Please, please, please tell me why I bother??

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

Wow! I have felt that rage *shakes her head knowing exactly how she feels* I am so sorry for your pain. I had my step son from age 5 till this sept which is 11 years later from Mon-fri. I am the one that has brought him to the doctors..to the dentist..the orthodontist...I am the one the school knows...everything..and yes she reaps the benefits of calling herself a mother. All I can say is for me it did or has not gotten easier. She has never paid for anything for him. Not after school activities...not the orthodotist etc. Well over the last 2 years he has become out of control lots and lots of issues. Finally my husband said enough is enough you do not have the respect for me or your step mother and you want to move with your mother go right ahead. *laughs* lets just say He has been expelled from school is in the court system and is still blaming everything on his up bringing give or take. Signing on as step parents was not suppose to be this hard. I have my eldest and a younger child they do not and would not act like this. You as parents have to unite at a young age and make sure all the rules are the same. I know it sucks having to communicate with this woman but it is the best thing for the child. If not it will come down to a uncontrollable child and a he said she said battle that NO ONE wins. We have raised him just like our other children and yet because he got away with the world on the weekends he has turned into what I call the God Syndrome. They control and manipulate every situation. They learn this from a young age. I am sorry I am going on and on I do hope that you find balance. I hope your husband sets boundries for this ex.

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2009

Yeah...the oil changing is not good.  Its just plain WRONG!   You really need to talk to him. 

Ya know, you have the right to say NO to watching thechild.  As women and mothers we tend to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders without concern for ourselves.  If you talk to him and he doesn't hear you, then know that the only person you can control is YOU. So, maybe you should consider making some changes in how you behave in this situation.  If your husband wants to go wax his ex's floors, change a light buld in her house or some other minor task, tell him how you feel, tell him you do not want him to go.

I really think that men who don't have their children full time carry around a strong sense of guilt.  Some guilt manifests in different ways, it seems your husband is just trying to be there for them.  He's just not thinking.

Remember who he goes to bed with every night....

Cheri - posted on 01/19/2009

Quoting Brianne:

Please, please, please tell me why I bother??

I am so very tired. Im sure thats really normal but I am so tired of the crap. Im tired of having someone else's child dumped on me without my choice. Im tired of my husband falling over backwords to please a bitch of a woman who takes all our money and yet I still have to raise her son for her 4-5 days a week because she doesnt have time for him. I am tored of the fact that at this very moment my husband is changing the oil in her car because she told him he "has" too. Im soo very tired of everything

 

I really think you need to have a chat with your husband about changing his ex's oil! That is way out of line. He need to understand that, unless it involves the children, there is nothing that he should be doing for his ex. There are shops available for oil-changing! You need to find out why he thinks he needs to do this. Does she terrorize the child if he doesn't do everything she asks him to?

We have all kinds of trouble with my DH's ex. She pretty much tries to run my DH's life and takes it out on her daughter if she doesn't get her way. I think he has finally come to the realization that it doesn't matter what he does, she will always talk bad about him to their daughter. We just need to let the chips fall where they may when it comes to how the ex behaves, and try, by living the example- to show his daughter how empty the accusations are, and that both he and I care very much for her.

Teresa - posted on 01/15/2009

I'm not so sure some days either.  Like when my kiddos start having nightmares after visiting Mommy's and my husband laughs at something she says on the phone  when she calls to tell the kids goodnight.  But I love my kiddos.  I want them to be OK.  I want them to know that there is someone in their life that does care and does bother.  Even if their birth mom is a self-involved user.  I don't want them to be like her.  So I do the best I can to give them all the love and guidance I can.  And just try to stay sane.  And I let my hubby know what bothers me.  I don't tell him to stop.  I just tell him how I feel. Most of the time it works.

Brianne - posted on 01/14/2009

It amazes me that our husbands dont realize just how much we give up to be with them. Yes, we love them, yes, we are fighting everyday to be with them but WOW do they not understand just how much of us we have to give up just by loving them!! My husband always says " I could never live with the stuff that you've had to put up with". like that makes it ok. If I had known what loving him and being with him would be like I often wonder if I would have fallin in love with him in the first place. The most frustrating part is when you have a bad day, cried alone in the bathroom, and were at the end of your rope, it is always your husband who dries your tears. If they wern't so wonderful MOST of the time it wouldn't be worth it.

