Please and Thank you. Can I? May I?

Sandy - posted on 05/29/2009

My sd has lived with us full time since we met almost 9 years ago and I still feel wierd disciplining her, I don't think it is uncommon. I think we just realize down inside that they aren't really ours biologically and so it makes us uncomfortable to be strict with someone elses child. Don't be so hard on yourself : )

Catrina - posted on 05/29/2009

When my SK's get here, it usually takes a week for them to transition from house to house. With their BM they are on a strict routine of up at 6:20am with or without school so they can all get ready to be taken where ever they go during the day = and she goes to work. Usually they don't get home until anytime between 5:45 and 9pm. Depending on what BM has planned with her Cheer Coaching (which we aren't suppose to know she does - who cares) or church events or practice etc. But at their BM's house she will do everything for them. Arrange their clothing, clean up after them, gets them everything they ask for etc.

Because I've been ill and in and out of the hospital having surgeries on my kidneys - when the kids come here the older 3 help with the younger 2. There are days that I'm stuck in bed from my pain & not wanting to take meds so I can "be there" and talk or do crafts. So they'll usually slip with the "May I have some juice, and will you get it for me?" from the start I remind them this is their home too - just because they aren't here all the time doesn't mean they don't know where the cups are, or how to open the fridge to pour themselves some juice. Even if they ask for a snack - apples, crackers or whatnot - as long as it's cleared with their father or myself then it's something they get. I do have to remind them to be thankful and show manners even at home, it's not just something to do out in public. They are very well behaved and well mannered everywhere we go. But when they come back home with us, it's I want this or I'm going to play this.....I dont mind those statements as long as it's a question of asking whether it's ok to go play Wii or Xbox or play on the computer paint program.

My SD would never say thank you for the clothing I'd get for her. One summer - since her BM decided to send them out without anything but the clothes on their back - I had to purchase an entire wardrobe for the summer for my SD. My SS was able to use my oldest sons clothing - except underwear (I went and bought his own) But with my SD, it was summer, so I bought her shorts and tank tops etc....we do live 2 miles from the beach here in San DIego County of California - North County area....and the shorts I got her - all she did was give me a dirty look and say "I'm not going to wear those, you'll have to buy me different ones" ummmmmm???? I was confused. After I sort of let it slide, took me a few minutes because I first thought - how ungrateful could you be? So I asked what was the reason, and it comes from her being very modest. As well as her BM. They wear shorts that come down just above their knees. Nothing higher. I can respect that.....none of the clothing went home either - even after she grew out of it. I have nieces who we pass the clothes onto since it's worn maybe 2 months out of the year.

I grew up in a strict Navy home and I guess that's where I get my no bullsh*t accepted attitude. Disrespectful words, attitudes and gestures - will be addressed. Sometimes my husband will ask me if it was that big of a deal -- and to me when a child raises their voice practically yelling back at any parent - it need to be nipped in the bottom. His daughter once got mouthy with him and got the whole neck movement thing going on too....Nope - sorry sweetie - go sit in the room and think about how you could have responded in a much more respectful way.

Part of our delays come to the fact that both my husband and I are home with the kids when they are here. They are use to not seeing any parental figure with their BM for at least 10 hours if not more during the week. So from going to no parents watching you and correcting you actions, to having both right there with you -- I can see how it's hard to change it.

Sorry if I got off point about my own issues -- but yes your SS needs to show appreciation towards you and the efforts you put forth for him. Even if it's a simple thing like buying his favorite ice cream to eat after dinner. Or buying clothing and shoes. I don't know if it's me - but I'd hold off on giving them to him until he really showed interest and showed that he appreciated it. I know sometimes the words aren't always there - but the actions can be. If that makes sense? Also protecting what is yours and what you purchased for him is so something you should do! We got my SS an ipod shuffle for his 10th birthday. He didn't have it 3 months and BM washed it. Ruined it, and we are left to clean up the mess and try to replace it. I don't have the money to drop on a new one. Plus the other kids have their birthdays this summer. BM has complained that they should be able to take home things they get here to her home, but I've told her straight up nothing comes back, in addition to the simple fact that she does not follow that same request. Like letting them bring their little gameboys for entertainment on their flights...why is that so hard???

Don't feel odd. I am always telling my husband I feel funny diciplining his kids, and he gets mad and tells me they are mine too. Which I do consider them so...but it's different. I'm much harder on my older son - simply because I won't tolerate laziness. With my SK's I'm sometimes afraid that they might see me negatively...and I never want that! But I don't back off either....I just redirect them :-)

Penny - posted on 05/28/2009

I understand you perfectly Jamie. I feel the same way about my SD. She's five and my hubby always tells me she's my daughter too and that if I discipline her he will back me 100%. But like you I still feel weird scolding her. And she's the same way with the no thank you, please, etc.

Jamie - posted on 05/27/2009

See I have no problem telling my kids, who are 2 and 4 they need to ask the right way. But for some reason I cant get over this whole thing that I feel wierd correcting my SS. He does respect his dad, but his dad is an MP in the Army so trust me he runs the house like boot camp when it comes to the kids. My other 2 are very well behaved and I get people commenting on it all the time. But I hate taking my SS shopping, which is why I did it on my own. He thinks we need to by everything. Honestly, when I went shopping for him I didnt anything that cost over $5 because I shop sales and clearance racks. Except his tennis shoes, but those were still on clearance. His mom spoils him, and Im pretty sure she tells him we are rich, which we arent. IDK maybe im jsut wierd.

Lisa - posted on 05/27/2009

He should respect you! You are his parent just the same and that is wonderful that you went out of your way to purchase new items for him. I find that my kids respond well to bribery, maybe let him know your willing to let him take his shoes home or play your wii once he has earned it through respecting you (and his dad). That may be using his please's and thank you's, or something else that works for you. A little reminder for my little one always does the trick, anytime he asks for anything and forgets the 'please' I gently ask him "what do you say?" and I always get a please :o)