worse she was still living in his house. Once it was final he got the house but he had to be the one to move out because she refused to leave and he didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. I thought things would finally be better when he moved out, but I was SO wrong. She expected him and the kids to come over every night and have dinner as a family. She also wanted to make it clear that even though they weren't married anymore that weekends were family time and he would be spending them with her and the kids not me and the kids. He and I talked and ofcourse said all of that was crazy if we ever wanted to be together, but when we told her that she went nuts. She started telling everyone in our hometown that I had stolen her husband (even though we started dating 6 months AFTER he filed for divorce because SHE was cheating.) She told everyone that the whole time they were living together that he was sleeping with her behind my back. She tried everything possible to ruin what we had, but as you can see it didn't work. She still today though she is much more interested in sticking her nose in our marriage than her kids. I will not allow her alone time with my husband because I learned from experience that she cannot be trusted. It never gets better. It never goes away. You just have to stay focused on your marriage and the kids because that makes it worth dealing with her.

Francesca - posted on 04/27/2009

they had mediation before xmas, but to be honest it didnt work. one of the things which was said was that in holidays the kids come to us from 10 till 7 on the friday we have them. so when my husband asked to have the boys for an extra day or too, she kept sayin" do not change agreements made" so she doesn't ever meet half way when wantin a few changes.

Kimi - posted on 04/26/2009

Last Halloween BM wanted DH to go trick or treating with her and SD. She did'nt want me or her new husband to go and that really made me uncomfortable. I told him to just let BM have that holiday. I don't really trust her or know her well enuf to let that happen. They are taking coparenting classes together so anytime they have to talk about something they do it there now. It's been very helpfull. Now all they do is text each other to arrange pickups and dropoffs. So far I have'nt involved myself in any of it. I can't explain it but she makes me so uncomfortable. One time someone was at my door and I thought it was her and I was literally shaking afterward. I'm thinking of getting some type of persciption to have on hand for that type of thing in the future.

Sounds like a meeting is a good idea but it should not be done privately. They should arrange to meet with a counsler to talk about this stuff. It'll be well worth it to have a third party involved to guide the conversation along.

Natasha - posted on 04/26/2009

Yeah, I agree, Francesca, this site does help. I don't go one day without checking it and reading the posts..... It's amazing how there are so many women out there in our shoes. Hang in there, girls, things will eventually get better :)

Francesca - posted on 04/26/2009

i tell ya what, this site has helped me loads. you girls give good advise!!!

And yes Natasha our situations are the same. evil evil ex!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry just had to let that out

Natasha - posted on 04/25/2009

Wow, Francesca, we sure are in the same boat, there are so many similarities in our situations it's crazy. The funniest thing is that my hubby's ex's husband is just as rude. He is the one to pick up and hand of the SD (BM refuses to face my hubby in person) and what sickening me the most is that he acts like he is THE bio dad. There was a situation when he showed up at our house one hour early to pick up SD, and I told him to come back in an hour 'cause he was early. Well, he began to argue with me syaing "BM check its 6 pm. So are you kicking me out?" I politely told him that BM must've checked the wrong schedule, and that holiday visiations are from 9 am to 7 pm, not 6 pm. He stormed out from our drive way, and the next day HE requested for my hubby not to come to their door anymore when picking up SD...???!!! :( Ha, BM screwd up by forgeting to check the correct schedule and than decided to take it out on my hubby. Typical witch!!!

BM and her husband make SD call BM's husband "dad". We call him Smeagles (Lord of the Rings, sorry if misspeled), sorry but the dude is not only ugly on the inside but also on the outside, but that is beyond the piont. The point, Francesca, is that you are right. It is the unknown and the fear of what the psychotic woman might come up with. Her mind games are absolutely insane, and the most horrible thing about it is that she can play them forever. Sick!!!! Stay strong Francesca, you are not alone!!! xoxox

Francesca - posted on 04/25/2009

oh god jennifer she sounds like a freak herself!!! i read ur post earlier.

she sounds like she needs help x

Jennifer - posted on 04/25/2009

Ok, I officially rescind my first post ... e-mail is the way to go if possible. It holds up in court, the others are 100% correct! Unfortunately, my BM refuses to own a computer because they are only used by pedifile freaks. Not even for the children's school work, they call us for Internet access. Isn't she a dandy?!!