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2009

Wow! Reading these posts sure does make me feel a little better about our situation. I have a 10 year old daughter, my husband has a 6 year old daughter, and together we have a 1 year old son and another due in April. My daughter is very loving and understanding. She has never (nor would I allow her to) done anything to disrespect my husband. His daughter, on the other hand, is the most manipulative child I have ever met. She was ok during the first few years we were together. Like everyone else, it seemed every time we had her, she was always dumped on me. I never minded because we all got along well. As soon as I became pregnant, his ex and his mother (SHE DEVIL) began filling her head with all kinds of crap - telling her she had to spend as much time with her Daddy because I was taking him away - that she would never be his only child again - stuff like that. Since Sean has been born, she is constantly mean to him. She pushes him down and takes toys away from him. My husband acts like he sees nothing. I correct her, and she runs back and tells on me. We now have a family feud going on and haven't spoken to his parents since around Halloween. They taught her to come to my house and tell my daughter that she isn't really their granddaughter. They went from signing cards Grammie and Grampy to signing them with their names. She also tells me I am not nice enough to her Daddy and don't appreciate all he has done for me, and then tells me that's what her Grammie tells her. I have never been anything but nice to his daughter, but she resents the fact that we have rules in our house. We have bedtimes. My kids eat healthy meals. They don't disrespect adults. At her mother and her grandmother's house, she has none of those things. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants. His ex sends her to lunch at school with a fruit roll up, applesauce and a juice box - no sandwich or anything of the sort because she doesn't like them. It's crazy! And I'm always stuck being the bad guy because I'm always here. It's to the point that I cry every time she is coming over. His mother stepped in and took all of his visitation for the summer, and he allowed it. Now, we are trying to go back to every other weekend, but she throws fits and doesn't want to come here. Her mother gives her the choice of how many days she wants to stay. The whole time she is here, she threatens that she is going to call and tell on us. When she goes home, she reports every little thing that happened to his ex and then calls his mother and tells her too. I am at my wits end and don't know how much more I can take of this. I love my husband dearly, but he never stands up to his ex or his mother. I don't know what else to do.

Patty - posted on 01/14/2009

I don't mind my hubby helping the ex's, and I would actually rather have my two step kids live with me. I love them to pieces! My problem is that today I found out that my 12 year old step daughter has been telling her mom crazy stuff about how I hate her, how she hates me, how she wishes we'd get divorced, and so on. Its infuriating! I love this girl but her lies are so out of control! and her mom doesn't seem to be able to do anything to stop her behavior. For example, saturday my sister, my daughter, and myself had plans to go get manicures and pedicures. I made sure to include my step daughter and the four of us had a great day. How can she say that I'm mean to her?? I guess my most aggravating part is I know if I could be the one raising her, she wouldn't miss so much school, she wouldn't fail classes, and she WOULD NOT LIE! My two children that I was a single mom of for 10 years are wonderful! and thats not just "oh, my kids are wonderful" thats, my son opens doors for women, he rushes around with a first aid kit as soon as someone is hurt, my daughter is an honors student, never been in trouble, and has a heart of gold. ok, sorry, Im rambling at this point...

Trisha - posted on 01/13/2009

I know that feeling all, too well, and the only thing I can really say is it's not the kids it's your husband and his ex!! Your husband has to STOP all the little extras that he is doing for her, and kind of put her back in her place... once he does that it should help with the ex at least trying to get your husband to do anything and everything that she wants. It started and will end with that other women for sure. It took a long time, but once my fiance let her know that she wasn't goign to get everything she wanted she stopped trying to get it all. Of course that also came with a few extra trips to court because she was pissed off, but it worked out well in the end she is finally dating and bugging a new man lol and letting everyone else in the situation just deal with there own issues not her's , too

Sandra - posted on 01/13/2009

Well, yeah! She's a bitch, but....he's with you. Hopefully, she'll be someone else's bitch soon. Then if he still changes her oil ....then just kick her ass.

Brianne - posted on 01/12/2009

thanks everyone for your support. I guess I just get overwhelmed some days. he is a good guy he just is a big wimp when it comes to his ex. From what I understand this is pretty common :) So frustrating. Well at least I know Im not alone!!!

Nicole - posted on 01/12/2009

I have the same problem, although my husband is trying to change this. His ex (thank God they were not ever married) dumps his 2 kids with her and an older son of hers that is not even my husbands on us all time. And if I say anything about the older son, she always gets smart at the mouth because they were together for 9 years and he was 2 months old when they got together so according to her that is "like his son". My husband gets frustrated with this as well but does not want to hurt the boys feelings. She calls child support all the time trying to get more money. She does not work but constently needs a break from the kids. My question is how do you get more from childsupport when my husband is on unemployment. She is retarded. My husband is somehow paid ahead on one of the cases and they keep mailing him back the money and she thinks that he should just cash the check and hand it to her. I wish I could say it will get better, I have gone through this for 3 years. I even had a restraining order on her at one point when I got pregnant with our son because she thought in her twisted mind that he should not have children with anyone else and she threatened me and my son before he was born. The only thing I can say is that I only have to deal with her for 10 more years then the youngest will be 18! That seems soooo far away. My husband used to fix her van when it had a problem but he drew the straw when she asked him to put in a new front window because her boyfriend broke it with a bat, and while he was fixing it the guy was sitting in the house watching TV.

Debbie - posted on 01/12/2009

To be honest, I think you need to say something to your husband. I'm divorced and remarried with a child and my husband is divorced and remarried with a child. We had a child together a little over a year ago. My ex-husband lives in Florida and my husband's ex-wife lives about 15 minutes away. There's always going to be things that you don't like but they are things you need to talk about. I definitely would be upset if my husband was changing his ex-wife's oil the only night we had together. And I have to say that I'd say something about it. It would be unacceptable.



Also, I'm wondering, you said that she gets all this money but you watch your stepson around 4-5 days a week. I think (personally) that he should take her back to court in reference to the child support since she's not acting as the full time parent or that she should pay you at least half of what she'd pay an actual childcare center. I said half since a lot of divorces specify that the parents will split the childcare down the middle. I know both mine and my husband's did at least.



I would let you husband know, if I were in your situation, that you love your stepson greatly and are so happy to have him in your life, but you need to see that he (your husband) puts you before his ex-wife. Your happiness benefits his and your stepson's happiness. He needs to set some boundaries with his ex-wife. I can't imagine my husband's ex-wife staying with us. I'd have room for her children (that aren't through my husband that he helped raise when they were smaller) but not for her. She'd have to find someplace else to live. Her living there would just lead to such resentment. At least I could see it that way if I were in your situation when it happened.

Sandra - posted on 01/12/2009

I've raised my two (Justin 24 and Tiffany 20) since they were 7 and 4. The first 2 years through visitation and then in 1996 we were granted full and sole cusstody. I used to ask my self the same thing. With all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a thing. My only bio-kid is 37 and I adore him, my other two are the children of my heart. It'll get easier...you just have to ask yourself if this is something you can really do. Love the kids, just foreget the ex. She is always going to be their Mother, but you can be Mommy.

Bev - posted on 01/11/2009

its great that you get along with him but yes i can see why its so hard for you
my step son lived full time with us and only went to his mothers 1 night a month and that night she should always ring up and have my husband go over to help her deal with him or something stupid like that
and my husband use to work 3 jobs so was gone most of the days and most of the nights as well so i would be 24/7 with his son who use to fight me on every thing
he was 10 when we got together but hes 18 now and lives with his girlfriend and hes own son and when he needs help or advice or anything he comes to me first then his dad not his own mother at all

i know its a stretch for most working families but can you get a sitter in 1 day a week so that you and your hubby can have that time you really need
and he really is at a great age

Brianne - posted on 01/11/2009

He is 4 and at first he was terrible but now that I have had him 4-5 days a week for almost a year now he is a great little boy. I do love him so very much, its just frustrating that he comes to our home to see his dad and all he does is leave him with me. To top it all off tonight is our only night to spend together ( he works nights) without his son and he is busy changing his ex's oil. I dont know who to be mad at more, him for being a dumbass or her for being a caniving bitch.

Bev - posted on 01/11/2009

i know the feeling i had the same problems with my husbands ex wife
i did 8 yrs of putting up with it and not saying anything to my step son or to the ex wife (who at one point lived with us cause she got kicked out of her own house and had no where else to go and my husband said she could stay with us till she found a new place that took over 5mths)
how old is your step son?
does your step son get along with your or does he fight you on everything?