She's the person who tapes the phone calls with the children! Before everyone tells me it's illegal; 3 attorneys said it's not illegal to tape your own home phone calls and as long as she brags about it, we cannot say we didn't know.



I do not feel sick to my stomach around the BM. I just feel numb, she's really some kind of special.

Amanda - posted on 04/25/2009

I think I feel sick at the thought of dealing with her because you just never know what she is thinking. Like others have said she always acts polite in public, but I know it's becaue she is plotting her next move. It's almost like while she is nicely saying hello like we are old friends she's secretly thinking of ways she can murder me in my sleep..... Crazy crazy woman.

Francesca - posted on 04/25/2009

maybe its cos we know how evil these women are!!! maybe its the unknown, not knowin wat stunt she may pull next.

my husband picked up the boys yesterday(of course i had to stand further away) well bm didnt drop the youngest off she sent her husband, all the fuss she makes if im in the same street and there he is handin over the boys. mark was not happy!! when he dropped the boys home that evenin, she wouldn't even come to the door, the twat came( sorry thats what we call him) started bein quite rude,when mark said about callin the oldest in the week he said "if he's here he's here and if he's not he's not" how dare he.there not even his sons. mark did well to keep his call!!!

Natasha - posted on 04/25/2009

That's a good point. I get sick to my stomack as well. Why? I dont know....Maybe because I hope she would challange me or say something to me that would cause me to say right in her face exactly what i think about that crazy woman. But that never happens. She's been polite for the most part when we've talked face to face (once) and on the phone (few times), but she certainly gets nasty thru e-mail.

BM still believes my hubby is going to crawl on his hands and knees back to her oneday, even though both of them got remarried since their divorce in November 2006. Everytime we go to pick up his daguhter I get so nervouse I begin to talk a lot on the way to her house :) And my hubby just sits there quietly. Why do we feel so nervouse when around the BM??? Are we afraid of something, or is this just adrenaline rush???

Francesca - posted on 04/25/2009

i know how you feel, i dont know why i feel like that though.

Alichia - posted on 04/24/2009

That woman makes my stomach turn in knotts. I get so nervous and wait by the phone if my man goes to pick up his children. I am getting sick to my stomach thinking about how I feel whenever I know that one of us has to be around her.

Francesca - posted on 04/24/2009

Quoting Di:

Francesca, every time my bm has needed to talk in person to my husband, I have also cringed. Yes, she was nice as pie to get him to go and then would sling some really devastating news on him to do with the kids. The last time she did this was to tell him she was taking the girls 1000kms away to live! They have now reached a point where the only communication between them, thanks to her moving so far away is by email. If she doesn't like what he writes, she shows the girls and then explains how he is being unreasonable by responding to any threats she makes with the words well go ahead and do that if thats what you think you want to. The last 5 conversations on the phone that they had before even that was cut was all out slanging matches (including name calling from both sides) that didn't help the situation or was a good example for the girls. I will be glad when the girls are grown and moved out of her home so that there doesn't have to be even emails. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why anyone does anything, you'll only give yourself a headache. PS I like your pic, is it your wedding pic?

you are right!!! i have to say i do think too much!! LOL

thanks yeah it is, not been married long

Angela - posted on 04/24/2009

I wouldnt trust it iether. I feel you should have record of these type of conversations. Unless there is a high level of amicability, then either you go too or arrange to meet at a mediators office. Email is really good. and so are letters and txt messages. all can be kept for future reference. hate to be so untrusting but it is my experience with 2 ex's of my own and with a husband who also has 2 ex's, there really is no other way.

That being said, the father of my 16 yr old and I have had so few issues over the last 15 yrs since i left him that i wouldnt hesitate to talk about molly with him. or if he had an issue to talk to me about. All depends on the situation. I would never attempt to address anything with my first husband even though the breakup was 17 yrs ago. He is a prick. I would be extreemly suspicious if my husb ex wanted a chat. she still thinks she might get him back even though he is married and left her over 2 years ago.

in short. trust your gut. its usually right.

Amanda - posted on 04/23/2009

We had A LOT of this kind of thing in the begining of our relationship and I did not like it in any way shape or form. I made it very clear that, like it or not, I was a part of her life now and if she had anything to say it would be said in front of me. Ofcourse she still found her ways. She would show up at his work at lunch or when he was leaving. I also made a phone call to her regarding these visits and it did help a little. I have to deal with her when it comes to the kids and that is it. I do not tolerate another woman with her morals spending 1 on 1 time with my husband. No way no how. Speak up. The day he married you he gave that right.

Natasha - posted on 04/23/2009

I would recommend all the "speaking" business to be done over e-mail so he has it in writing. My hubby communicates with BM strictly thru e-mail, seldom that they talk on the phone, only when he calls to talk to his daughter. Even then it is limited to "hi", "how are you" and "bye". However, my hubby is planning on working with is ex on a new parentiing plan which will require a meeting to go over the final stuff in the new parenting plan. But that is different situation....

If she calls again requesting to meet and talk I would ask what it would be regarding and if it is not important then either discuss it over the phone or thru the e-mail.

Di - posted on 04/23/2009

Francesca, every time my bm has needed to talk in person to my husband, I have also cringed. Yes, she was nice as pie to get him to go and then would sling some really devastating news on him to do with the kids. The last time she did this was to tell him she was taking the girls 1000kms away to live! They have now reached a point where the only communication between them, thanks to her moving so far away is by email. If she doesn't like what he writes, she shows the girls and then explains how he is being unreasonable by responding to any threats she makes with the words well go ahead and do that if thats what you think you want to. The last 5 conversations on the phone that they had before even that was cut was all out slanging matches (including name calling from both sides) that didn't help the situation or was a good example for the girls. I will be glad when the girls are grown and moved out of her home so that there doesn't have to be even emails. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why anyone does anything, you'll only give yourself a headache. PS I like your pic, is it your wedding pic?

Francesca - posted on 04/23/2009

no they didnt meet, she said its about the boys. we havent had the boys stay with us on our weekends now for about 4 months as my husband is trainin in the TA(army) she told my husband that she would like to talk about them before they stay over again(in other words tell us what to do when we have them) both boys have issues with things. but i dont understand how 1 minute she's writin the most awful things on email then out of the blue she wants to meet. 4 months ago she said she doesn't trust him and he makes her feel uneasy well why would she wanna meet??

im not aloud near her which suits me fine. shes a nut case!!! well ater slappin me anyway

Jamie - posted on 04/23/2009

Im the same way. I dont even allow DH to take SS home because she causes drama. She has called me and told me that they had sex and what not. Which I know isnt true and she will later admit she is lying. I think its their way of causing drama one way or another.

Heidi - posted on 04/23/2009

I would be feeling the same way you do thats for sure. I know in the past(and its been a couple of years now) but my husbands ex has called him to meet up with him and to borrow money. He would never go to meet just her, he said there is no need for that. If she wanted to talk they could talk on the phone. Most of the time she would say he was being unreasonable, and she did nothing wrong and of course she would blame me for him not running at her beck and call. The way my husband sees it they can communicate on the phone and that should be good enough. Now that there son my stepson is 18 and she hasn't seen or called him in over 2 years,(meaning my husband and stepson) there is no need for them to talk at all anymore. When she decides she wants to be a part of her sons life again she knows where we live, she knows our cell numbers and she knows our house number. So if your husband feels the need to go and talk to his ex, maybe you should go along as well, because I am sure it will involve you in some way, or just let him go on his own and he can tell you all about it when he gets home. Either way things will work out in the end.

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2009

Is hubby going? I'd say anything they need to discuss can be discussed on the phone. It would be different if they had a "friendly" divorce, but when it comes out of the blue and they have not been on friendly terms, I'd say the phone is the best option. Just my opinion.



I've found that my ex and my husband's ex do this when they are having problems in their relationships. Last Christmas my husband's ex called him and said she believes he still loved her. He chuckled and told her she needed to get help. By their next communication, she was back to her usual unbalanced self.



We've been married 6 years. It's been one drama parade after another - some more damaging than others. Good luck!

Francesca - posted on 04/23/2009

she canceled it at the last minute, and said she'll spk another time